One way to resolve an "unresolvable" argument

OlderAndWiser u
"Could you kindly release this rope, please?"
"Could you kindly release this rope, please?"

Disagreements are inevitable in relationships and, hopefully, you will be able to resolve them and continue moving forward with your partner. Sometimes, it just requires talking and a willingness to compromise and, suddenly, you've broken past the log jam. But what do you do if your efforts are not successful. Here's one potential strategy.

First, ask yourself how important this is. Are you talking about where to have dinner tonight? Or are you discussing having her mother come to live with you? So topics are deal breakers, without a doubt, but not EVERY argument is worth having.

Next, would you be willing to let your partner win if they would do the same thing for you in your next disagreement?

If so, try this. "How important is this to you? Because it's not the most important thing on my mind right now."

If you partner says it isn't important to them either, then maybe you just don't need to have an argument at all. But - if it is important to them - say to them, "This seems to be more important to you than it is to me, so I am willing to let you have your way this time and we will do what you what . . . but the next time we have a disagreement and the subject is more important to me, will you be willing to do things my way?"

Do we have an agreement?
Do we have an agreement?

If so, perhaps you can back down with the feeling that you have some points in savings to use later. Of course, your partner can renege on their agreement later but, if that is their style, maybe you need to learn that now instead of 10 years from now when you have three kids. And if they do honor their promise, that helps to build trust and respect.

Maybe you will also learn that winning EVERY time really isn't that important.

This is just another strategy for resolving conflict. It may not work in your relationship. It may not work for every conflict. But maybe it will help some time in the future.

One way to resolve an "unresolvable" argument
7
20
Add Opinion
7Girl Opinion
20Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Guy

  • Browneye57
    You must first make your relationship have a greater value, or be more important, than either party in it. Or put another way, you make your relationship sacred.

    You will NEVER always agree with someone, anyone, on everything. EVER.
    If you can't discuss a subject, or a disagreement, without escalating, without becoming emotionally heated, then table it and come back to it later. This give each time to cool off, become more detached from the differences, and become more willing to acquiesce, to be able to determine how important it really is. You may have to come back to it several times, and you may come to find that you will simply have to agree to disagree. If you accept the rule that nothing can be more important than the relationship, it becomes null.

    With all this said, it helps men to understand that a woman's brain runs on feelings and emotion. His runs on facts and logic. You simply cannot win an argument with a woman with facts and logic, they will ALWAYS make it about their FEELINGS. So even if you prove that you're right, she will take exception to the issue because of her FEELINGS. And why a smart man simply doesn't argue with a woman. A guy would do well to learn well about SHIT-TESTS. If you cannot effectively allay shit-tests your woman will CONSTANTLY do this. It's a judging mechanism they unconsciously use to determine your wherewithal, your competence. There are many was to address these, and you need a full arsenal if you're going to survive long term with any woman.
    Like 2 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Great advice!

    • Browneye57

      We learned a lot of great things from a very competent marriage therapist. They are extremely difficult to find.
      Our marriage nearly didn't make it. It's now been over thirty years. And now I understand the value of the covenant of marriage if you're going to start a family. It's hard to un-do, so it actually gives you time to reconsider, to increase the desire to try to make it work, you can't just cut and run. It does help ensure the success of the family unit.

    • "you can't just cut and run." And therein lies the problem with modern marriages!

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • pleasestopthis
    Maybe you will also learn that winning EVERY time really isn't that important.

    This is a very important thing in successful relationships. Mature partners know how to swallow their pride every once in a while.
    Like 3 People
    Is this still revelant?

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

619
  • Brainsbeforebeauty
    I agree compromise can be very important in any relationship.. The problem comes in sometimes when there's people that will never compromise and always expect everything their way and don't appreciate that their partner compromises much less returns the favor
    Like 3 People
  • Jean-Marie_Céline
    Excellent myTake, thank you for sharing!
    I agree with everything you wrote, especially on the assessment of the importance of the topic at hand. If something is not important for us, but it is for them, then why argue needlessly and just don't concede them what they feel it's important? This way we show our good faith and hopefully next time they'll do the same for us!
    Like 3 People
  • loves2learn
    Really good mytake and quite relatable to my life right now. What do you do if what on the surface seem like minor arguments are actually things that have open past wounds, or show a downslide in the level of respect one spouse has for the other?
    .
    Furthermore, how does one go about handling always giving their spouse the small arguments, realizing they don’t matter, but often feeling steamrolled during the big ones?
    Like 3 People
    • "What do you do if what on the surface seem like minor arguments are actually things that have open past wounds, or show a downslide in the level of respect one spouse has for the other?" That is quite often the situation when a couple has major arguments about what should be insignificant matters. It is a result of past major conflicts not being resolved. The only way to fix that problem is to address the previous significant conflict but, often, that may lead to a realization that you are not a good match as a couple and some people want to avoid recognizing that fact because they are more comfortable being in their rut.

      "Furthermore, how does one go about handling always giving their spouse the small arguments, realizing they don’t matter, but often feeling steamrolled during the big ones?" There is no way to win with a partner who is "always right" and never concedes anything. This is why, when people ask how long they should date before they consider marriage, I suggest that they should date until they have had a few arguments/disagreements/conflicts so they can see how their partner handles those times.

    • Thank you very much. We dated 5 years and had many arguments before marriage. Unfortunately I am just realizing now that unbeknownst to me I had very low self esteem back then and blamed myself for the way he treated me.

      We had a long tearful talk last night about how I felt back then and how our arguments this week opened that wound back up.

      I am hopeful this will help us recover and move forward.

  • Dragonpurple
    I actually go with the logic of winning doesn't matter, I could care less if I win.

    It really changes little in the end, being right or wrong. Same end result most the time.
    Like 2 People
  • legalboxers
    pacify the enemy as much as you can. stroke their ego, make them get the false sense of security letting them think they won the battle...

    But in a court of law..

    You beat them senseless with prima facie evidence with facts and keep on proving them wrong on every turn to show them that they are going to need more than the retainer, but need to pony up their first born, and a kidney to show irrefutable proof that they are wrong..
    Like 1 Person
    • If you think of your partner in a relationship as "the enemy," then all is lost.

  • Tiptoetamm
    Great advice and it's I would. I have let my partner will many times because it just wasn't worth it to me. Is rather get along than fight over something stupid. I listened compromise is sometimes the best solutions, also agree to disagree and move on I've done. Other times I walk away until I cool off
    Like 2 People
  • msc545
    A very good idea, but it assumes that the person you are arguing with is reasonable, and unfortunately that is not always the case.
    Like 2 People
    • Of course it is not always the case because, sometimes, we make very bad choices when we select a partner.

    • msc545

      Sadly yes

  • exitseven
    I will try this the next time I have a disagreement with my wife. I'll let you know how it turns out.
    Like 2 People
  • Massageman
    Good post.

    As a counselor, my wife has used the "what's it worth to you/give it a rating" to get people to concede on the small points (to them) which are bigger points (to their spouse). It does work if they both want it to.
    Like 1 Person
  • JustinTimberlegs
    Very great point especially asking them how important it is to them. Thanks!
    Like 1 Person
  • rcljr
    Guys, all ya gotta do is buy her flowers and lick the little man in the rowboat…
    Like 2 People
  • Iron_Man
    That’s not a problem for me where she wants to eat out for dinner if she wants to bring her mother along
    Like 2 People
  • _Troian_
    How to solve problems between men and women? ; Have sex.

    How to solve problems between Man and Man? ; Have a fist fight

    Thats how it is.
    Disagree 1 Person
    • Sex does not solve our problems. Our problems interfere with me wanting to have sex

  • PolishedMonkey
    I have this fake human skull and when the S. O. starts in on me we already know who’s right and who’s wrong so I diffuse the situation by pretending her voice is coming from the skull. It’s so obnoxious to do that it takes the fight right out of them. After successfully pulling this method off consecutively for 3-4 back to back disagreements they soon learn that every time there is a disagreement and that skull is handy…. Well let’s just say, that’s how you teach em to quit being wrong and arguing about it with you. Kids, that’s a freebie for peace and quiet in life from your old Uncle Monkey
    Like 1 Person
    • Nahhh not gonna work for me. He picks the stupid fights not me. I would much rather have harmony.

  • Smiley_93
    Apologize and tell them they are right, if all else fails, Agree to disagree.
    Like 2 People
  • JesseJayNeak
    Compromising is the best way for a healthy lifestyle
    Like 2 People
  • Daniela1982
    Punching them out sometimes works.
    Like 2 People
    • Significant long term consequences!

    • No, I would do it anonymously.

    • Boppy

      How about a drag race in the abandoned factory?

  • bulletbob555
    Yeah its easier to just get along. It works till it don't
    Like 1 Person
  • BeenThereLovedIt
    Many people would see it as a manipulative and it's also a catch-22.
    • It is clearly not manipulative as it is openly discussed with your partner. Catch-22?

    • "This seems to be more important to you than it is to me, so I am willing to let you have your way this time and we will do what you what. . . but the next time we have a disagreement and the subject is more important to me, will you be willing to do things my way?"

      You admitted that it could and likely would be something of "less" importance to you than her. Not a big deal. But you are stating that you want a free-win card for next time, and who knows - maybe you will hold onto it and cash it in on a "more" important issue. It's cornering your partner into a catch-22, because if they say no then they look unreasonable, but if they say yes, then you've got "wildcard" as they say in poker. You are manipulating the scenario using a small or insignificant issue to cash in later for a much bigger one, to your advantage.

      Of course it's manipulative and catch-22.

    • It could be used in that manner but that is not what I have done and not what I would suggest to others.

    • Show All
  • LemiaOfChampions
    Thanks for the great read.
    Like 1 Person
  • Show More (5)
Loading...