Boyfriend isolating himself, what's the best thing to do?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend has depression. And he's been having a really hard time with that recently. And various things have been happening in his life which are making everything worse for him; a couple of his relatives are seriously ill, he's struggling to keep his grades at a passing level in college, and his friendship group have fallen out. We're long distance so the best I can really do for him is send him messages and photos. I message him and let him know I'm there for him every day, and I try and send him pictures and stories from my day to make him smile. He has really opened up to me in the past, but recently he hasn't been replying to my messages, and last time I talked to him (the day before yesterday) he told me I should just stop bothering with him. Which obviously I'm not going to do because I love him. But I worry I'm just pressuring him by sending him lots of messages all the time, although I really want him to talk to me and let me know how he's doing. And I need him to know I care and want to help and I'm not going to leave him. It really worries me when he does vanishing acts like this. What should I do or say? I'd just like to hear some opinions.. I want to make him feel better, and stop saying he's not good enough for me because he is wonderful and I adore him

[beesod]

Can you visit him in person?

I've had depression and my advice would be to stop making everything about him. Of course you want to help him, but he doesn't have to know that.

Pretend instead you feel bad, or you need help. This will help him think less about himself and more about you, hopefully giving you the chance to get closer and discuss things. There's one thing most depressed people have in common. They couldn't care less about themselves but they do care about others. Seeing you as being prone to feeling bad or being a little depressed yourself should really help him. Good luck and a pat on the back for being such a great person. He's a lucky guy even if he doesn't see that at the moment.

[Asker]

I can't unfortunately, that's what I would do if I could because I feel like as I can't practically be of help with all these things what would help the most would be if I could be there to hug him, do little things like making food for him etc. But I can't because he's too far away :(

He has a few friends who are going through some stuff and he's struggling to support them.. You're definitely right about him not caring about himself but wanting to help other people; he's incredibly kind and supportive to his friends and he gets really upset if he can't help them.. I don't want to create more stress for him. Something I thought I might do is ask for his help with this creative writing module I'm doing in college because he's a fantastic writer, but I don't want to make work for him because he's already pretty overwhelmed, y'know?

He told me the other day I'm the only good news he gets, so I kind of want to show him good things; but do you think that will just highlight

[Asker]

the fact he feels terrible? Because I really don't want that

[beesod]

I think that it's important you remain positive, but that doesn't mean you can't show any weaknesses you feel or have. You can tell him about a time when you really felt bad and that you can relate to how he is feeling. See how he reacts when he realises he's not alone with feeling bad and his girlfriend does sometimes too!

One thing that saw you mention was that he gets upset when he can't help his friends, that seems like he is the kind of person who wants to make an impact and help... So yeah, ask him for help any way you can, if he is busy there is no pressure, but there's no harm in asking.

[Asker]

That's sort of what I did, I've been pretty overwhelmed with college work too recently and I'm having to resit because I missed a couple of assignment deadlines; I was really freaked out when I couldn't finish on time and felt like I couldn't do the work etc., it was bad so I can relate to how he's feeling especially about the Uni work. His response to me telling him this though was that I should focus on my course and not him :(

I might do that then, asking for help; that's helpful advice, thank-you :')

[beesod]

Yeah his response was like that because he obviously cares about you more than him. I think you need to try and dig a little deeper if you can. Instead of talking about specific scenarios, talk about how you feel. Share the bad times not just the good. There's also things you can maybe do with him at distance to cheer him up. Watch a movie together online at the same time, play his favourite game with him online, cook and eat dinner at the same time. Send him a snail mail letter with a lipstick kiss and your fragrance.. A locket of hair or something he can look at to remind him of you when he is alone. May help him feel a little closer until you can see him in person.

[Asker]

Those are all really good suggestions, thank-you :')

Especially what you said about talking about how I feel, this is something he's actually been very good at when he does talk to me, I think it could be good if I try and show him how I feel a little better. I don't like to be always asking me to update me on how he's doing when when he does tell me he's really honest and open with me which I think is brave of him, emotionally. I'd like to make him feel less alone by doing the same

[beesod]

No worries. Glad to help. Yes. He will be very aware on the impact his depression has on you, so any chance he gets to understand you better and to help you feel better about anything he will jump at. I hope you guys can pull through this. You both seem like great people so I wish you the best!

[Asker]

Thank-you! I really hope so too :') . Yours is probably the best advice anyone has given me on this, especially as it's from experience, so really thank-you so much <3

[matheus_mb]

I think you should tell him these encouraging words you said here. Tell him that you're not gonna abandon him and and tell him everything you feel and that you really want to help him to get out of this situation.

[Asker]

I've sent him quite a few messages with words to this effect.. You think that is good? Not too much pressure to put on him to talk to me? Because I really want him to because I worry about him a lot, but I also don't want to make him feel guilty if he needs to be alone and not talk to anyone.. And what he says to me more and more recently is that I should give up on him, which I'm obviously not going to..

[matheus_mb]

Yes, I think it's good to send him messages to support him, but moderation is always good. It's hard to deal with those situations, principally when the relationship is long distance. We do feel a bit lost because we never know what the other person is thinking and we can't see the reactions. Can't you visit him?

[Asker]

I would love to but it's not really possible at the moment :( . Thank-you for the empathy <3

[matheus_mb]

So, all you can do is keep sending him messages and say that you miss him if he doesn't talk, unfortunately we can just hope for the best. And you're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Hug him really tight and give him all of your kissies :* :) <3

[Asker]

I want to a lot, it would be wonderful if I could; but he's too far away :'(

[Opinion Owner]

Ohhh :(