Boyfriend hangs out with friends too much, IMO

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. Just fyi, I'm 26 and he's 24. He's only dated one other person in his life besides me, so he's super close to his friends. I've been in serious relationships with 5 or 6 men.

Over the summer he would cancel plans with me or cut plans short to go out with his friends as soon as they called, but he's gotten better at that. He'll go weeks at a time without seeing any one of his 5 closest friends... and then all of a sudden one will call one day, the next day another one or two will call, so on and so forth. Recently, he's seen them like, 3 or 4 times in the past 1 1/2 - 2 weeks, and IMO, that's too much.

Now, I know I sound like a crazy b!tch but the only guys I've ever dated who have spent a lot of time (which, to me, is 2+ times a week) with friends have been closest drug addict / homosexuals, drug addicts or alcoholics... one or two of which have cheated on me. Also, my Dad spent A LOT of time with his friends when I was growing up, and was almost never home for business trips, being at friends' houses.. etc... My Dad ended up leaving my Mom for a woman he met at work. Maybe I'm scared that will happen.

Point is, I don't get upset all the time when my boyfriend wants to see friends; I get upset when it's spontaneous or when he leaves my house because he's "tired" but ends up going out with friends. Also, he'll say he's only staying out until such and such hour, but will end up out all not (but not drunk at the end of it). I don't know if I'm in the wrong for being upset at how much he goes out, or if he's in the wrong for going out (to BARS nonetheless!) all the time. Let me also add, he met his previous "girlfriend" at a bar when she approached him (she was also twice his age) ... and he met me at a bar when I approached him (and he was still "with" her but not "committed" like he is to me)...

I'm at my wits end with this... and I don't know who is in the wrong. Help!

[AtomizerJr]

Blowing off plans with you at the last minute is not cool. You've got every right to be angry about that, because it demonstrates disrespect and inconsiderate behavior.

You might hate me for the rest of this answer, but I figure it's better to be blunt about it even if you disagree.

You sound rather controlling. For a 24 year old guy to see his buddies every second or third day is perfectly normal. You simply don't have the right to dictate how often this guy sees his friends. The fact that you think he spends too much time with his friends is 100% irrelevant, because he has the right to make his own decision. I hope for your sake that you haven't said that he spends too much time with his friends. Because if you *have* said that, you've cast

The reason he leaves the house and says he's "tired" before he sees his buddies is because a) he'd rather be with his friends than with you; and b) he's worried that you'll chew him out if he's honest.

Guys who feel loved and respected by their girlfriend, and who value her, don't leave her at 8.00 p.m. to hang out at the bar with their buddies. So I think the core problem is probably one of two things:

1. He's just not that into you (I read the book recently, and think it's quite accurate).

2. He's into you, but he dislikes feeling controlled.

If you're on speaking terms with your dad, I suggest you directly ask him a question: "Did you meet someone at the office because you'd rather work overtime than go home and get nagged by mom?"

Think back on your parents marriage. Are you copying the way your mom treated your dad? Trying to control him, and deliver indirect insults by comparing his behavior to homosexuals and addicts? I don't mean to give your dad a pass for cheating. But neither do I mean to give a pass to women who make their husbands feel like crap and try to lock a leash on their husband's necks. In situations like that, it's no surprise that men cheat, and I think the women are partly responsible for creating an ugly atmosphere in the home. If you're scared that a boyfriend will cheat, trying to control his behavior is not the way to make a man adore you.

So there it is. Hate me if you will, but at 26 years old, I think you're mature enough for me to ask some tough questions.

[Asker]

No, I completely agree... I wish I could change this behaviour but I feel like if I lose control then he'll leave (and I know it's quite the contrary). I know it's not right to control him and dictate his life (and yeah I hate not being able to do so but... *sigh*) I just don't know how to not be upset. I'm scared he's out meeting other women. It's a trust thing. I'll get over it I guess-- I was kinda hoping I had a right :(