My girlfriend keeps lying and hiding things from me.?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have 6 months going to 7 and we have history in our relationship, she is a sweet girl who catches a lot of attention because of her great personality, especially guys and guys confusing her sweetness for flirting and we all know where that leads. So in the past time when we were talking and getting to know each other we were kind of deep In the relationship already. To the point where we were friends and gave kisses to each other on the lips. So at this time she had this guy who gives her his undivided attention, he likes every photo of her in instagram, he gives her flowers, chocolates, takes her out to eat (1 on 1) and I told her if she is interested in me then this guy is bad news for us. She didn't understand so she kept on hanging around this guy. Which I kept warning her about it, but she didn't do anything about it. It bugged me so last time I told her we got into an argument of it which lead us to separate and not date anymore.
So a few months later she admitted her mistakes came back to me with restrictions because she told me this guy ended up confessing to her (she rejected him of course, and this guy still kinda communicates with her till this point but she set restrictions). So that's one problem she lied to me about she told me she stopped talking to this guy and I caught her once talking to him still.
Another problem is that we set boundaries in our relationship where she didn't want me to smoke, and so it wasn't fair in my part to give up something without her giving up something herself, so I told her to give up her clubbing (partying) because it isn't healthy in our relationship. So at some point she lied behind my back and went out clubbing. I was upset...
So point being, today I caught her lying to me again and her posting pictures of her clubbing after she told me she was going to a friends bday dinner. I'm kinda upset because she keeps doing this in our relationship
What can I do to fix this? I'm scarred from her lies

Updates

+1 y

Thank you all for your response, I guess I'm coming to conclude that I might move on, but I guess being in a lot of pain is just tough. I loved that girl, but i guess we weren't meant for each other.

[ImSoSozzled]

Well as long as you're not worried about her having cheated on you, I think it's something you can get past without too much trouble. A relationship without trust definitely won't last very long though, so you need to talk to her about it.

"it wasn't fair in my part to give up something without her giving up something herself, so I told her to give up her clubbing (partying) because it isn't healthy in our relationship"

I don't think that was the best idea. The only reason it wouldn't be healthy for your relationship is because of your insecurity. Can't you just stop smoking to make her happy and yourself healthier? If you expect something in return every time you do something for her, that's not a healthy mindset.

And about the guy, it's hard to really tell what the deal is there from only reading it from your point of view, but my guess is since she is so sweet, she has a hard time saying no and cutting people off from her life, so when this guy keeps coming back to her, she doesn't have the heart to tell him to leave her alone. Regardless, she came back to you after rejecting him, so you shouldn't feel threatened by this guy at all.

Overall, I think you need to chill out a bit. Your post comes off as a bit controlling, and nobody wants to be that person that says "I can't because my boy/girlfriend won't let me." So ease up some. Let her go clubbing every now and then and don't worry about her talking to some random guy. She is your girlfriend and if she ended up choosing him over you, y'all wouldn't have lasted long anyways. You should never have to worry about her leaving you for another guy unless you're driving her away.

[Asker]

Perhaps you are right in me being insecure, I mean the past of her lying and putting herself in that position in not keeping her word made me insecure. Yea, at times I tell myself, she is my girlfriend and there is no need to worry because she is mine. At times I just feel like if she lied and hid things from me perhaps maybe I can't believe her in staying with me and spending the rest of her life with me for that purpose. The small things that actually you commit is what really has a greater impact on the bigger picture. A woman can commit the smallest mistake, and it may not define her personality as a whole, but it does direct you to the thought of her being that way. But from your answers I set my mind that way that she's mine, and she should go have her own time, but why hide it and not just be truthful with me. I can be understanding as well just the fact of her hiding things hurts.

[ImSoSozzled]

"she should go have her own time, but why hide it and not just be truthful with me. I can be understanding as well just the fact of her hiding things hurts."

That's exactly what you should say to her :)

I was reading a book about relationships and it said that negative things that happen can have 5 times the impact of positive things that happen, so you having such a big issue with this is understandable. But as long as you are able to honestly look at yourself, her, and the situation (which it seems like you are so props), figure out the problem, and then work on it with her, your relationship shouldn't be ruined by these things.

[Asker]

Yea I mean, yea I sometimes bring the situation as that I don't want her to club, but she doesn't see that what I really want is the lies and the hiding to stop, but she denies it that she isn't hiding or lying.

and it's true I honestly try to keep open minded about things and try to think things in her situation at times, but sometimes I gotta be selfish myself and want what's best for both and myself.It seems like it's getting ruined because we aren't even taking steps :/

[Surfinforlife]

Man you know what she's about? She's about that bullshit. She's playing games. She's playing you like a puppet and you need to kick this girl to the curb before you end up with your heart broke man. She's getting the best of both. She's got you, the caring boyfriend who's committed to her and worried, and she's got this other guy. Man, she's boy crazy right now. Her ego is getting stroked from all this attention.

She sounds like a typical girl, playing games and doesn't know what the hell she wants so she'll take advantage of anything that boosts her ego. You're just an option to her. She doesn't respect you man. She wants to do what she wants, when she wants. If she really cared about you and wanted a commitment, she'd respect your wishes and be trying to make you happy in any way. She's a bullshitter, don't play around with this girl. She's poisonous and selfish. Be a man and stand up for your dignity. Kick her ass to the curb and move on

[Asker]

Straight forward and painful, but it's ok I rather get rammed with the truth than to be comfort with a lie. thanks for your comment.

[Chronos91]

It's like what the rest of them said. Don't take it anymore. Sit her down, tell her about how it's affecting you and how it will affect your relationship. Make it clear that this is not ok, and give her an ultimatum. If she breaks her promise again, walk out. It will hurt like fuck, yes, but you need to do this for yourself.

Good luck, dude. For your sake, I hope it doesn't come down to that.

[Asker]

The thing is I can't talk to her about it because I personally had to find out myself, sometimes with her getting caught by it, or by snooping around. Yea I know it may sound creepy, but I just had to clarify about her word.

[Chronos91]

Well, since she HAS broken your trust repeatedly, it's not hard to see why you'd resort to such methods. But have you actually tried talking to her before? Try collecting proof (details of date, time etc.) if she tries skirting around or denying your statements. Make it so she HAS to face the truth.

[Asker]

It seems when I have tried to approach the issue with her, every time we come to see each other, or perhaps hear each others voice things seem to be ok, like it's a whole different perspective. When it comes to social media such as facebook, instagram, and snapchat it's when the relationship becomes unhealthy with trust issues, lies etc. I'm honestly depressed and in depression I told her I wasn't feeling good although she did say she wants to talk about it, but my depression brought the issue out of anger and kind of raised my voice while crying moments, and told her it wasn't ok and it's not right... She just stood quiet and told me she will come by my house to pick up her stuff. Half of me feels disappointed but the other half wants to fix things.

[Asker]

In addition, she keeps denying that what she is doing isn't wrong and I keep telling her it's wrong but in her eyes things are right.

[Chronos91]

So, what you're saying is, you've already tried communicating with her repeatedly, you've even made the depth of your distress very clear, but she doesn't respond constructively?

Ok, now comes the advice I hate giving the most: you might have to break up with her. Or give her an ultimatum, if you haven't yet. Meanwhile, seek advice from a few friends you trust, but if you're concerned that you might act out if they say anything ugly, find a relationship counselor. It's best to get a second opinion from either someone professional, or someone who's actually witnessing your situation.

Just, do something different. Don't keep trying to negotiate, hoping things will turn out fine. Because it's obviously messing you up inside, and your efforts are going nowhere. If this continues, your relationship will just keep going on a downward spiral. It's time for a different approach.

[Asker]

ok I will go more in depth with you since you are the only one responding:
since we supposedly "Live far" from each other we don't really get to see each other as much. Since she lives under her parents roof she has "Houserules she should attend to." Since she doesn't want to introduce me to her family because specifically her father is strict and her brothers are jealous, I can't go visit her. Only times I get to see her is because of school. YEA I KNOW, it's not healthy at all, but I try to be understanding in putting myself in her shoes. Only the girls in the family know about me. So over all, we mostly text, and she doesn't like speaking on the phone. She practically set restrictions to our relationship so she won't get caught by her brothers that she is dating me. She told me if she ever gets caught her brothers will spout out the truth and her father will most likely kick her out of the house.

[Asker]

So what I am trying to say is that, most of our conversations rely on text messages, I try opening up through text, but she doesn't like that she prefers talking in person. So she holds off the anger and the talk till we see each other. The thing is when we see each other we don't talk about the situation because seeing each other just fixes everything. She does bring it up and we kind of talk about it but it's like being lovey dovey with anger.

Yes, I have went in depth through text and I've made it very clear to her, but she doesn't respond she just avoids it because in the past talking through text just leads to arguments so that's a reason she avoids talking through text.

[Asker]

I have gave her an ultimatum at the beginning of the relationship, and after the second chance I gave her because she broke up with me before.
I have seek help from friends and they told me to try to fix things and told me different approaches, they told me to tell her that I want the lies to stop, and if she keeps lying about it to bring the truth at her so she could be caught red handed. They also considered me to break up with her.

[Chronos91]

Okay, now I'm a little confused. Why would her dad kick her out of the house for DATING? Assuming you're both heterosexual and whatnot, homophobia shouldn't be the issue. Is he ultra-conservative or something?

Dear, that's not how an ultimatum works. If you've already given her one and broken your promise to act on it, she'll sense that she doesn't have to change. That she'll always have you, no matter what she does, and so she doesn't really have to appreciate you. Now THAT's unhealthy.

So you've been through all this before. Your friends have already given you all the right advice. If you've already acted on them, and none of it works, there's only one thing left to do: leave her. Don't think about how good you two are together sometimes, if the happiness is not enough to cover the pain you have to leave her. Don't wait, don't rationalise anymore. Stop doing this to yourself. Even if it hurts, at least you'll have a chance at something better than this.

[Asker]

I don't know, she makes it sound like that because she is keeping me a secret, and I honestly want to show the world of what a great gf I had. But she just doesn't let me post pictures of us together because she feels like someone she might know will find out and ask her siblings, and her siblings will most likely question her and pressure her etc. About her dad, I'm guessing she tells me that he is very strict and told her something like "I honestly don't want to meet any boyfriend not until he is a guy who will take your hand (marriage)"

I guess you are right, it's just because she is my first true love that I was able to grasp. I've been rejected and dumped countless of times, and been single for 12 years through out my K-12 years. I've been used, and hurt from plenty of girls. I honestly just wanted to love and be love in return, I guess it's just the fact that I believe in our relationship

[Asker]

makes me ignore the ultimatum...

I guess you are right, I mean it does hurt and it's hard on my part because I tried to be faithful and fight for our relationship. I'm also carrying some stuff of hers that I need to give back to her, but it's just going to be harder on my part.

[Asker]

P.S. by dumped I mean like girls will lead me on to thinking we are together, but end up leaving me for another guy.

[Chronos91]

Huh, he DOES sound draconian. What sort of guy believes it's a one-track road from first date to marriage nowadays? But you sure she's not lying about that too? Since her sisters/ mom knows, have you met any of them before?

Oh, dude. Ok, I seriously feel for you. I really do. Was dateless all of secondary school myself too. But you know what? I think the biggest problem here is that you need to place more value in yourself. Don't let people step on you; don't take their BS. Sharks like the manipulators you've mentioned can smell that on you. Get support from people who truly care about you. Doesn't have to be a girlfriend; friends and family members'll do. Build yourself a network like that. Then turn around and say, "No. I refuse to be mistreated anymore. You can't hold me hostage with my feelings. I deserve better than this."

Your gf might love you, but if she doesn't care about your feelings, she doesn't love you ENOUGH. Find other people who do.

[Asker]

I can't say what's true or not true anymore, well, her mother and sister do know about me but I told her I want to meet them later because since it's my first time being introduced as a boyfriend I was honestly really nervous and shy. So she didn't really introduce them to me, but it came to a point where she told me her mother was going to go to school with her, I stood up and said "I'll meet her! if it means seeing you IDC anymore" and so I showed up and she told me her mom decided to stay home. I told her I was ready to meet them, and even her brothers but she said she will find a day. I also told her to introduce me by her mentioning first before anything because we have 6 months together.

Yea, I guess :/ I was there already in loving myself, but she made me believe she changed and so I put myself in a position that I have to love another person and not myself. So loving myself went out the window right after the second chance I gave her. But I guess...

[Asker]

Some people just love to lead people on :/ I guess it's time I should just set my time to myself now.

I hope I find someone like that, i'm just running out of hope in love now.

[Asker]

P.S. - I don't really have much friends I had a few friends, but they ended up choosing a new crowd so i ended up with no friends. I also do have a set of friends girls mostly because they know about my situation, but they are busy with their own lives with their boyfriends etc.

[Chronos91]

...Your girlfriend sounds REALLY suspicious to me right now.

I don't think I need to tell you this, but it's not healthy to rely emotionally on a single person all the time. Are your female friends really too busy for you, or are you just assuming that? Have you called them to talk? Because if they really care about you, they will MAKE time for you. Hell, I'm pretty fucked up myself, but I'd still take a call from a friend. That's what friends do.

And yes, you should set time for yourself. And meet more people who validate you. Join a church group, if you're religious. See a counselor to help you with your self-esteem issues. Learn a new skill, resume an old hobby, volunteer for charity. Helping others will boost your confidence. And above all, give yourself some time away from her right now.

[Chronos91]

Ok...this is sudden. Thanks for the MH.

And really, good luck, bro. Remember, even if they bend you, they can't break you. Even if they break you, they can't destroy you. It's never, ever too late to patch yourself up. Never.

[Asker]

sorry for the short response, but it's just because I'm having mild depression from the break-up. Thank you so much for your comfort and words, and most importantly your advice. It's not the best having "friends" who say they are there for you when in reality they don't even manage to ask you how you are doing. So who ever you are, thank you for having a blessed heart.

[Chronos91]

You're welcome. It's alright; I get that you're not in the best condition right now. Really sorry to hear that your ex (?)-friends weren't more supportive though. Perhaps you should consider this a massive overhaul of sorts. You know, clear out all the toxic relationships in your life. Just give yourself time to heal, and seek support. Best of luck.

[zombiebabe]

dude if that girl lied to you once she will keep on doing it...she lied about the other guy, lied about clubbing..so what other reason do you need to understand that she keeps on lying to you...seems like she doesn't really give a shit about the relationship anymore..dump her and move on

[Asker]

It's something I don't want to think about right now I still have faith in her.

[zombiebabe]

faith? what faith? in a liar?

[Asker]

perhaps? I love this girl just too much and have faith in her changing I guess :/

[zombiebabe]

love is so blind i guess

[Asker]

Is not about being blind it's just the matter of both partners changing and fighting for each other. We are still fighting for each other it's just the matter of changing certain aspects thats mostly negative to positives.

[its_the_shrink]

She's not very bright now, is she? :-/
No, it's not alright. Take care of yourself.

[Asker]

Not really, I have talked to her about it plenty of times, yet it doesn't come to her mind.

[Anonymous]

She's not ready for a relationship. You need to take a break and give her time to think of what she really wants. Seems she doesn't understand how trust in a relationship and lying are connected.

This is what's gonna' happen. She's gonna' keep doing this until she finds someone to replace you and have that relationship setup and ready. So when she breaks up with you, shell already have a guy she meet waiting.

I don't think she's a bad person. She maybe is better off being single but hates being lonely. Who knows, get out before you get hurt badly.

[Insaan]

You will be never happy with her...i know girks like this...it's your choice...
Girls are like water and Boys are like mobile.
Mobile falls on water or water falls on mobile, loss is of mobile.

[Asker]

Nice metaphor. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Since you've kinda been letting her get away wt the lies she will continue and lies will get bigger

[Asker]

Honestly they have been getting bigger. I honestly don't know whats true or not true anymore. I feel like she lied about her personality as well. I feel like she is there for her own benefits and is using my love for it. It's just my thought in it. I don't really want to think that way either.