Does the Number of sexual partners really matter

Aerissa_Jade

Since joining a few days ago I've seen this question a lot. Seems people here on GAG are kind of obsessed about this. I thought I would give a shot at my first mytake on this subject.

*Disclaimer, just giving it a shot. I'm writing this from my point of view and experiences.

The Double Standard

For women there is stigma around it, the Double Standard that says it is okay for men to have a lot of partners but not women. This is rooted in sexism from the past.

Does the Number of sexual partners really matter

https://cuchimes.com/02/2015/double-standards-womens-rigid-social-expression-of-sexuality/

Thankfully this slowly going away.

For health issues, women have a higher cancer risk by having more lifetime partners, thanks to STI's.

Does the Number of sexual partners really matter

https://ewn.co.za/2020/02/14/high-lifetime-number-of-sexual-partners-linked-to-increased-cancer-risk-1

For relationships it's usually a good idea to talk about it. Not talking about it can make it feel like your partner is keeping secrets or just doesn't trust you. This can create distance and tension. If you don't want to talk about it, that is okay to so long as your partner is okay with that but they really have to be okay with it, not just say they are. Trust is extremely important in a relationship if you want it to last.

The 2018 Dr. Ed survey found some 29% of people said you should never have to tell your number to your partner, whereas 54% of people said you must tell your number to your partner. That's a lot of absolutes and differences of opinions with more than half thinking it has to be told.

Some people are judged for having too high of a number, others for too low.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-ideal-number-of-sexual-partners-for-men-women

There are studies on those with too many partners that can potentially reduce their dating pool and increase divorce rates. This shouldn't really be anything to worry about, as we get older dating pool goes up.

Does the Number of sexual partners really matter

Other research shows that people with a lot of partners can still be happily married and loyal.

Does the Number of sexual partners really matter

Someone who is saving themselves for marriage, can feel like they missed out on a lot of sexual fun when their potential life partner has more than they do. They saved themselves as a special gift, why didn't the other person? This can lead to resentment, especially if they really wanted to have sex and fun with others but either were unable to, due to religious beliefs or it simply wasn't able to actually hook up with anyone.

Some may feel that it is meant to be a sacred special act and having a higher number means you don't consider it special. Such as having been married several times makes many people think that person doesn't consider marriage to be anything special, some think of sexual partners the same way. Often thinking "I saved myself for marriage why didn't you?" Depends on personal values and what is considered special.

Some also wonder if someone who has a higher number than you will stay loyal or if they will go back to their old life style. While it showed higher rate of divorce, there doesn't seem to be a higher risk of being cheated on.

My personal experiences

Guys that just want to get some, don't care. Numbers ONLY matter if they want to get serious, want a family and life long relationship.

Everyone has their reasons why they have as many partners as they do or don't, your choice if you want to judge them or not.

Almost everyone has a unrealized limit that will bother them, even if they don't think they do. "Say what?! your Don Juan, no thanks."

Does the Number of sexual partners really matter

I've been engaged a few times. The first time I was engaged, I absolutely adored and loved him and he treated me with respect and like a queen. I thought we were meant for each other.

Once we talked about numbers, it changed everything. I should of talked about this BEFORE we got engaged, it just never came up but I lost him, things changed.

He couldn't get over how many partners I had been with and he was unable to reconcile it. We even went through pre-marriage counselling together.

We never actually had sex, we were going to wait until we were married as a wedding night gift to each other.

He also started pressuring me, saying I must not love him as much as my Ex's that I had sex with. I loved them enough to give it to but not him.

This is a case of him having some issues, feeling self conscience about not being on par with me, and feeling like I would be unwilling to do certain things that he wanted to try because I already had.

Being engaged to him, something I never gave the others didn't seem to matter to him.

In the end I called it off I thought he'd be happier with someone else and he was no longer the man I used to love. He was just one of those guys who wanted to get some.

Some guys don't care, they love no matter what and are willing to wait. Others, I can see their expression as they just want to get away as fast as possible.

I have had other guys that stop loving over this, at one point it made me reluctant to talk about because I felt like it would end relationships every time I did, often it did. I continued to do so, wanting to make sure I was open and honest.

The worst case scenario for myself would be feeling the need to lie to my husband to avoid these problems later if he asked about it then or telling him the truth which could lead to divorce, adultery or worse.

The next guy I was engaged to, when we first discussed it, he was having a really hard time but then seemed okay with it later. He said he was fine and it wouldn't be an issue that he had come to terms with it.

I was thrilled he was okay with it, we could move beyond it to start our lives together.

He become secretive and withdrawn. I ended up by pure accident discovering that the way he was handling this was to find flings and keep upping his number count to try and catch mine. When caught he said he was doing this for us, otherwise he would be unable to get married. Translation "I am a cheating jerk and we really shouldn't get married"

I personally believe it is best for people to be as close together as possible in numbers but it really may not matter, totally depends on each person, being balanced, means neither one should have an issue with the others number. If someone does then your not meant to be together.

When I find Mr. Right, I have to accept him for who is and he has to accept me for who I am. Our past is what made us who we are. If neither can do that, it is best to move on. Given my history it is a miracle I'm even here today.

Does the Number of sexual partners really matter
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  • t-8900
    Okay I'm going to try to share my views on this without hurting you or anyone else. First let me start with this: I appreciate that you remained honest when so many would just look at the pattern and choose to lie. I could not stand to be married to someone who lied about such a thing to me. I am not a virgin but tried to remain one all my life. I've been with 2 women in my life. The first was in the second grade when I was raped numerous times by a female teacher. Obviously I had no say in the matter whatsoever. This was not something that happened once but multiple times and started giving me incontrollable urges. I think this is why I high body counts maybe bother me as much as they do. Let me explain more as to why.

    I grew up Christian and was taught that people who are not married must control their urges by not sleeping around. So I simply didn't. I had numerous girls throw themselves at me and I could have taken them to bed and my body count would be in the upper mid 20's right now. I had to suppress that SO MUCH. I had to go through so much mental and spiritual anguish. Once I had been raped I could NOT STOP TOUCHING MYSELF. I would have to masturbate 8-9 times a day to keep myself relatively functional. I would have to excuse myself during classroom hours to take care of it. I would have to do it once or twice in the morning everyday before school and once or twice before bed every night.

    And I grew up believing that more of the world WAS Christian and followed these rules. And I wanted to find a Christian woman who was chaste or relatively close to me in body count because of the enormous strain I endured. I didn't and don't want it to be for naught. On top of that I visualize things a certain way that's very hard for me to get over. The idea of other guys having used the person I love and what they did leaves mental images in my head that are hard to reconcile with. They turn my stomach tbh. So I felt it healthier for me to be with somebody who's #'s I could digest. I'm not saying that the person with a high body count doesn't deserve love and happiness or is a bad person. I'm not saying that at all.

    What I am saying is that I personally probably can't look past it in a sexual partner and can't get over it. I'm sure there are a few gaggers on here that will love to take shots at me for this and talk trash. Fair enough, go for it. But I simply cannot lie to myself about my feelings because I TRIED that before and the only thing I felt in the end was hatred at myself. I went out with one girl who was very promiscuous and I hated myself for it. I beat myself up about it constantly and it did affect me like your first ex. The difference is? I didn't cheat on her and never would have.

    The irony of it all was that in fact she was cheating on me, as did other women who were in a similar boat. So I'm not sure if it was one thing or a culmination of bad life experiences and my own journey but for me it's where I draw a line between friend and more than a friend. And when I say "friend" I'm not talking about a F*ck buddy because I see lots of guys trying to call those people "friends". I would still be an ACTUAL friend. Someone you can confide in and a shoulder you can cry on. But I can't be there for you in a romantic sense, I simply cannot bring myself to do it even if I loved you and that's been the case before. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person or not. I'm sure some people will say that but I just need to be real with my own feelings. I'm sorry for all that's happened to you and I genuinely hope you find someone who treats you right and respects you.
    LikeHelpfulDisagree 15 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Your not odd, in the real world you are like most guys I've known. Hence why I said at the bottom, best is to be close as possible to the same count. Just like you stated, those mental images in your head and you being just another number bothers a lot of guys.

      Yet if you or anyone can handle it then it may not be a problem, some just can, others can't. I've even known women who can't reconcile it. Thinking how many other girls has he stuck it into.

      Everyone can find someone who is just right for them, better to stay single than marry someone where every time you do it, that is all your going to think about.

      I'm now okay with the fact that guys run from me, that's okay. Their loss, if they can't handle it, I won't hold it again them. I'd rather be honest up front than run into an EX somewhere and have my husband asking who that is and at that point, having to lie or tell him the truth.

      Sad truth is a lot of rape victims, or children that were molested end up becoming promiscuous.

      Thanks for the feedback, you did well and did not hurt my feelings... your awesome, hope you find who is out there for you, assume your not already married.

    • t-8900

      No I'm not married, still looking and single atm. Fact of the matter is that I've dated a few women and they lied up front about it. slowly and surely it started to come forward... after bumping into exes at the malls, stores, and movies. Suffice it to say I not only felt like a meaningless flavor of the week but I also felt a bit dirty. And it was kind of like being used in my eyes, just like when I was raped. And yes I could have easily been promiscuous but delt with it as I did. And that took a lot of effort. Since you yourself know that feeling just imagine that repression. Now hold that repression from the time you are 7 years old until you just couldnt take it anymore and cracked in a moment of weakness when your parent was dying on a hospital bed and an ex came to you in that moment and things just happened. The details are in the mytakes on my page.

    • t-8900

      You can read them at your leisure but this is your mytake and to link it here would just be very rude. If you want we can message. I sent you a follow request. I'm down to talk anytime and make new friends. People get the wrong idea about me. They think I'm a prude or judgmental. But they dont know what I've been through or dont care to understand my position. But at least you are willing to have an honest dialogue. Its true I dont approve of certain things. When people ask "would you date a sex worker" and I say no and give my reasons I get all kinds of attacks. Sorry but when was it a crime to have preferences in such things? Then they ASSume that I'm just a typical guy that screws around, I never have. That other girl I had sex with that one time? I ended up stopping, feeling horrible, told her to leave, and cried in the bathroom. I had made a mistake, I simply wasn't in love and thats really the only way I can have sex. My dad was dying, he was all I had, I was alone and he was in the hospital, my ex hit me up and when she saw what was going on on social media, she came over, I cried, she loosened the bra and kissed me, things just happened.

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  • Jhonrembo
    Our culture accepts and sometimes even adores men who go out with a lot of women. And the opposite about women who go out with a lot of men who look at them with a bad eye. In my opinion it all depends on the type of person and his character and in general it is better to be less judgmental towards people. We never know the causes and the full picture.
    LikeDisagree 4 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • "We never know the causes and the full picture" I love this phrase, people often think I just liked hooking up and didn't care but there is always reason and others don't understand the full people can get very judgmental.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • mistixs
    People have the right to do whatever they want but I personally don't think I would be compatible with someone who has had many sexual partners. Our lifestyles would be too different.
    Like 2 People
  • Diodoro
    To be fair, with respect to your first engagement, it sounds like you didn't respect your man and that was the biggest issue.

    Why wouldn't he feel as if you didn't love him as much? He's supposed to believe you'll fuck men you don't love but not the man you do love UNLESS he marries you first?

    You were giving him more barriers to sex, than other men. You need to realize a certain base competitive nature men have. Instinctually, no man wants to "pay" so to speak more than another man for anything.

    By you requiring him to wait until marriage, you were effectively telling him he wasn't as good as the other guys you didn't give that requirement.

    Of course he'd feel that way. But you turned it around on him to say he's just another one of "those guy" when really you weren't respecting him. You're setting yourself up for a vicious cycle miss.

    Because no man is going to want to be celibate for you, until marriage when you've had sex with guys before marriage. No man with his head on straight would ever agree to that.

    Like sincerely ask yourself. What motivation would a man have to wait until marriage to sleep with his wife, whom has already slept with men before marriage?

    Second question to ask yourself. Why would a man who has had sex now make himself celibate on your behalf, knowing you're not a virgin either?
    LikeHelpfulDisagree 5 People
    • Understood, I've learned from the past and see what you saying.

      I didn't try to do that to him. We had talked about waiting, it was actually his idea when we got a little close. This wasn't going to be a long engagement either, six months.

      I do understand how he felt, but also felt if I gave it to him (I almost nearly did) that it would not of helped, he had changed too much. I just felt he would eventually end things after we did it for awhile.

      Thank you for your polite input.

    • Diodoro

      I see what you're saying too. Just don't want you drawing an unhelpful conclusion from your past that's likely to cause repeats. Wish you the best

  • Datboi65
    I'm gonna be brutally honest on this answer.

    DISCLAIMER: I don't know you personally, and I have no vendetta against you of any sorts. Having said that, I will not give you any sugar-coated bs. Get ready for some heat.

    You said you were engaged multiple times, and they all resulted in failure, but the men were the problem? See, I look at it different. Since you are the common denominator between all if those different guys, YOU are the problem. The first man was loyal and faithful, but he wasn't getting a fair deal. He learned about your sexual history with a lot of men, and it completely crushed him and he couldn't see you the same way anymore. If you were serious about him, you would tell him about it, and he most likely would've cut you off from the jump, but you waited for him to propose and be emotionally invested, and then you dropped the bomb. I'm gonna assume he was a virgin and saving himself for marriage, since not a lot of dudes do that nowadays. You say that that was the first time you "gave" that to someone (the engagement), but the fact of the matter is HE gave that to YOU. He hot on one knee and proposed to you. All those other men you have been with before him haven't done that. That tells me he's serious about it, but you weren't serious enough about him to tell him the truth. Second guy was probably desperate to be with you, but felt some type if way about your previous affairs. I say that if you don't like a girl, break up with her, it's that easy. He was probably a simp who wanted you, but also wanted to have a higher body count than yours, but what he should've done is he should've cut you off from the early stages. Cheating isn't fine.

    Now that we got this out of the way, let's talk about YOU. You having a promiscuous past basically means most men will not take you seriously, whether you like it or you don't. It's just how it is, and no it doesn't boil down to "insecurity". A promiscuous woman is rebellious, and a rebellious woman doesn't take direction from a man, so she doesn't make a great wife. Also, there's the likelihood if cheating, so let's not pretend that it's only men that cheat. See, before second wave feminism, there was a stigma around casual hookups, so people were encouraged to abstain from sex until they get married, and that was why the marriage rate was high, and the divorce rate was low. Once women started pushing for sexual liberation, everything changed. What you don't realize is that the double standard exists for a good reason, because WOMEN ARE THE GATEKEEPERS. If women don't sleep around, men wouldn't be getting any. It's that simple. More sexual activity increases the risk of unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and it makes you compare your man to other men you have had in the past. What you're not gonna do is shame men for feeling some type of way about this, when YOU should've had less sexual partners and had more of a traditional marriage mindset rather than the "free spirit" Jezabel spirit. You didn't give that man anything special, anything that you haven't given the 30 dudes you were with before him, and it absolutely crushed him. I don't feel bad for him either, because he should've asked beforehand, but you are not the victim here.
    LikeDisagree 6 People
    • Datboi65

      Finally, some solutions. "Mr. Right" doesn't exist. I don't believe in soulmates, I believe in communication. When I tell you majority of men wouldn't be OK with your past, I mean it. If you want a quality man, you need therapy, and you need to put an effort into becoming a better person and actually offering your man something you haven't given someone else. Learn how to vet people, so they don't cheat on you, and that's through spotting early red flags. Understand that you might have to settle. Since most men you want aren't in terms with your past, the guys you may or may not have in the friendzone that don't have an issue with that are probably your best bet. Try to make an honest effort into addressing your problems, and not masking them. You cannot address a deep wound with a band-aid, that just doesn't work, and if you have to take some time off from dating, then do that until you are in a better spot. You are probably lucky that you're not a single mother, or that would've been an entirely different conversation.

    • You can try reading my other mytake, that is why I did it. Had nothing to do with just wanting a lot of sex and partners.

      I know I am the common denominator, but if that had not happened to me from our wonderful rape culture, I would of been married by 22 and had kids by now and likely only had a few guys I had been with.

      I try not to use that as a excuse, just a reason... in trying to take back control of my life and use me how I was used.

      Even so I am okay, I will continue to survive and I'll be fine no matter what.

      Thanks

    • Datboi65

      First of all, I would like to say what you have been through is absolutely wrong and messed up. I'm sorry you had to endure that.

      In my disclaimer, I stated that I don't know you personally, or your situation, so I gave a general answer that is true for the most part, and I stand by my answer.

      See, my case is different. I was sexually molested when I was 5 years old by our maid at the time, and it continued for 2 years. I have a rather foggy memory of what happened before I was 5, but what I do know is that she used to work for my family since before I was born. I never told anyone about it until I was 15, 10 years after the first incident I remember, and that person I talked to about it was my mother, and to this day she's the only one in real life who knows about it. I would be totally lying if I said that I overcame the incident, but it never affected my view on women, because I know that that person was evil, but she is who she is and people aren't all the same. My plan is to wait until marriage before I get it on, because I do believe in saving myself until marriage, and I do not let what happened affect me. I think trauma can affect one's behavior, but ultimately it's up to them to take a choice to change the projection of their life.

  • HellGeist
    Oh boy... [DISCLAIMER]

    Well, this will be a long one. I'm going to be blunt, so seriously - Trigger warning to feminists and the like.

    Seriously. Please stop reading now if you're going to complain or be offended. I just finished posting about this elsewhere and I'm going to largely copy and paste what I wrote before onto here.

    It's a lot. No TL;DR. I go into detail because I was going back and forth with another poster and explaining my position.

    Do not read if you do not want to. This will be split into multiple parts.

    Disclaimer over!

    So, to begin - yes body count matters. A lot.

    Men and women are VERY different. There is no real double standard, and I will explain why down the line.

    I'm all for women sleeping around if that's what they truly want, but the problem arises when said women try to get married or whatever and then it's almost always a trainwreck and she divorces the dude.

    You're ruining your ability to pair-bond with a man if you sleep around, and it will be hard for you to get into and stay in a long-term committed relationship if "Mr. Right" comes along.

    Honestly, women who have very high body counts should just continue to... Do their thing. If they try to then lock down a man, statistically it doesn't end well and the dude ends up suffering a lot, so you're better off leaving the dude be and just sticking to casual sex.
    LikeDisagree 6 People
    • HellGeist

      Why do you think divorce was so high and why marriage rates went down? Because men don't want to commit to Western women anymore because they don't make good wives.

      Part of the reason why is precisely because a ton of Western women have lots of casual sex, and they've developed a reputation.

      Most guys can't sleep around like women can unless they're above average in looks and/or wealthy.

      There's also a reason why a lot of guys are pining for traditional conservative women these days, both foreign and domestic.

      They don't want LTR's or marriages with loose Western women with high body counts who are known for initiating divorces at least 70% of the time or more.

      Also, even though most Western women do hookups and casual sex, there is a difference between being with a woman with a body count of 5, 10 and above.

      The higher it goes, the less men will want to commit to them.

      That's why you often see posts on the internet just like this one (surprise, surprise) about guys who ghost girls or leave if they find out the girl they're with has a past of like 20, 30, 40, 50+ men.

      For a lot of guys that's too much.

      Yeah, there will always be beta-type and feminist dudes who will willingly be committed to a woman with a high body count, but they usually pay the price for it by being divorced by her or cucked multiple times.

      And a lot of women aren't really attracted to desperate beta men.

      Most guys don't and can't sleep around as much as women do. Men actually have to put some effort into getting sex most of the time. It takes skill and some luck too.

      Historically more women have reproduced than men have.

      Face it. Guys don't want to commit to women who sleep around a lot. Especially if they have really high body counts. They'll fuck you, but then move on to another girl with less partners if they have the ability to be with her.

    • HellGeist

      Furthermore, guys don't want to get an STD or get cucked by a woman who will trick them into raising a kid that isn't theirs, so that is why they want to ideally be with women who don't have a ton of partners because they are more trustworthy.

      And so many people have herpes these days, it's really gross lol. No thanks! Nothing will ruin your sex life like HERPES.

      It's also a matter of degrees.

      For example, Men would rather be with a non-western woman that has had only 5 casual sex partners, than a Western woman who probably has a WAY higher body count than that.

      Also, all else being equal, dudes would rather be with a Western woman from a more traditional/chaste/conservative background that has only had, let's say 7 sexual partners vs a loose western woman that has 37!!!

      It's really, really simple.

      And women from traditional families/upbringings stay virgins or at low body counts for longer than the average Tinderella.

      Which means that they have a higher chance of getting into a successful LTR or marriage with then man or men they want.

      Also, just because something is normal/common/more accepted now doesn't mean it's healthy and not degenerate.

      Women with lower body counts are the ones most men want to be with long term.

      Period. End of story. It's biology.

    • HellGeist

      I wanted to add something I noticed after reading your post. Again, I am going to be blunt, here.

      You wrote: "Being engaged to him, something I never gave the others didn't seem to matter to him.

      In the end I called it off I thought he'd be happier with someone else and he was no longer the man I used to love. He was just one of those guys who wanted to get some."

      Sorry, but this sounds like a cop-out and a lack of accountability.

      Even though he was the first man you were engaged to, he clearly doubted the validity/seriousness of your commitment to your engagement.

      And he had good reason: you kind of proved his doubts to be warranted.

      I say this because clearly your number of sexual partners made him doubt your sincerity in staying committed to him and the marriage-to-be.

      Yet STILL he was willing to go to pre-marital counseling to try to make it work, but in the end YOU called it off, regardless of the reason why.

      He wasn't "just one of those guys that wanted to get some."

      His actions in going to pre-counseling with you prove that he was invested and wanted to make things work!

      I mean, how many couples do pre-marital counseling if they not serious? So clearly he tried to get past your body count.

      But in the end you proved his doubts completely valid by canceling the engagement (which I'm sure wasn't easy for him), which shows that you would not have been marriage material.

      After all, a woman who calls of an engagement would also likely be willing and capable of calling off a marriage if things got tough.

    • Show All
  • bobalife
    Great Mytake! :) This speaks volume.

    The number used to bother me in my early to mid twenties, but I just became more open-minded and understanding. The number doesn't really bothered me. It is his past before I was there. All that matters to me is his dedication and commitment to me as his one person moving forward.
    Like 2 People
    • Thanks,

      Kind of the same here, used to bother me, then didn't. It was hard for me to accept when he had more, then saw the other side of that and the pain it caused another guy and how much it hurt him.

    • bobalife

      Your welcome,

      I totally hear you. I am the same boat as you except I dont think I've ever hurt any guy with my body count. I think each individuals just take things differently. Sure you dont wanna hurt him nor lose him, but you are just being your authentic self. We can only hope that someone will accept us for us and not shame us for our past or let our past hurt them presently. Unfortunately if someone is unable to be receptive of it well or be mindful of it, then they aren't the person you are meant for. I feel like everyone has a past and does multiple different things with people.. (it shouldn't even be about just body count in my opinion) but should we let that ruined something beautiful that can be created now and in the future? I am also sorry to hear about the guy who lied he was cool about it and started cheating instead, which does not give him any right. He probably was just a cheater anyways. So you dodge a bullet. I remember the last guy I dated seriously last year, he actually was chill about my body count number. We ended for other reasons. But the point is I am sure there will be a good potential who will be open and accepting of it :) It is common for men to sleep around, so women can do it too. We are allow to love our bodies and do what we want. Obviously when we are in a commited relationship, it doesn't mean we will cheat or they are less valuable right? I think thats a bad myth people be spreading. Ultimately at the end of the day.. if someone is loyal, they be loyal. If someone is a cheater, they will cheat. But our past shouldn't make us less valuable and worthy of love due to body count.

    • I can't say any have tried to shame me for it, I think its more that they feel like settling down will mean they will miss a lot of sexual experiences, with a lot of other girls. Or they think it is special and I don't, that has been a big one.

      Something that someone has a lot of is not special somehow.

  • Hellothere543212
    This is a very interesting stance.

    I do believe the gap between the level of acceptance around female and male sexuality is slowly narrowing. In general, women do seem be somewhat less stigmatised by their sexual relationships on a social level, less so on an intimate level. For example, in a place of business or a general social situation, a woman’s number of sexual partners often doesn’t impact how she succeeds in that environment or how capable she is deemed. But on an intimate level, males are more likely to not want to pursue a serious relationship with someone with a lot of sexual partners, than a woman would be with a man with a lot of sexual partners. Therefore in terms of intimate relationships, I do think it impacts a woman. But less so in terms of how she is perceived in that society. I don’t think women are labelled to the extent they used to be in social environments. I also think that men are less likely to see a high number of sexual partners as something to brag about. Not necessarily because it isn’t approved of, but simply because, possibly because of dating apps, casual sex is more common.

    I think the double standard also exists within females in general depending on the individual. A woman that has a high amount of sexual partners from a middle/upper class background is often labelled as sexually liberated; a woman with a high number of sexual partners from a working class background is more likely to be labelled as trashy…
    LikeHelpful 3 People
  • Star_88
    Ironically it's the men who haves sex with multiple women but at the same time, can't stand his wife to have multiple flings because he considers it disrespectful and suspicious, SO WHAT EXACTLY HE IS DOING? Double standards!!! A guy I know flirts with any pretty woman, but he wants to date me and he's being possessive about me, even talking to my guy classmates normally.
    LikeDisagree 8 People
    • I agree with you they are hypocrites. So they can not be disappointed if their girlfriend and wife lied to them about their sexual Body count

  • all_hayl
    You’ve kind of already answered your own question. Lots of different preferences based on perspective, values, etc.
    I, for one, do care. For a variety of reasons. That does not mean that I’m going to turn down a gal who has had a promiscuous past. There’s more to it than that. But everyone has their own preferences. It’s definitely not a one-size-fits-all.
    Helpful 1 Person
    • all_hayl

      And yes, you’re right, this question has been asked almost too many times on the site.

    • I joined last week and saw it like 4 times in 5 days, I expect it will come up many more, for new people.

      I wasn't personally stating an opinion on if it matters to me or not, just sort of analyzed what I could find on it. Put it all out there, end result is that it only matters, if it matters to YOU and your partner.

      Listing some pro's and con's that are not guarantees of anything, stats are just that, averages that doesn't mean you'll fit into them.

  • Screenwriter
    I understand your conclusions from your personal experience.

    However, there is no reason for complete honesty about sexual partner numbers. Men will usually judge women who have been with more partners than they have. I was married to a man who kept asking me about what sex was like with other men AFTER we were married. I told him I was not discussing that and eventually ignored his asking and wouldn't talk about it. He finally stopped.

    Those kinds of talks are not about honesty; they're about one upsmanship, twisted morality, judgment, et al. They add nothing to a relationship and will, more than likely, damage it.

    It's fine to talk about PEOPLE relationships: he was selfish, was a great carpenter, a terrible conversationalist, oddball dancer. But your sex life with anyone other than your current parnter is PRIVATE. Sure, you can tell a few funny tales about bad sex with someone, but a body count? Should be advertised as much as your bank balance or medical status.

    And though your past experiences help make you the person you are, there is absolutely no need to tell anyone who is not a longterm partner, meaning a LIFE partner, about your sexual past. Sex is a loaded topic tied erroneously to religion, morality, sexism. And there is no need to tell ALL. Choose what is important.

    You don't tell people about every vacation you've ever had because they aren't all significant OR interesting. You might mention the best or worst. Then again, you might not mention ANY. Privacy is just as important in a relationship as it is online, on the job or a dozen other instances.

    Honesty is never the best policy when it's damaging to you or the other person. Here is where YOU have to exercise wise judgment.
    LikeFunnyDisagree 4 People
  • ManOnFire
    This is a pretty talked about topic on here, yes. When I was a lot younger, a woman's number really didn't matter to me, because I was still young and hadn't really learned enough about sex, sexual partners, and how all that does have more of an affect on women than I think it does men. From reading your Take and your experiences, I gather you may be somewhat different from a lot of other women who have a high number.

    If you've had several sexual partners just because you've had several relationships and of course had sex with each of those guys, that doesn't really bother me. But if it's a woman who's had a lot of sexual partners simply because she leads a life of looseness and cavalier sexual fun, then it's going to make me run the other way, yes.

    The reason why is because women like that either have a trauma history of sexual abuse, are bipolar, have other issues, or simply because she just doesn't have any care or restrictions on her body. I've been in relationships with former rape victims and they were the types to give their bodies away, and I had a relationship with a woman who was a true whore, and who hated me for being able to know it no matter how much she thought she could hide it from me.

    Women who are very sexually active with different men are not quite the same as a man-whore. Sex alters women in ways that is different for men, even if they don't realize it or acknowledge it. These kinds of women tend to develop what I call a knowledge of evil. Their sexual activity and experience teaches them how to look at men, or rather judge them, before ever having sex with them and even after. They learn how to use silence as either a way to manipulate or get rid of a man. They live a life of sexual secrecy that they believe cannot be seen in their countenance, but is apparent. They become paranoid and hesitant to answer simple casual questions about their lives or what they like to do while the rest of us have no issue with it, and make up stories that they're not interested in anybody and just want to spend the weekend at home doing nothing or just "wanting to sleep." I've known numerous women who tell these timeless lies and you will later find out they've been sleeping with someone or even bouncing guys around.

    And they also tend to privately see themselves as sexually superior to most men based on how much sex they can have and how much ability they have to attract. All of this combined makes them more often than not become desensitized and cold to where they really do not ever care about a man. They see each man they sleep with as another momentary fun thing they can move on from when they're ready, and that men are expendable or unnecessary for every other thing, and can be gotten any time they want.

    Are there men like this? Yes. And we do know that. But even a man-whore loves somebody, and his heart can be broken.

    We often hear society arguing that men are praised for their sexploits while women are slut-shamed. I actually beg to differ. Although people do call a woman who sleeps around a slut, it actually contradicts their true viewpoint that they still see a woman as more sexually effective or powerful in being able to attain sex. Women who feel that it's a double standard to be shamed for sleeping around are simply angry because they want to do the same thing as a man, even though they look at those guys as garbage for doing it. Also a man who hits on women or pursues them sexually is often seen as annoying, lacking self-control, or a horny monster. A woman who would do the same is looked at as confident or even attractive.

    But bottom line: in some sense, a person's number of partners does matter, yes.
    LikeHelpfulDisagree 5 People
    • HellGeist

      Holy shit. Very well put! I agree with so much of this. I ended up writing a thesis, but you sumed it up quite perfectly in one go. Awesome. Great writing, too.

    • ManOnFire

      @HellGeist Thanks. I wrote an old Take a few years ago on here titled A Man Call Tell If A Woman Has Slept With Several Men. It has a little more than what I put here.

    • @ManOnFire You absolutely demolished this topic as well as the nay-sayers! Very well done! What I've noticed with those who claim body-count doesn't matter are never truly backing their statement with valid arguments, but often just use shaming tactics instead. While I've noticed those who do say it matters are ready to come with some solid arguments liek you did. I'm going to check out your Take for sure. I happen to also have written a Take in regards to this topic in case you're interested

      Why The Number of Sexual Partners Matters ↗

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  • The stigma shouldn't go away. Instead it should also be applied on men.

    In fact, in the Arab and Muslim world it is!

    You are going in the wrong direction.

    You're exacerbating the problem.

    Men should be held accountable for screwing around, instead of saying that you want to normalize the wrongdoings for women too.

    This is sincerely sad for me to read.
    LikeHelpful 4 People
  • hi_it_is_me123
    In my opinion any hypocritical boy -not man- is a hoe. If you want a virgin, then be virgin yourself. It is also ridiculous how manwhores try to justify douple standards. Just admit you are an entitled irresponsible manhoe. I prefere virgin or men with low bodycount. I experienced it myself how my ex could not "pair bond" with me after whoring around and kissing a lot of girls. When i first met him, he was virgin but still had some sexual experience and he was kinda loyal, "attached" etc. When we broke up and later became together again, i saw the change in him. It was difficult for him to be loyal. I also care about bodycount because of sexual transmitted diseases such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV/AIDS, HPV, Syphilis etc. Some of them can be even transmitted through oral sex or even kissing. HIV ain't the only sexual transmitted disease. It is shocking to me how many people are so careless. These sexual transmitted diseases affect women worse than men. So women should care about their partners bodycount. I recommend women choosing men with low or zero bodycount.
    Like 3 People
    • I also dont understand American men. They dont want to wait till marriage but also want virgin or women with low bodycount. If you want a serious relationship, dont increase any girl's bodycount, otherwise it is stupid to complain about not finding virgins or women with low bodycount. Guys should not increase any girl's bodycount if he ain't serious with her or he should not complain about not finding virgins or women with low bodycount as I said

    • Rob17792

      that's fucked up how your ex changed. in all the years i been with my significant other i never once kissed another girl and never whored myself around never had sex hooked up with anybody. i'm sorry he did that to you. i been with mine for 4 years and never did any of those things.

    • Rob17792

      and you're right about what you said about men whoring around and with the std's but same can be said about women and transmitting std's to their partner. it's a fucked up world and a really fucked up society

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  • Daniela1982
    Depends on the time period is for your number. If you have 6 in 30 years you would seem to have a decent relationship stability for the most part. If it is 6 in one month I would wonder what street corner she stands on. If it means nothing to you it might to your prospective partner. Does the Number of sexual partners really matter
    LikeFunny 4 People
  • erandal
    A good read. I went through a bad patch after my first marriage and had a very large number of sexual partners. I do consider myself to have been 'a slut' during this period not because of the number but how I went about it (nightclub, flirt, sex, next...). My current partner (18+ years) is not aware how high the number is and he believes it to be in single figures.
    LikeFunnyHelpfulDisagree 5 People
  • Kaytiee
    For me it does, and not because I'm saving myself for marriage or heavily Christian, (that ship sailed a long time ago) but because if the number is very high, then change is hard to complete, never impossible of course, I've gone through changes with my personality, but I was younger like 14-16 and not so deadset on this abusive mindset I used to have, when you're getting into your 20s and 30s key habits are formed, and to break them becomes harder and harder, compare it to a smoker, for example, people who smoke a cigarette a day have an easier time quitting than people who smoke 40 a day.

    And I personally would not have the mental restrain to help someone as they slowly completed this change, as with sexual partners the risk is = cheating, if like my current boyfriend he has issues with mood, the risk is = an argument, not such a consequence as cheating. So yes, change can happen but it doesn't mean you're entitled to a partner because of it.

    As for physical, don't listen to incels who talk about being 'stretched' out. That's false, the only thing that changes the vagina is childbirth, and aging, no matter how much you sleep around your vagina because it's a muscle, goes back. I guess a pro of this situation is, the partner will be good in bed for sure, for my boyfriends I prefer them to have just a few sexual partners so the experience is there. As for your engagement, I must say not stating your sexual partners beforehand is where you messed up, I personally believe people have a right to know.
    LikeHelpful 2 People
  • Xoxocutekitty
    In my honest opinion, it should not.

    If you are a virgin and take the time to know yourself and your standards, you do the right thing and be upfront about it. If you are very willing to break up with 'someone damaged' and wait until after an engagement to ask these questions - you're either extremely naive or a jerk.

    This person thinks that your love is unconditional, that everything is OK. Fact: it's harmful to rip a good relationship away from someone because one day, you learned a truth and care more about your new perception of them, rather than than your entire experience dating and investing in them/ their social circle.

    If I've never seen someone take or glorify drugs in 2 years, I'm not going to assume that since they took cocaine in college, theyre always a crackhead. I'm not going to break up with someone just because 'I found out what they did' if it does nothing to reflect who they are and where they are going with their life.

    From personal experience, some guys will continue to hold this double standard. You can't fix toxic, you can't fix insecure. Either they can accept it or they can't- because no matter how much you argue about it, it happened and there's nothing anyone can do to change it.

    A true traditional gentleman who acknowledges he cannot handle it, doesn't act out in crazy ways 'trying to catch up' or 'punish you for a bad past', he'd politely break things off because he learned something about himself and what he cannot accept despite you being just as valuable as before 'he knew'. Good for you for cutting your losses.
    Like 2 People
  • Lliam
    Asking about body count is a huge red flag for me. I'd leave someone who asked because they don't have the kind of character that I'm attracted to.

    I never asked a girlfriend about her body count. None ever asked mine. I think that's just plain rude. Plus it's immature and indicates insecurity.

    I assess a lady's character and personality myself. I don't need a resume about her entire life before we met.

    "They saved themselves as a special gift." "Some may feel that it is meant to be a sacred special act and having a higher number means you don't consider it special."
    Barf, barf, barf. l would run from someone with those kind of beliefs. I prefer someone who is heterosexual, loves sex and doesn't have hang ups, but also has good character, common sense, and self respect.

    I was 16 when I got in my first relationship. Never cheated on any girlfriend. But I did move on to a new relationship eventually. I didn't do one night stands or fuck anything with legs. I wasn't a player or a liar. I respect women too much as human beings for that. I like women and liked having girlfriends, being with them, going places, doing things, talking, having fun together.

    I would move on because I was young and knew I was too immature to get married and start a family. I didn't want to ruin their life or mine. I didn't want to get married OR have kids. I wanted to gain experience and learn about life. So if we were together for several months and I realized that she wasn't the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I moved on and set her free to find someone who did want to marry her.

    It wasn't until I was in my mid-30s that I started thinking that I should find a partner that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I felt that I was finally mature enough to settle down. Marriage was a serious thing for me. I considered it to be not just a legal contract but a pledge of honor, a sacred vow. I didn't want to jump into it or make a mistake.

    During my search, I had a couple more girlfriends and finally met my future wife when I was 40 and she was 38. Neither of us had ever been married or had kids. Did I want to hear about her "body count"? Hell no! I know that she had previous partners in her life. Obviously. She would be a sicko if she hadn't. Was I interested in hearing the list? Hell no! She obviously knew that I had lived a good life before we met, too. But when we met, we clicked. It was amazing. We dated exclusively for a year before I asked her to marry me. I was sure. And she took marriage as seriously as did I. She was very cautious and even asked me to attend couples counseling for a while to see if we were truly right for each other. We got married a year later.

    We've both mentioned previous partners here and there. She might reflect that she went someplace or another with a boyfriend. She only mentions him in passing as part of the story, she doesn't reminisce about him. I tell her similar stories. It's no secret. We're not jealous. We're grown ups.

    We've been happily married now for 25 years. I trust her completely and she trusts me. I would never do anything to hurt her.

    I realize that this comment rambled. It was late when I wrote it and I wanted to go to bed.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    • HellGeist

      A lady a body count says a TON about her character.

      Past actions often predict future results.

    • HellGeist

      *A lady's

    • Lliam

      @HellGeist. Yeah, it you have a patriarchal world view and prefer dependent, submissive women.

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  • JCrockett
    Here are my thoughts.

    Yes, it matters. Sex is rightfully associated with intimacy, commitment, and pair bonding. To dilute those things with multiple partners, particularly "casual" partners, is a bad thing. It's fair to care.

    Men aren't into girls with high body counts, but girls generally don't mind as much. Disapprove all you want, but thems facts and you just have to deal with them. It's not like there are no reasons for them, either.

    Women want their partners to be high value. Being pursued or accepted by others signals that value. It means he's already passed someone else's filters. It's a positive. Just like nice clothes, nice car, nice house, nice jobs all signal success and value. They're achievements on the guy's resume.

    Men want their partners to be high value as well, but they see women's value as purity and commitment. (Or alternatively, pure sex. They'll happily have sex with a slut, but they won't want anything more. For more, they want something pure.) Women are born with their value, and they depreciate as soon as they're driven off the lot, so to speak.

    Men also feel inadequate when they imagine their girl has been with many others. It's too much competition, and it affects their confidence and performance. That's bad for both parties. Do women have that problem?

    Furthermore, men are more capable of having sex without attachment. Women grow emotional bonds from sex more easily. So when they have many partners, it's not just a bodily function they're loose with, it's their own natural pair bonding. That makes any prospective long term mate much less attractive, because it indicates that *this* relationship can't be special.

    And there's even more asymmetry. Any reasonably skinny girl can be a slut. But very few guys can do the same. A girl slut lacks self control. Most guys lack that kind of self control as well, but a male slut at least is doing something impressive.

    All in all, the double standard makes a whole lot of sense. I can't say I disagree with it.

    That said, I don't think it's good for men to sleep around either. I think it is bad for men psychologically, and bad for everyone societally, when men satisfy their sexual urges casually. Women should use sex to tame men, but they can't do that if sex is free. Men who aren't building a future through commitment to a family are depriving society of its most important building block.

    And then the fact returns that only some men can manage to have all that sex, which just leaves a greater disparity for the men who are left behind with partners, because all the women are going after the same dominant cohort of top men. That inequality also destabilizes male fulfillment, and therefore society.

    So yeah, slutting is bad no matter who does it, but it's even worse for women, because it damages their future relationship prospects. Society suffers when men are sluts, but the slutty men are mostly unscathed. Society suffers when women are sluts, too, but the slutty women suffer even more.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
  • iCumLikeCrazy2
    Well, It's Really No One Else's Business How Many Sex Partners Anyone Has Had!!!
    People Have Different Amounts For Many Reasons So It Doesn't Make Any Difference To Me As Long As The Other Girls That I Have Sex With Are STD Free, That's All That Matters!!!

    I Have Never Had Sex With ANY Guys Ever, (ZERO), But I'm Not Ashamed To Admit That I Have Had Sex With Over 400 Other Girls In My High School and College Days and I Still Continue To Have Sex With As Many Other Girls As I Wish!!!

    Yes I Am A Lipstick Lesbian And I Love My Sexual Freedom Too Much To Settle Down With Just One Girl So I Always Have Multiple Female Sex Partners!!!

    I've Been This Way Since I Was A Freshman At My Private All Girl Catholic High School!!!

    At Just 13 yo I Had Sex With Multiple Female Classmates Either One On One Or In Group Orgies and I Loved It Right From The Get Go!!!

    I Never Knew There Were So Many Other Girls Like Me That Liked Other Girls Too Until I Went To This School!!!

    By The End Of My Freshman Year Of High School, I Was Having More Oral Sex With Most Of My Female High School Classmates and I Can Honestly Say That I Believe I Had Given and Received More Oral Sex In One Months Time Than Most Girls Have In An Entire Lifetime!!!

    I Miss Those Days, But My Oral Escapades With Other Girls Carried On Throughout The Rest Of My High School Years And All Of My College Years Too!!!

    I Was Fortunate Enough To Pledge To A Lesbian Sorority At College and Lived In The Main Sorority House For 4 Years With 29 Other Girls and Again I Can Easily Say That
    I Gave and Received More Oral Sex In One Month (Every Month) Than Most Girls Give Or Receive In An Entire Lifetime!!!

    These Days I'm Not As Sexually Active As I Was Back Then, But I Still Give And Receive More Oral Sex In A Month Than Most Girls Do In An Entire Lifetime and I Still Love My Sexual Freedom Enough To Continue Having Multiple Female Sex Partners!!!
    Like 1 Person
    • Living your best life. :)

    • Fuck that noise, she either tells me a number from 0 to 3 or I'm not interested.

      400 though, damn, any girl with a number that high definitely has stds, even if the test says otherwise (safe to assume false negatives happened at some point)

    • Booboo210

      What act of sex you do to cum so much
      first time you fucked a guy with many orgasms

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  • msc545
    Many men firmly believe that the number of sexual partners a woman has had before them is predictive of the probability that she will cheat on them, and cite some very questionable research that purports to support this. The truth is more complicated.

    The more politically or socially conservative a man or woman is, the more likely they are to require that a prospective mate be a "virgin", as impractical as that is, because their religion or social group or politics often demand it. Regressive politics in particular wish a regression in social mores of about 100 years or more in the US, and part of that regression is a return to female chastity at the time of marriage.

    The presence of a hymen is usually deemed sufficient evidence of virginity, not taking into account oral and anal sex in which many women engage in lieu of vaginal sex before marriage.

    Moreover, even a woman who has had the fairly simple surgical procedure of hymen restoration can easily convince her new husband she has never had vaginal sex. This was once limited to Muslim cultures where women could be killed for lacking a hymen but has now spread to Western cultures, where women can be denied a lucrative marital future for lacking a hymen.

    When all else fails, most men demand that women undergo a medical examination with the doctor then "certifying" that she is a virgin. A discreet payment by the woman or her family usually takes care of this.

    Demanding virginity is an unverifiable and stupid attempt to control something that cannot be controlled, but it is also a good indicator that the person demanding it may have other odious characteristics (such as being overcontrolling) that make them a poor choice for marriage.
    LikeDisagree 4 People
    • I grew up hearing anal was the loop hole. Also things like, you can do anything but the actual vaginal intercourse and have it not be considered sex.

      Thanks for the comment.

    • msc545

      Young women whose religion forbids vaginal intercourse before marriage often very actively engage in anal and oral intercourse, and in my experience are quite promiscuous in this way prior to and sometimes during the marriage, with many different men. I think the fact that sex is deemed "forbidden fruit" by their parents and religious authorities actually functions to make them much more active sexually than they would have otherwise been.

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