Unreliable Boyfriend, Letting me down a lot.?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is getting on my nerves. See, I am working on my MA so spend 12 hours in the library daily to study for my exams. My boyfriend has always been unreliable and whilst it always annoyed me, I just can't take it anymore now that I'm already stressed. It's like he makes everything more stressful for me.

Take tonight, for example. It's Friday, by Fridays I'm generally totally exhausted considering that I've been getting up at 5 am for five days in a row. I've told him today not to be later than 10 pm as I am half dead. He said he wouldn't be. I asked him twice if not thrice, just to make sure he really got the message (knowing what he0s like).

Well, 10 pm has passed, 11 pm has passed, and he is nowhere. I haven't heard from him since 7.30 pm, so no message saying that he's going to be later.

He always finds some excuse why he was late, couldn't be on time, etc. But yet he always promises me that he will not do it again.

I'm at my wits end. I want a supportive partner. It's such a stressful phase in my life and I feel like he's not giving a s*** about my situation.

I know the obvious thing would be to dump him, but yeah, anyone have any words for me?

[lumos]

If he's not listening to you, if he's not changing his ways, and if he keeps making up excuses, then yes, you should break up with him. His words mean nothing when his actions don't match up to what he says. If he doesn't change, he doesn't care. This isn't even something that's really difficult to change. Seems like he'd rather do something else and make up excuses than hang out with you. Not good boyfriend-material.

[Asker]

I agree that it's not difficult to change. It's like those people who claim they didn't have time to send a text. If you care about something enough, you will take the time.

[lumos]

Agreed.

[Loyaly_Ignored]

I would say you should let him go. If the relationship means that much to him and he wants to see you, he will make it on time to see you. If he can't once or twice, then ok, but it sounds like he is not all that invested in the relationship.

[Asker]

He keeps telling me that he really cares, but I've told him numerous times that what he says doesn't matter much, it's what he does. I don't see much respect in his behaviour at all. He makes me feel horrible too often. It's always the same: he promises, then he disappears, ignores me for several hours even though he knows I'm expecting him, then makes up an excuse, usually one that puts the blame on other people.

[Mesonfielde]

He obviously doesn't care that much if he says 2.5 hours "isn't even that late". That's stupidly late.

[TheStaff_Sergeant]

Importance and priority oftentimes manifests in ones efforts. He's clearly inconsiderate of your needs, which speaks loud and clear.

[Asker]

Agreed. He's just all talk. He ended up being 2.5 hours late. He said "I'm not even that late" and that he doesn't want me to be hurt and that he cares about me. His words are empty to me now, they've lost their meaning after maybe the first three times he let me down. I told him if he doesn't want me to be hurt, not hurting me would be a start.

[TheStaff_Sergeant]

That's a start. But the next you have an arrangement with him, if there is a next time, make a contingency plan, then tell him if he is late, don't bother coming at all! Otherwise, he will continue to misunderstand the severity of the situation. That, or move on.

[truthbeknown]

Yep, sounds like a flake. Either break up, or take a break and focus on your studies.

[Asker]

Should I just ignore him for a while, without saying anything (I mean he'd know why), or should I send him a message and then ignore him?

[truthbeknown]

That depends on much you want this to work or not. If you are pretty much done with this guy, then just ignore him. Don't make more work for yourself. If you really want him, but want to teach him a lesson, then let him have it, and then ignore him!

[Asker]

Truth be told, I don't think he would learn, no matter how many lessons one would teach him. He just doesn't get it. He told me several times that he doesn't find it so bad that he's late and doesn't understand why I get so upset. I do love him, but I can see that he won't change at all and I'm actually worried that he will upset me during my exams (and I'm sure he will) which could be fatal for me.

[truthbeknown]

Yes, I agree with you. There comes a point in time where enough is enough!!! School is a very important time. This is time for you now. You do not need this crap. He just seems too care-free to take what you are doing seriously. Sounds like you are also coming in second place with him too. He has other activities he feels are more important. I've let go a few friends and even relatives over the years because it just took too much time and effort to maintain the relationship with them with not getting much back in return. I was always the one making arrangements, or calling, or setting times. They just flaked their way along with no real work put forth towards the relationship. I got let down, or not called back, or stood up too many times, and then thats it, your done!!! Sometimes you just have to let go cold turkey!

[Asker]

Unreliable people who take you for granted are low. They just know/think that you'll always be there and they can do whatever they want. It's bad when friends do it, but if it's your partner it's even worse. If the places were reversed and he was the one doing an MA, I'd be there for him and make his life as stress-free as possible. I just don't think this is love, or not the love/relationship I want. I am tired of being let down, I am tired of waiting, I am tired of feeling like I don't even matter to him. I have sent him a message saying that I think our relationship has run its course. He did this same exact thing about a week ago. He does this same exact thing every 1-2 weeks, and it's just enough. I've tolerated it for a whole year, but am not going to put up with this behaviour for the rest of my life. Not from him and not from anyone else. You are right, these people are just not worth having in your life.

[Asker]

Having said all that, I hope it won't be too hard. I'm sure he'll try to get on my good side - when he returns eventually. It is after midnight now and he said he'd be back before 10! I just have a hard time ignoring people...and I do care about him but if he doesn't respect me, I have to respect myself and stop letting him do that to me. I will go to bed soon so hopefully by the time he returns I'll be asleep and will find the strength tomorrow to go through with my decision.

[truthbeknown]

Good luck!