My wife says she doesn't love me anymore and she only married me because I took her virginity. Is our marriage over?

[JPSAM]

Hello, i am 30 and my wife is 24 now and we have been married for 2 years and we have a 9 months old son. We live in a country where sex before marriage is totally not accepted. we met 4.5 years ago and started dating. Like any other couples we flirted, we kissed and even some physical action. several months later while hiking in the woods we got physical and i accidentally made her lose her virginity with my finger. We never planned this to happen. I was totally scared and didn’t know what to do. She was like “it’s OK don’t worry don’t let this affect our relation even if things don’t work out don’t let it affect your decision if you are not happy with me” she said this every time i tried to talk to her about what happened and what she wants me to do. after that everything was great and we got engaged for a year before marriage. Since we got married we had ups and downs like any other married couple and she always says that i don’t talk much when i come home from work and don’t take care of her so much. And yes i am not a talkative person and over simplify things and maybe take her for granted. two weeks ago she came to me crying and told me that she was not happy anymore and she doesn’t love me anymore, because she tried to fix things so many times and every time she talks to me i get better and things get great for 2 months and then i get back to the way i was before. she said she pretended to be so strong all the time even when she lost her virginity and she said she only married me for that reason because she was young and afraid if her parents found out and didn't know what else to do. And she never told me that before because she didn't want to hurt me but she couldn't anymore. And another friend that had a crush on her before we even met kept on contacting her and gave her attention and listened to her more than I did and I was supposed to do that because I am her husband and not him.

Updates

+1 y

since we met she always told me that she doesn’t believe in love and she believes in actions and happiness. Things were great and she was so happy to be with me and i treated her right and she even said that in a certain period i made her love me because of the way i treated her and now she doesn’t want to give affection and doesn’t want affection in return anymore.

Updates

+1 y

She will keep taking care of the house and me and cook for me and take care of our son and everything else just like before but of course no sexual or emotional life and our son will be her only interest and she wants me not to ask for anything more than that. And she is still my wife only because it was a decision she took. But i feel like she is trying to become independent so she can leave me.

[RansomDraven]

To me it sounds like a lot of things happened here: you guys got married for the wrong reasons, communication wasn't the greatest, and she also started communicating with another guy that had feelings for her, and unfortunately he probably wasn't giving her any advice that would help the two of you, more than likely just building himself up by cutting you down to her. And now she thinks her mind is made up.
I think that if you still love her then you fight. For your son you fight. She doesn't want to listen, then fight enough for her and you. She may not listen for months, but if you love her keep trying to talk to her. Do little things that help her out. Cook for her one night, do the dishes, fill up her car with gas, ask her how her day was. Listen to her. Buy her flowers. Keep it mind that she may shoot you down for weeks with every action that you offer, but she's noticing still. Keep trying. If she eventually begins to put her guard down and open up then communicate. Ask her weekly what can I do differently? How was this week? Do you feel like I put you first this week? And she needs to do the same to you. Did she put you first that week? (eventually once she has opened up again). I read something very true, we think of marriage as this pretty box with a perfect ribbon on top filled with laughter, and cuddling, and children, and happy memories... but it isn't. Marriage comes with an empty box and it's up to us to fill it. And also you cn only take out of the box what you have put into it. If you filled it with noncommunication and failed attempts you're going to have to fight that much harder to fill it with positive. Good luck man!

[JPSAM]

this is exactly what im trying to do. and im getting shot at every time i try to just like you said and she communicates to me telling me to stop trying cause she doesn't want anything from me anymore and all she cares about is her and our son and that our son loves her.
but its frustrating and hurtful and depressing.

[RansomDraven]

It is frustrating I'm sure. How long has that been going on? She might shoot you down for months, women can he stubborn. I say give it a year of you best shot, then re-evaluate. If progress is being made, keep pushing. If you're still at square one then separate. It's not good for anyone to remain unhappy, especilly not your son.

[JPSAM]

it has been like this for the past 2 months.
i just dont want anything for myself.
i never asked anything for myself all my life and never thought about myself or my happiness i always make sure everyone else is happy and that makes me happy enough.
i dont care what happens to me or if i stay like that all my life or it gets better, all i care about is that my wife doesn't live miserable and my son gets a wonderful life and loving family similar to the life my parents provided me and still are.

[RansomDraven]

Happy enough isn't good enough unfortunately. You deserve happiness just as your wife and son do. Also you mentioned that you just want your son to grow up with a wonderful loving family... keep in mind that if it doesn't work out between you and your wife, that in NO WAY changes your aon growing up with a wonderful loving family. Would it be fantastic to be able to work it out? Absolutely. But being realistic... Your son needs two happy parents, if that is better achieved apart then so be it. He needs you both, and happy. I still say give it a year, fight for a year, most importantly pray and fight for a year. Give it everything you have and see what happens and what direction to go in after that. Again good luck, and sending good vibes and prayers your way! = )

[Caramel_creme]

This is really sad, because I get the feeling that you are a good man and really love your wife.

I actually don't believe that the only reason your wife married you was because you took her virginity. I think she got carried away at the time, being so in love with you and also excited at the prospect of marraige. A lot of us girls dreams of love, marriage and children, since we are little, and then when it actually happens, we get too excited and jump into it blindly, without actually being ready for it. I think that's what happened to you guys. She loved you and probably still does, but I think she had these grand ideas of what marriage would be like. You know, happily ever after, and that of course doesn't happen in real life. So she is disappointed and can't handle it now...

I for one believe that once you make a commitment of marriage and especially if you have kids, you must try to make the marriage work. This doesn't apply in extreme cases like when there is abuse or cheating... But otherwise I think one must do everything in their power.

If the lack of excitement and passion is the only problem in your marriage, I think it can still be fixed. You probably have communication issues. You need to understand what each other wants and then make an effort to give it to them. Not sure if you have marriage Counselling in your country, but that might be an option. But I think the first step is to be positive about your marraige and make a decision together with your wife that you are not going to give up.

[JPSAM]

she just doesn't want to try. everytime i talk to her she says stop talking about it. and i changed a lot recently but she only says stop trying to change i dont care anymore i dont love you and i won't ever love you again and you mean nothing to me anymore

[Caramel_creme]

Hmm I'm so sorry. But saving a marriage, any marriage takes a lot of effort from both husband and wife. If she has given up and is sure about it, then I think she should be woman enough to let you go... Staying with you just because of convenience, and then treating you like extra baggage, that's just unfair... She sounds very immature to me, to be honest. Sorry if that came across as rude

[JPSAM]

dont worry about it. this is what im thinking now "she is immature".
she just brake our marriage and our family because i dont talk much and im not as fun as i was before marriage.
i am just trying my best right now. i dont want to call it out before i know that i have done everything i possibly can to save our marriage and our family at least for the sake of our son. and if in the process she decides to leave than i know i have done all my best and not just gave up on the slightest problem.

[Caramel_creme]

She has taken you for granted... She doesn't know how hard it is to find a good man, who is so devoted to her, because her first experience of love, was with you. She hasn't had her share of assholes, screw her over, to appreciate a good man. I'm so sorry man. Maybe a break will help her see the light?

[JPSAM]

im thinking maybe another man is giving her more attention and taking care of her more than i do?(the same way we were before marriage and responsibilities?)

[Caramel_creme]

Yes, quite possible... and if that is the case, you deserve better. I for one would never think of staying on with a cheating spouse.

[Caramel_creme]

The fact that she is still communicating with the other guy, the one who had a crush on her before you met, is really messed up to... And then she compares you to him! That's really immature and hurtful.

[JPSAM]

sometimes i think to myself "am i so stupid to not know that she was not happy? am i that stupid not to notice that i am doing something wrong? am i that stupid to give her space and freedom to talk to her friends when they are all male friends and only one girl? am i that stupid to never check out her conversations and just believe what she tells me when i ask her about it?

[Caramel_creme]

I think you have hit upon something there. You might have been a bit of a doormat... Accepted bad behaviour, and maybe even rewarded it. You had a problem with her talking to these guy friends, but you never communicated it to her.

In another post here you said you never wanted anything for yourself and only care about others happiness. When you treat yourself like crap, others will treat you like crap too. You must love and take care of yourself first, before you can take care of others. You must be happy first before you can make others happy.

[JPSAM]

if that is my problem than i wish i was raised differently i wish i was raised to be an asshole that doesn't trust everyone.
and i communicated that its not ok to talk to some of her male friends but she always said that i dont talk much and im at work all day and she's home by herself and i dont talk to her a lot while im at work and she has to talk to someone. so i just dont push it and make a big fuss out of it. but it turned out that i was stupid if she really is emotionally involved with someone else.

[Caramel_creme]

You are not being an asshole by expecting people to treat you with respect. But anyway, this is not the main reason your marriage is in trouble. it is a myriad of problems. Like another person here said, at this point, fight for your marriage. Work your ass off to convince her to fight with you as well. And if things don't get better after a year, move on... All three of you deserve better.

[Caramel_creme]

Thanks for MHO. I really hope things work out for you and your Wife. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk...

[Anonymous]

She couldn't have lost her virginity by your finger. Her hymen could've broken by simple things like a tampon. You only lose your virginity when you have intercourse. It sounds like you shouldn't have married in the first place and she is too immature still to understand what marriage really is.

[JPSAM]

she didn't tell me that it was the reason why she is marrying me and she kept saying that she loves me. just 2 months ago she told me that she married me for that reason and that she doesn't love me.

[MrEMann]

Ok my friend, here is my advice. I am not sure if you two are Christian or not but there is a book that I have witnessed to work with amazing results! It is called The Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick. You do not necessarily have to be Christian to benefit from the book as it is lessons is selfless love and giving, but I am sure all the biblical referance could possibly be a stumbling block for some. Anyway, it is 40 challenge for two people who once shared love, to reconnect and communicate on a loving and healthy level again. There is a movie called Fireproof staring Kirk Cameron that is a great way to introduce the book. I recommend buying to copies of the book and offering her a personally inscribed copy with your pledge to love her deeper with everyday written inside. Present this to her following your discussion after the movie. Take the next 40 days together, exploring the heart of one another. I recommend you leave sex completely off the table until she shows you her desire has returned. I am happy to see you fighting for your marriage and your family. To add one additional thing; From the outside looking in, I think you did a fine job of helping us see this through your wife's eyes. (which is rare today as most strive to present themselves in the positive light) Because of this, I can sence your wife's past efforts and current frustration. You are on the right path if you are not pointing fingers and accepting responsibility for her current distance. I wish you and your family the very best.

[JPSAM]

i am doing the love dare and i am in day 7 now. but nothing i do is accepted. she gets angry over anything i do or say. but i will finish the dares and do them again and again and do anything i can. i won't give up and will keep trying. im not gonna be the one that pulls the plug.

[MrEMann]

That is soooo awesome you were doing The Love Dare before I even suggested. This is a sign you are on the right path! Did you watch the movie? If not, try my suggestion and watch it with your wife. Don't tell her what the movie is about and present her with a copy of the book inscribed as I suggested. I got a good feeling about this. Listen, there is a part in the movie where 7 days into the challenge tge husband is not seeing the results he hoped for and wants to quit. His father reminds him it is a 40 day challenge and not a 7 day challenge. It's notbeven a 39 day challenge. You need to realize, you didn't get here over night and you're not gonna get out over night either. Fight the good fight, my friend. Your family is worth the effort. I also like your attitude. Take a small rest when you find yourself getting frustrated. You can do this and He can help. Keep us posted!

[JPSAM]

i appreciate your positiveness.
i didn't watch the movie yet, i want to but i doubt she would watch it and she feels im doing something and getting advice from somewhere because of the dares and says stop trying and stop reading articles or whatever you are doing because they won't get you anywhere. she is just convinced and i think she is sure that the decision she took is the right one.
but im not the one that is gonna give up.
if she wants out that would be her decision and i would never say that i haven't tried my best.

[MrEMann]

I understand her hurt. You sound like you do as well. I saw some girls opinions were not very positive of her and were defending you. You began to agree for a moment but went back to assuming responsibility. This is awesome. I think your wife has gotren her hopes up in the past and had the rug pulled out from under her. Now she's weary of false promises that don't last. She needs to see consistancy, not hear promises. After what you just said about her opinion on articles and such, maybe do the 40 days without being too obvious. Remember, these are daily lessons but tgat don't mean you can't use day 3 lesson on day 6 or 9 or whatever. You must remember all of these lessons because you will use them the rest of your life now, and hopefully with her. What I am saying is, don't push to fulfill a lesson on a day she is just not receptive. Instead wait for opportunities to present themselves. Soke lessons require you asking her things and some are gestures on your part. Don't skip gestures

[JPSAM]

one of the dares was to get her something that shows im thinking of her. i did that and got her a set of body lotions and left a note saying i love you. all she did was look at them and i dunno if she read the note. they are still in the bag left on a chair in our bedroom. but that day i was talking to her through whatsapp and i got a message from her by mistake and was intended to be sent to someone else saying "even though they smell really good" i assume she told someone about it and fill in the blanks "he got me body lotions, i won't use them even though they smell really good"
im not giving up as i said earlier.

[MrEMann]

In the movie he brought her flowers and found them in the garbage. That was when he lost it and almost quit. You may be fighting a terrific battle, especially with another man possibly filling her head with nonsence for his own benefit. However, it is a really good sign that God is at work here because she is still present in your home and in your life. You still have a chance to win her back. I admire your determination. Vow to never raise your voice at her in anger and never call her a name, ever. If you do begin to feel anger, step back and calm yourself. It is a very short journey for hurt to turn to anger. However, lack of self control can be a death sentence for love. I'm not saying you should never feel upset, even mad, just use great care in how you express it.

[JPSAM]

thats the best asset that i personally have. i never express anger or call names or shout at her. i just keep whatever hurt me in for myself and not put it out on anyone else.

[MrEMann]

Hmmm, that's not good either. Pain and hurt can build in you and cause underlying resentment. It is good to find a healthy medium. You deserve to be heard too. Life is all about balance, not too extreme in any direction. Sex is great but too much can spoil it. Exercise, work, friendships, family are all great. Again, too much can kill your marriage. Even time with your spouse. You need balance and healthy time apart. Too much talk and communication can choke one another. You are finding that too much silence is harmful as well though. Balance, my friend. Just start paying closer attention and keep your eyes open. Make adjustments where and when you see a need. All a man can do is his best. Just don't neglect yourself in all of this. You deserve love too. Granted, right now your wife needs to be nurtured. But once you've won her back, help her to see your heart as well.

[JPSAM]

thats exactly what im going to do.

[Red_Arrow]

First, you did not take her virginity before marriage. Your finger does not have the power to do that. And though it may have torn the hymen, that can happen with tampons and even with nothing going in during some exercise, even horseback riding. So regardless of your country's customs, her hymen was as intact as it would be if one of those things had torn it.

Once you married, she lived with you and basically her life was taking care of your home and you. For two years, you were her main contact with life outside of the home. She needed to have conversations with you when you came home, But instead of talking with her, you were quiet, which made her feel more isolated. So for two years you made her life seem like she was in a prison.

She told you how that was affecting her. For two years she tried to get you to talk with her more. How easy that would have been for you. But after two years of that, she has lost the love for you. She is now only going through the motions of being your wife in taking care of the home and your baby. Beyond that, you have made her not care anymore.

If you try to change her mind it will only make her dislike you more. The only solution I see is that couple's counseling may work for you, but I do not know what that would be like in your country, nor how you two would be able to be open about those things with a counselor. But that is the only chance I see for the two of you.

[chaturbateskype]

i think time should cure this things... if u can able to save your relation for 4 or 6 years (till she became 28/30) so that she will understand world better till then... and also if ur can able to save ur relationship for 10years... u will build a great bond till then - but u have to speak to her all the way, if she not gonna speak - nothing gona settle... try speaking to her. if she is not allowing to speak... try texting her frequently... thats it i can say - all the best for your future :) - good people may struggle in between but end up with great things. dont worry

[AustinMan]

First of all, virginity is not lost to a finger. It's lost to an erect penis.

It sounds to me like you're not taking her seriously when she identifies issues and revert almost immediately. You need to get your ass in gear and start worrying about what SHE needs or you're gonna lose her and your son.

[JPSAM]

austin thank you for your opinion,
i know what virginity is and what i meant is breaking her hymen and this is considered losing virginity thats the way things are in here.
and god knows i am not a bad person at all. but life is stressful and i get engaged in working and i thought that providing and working on a better future for my family (knowing that i am the only source of income) was taking care of her and it turned out that its not even close.

[AustinMan]

I'm so glad you're getting your priorities in order. How are things now?

[JPSAM]

just like living in hell. she doesn't want me to ask about her or even talk to me about anything other than our son.

[AustinMan]

Clearly time for a couple's therapist. Hang in there. There is hope but also a huge amount of work.

[Elis678]

Virginity isn't lost to anything, cause isn't really a physical thing and can be subjective. Giving so much importance to something that is just a social construct l, it's the reason ridicolous situations like this still happen.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line: Your custom is dumb. Someone might say I should respect other cultures customs and not judge, nope. Look what happened, it's dumb. I'll refrain from calling your wife dumb and (to a lesser extent) you dumb as well because you're subject to the culture, but basically you should either go somewhere better or challenge the custom and try to be happy where you are, or you could buy into the custom and try to push through, but in my opinion it's already shown that it's messed up. Sorry if it's harsh but that's the reality of it.

[miserybusiness]

"accidentally made her lose her virginity"

I MEAN
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT LOL YOU WERE FINGERING HER
You're both dumbdumbs
It doesn't matter if your culture doesn't permit sex before marriage - and trust me I know what that's like - you both should've been smart enough to realize that you were doing something beyond stupid. And now that you have a kid, you'll have to think through this very cautiously.

[JPSAM]

it wasn't fingering... it was rubbing. and yes it was stupid.

[genericname85]

what a terrible thing of her to say. i mean i get sticking around for the person who took your virginity a bit. but marrying them and having children with that? that's just the actions of an irresponsible child. sorry you have to deal with this bullshit man.

[genericname85]

like were you completely in the dark? did you always think she likes you?

[Gommers]

Take her to court and take YOUR son. She's an unfit mother, used you to have a child and nothing more. She can't possibly have anything to add to that child's worth or future. Also take everything in the house as I'm sure you've made 90% of the money that bought it.

[SilenRose]

This is very unfortunate. But honestly you should move on if she doesn't want to try and fix the marriage anymore. The last thing you mentioned seems like she might try and request an open marriage next. Just get a divorce.

[JPSAM]

so in your opinion i should just stop trying and nothing is gonna change if i keep trying?

[Elis678]

You and your wifes are victims of the worst ignorance and bigotry.

[sjoes006]

I saw your wife's question on here. You are both all of a sudden GAGer's? Seems unlikely.

[SilenRose]

I'd like to read it. Did you respond to it?

[JPSAM]

what? where?
are you sure?
how can i find the question you are talking about?

[tenchu11]

Date her again flirt get her flowers write her love letters frequent but not in an over bearing way. Show her you love her not sure what else...

[singlebee]

I think you should divorce her immediately.. Cause she manipulated you and made a fool out of you... I am sorry but you married the wrong person here..
You should not have married her...

[tzdc21]

She basically said she doesn't want you, so go find a woman who actually does want you and forget about her.

[meatballs21]

Yes, it's over. No sexual or emotional life? That's not a relationship. She doesn't even want to try fixing things. Sorry.

[Lolomon]

Go to marriage counselling and go from their. That is all you can do

[jjmarvin]

Second update. .. why would you want a life like that anyway? Let her leave if she wants.

[JPSAM]

she just didn't say anything about leaving she just said that she doesn't know how long will she be able to live like this.

[jjmarvin]

Then tell her to go. Tell her if she doesn't love you she doesn't get to live with you.

Or I don't know, i don't know your country or its customs

[JPSAM]

i am so deeply in love with her and would do anything to fix our marriage but she said that i can’t fix anything anymore. And she doesn’t want me to fix anything and she will not love me again whatever I would do or change because i will get back to the same way we are now and she will get hurt again. Now she stopped talking to me the way we did before unless it was something about our son and she says that she doesn't want me to get her involved in anything concerning my own life and not to interfere in her own life as well.

[jjmarvin]

Something you have to understand is that you cannot be deeply in love with someone who does not love you and does not want to be around you. You are not in love, you are infatuated. You have to explore yourself deep inside now and not think about her. Your life is your son and whoever you choose to date in the future. She is not a part of it.

Frankly, i think you should tell her not to be a part of it at all and move out (assuming you live in a country where she won't be murdered or shunned for it)

[JPSAM]

no off course she will not be murdered but she doesn't work and didn't finish university cause she quit when we got married because of financial issues and her parents and people around us will judge her and its hard in here for a divorced couple to date again or have a new life especially that we have a son.

[RicanEyes]

WoW!! This is so sad 😞😞.

[Elis678]

Hilarious, I think

[SonicRiver]

Yep move on.

[MissIndependent111]

Divorce now.

[JPSAM]

Is it that hopeless?

[apple24]

yup sure is!