When you and your SO have a disagreement or conflict, what's more important: deciding who is at fault or getting the problem resolved?

[OlderAndWiser]

Not many couples actually put on boxing gloves and spar or "duke it out," but most couples recognize the feeling in this picture. Sometimes, your partner says or does something that is SO stupid, SO crazy, SO wrong that you just CAN'T ignore it. (At least it seems to be stupid, crazy, or wrong to you.)(And at least it seems you can't ignore it.)

These are treasured memories!

Or maybe she suggests something that seems utterly selfish, like spending Christmas wth her parents this year . . . but you spent Christmas with her parents for the past three years and you can barely remember what your parents look like.

And, of course, if you ask, "Why did you do something that stupid?" or "How can you be that selfish?" the response you get will not be a friendly, logical reply, but the beginning of an argument. A nasty argument!

"I can't beleve you . . .!" You know how this goes.

Some people seem to love all that drama and if that's you, then telling us your response to such a situation will probably not be helpful. But if you have another approach, how do you respond to such conflict?

When I was much younger, I would insist that I was right and my girlfriend or wife needed to acknowledge that.

"NOW HEAR THIS . . .!"

Fortunately, experience has taught me some lessons and I am now older and wiser. When I see conflict developing now, I try to end the emotional banter as soon as possible, because it never has a constructive outcome. I will say to my fiancee, "We're not going to solve this with an argument, so let's take some time out and then come back and discuss the issue when we have calmed down." And I give her a hug. We may have some quiet time between us but it's not the hostile silent treatment.

Then I come back and ask her why the issue is important to her, and I listen without interrupting. Next, I tell her why it is important to me. If it is obviously more important to her, I say, "It looks like it's more important to you, so we'll do this your way, but the next time, if the issue is more important to me, will you agree to do it my way?" How can you not agree to that?

Great movie

And what I have done is set the precedent for respectful compromise. And there was not one word said about who is right, who is smarter, who is being selfish, etc., because deciding who is at fault NEVER solves problems in relationships.

How do you respond to conflicts in a relationship?

[SaoirseS]

Fix the problem, not the blame (something drilled into my grandmother, who apparently never got the point across to my dad). My husband and I occasionally disagree and have our individual quirks, but it's never boiled into a significant conflict. But don't put my dad and I together in a working environment; we play nice together, but we never worked nice together. Fixing blame is a routine occurrence with him, but doesn't bother me as much as hindsight second-guessing, especially when I'm resolving a problem or issue. That's the reason why he retired, I have the business lock, stock, and barrel, and he stays away. The town ain't big enough for the both of us.

[OlderAndWiser]

And so YOU found a way to resolve the conflict with your father!

[spartan55]

@SaoirseS
One of my oldest dearest friends is in a nearly identical situation. He has worked the family business for nearly 40 years. His parents founded and built the business and are semi retired now. But a couple times per year my friend has to check his Dad. I'll get a text: I guess Ray (his Dad) thinks he can just show up twice a year and throw his weight around.. Fuck that!
😂😂😂

[midnightmoon05]

I’m always “ right” wink 😉 wink 😉 😝😝😂😂

[OlderAndWiser]

"Yes, dear!"
lh3.googleusercontent.com/v0u-7CKK4VITOAShua2UpSpmqOjuT13sZpJVU-tzTvG7Ul6v8XinPuAlKaxDKw9wmVA-KN7K24OXqN9KO1Komw=s580

[AviatorTom]

Interesting question. My SO is more interested in blame while I'm more interested in resolving the issue. In my experience, in general, that's a pretty common difference between women and men. Women can't stand to ever be wrong, so they look to blame someone else, while men really don't care who's fault it was and want to resolve the issue and move on. Must be in the hormones.

[Pinay_ako]

I believe in solutions than finger pointing!

[spartan55]

Like solutions and then point fingers afterwards? 😂

[Pinay_ako]

@spartan55 🤣 ha ha. Nah solutions THAN finger pointing 😑

[spartan55]

Ohhhhhhhh... well your way sounds much better.

[Pinay_ako]

@spartan55 that’s what I said first

[spartan55]

I know... nevermind my joke didn't work

[Anonymous]

We are very much into Christian Domestic Discipline. Christian Domestic Discipline is a male led relationship where the Head of Household is in charge of the Taken in Hand partner. There are rules and consequences for the TIH and punishments for breaking rules range from spanking, corner time and lines. This differs from a BDSM relationship as the punishments are non sexual though sex often happens as a direct results of the punishment. Christian Domestic Discline teaches a disobedient willful wife to respect her husband, learn submission to her husband, respect herself, her family and live a happy Christian way. Respect and Submission are of particular importance in a marriage because the standard marriage vows for the bride always included the phrase “to love, honor and obey” her husband. Many women will admit, if only to themselves, that when spanked to tears they feel relief and love, knowing that their HOH is willing and strong enough to hold them accountable for their actions. When a woman admits this she is also admitting that she respects her HOH, and his decisions, that when she is punished it is never out of anger but out of love and the responsibility that her HOH is in charge. Some women will start to cry even before the spanking begins, because she realizes that she is to be punished and is sorry for her actions and the pain that is sure to follow. When a woman just starts to cry when spanked doesn’t mean to stop because you see tears, you would not stop baking a cake when it starts to rise, No this means that the spanking is starting to have the desired effect providing the disciplinary value and corrective behavior that she needs. All women are not the same, some women can take a lot while others will cry with hardly an effort. Remember that she is not in charge but the man is, and with him lies the amount of discipline that will be effected upon her bare backside, if the man allows his wife to stop the spanking he is not in charge and the respect she desires and needs will be lost, make sure to follow through giving her a painful enough spanking to bring her tears and allow them to flow freely, she will remember that you are the HOH. Tears allow her feminine side to come out and breaks down her resistance, shame from being in a vulnerable position, naked over her HOH’s lap, being soundly spanked. It is vital to continue the spanking when you notice her tears, and not to stop before the punishment has the desired effect. Remember that the spanking is part of her submission and when she submits to such an obviously painful and humbling experience she will behave better and you will see a that her attitude towards you as her HOH is greatly improved, not because she is fearful of the spanking but out of respect and the knowledge that you will protect her at all times even from herself and her actions.

What are some examples of domestic discipline rules? Well various couples have their own rules that generally centre around honor and obey as well as other Christian martial values.

Her Rules

1. Not to be late. not late for dates. not late to Work, not late to Church, not late to Dr appointments

2. Don’t cause our checking account to be overdrawn (one spank per dollar charged to us)

3. Spending limits (not more than 200.00 without discussing it with him. or 300 dollars in day (except at Christmas time)). Definitely no running up debts.

4. No cussing in front of children

5. No yelling at her husband.

6. No nagging, no bitching.

7. keeping promises to him or other people.

8. No lying. Including lies of omission (example not telling him she got a speeding ticket, to avoid a spanking)

9. If out with girl friends, be home by 10:00 or call him.

10. Don’t break traffic laws or any other law. (Including God’s laws (ten Commandments, plus))

11. Accepting her punishment without a fuss, cooperating with my spanking

12. No spanking of the children without a warning or breaking a standing rule for them. (Don’t spank while mad)

13. Never be intimate with other men including sex, flirting, sexting etc

14. Be respectful of all people, most of all her husband.

15. Go to Church every Sunday (Church and Sunday School)

16. Dress modest yet attractively everyday

17. Workout 3 times per week.

18 cook healthy meals

19. Do the housework

[TruthBringer]

A bit late to the party here but here it goes: I rarely get into fights with my significant other, but the times we did clash on conflicting idea or one said something the other disliked, we simply just communicated respectfully. I like to believe we've formed a strong enough bond not to let petty arguments get out of hand. Also, compromise is key. If I did something my girl disliked, I would try to refrain from doing it again. Same thing with her. Relationships are a give and take.

Also, I've noticed that temporary grumpiness can lead to people fighting. Whenever my girl gets grumpy by whatever external reason and she can't help but project it out on me, I tell my girl that I don't tolerate her projecting her grumpiness on me and I momentarily distance myself until she is calmed down. Much better than becoming reactive and lash back at her.

[Xoxocutekitty]

1. is this an empirical question? 90% of arguments are differences of opinion not of fact. If one of us needs to break out a measuring tape or an excel pivot table, the argument ends real fast.

2. who cares more? Assuming this isn't one of those 'final straw' arguements, typically, one person just concedes that the other person cares a lot more about this topic. Let them eat cake, and you can pick the frosting later.

3. Are we even arguing the same thing? "You don't love me, of you did, you would do x, y, z". Well maybe love to them means "a, b, c". Figure out if you're arguing about the same thing/definition and then cycle back to #1 and #2.

[StormChaser838]

Yes it is all about communication, sharing, empathy, and listening. A relationship is hard work. It is not about winning. I am a very giving type of person and the situation only arises on matters of principals. Women on the other hand just love the attention part of it and really don't often care about the outcome, specially on a here and now level. They know they can nag you into it later. But when things like these no longer happen because each partner has an inner feel for the other and knows the limits to work under, it is then that their relationship has entered the " understanding " level as opposed to the much lower, " knowing" level that lesser mortals wallow in.

[mandyfire98]

Fixing the problem is absolutely the most important but I'll say in the beginning, after the fight it's definitely about blame and just being angry. It could be hurt pride or even someone going to far and saying things that probably shouldn't have been said. In the heat of the moment after a fight you just are mad and feel you've been wronged.

[OlderAndWiser]

That's why it's good to stop and have some quiet team. Once you have said something that's hurtful, you can't "unsay" it. AND you should develop a habit of never saying something just for the purpose of hurting your partner.

[Sparkie460]

Saying hurtful things doesn't solve anything, it makes a small issue bigger.

[mandyfire98]

True but you know in the moment it's hard sometimes to think about don't say this or don't say that. Passion and anger is sometimes like being drunk, you say and do things you definitely shouldn't but it's hard to control. We all know what we should do but sometimes that goes out the window during a fight.

[Sparkie460]

I've learned to control my anger years ago through anger management training. I don't say things that I will regret later. I know you'll say it's easier said than done but if you try to mind your words you'll see that the issue is resolved quicker and nobody gets hurt

[mandyfire98]

I normally am very cool and calm and even bubbly but if I do ever get actually to the anger point I get really mad lol

[Sparkie460]

I kind of sensed that about you. I am the same way

[mandyfire98]

Long fuse but nuclear at the end

[Sparkie460]

That's me.

[Askincuzimnosey]

If you love someone, you wouldn't purposely hurt them, right?

Acknowledge the other person is struggling with an emotion you may have brought on/triggered.

Listen to understand what they are saying. Don't interrupt, but do make gestures to show you're listening.

Before you blurt out defense, take a deep breath and process from a place of love and understanding.

Let your partner know you have heard them.

Be a grown up, take responsibility if you did something, voice your respective objection if not.

Honestly, most of conversation is misunderstanding.

If your dealing with a narcissist... Game on, go for the jugular. Or not.

[OlderAndWiser]

If your dealing with a narcissist... Game on, . . . start working on your exit plan!

[Askincuzimnosey]

Yes, exactly. I don't know if you've ever been trapped in a relationship with one, but you have to play a game in order to exit the relationship as well as end the game at the jugular so they never contact you again. Not physical harm.

[OlderAndWiser]

Twice, because wasn't always older and wiser!

[Askincuzimnosey]

Glad you survived! You're a bad a**!!💪🏽

[sixsixsix]

Yeah I wouldn't even fuck with a cold hearted narcissist like that because they only lack love and empathy and them motherfuckers cam really hate a person and you just have to consider first of who they know and what kind of shady people are they around because it won't bother them a bit to have you hurt... even if y'all were together 20 years.
And I say all that same stuff because the female I wad with would get so defensive over the dumbest shit and she would say things to purposely hurt me and physically too a time or two, and so she would bring up old shit or something stupid and I'd say why are you trying to hurt me and she would say because I'm hurting her and that would be because I'd say why did you say I talked to much last night and this morning you told the same person this morning oh he never talks? And boom it was like setting off a bomb 💣

[OlderAndWiser]

Experience is a horribly efficient teacher!

[Askincuzimnosey]

Wood Saaaaa y'all. We are free and alive.

[ShadezMcgee]

To come to a resolve. I learned a long time ago that when it comes to disagreements or arguments that you don't argue with your woman. You take a minute and wait until she is calm and can speak in a loving and civil manner before you discuss the problem.

Even if she is wrong, I will not poke at that bit. I address the issue and her behavior about it and listen to her end and see where we can find some common ground or agree to disagree.

[DellBell]

to be honest I would deal with the conflict in the same mannerism that you would use, As in my opinion its the best method to apply.
Not to mention that this kind of technique helps to bond more with your partner while making them feel heard/respected by you.

[Anonymous]

Learning how to communicate without judgement is key. Saying "How could you do something so stupid" is only marginally better than "How could you BE so stupid?"

You have to communicate better than that.

Your partner does something stupid? How would you like to be spoken to if you were the one who fucked up?

"OK. It's done, we can't change the past, how do *we* fix this?"

[Raaj4you]

Instead of fighting or arguing, get to the bottom of the issue. Use your past life experience, knowledge and wisdom to resolve the problem. Don't repeat your own mistakes and the mistakes that other couples did which led to the divorce. Only mature people can create a long lasting relationship. Love, dating, marriage, family, babies are only for mature people.

[asphaltrhymes]

That green photo jumper is so my fashion style of green lol, but anyways I for one feel like in a relationship if I was in a relationship myself speaking for myself only, I for one just try to be a happy go lucky guy who avoids conflict. 👀☮️

[Phoenix98]

Getting the problem resolved is the most important thing as you said deciding who is at fault never solves the problem at hand.

[OlderAndWiser]

You are younger and wiser!

[Phoenix98]

Thank you.

[spartan55]

I can't stand any sort of personal attacks, yelling, or any of that type of conflict resolution. I would never enter a relationship with a woman who handled conflicts that way.

[itsalyssaagain]

Getting the problem solved.


One of my exes once said to me it’s not me and you against each other. It’s us against the problem. And it changed everything for me! Even when we were very mad and arguing with each other we were on good terms.

[OlderAndWiser]

If I have a disagreement with my fiancee before bedtime, when we get in bed, I snuggle behind her and tell her that my love is much bigger and stronger than our disagreement.

[itsalyssaagain]

Aw that’s so sweet

[OlderAndWiser]

It helps to put the disagreement in perspective.

[itsalyssaagain]

Yeah that’s sweet

[Potteplante]

Disagreements don't always have to be resolved - just because you partner up with someone doesn't mean you'll always agree with each other.

Conflict should always be resolved and never through insults or blame, if anger gets out of hand - stepping away is always the best option. I'd usually go for a walk - he would hit the gym and then we'd sit down to resolve the conflict and/or figure out how to prevent a similar future conflict.

[Justmeagain1]

Accepting responsibility and comprehension of your part to play in the problem is a big one. Coming to a solution comes after this.

[sage2021]

Settling the disagreement. Usually it's not a matter of being right or wrong. It's more like when he stops yelling at me, then it just stops.

[Likes2drive]

I was looking for a solution but she was just looking for blame, I always had to give in so she would stop but it never made me feel better. It would have been much better your way of handling it