Why do I never get the guy?

[harrisja9]

I am extremely frustrated so I apologize in advance for any strongly worded language haha I am a young, independent, intelligent women and for some reason I never get asked out. Ok, maybe never, in my entire life (25yrs) I've been asked out twice not including all the drug addicts that hang out on the corner catcalling. I was single the entirety of my primary schooling years not by choice and the only reason i got my first boyfriend in college was because i pursued him vigorously. Im not trying to be conceited, but I am NOT a bad looking girl at all (I think i"m about average, but people tell me all the time i"m gorgeous). Im black, but tend to be attracted to white men slighting older than me that are fit, would be considered hot by anyone's standard, and smart. The problem is not that these guys don't exist (believe me!); I work in a hospital and see them all day every day. I smile, make eye contact, try to seem "smize" and seem welcoming and inviting and I get nothing, nada. Even when i go out with friends they ALWAYS get hit on and I'm ignored. I even tried flipping the script and asking the guys out on dates instead of waiting for them to ask me and I kid you not I have gotten turned down every single time. I have no idea what is wrong with me... Someone please help :(

[hellionthesage]

Well I'm going to be perfectly blunt with you, when a woman says how great she is then follows up with why guys don't approach, its kind of a red flag. If all of these things are true then why would they not approach? Obviously there is either something your not admitting to or something you are ignoring/unaware of. I would say first, in my experience independent is code for broken. The fact is no one is independent, if you didn't need any one you wouldn't be looking for anyone plain and simple. Men and women are by design dependent on each other so when a woman says she is independent for me and in my experience it usually means attachment issues. Now I'm not trying to attack you or anything, I'm just saying what in my experience has been the case. I have never met or talked ot a woman who claimed to be independent who did not have issues. The other part is a guy wants a woman who wants and needs him, just as I imagine most women would want a guy who needs and wants her so, I would try and move away from the independent aspect of things. How is your mannerisms? Are you a tomboy or are you a girly girl, something in between, none of the above? Where do you hang out and where do you live? All of these things could be a factor, also I would mention that if you tend to brag that can be kind of a turn off as its more of a masculin trait (hence me asking about mannerisms) so if your going for a certain type of guy and thats not his thing chances are its none of those guys things. So do any of these things sound applicable?

[harrisja9]

I'm gonna have to stop you right there because for one I am not bragging out how great I am so I don't know where you got that. All i said was I think I'm average looking although people tell me all the time I'm actually quite good looking (fact, nothing more) so you can take the red flag down now. And second of all I am very much independent. If the only people you've met in you're like are independent people that are broken then you have some issues yourself. Independence does not equal not needing to rely on other people from time to time so please don't put words in my mouth. And I don't NEED a man, I love my life and myself as is, however, I realize that having someone special can only enhance my life if they're the right person.

Sorry for getting so defensive but i don't take too kindly to people making assumptions about me. If you want to know something just ask. And I am in between. I am not into dressing up and stuff but will when i go out. I also fix my own cars and stuff

[harrisja9]

I can be "boyish" I suppose. I hang out mainly in the hospital because thats where I work and thats where I have fun. Every now and again I'll go out to a concert or to the bar with some friends, but honestly it's not my scene. And I NEVER brag about myself that's disgusting and I'd turn my nose up at anyone who did.

[hellionthesage]

Well you said you where and I quote, "I am a young, independent, intelligent women. . . I am NOT a bad looking girl at all (I think i"m about average, but people tell me all the time i"m gorgeous)" what that tells me is that you think your gorgeous because people say so but you don't want to sound concieted so you down play your response. Otherwise why mention what others think? their would be no point if you honestly thought you where average you would have simply left it at that. Now as for independent, no you are wrong, we are by biological design dependent on each other that is how society functions we need each other, you don't want a man you need a man its a biological drive otherwise you would be indifferent to whether or not you where in a relationship. Their is nothing wrong with it, every one needs people, its actually quite sad that people don't want to admit this fact. Again if you didn't need some one then you wouldn't be looking. You don't seek that which you don't need.

[hellionthesage]

So what is the personality types of the guys you are after? Where do you live what is their occupations etc etc.

[hellionthesage]

Also I would like to point out that you really never hear about men being "independent" or men saying how they don't need a woman (unless they are MGTOW in which case thats a whole nother story) So I am not attacking you or women (don't know why women always get offended by the suggestion that they need some one, as if its the worst thing in the world) men are the same way, its biology.

[harrisja9]

Actually no and that's where you can't assume things about people. I am very much a realist so I say things exactly how i see them no matter what's it's concerning, including with myself. I am young (25), I am intelligent (not the smartest person in the world, but I have a bachelor's degree, I am in nursing school, I plan on going on to get my crna license and I can read and think for myself). So again tell me where I'm being conceited? Also I do think i am quite average and that is what people tell me so you're assumptions are just that assumptions.

Dude, please get the proverbial stick out of your ass. No one said males and females can survive independently of each other (that fucking obvious) however, I am very much a loner and enjoy my alone time so if I wanted to be single forever I would gladly be single forever and there are people that do so don't generalize. And I'll reiterate what I already said; I do not NEED a man in my life, however I would like one.

[harrisja9]

I tend to go after guys that are like myself in that they're book smart (med students, doctors, nurses, lawyers). I like a good conversations and get bored otherwise, that and I mainly work with doctors/med students/and nurses hahaha I live in Richmond right now (I am not a southerner at all) but am planning on moving to Chicago after I graduate.

[hellionthesage]

Okay, you are obviously misunderstanding me, I am not assuming your concieted, I am saying by listing off all your good traits you are coming off as concieted, which is why I asked about general demenor, I was merely trying to explain my reasoning behind my statement. When a woman says hey I'm attractive smart and blah blah blah, no one wants to be with me why? That causes red flags. How could it not? If I where to tell you I was smart successful good shape great guy but women want absolutely nothign to do with me wouldn't you suspect something? I mean that seems strange that you would be such a great person and every one avoids you. Its not an unreasonable conclusion I was merely pointing that fact out. Its not a good lead in to your question, true or not. Hence me saying I was not trying to insult you because I wasn't, only pointing out the irony of the statement, to make you aware of it.

[harrisja9]

Haha no... no i wouldn't because this is a blog and more information is welcome. But i see what you are getting at and agree that would come off as conceited lol But again, I want to reiterated I do not tell people that in life, I am stating that here so that strangers who know nothing about me and help me figure out why no one ever asks me out. I am aware of the irony, but that knowledge still doesn't help me figure out why no one is asking me out :(

[hellionthesage]

Yes you did say that you didn't need men that you where independent ergo that you didn't need a man. You literally said that, three times. So that is why I corrected you. You said it THREE TIMES! Then you stated imediatley after claiming that you didn't say you didn't need any one else that you didn't need any one else. If you where happy single you would be single instead of trying to not be single. Contradictory. If you don't need any one, then don't have anyone. You are contradiciting yourself, you are taking my statements to the extreme (as I said I was merely pointing out the irony of your statement.). So I am going to be perfectly blunt with you, if you have it all figured out what is the problem? Is it with all of them or is it with you? I would presume its something your doing, clearly you do not agree so why would they all just not have interest in you?

[harrisja9]

Ok you do realize that romantic relationships between men and women are not the only type of human relationships that exist correct? So when I say I do not need a man in my life, I stand by that, I don't need a man. I have a wonderfully large family, wonderful friends and people who i rely on in times of need. And you sure are making a hell of a lot of assumptions. I am very much focused on my career at the moment and will be until I graduate at the end of the year and move, however, that does not mean I still cannot try to figure out why the hell guys don't talk to me. You are the only one on here that's commented without being even the slightest bit helpful. I can take criticism and have no qualms about you but you're criticism isn't even constructive; its based on a slew of incorrect consumptions and unfounded hypothesis. So do I feel attacked? Definitely. I've tried to address your questions but this is getting nowhere so I'll just have to agree to disagree and bid you adieu

[hellionthesage]

Okay, so first and foremost you misinterpreted what I was saying before, you took it the wrong way even admited to it, it happens. Water under the bridge. As for romantic relationships, no you are wrong, you are driven to want a relationship with some one, even asexuals want that. This is fact I don't know how to make it any clearer as I pointed out you keep saying you dont need it, but then immediatley demand to know how to get it. Again completely missing the irony in this. I am trying to be helpful but you keep ignoring half the things I am trying to get across to you. You not needing a man, thats something that is going to push guys away. Your not needed, sounds sexy right? Sounds like something you would love to hear a boyfriend say right? Get the picture? This is my point, you say you don't need them, then they will merely look for some one who does. Its okay to need some one, every one wants to be needed, especially men, if your telling them you don't need them, you are saying

[hellionthesage]

they are replacable, they are trivial, they are nothing. Its as simple as that. Your not needed. Just imagine some one your interested in you saying that to you"I don't need you." Is it sounding like a positive thing to you when placed under that context? Do you feel all warm and fuzzy inside at the thought of some one telling you they don't need you? Do you think to yourself that those are the words you would like a significant other to wisper into your ear during a romantic candle light setting? Do you see what I am getting at?
The fact is if he is ambitous then their may be a good probablitity that he is looking for a girly girl, a woman who is intouch with her feminin side, the fact is ambition is a male trait, the career minded kind of guy is career minded so that he can build a base a foundation for a family (statisticly men with familieis actually work more then men who don't so its his biological drive to be able to provide for current or future family).

[hellionthesage]

So you having the same exact traits as he does does not say to him, she is a good mate, it says she is another male competition. Its like an animal mating display, it gets really confusing when the female does the same display as the male. Imagine the confusion of a male peacock struting about spreading his tail feathers only to have the prospective mate do the same? His response would be to go else where because obviously the female has masculin traits and is not what he is looking for in a mate. Masculin and feminine balance each other, if you display traits that are similar then its going to work against you. And as your MHG stated, the guys you are after are the most sought after there fore they have greater power of picking a mate then you do, your competition is stiffer, sure its unfair but then one could say its unfair that you are not giving any guy at your level or below a fair shot either, you are doing exactly what they are doing.

[DasVoz]

You have a preference for very attractive, successful white men.

You know who else has this preference? Almost every woman on the planet. Unlike 5-6 years ago, these men have all the bargaining power and call their shots.

If they want a woman similar to them, they can have her. They can afford to be as picky as they please. That means saying no to "average" women, because the rest of her merits don't really matter all that much. It's sad to say.

[harrisja9]

And I think that's sad. I am more than looks. I am very intelligent and ambitious I would think any man would want that.

[DasVoz]

Many men value that. But these men can get intelligent and ambitious girls that are gorgeous, and won't settle.

[harrisja9]

haha so basically you're saying i don't make the cut then?

[DasVoz]

According to their standards, apparently not.

There are plenty of men who aren't hot, successful, and white that would love to be with you.

[harrisja9]

I can't really change who I'm attracted to and I don't think telling anyone to settle is really solid advice. I am not saying i need to date George Clooney lol and believe me some of the guys don't come anywhere near GC status but I'm also not going to date someone I don't think is handsome. And I work hard to further my career so I'm definitely not going to date a grown ass man that doesn't do the same.

[DasVoz]

Right, and reality will determine whether or not you're worth the asking price.

[harrisja9]

I can agree with that.

[Broswater]

Its not sad. These days 80% of women are going for the top 20% alpha male and they are left to wonder like this girl '' Why?, Why can I get a man?''. Time for a reality check ladies. And I am not saying that as a bitter guy. I can't complain because I think I'm in the top 20% :D!

[lonerider]

I don't want to sound rude- but i'll be as honest as a drunk sailor- you DO NOT fit in their standards. You are aiming too high.
Everything that DasVoz said is spot on. I dont need to say anything else but i'll say the same thing in a short and simplified way- the guys you aim for (the most desirable ones) can get waaay better girls than you, that's why they dont go for you. Look for someone your level if you dont want to be alone.
And yes, everyone thinks they are better than everybody else.. before they see the hard truth. You might be intelligent and ambitious and good looking.. but there will always be a girl who's more intelligent, more ambitious and better looking than you.

[lonerider]

@DasVoz

[harrisja9]

I agree i am aiming high, probably because i think highly of myself and that may or may not be "right." That's not to say i never date anyone that is less than hot, in fact all of my boyfriends have been exactly that. I think i just need to accept that most of the guys i like just won't feel the same way.

[lonerider]

Yeah. Well that's all there is to it. Acceptance

[Mistnigqa808]

"I work in a hospital and see them all day every day. I smile, make eye contact, try to seem "smize" and seem welcoming and inviting and I get nothing, nada" = you being a #TryHard/trying to appease them. Which comes off as a turn-off in their/most people's minds.

"Why do I never get the guy?" Umm I don't know, but maybe you should become friends 1st with ____ and then take it from there ^_^.

[harrisja9]

I have no problem becoming friends with them, but honestly I don't even know how to get close enough to do even that. Haha and Im going to have to disagree; being welcoming shouldn't be a turn-off, if it is then that's a good thing for me bc I wouldn't want that kind of person in my life anyway

[Mistnigqa808]

Umm there's a difference between being cool (laid back/easy to talk to) with a person and trying to be (look) nice.. if ya know what I mean? Like if I sense that somebody is trying to "be nice" to me, It just gives me that -_- face. Because they come off as "fake" 90% of the time and they usually are LOL.

[Mistnigqa808]

And just talk to the guy. and see if he talks back without any flirting involved (until later on).

[harrisja9]

Oh I see what you're saying. Yea that'd be weird but I'm talking about guys I see in the hospital (it's a very large hospital) in passing that I try to catch the attention of. So I'm not acting fake, I smile at them to encourage them to come talk to me, but it doesn't work. Maybe i just don't know how to make eyes at guys and I just thought i did hahahaha

[Mistnigqa808]

Yeah that (my) approach won't work on people that you'll never see again. I was talking about real life friends and stuff ^_^

[abc3643]

Tell us about your current situation? Also, why do you think you "never get the guy"?

[harrisja9]

I really don't. I promise I'm not exaggerating. This has literally been the story of my life since I was old enough to remember: Jessica likes boy, boy doesn't know, Jessica tells boy she likes him, boy tells Jessica to go away lol I'm 25 now and it's still happening

[abc3643]

I'm not sure I can help other than this: When I was 31ish (I am white), I had a black female friend with whom I would talk and do newspaper puzzles together. She was hot and had two white BFs I believe. I so would have wanted to date her - she was attractive, but also fascinating. I miss her and search for her often on Facebook, but never found her.

So, my point is that you can definitely get a white guy, but, don't just be black, but be fascinating - 1) don't act stereotypical in anyway and 2) have an air of mystery to you; all guys want to solve a mystery - it's in our blood.

Good luck, honey, I am sure there is nothing wrong with you and that it's a matter of time before you find the right guy.

[harrisja9]

Haha I'm the least stereotypical black girl I've ever met and everyone who's ever met me knows I am goofy as hell but honestly no one even give me chance to show them any of that. Thank you. there's nothing else to really do but suffer in silence I suppose lol

[abc3643]

Be the goddess you are and you will get a guy, I promise.

[harrisja9]

Thank you.

[abc3643]

Having looked at your profile picture, you are a beautiful girl and you really shouldn't have any problem. Maybe your problem was simply that you and the guys were to young. As guys get older, they will settle down and be with the woman they want and that will include you.

[harrisja9]

I wish that were the problem but I refuse to date guys my age, they're just way to immature. I don't date anyone below 30.

[abc3643]

Good for you. you sound like you have your shit together.

[harrisja9]

I'm not perfect by any means, but I was raised by my no nonsense grandparents and they really gave me the best upbringing possible and I credit me having a good head on my shoulders now to that.

[Jayded1]

So you only go for the guys all girls go for and you wonder why they aren't single. How about you look for someone to love and not someone that perfect.

[Anonymous]

They probably just prefer white girls as their preference , nothing against you but that's probably the majority of the reason, it didn't stop me though but not every guy is as open as me

[harrisja9]

I'm starting to lean towards that same idea myself, but it's such a sad one because that means until that one guy that does decide he likes black girls comes from out of the shadows I will be more or less by my lonesome :(

[Anonymous]

You're asking the cream of the crop guys, that's why

[harrisja9]

so you're saying I should lower my standards?

[Opinion Owner]

You don't have to, but sometimes you maybe presently surprised.

[gapminder]

I don't know, because you're hot as fuq.

[harrisja9]

:) Thank you, so are you

[gapminder]

Thank you ;^)

[Let_me_do_that]

why don't you have a pic here?

[harrisja9]

I'm not really sure. This is my first time using this site (I'm a little technologically challenged) but I can try to figure out how to post one

[Let_me_do_that]

you just upload it in your profile click on edit profile and then click on pen symbols

[harrisja9]

I'm trying lol believe me. Once sec.

[Let_me_do_that]

you are saying no one approached you wtf you are so hot

[harrisja9]

Not a soul, i swear. I do realize i can have resting bitch face at times and have been told I look really intimidating, BUT with that in mind whenever I see someone I like and that I want to talk to me I immediately start smiling and giving them googly eyes so I don't see how a smile and sex eyes can be seen as intimidating...

[Let_me_do_that]

haha its just their misunderstanding not your faults dear

[Let_me_do_that]

I find you attractive and yes hot too

[harrisja9]

lol Thank you.

[Let_me_do_that]

unable to message you

[harrisja9]

I don't understand. You just did lol

[Let_me_do_that]

haha there is an option of chat also here :P you need to follow me for that

[harrisja9]

lol you seem a little... young

[Let_me_do_that]

does it matter?

[harrisja9]

Well if the intention is to flirt then yes lol

[Let_me_do_that]

I don't think it matters ;)

[harrisja9]

It does to me. I don't date or flirt (which leads to more) with anyone my own age let alone younger than me. I babysat enough in high school.

[Let_me_do_that]

trust me baby you won't feel like babysat anymore

[harrisja9]

hahahahahaha sorry I'm rolling right now. Trust me, I would.

[Let_me_do_that]

good

[Let_me_do_that]

I want to see your more pics <3

[harrisja9]

I'm sorry I'm really not interested. I'm sure you're a nice guy and all but you're not old enough for me lol

[Let_me_do_that]

xD great to know that