Relationships

The unspoken - sometimes unrecognized - cost of cheating.

If you have never been the victim of a cheating partner, you'll probably understand this MyTake on an intellectual level, but if you have every discovered that your partner has cheated, this will most likely resonate with you on an emotional level. I have been a victim of cheating twice, so what I am writing is something I understand too well. Far too well.

The unspoken - sometimes unrecognized - cost of cheating.

The first time it happened, I was 25 years old. I was living with a girlfriend - Evelyn - who, in retrospect, should have never been more than a casual relationship. But I was naive and unrealistic and I was hoping that she might be The One. (At that time, I was YoungerAndStupider.) We were living together and we had promised each other that we were in an exclusive relationship. My previous roommate was frequently at our apartment and, one unforgettable afternoon, my girlfriend and he said they needed to talk to me.

The unspoken - sometimes unrecognized - cost of cheating.

You can easily guess what they confessed to me. I didn't make the girlfriend move out immediately; I decided that what she had done would justify me just usimg her for sex, and that's what I did for several weeks. But, of course, we went our separate ways.

The second time happened many years later, when I was 51. My wife Pat said she wanted to return to the town where she previously lived (in upstate NY,) to visit her friends who she had not seen for the previous two years. She had a fear of flying and wanted to travel by train. Then she announced that she wanted to get a sleeping compartment on the train. Finally, she told me that one of her female friends was also travelling up north and they were going to ride the train together as far as NYC, then her friend would continue on to Boston while my wife continued on to the Oneida area.

The unspoken - sometimes unrecognized - cost of cheating.

When she returned home, our relationship immediately became antagonistic and she filed for divorce. As soon as the divorce became common knowledge, a mutual friend came forward and told me she had heard my wife confess to having a lesbian relationship on the train with the travelling companion.

I've spent years reflecting on those two episodes, trying to learn as much as possible about what role I played in being cheated on. I've never blamed myself for either of my partners cheating, but that doesn't mean that my behavior didn't in some way contribute to it happening. At the very least, both of the women had red flags that I ignored and, if I had been more careful, I would not have been in relationships with them.

After becoming aware of the cheating, I experienced anger at the betrayal, disbelief that my partner had wanted to cheat, depression, and self-doubt. You are probably already aware of those feelings arising after a betrayal.

However, a few years later, I realized that there was another consequence of the betrayal. I was doubting my ability to judge the character of the women I was dating. I had never suspected that Evelyn would cheat on me; I judged that she was the kind of woman who would value faithfulness and loyalty. I had not been quite as confident about Pat, because she had been a "wild child." I had known her for many years before we started dating and I really thought she had already sown all of her wild oats, that she was now the kind of woman who would take a commitment seriously.

I know that living your life always involves an element of risk and uncertainty, but having some experience and developing an ability to judge the character of others is an ability that decreases the risk.

The unspoken - sometimes unrecognized - cost of cheating.

Until the second experience with cheating, I thought that my judgment was extremely good. Now, I don't have such blind faith in my ability to perceive others. It has been a bit more difficult to get to the point in a relationship where I trust someone without question and I wonder whether my partners have sensed a decreased level of trust coming from me.

Have you experienced a loss of confidence in your ability to assess a potential partner's character after you were the victim of a cheater?

The unspoken - sometimes unrecognized - cost of cheating.
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