Why does my husband get mad at me every time I try to talk to him about anything serious?

Question

We've been together for 12 years now and every time I try to talk to him about anything other than what's on TV or stupid things like that he gets mad at me. We used to be best friends and it stayed that way for a long time until about a year ago. He's never been the best listener but it always seemed like he at least cared some of the time what I had to say. Now any time I get emotional or let one tear fall he accuses me of being a crybaby. I never cry usually even when I'm really hurting inside. I try to keep it all to myself because I don't want to bother anyone with it. If I try to talk about something that he doesn't like he lashes out at me; yelling, mocking me, making it all seem like it's my fault that things are going badly.
I asked him if he just doesn't love me anymore and he looked at me like I was crazy and asked me how could I even think that way. So I asked him if he didn't like me anymore and he said, "Well, of course I do!" But it doesn't feel that way. No, not at all.
I feel like every time I open my mouth I'm burdening him and he just wants me to leave him alone. So I talk to my family (I have no real friends anymore, just acquaintances) and they tell me that they don't know why he's being this way either. My mom just says, "Men are a##holes" and my dad tells me to leave him if he's going to be treat me like this. So, really, I can't talk to them either. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. We have 3 kids together and I can't see him ever treating one of our daughters this way. Why me? What did I do wrong? I've read all that self help, marriage counseling stuff and it doesn't help either. No matter how I approach him the end result is the same.
I love him, I really do, but I feel like our bond is broken. There's not another woman, I know that, because generally he despises most women. Supposedly, I was one of the "good ones". I guess that's not the case anymore. What can I do to fix this? Can it even be fixed?

bomba78 · Accepted Answer

he sounds frustrated somehow, and it seems he is letting it out on you.
You two need to talk about this ASAP. But since he will have none of it and just wants to be left the hell alone, I suggest you write him a letter.
Be objective and focus on your feelings and your wishes for this marriage. Ask him if there is something happening in his life that is giving him a hard time. Ask him also, what he thinks you two can do, to make it better. Tell him you miss his "old self". suggest marriage counseling.
Again, be very objective and do not use phrases like "you never" "you always" etc. If you do, he will immediately shut down. Just like kids do when they get scolded. (I know it sounds stupid, but it is the truth) Close the letter with a clear timeline like "take your time to think about this. I will follow up with you by next weekend/the end of the month/whatever timeline you want to give him". You need to have a timeline so this doesn't just vanish into oblivion. He HAS to react and open up if he wants this marriage to keep going.
THEN you need to start focusing on yourself RIGHT NOW. Start a hobby, there you have the chance of meeting new friends. Try to get in touch with old friends. You need to get a life of your own. Stop only being the wife and mother. As soon as you have other interests and outlets, you will feel less anxious about the lack of attention your husband is giving you. you will actually have something new and interesting to talk about. You will be busy and not home all the time. He will notice the change in you, I guarantee that.

This can be fixed, but it will take both of you. Unfortunately, if he refuses to do anything, well then it might be time to plan your exit strategy and make it clear to him that you are in fact going to leave him if things don't change.

kristyle · Accepted Answer

Wow have you considered that you have grown apart? I was not married but was in a relationship for about 10 years and me and my then boyfriend were really close. We are still best friends now. But even now as just his friend seeing the way he is, he is not very super mature I cannot talk to him about super serious stuff as it seems like he doesn't really relate or understand it.

There are something even though he is my best friend, some things I cannot tell him not for fear of him later taking it as a joke. It is really weird how things changed but I we both grew in different ways over time, maybe I grew faster and grew apart. Not a bad thing we are not the same people we are when we first meet our bf/future husband, etc or whatever. I cannot see him as ever being the right person for me he is kind and great, but we simply do not match.

tasha212 · Accepted Answer

If you are unable to talk to him about it because of his reactions you need to find another way to make him realise how bad his behaviour is making you feel, you probably did nothing wrong, he may be going through depression or is feeling down about something but that doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. If you are not happy at the moment in your relationship even if you do love him it may be best to separate from him, take some time apart and tell him that you want to talk about your relationship and try to fix things but you can't fix things by yourself, if he loves you and still wants you in his life he will want to fix the relationship as well.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

So you have tried marriage counseling?
Have you tried individual counseling? My guess is he won't do it... you should... you need to dump somewhere and he isn't taking it.

You aren't being allowed to express your feelings and he is shutting down or defending himself... he doesn't want to deal with anything negative probably because he doesn't have the capacity to do so. So this is a problem. Secondly, you don't have friends to talk to... that should be fixed by getting some friends.

This can be hard for men... it was hard for me... when my girlfriend would start dumping.. cause we want to fix it and make it go away. It takes a lot of training to just be able to listen. He probably feels he's being a man by existing and paying the bills. Does he have male friends/mentors that can help educate him on your needs? he's not being a good husband... but he probably won't agree with that. He needs counseling for his emotional and relational issues, but will resist...

Can you talk to him about anything good and positive and fun... like dreaminig about the future, fun things he likes to do?

How you approach him can make a difference... head on is confrontation... side by side is friend... something in his hands to play with is best... anything... a toy.

Goforit1010 · Accepted Answer

First of all, I'm sure he does love you very much, and the kids. His reaction to you is based on a TON of stress. It's all his responsibility to support you and the kids. With #3 now here, he's probably wondering how he can ever make ends meet. And I mean E-V-E-R. His job is stressful enough driving. Then he comes home to sort of unwind and has the kids needs, yours and his own to deal with. The result - he sees your questions and pressing him as simply added stress.

His emotional bank is totally overdrawn (probably like yours is). Start by taking things in small chunks. Ask for his opinion on something small but necessary. Tell him how much you all appreciate his hard work to keep you and the kids going. Then let him know as stressful as it is, you need a few minutes of his time to get his idea about (whatever).

Be as calm as possible. Do your best to keep all emotion under wraps. I realize this is VERY hard for a woman to do on certain things, but try as much as possible. It's going to take time and effort, but I think if you help him on the stress, he'll respond back in kind.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You cannot fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed.

Mesonfielde · Answer

Hmm.. Well, I can only think of the most general causes, which generally means he is either holding a grudge over something, or he feels emotionally, or sexually (and therefore partly emotionally) dissatisfied. I'd say the mocking is an automatic behavior with no explicit intent.

Anyways, my father used to do that all the time because he felt miserable with work and felt miserable in his marriage, so eventually they broke up I mean divorced. But they literally never talked for about 9 years other than the everyday yelling, so I am surprised they bothered for 9 years to ensure financial security.

rjroy3 · Answer

Sounds like you shouldn't read marriage counseling books and should actually go to marriage counseling with him. The only message you need to get across to him is that you need him to talk to you, that your communication now isn't working for you and it needs to change for you and him both to be satisfied. You need to look at counselors that will actually listen to what he has to say tho and not just gang up on him telling him he needs to shape up. Communication is a two way street, which means you have to take some of the blame for the breakdown as well. I'm not a marriage counselor, so I won't even attempt to speculate why things are this way now. But you do need to reach out and seek help.

mikeaaa · Answer

I had a wife like that. My marriage ended. She has new guy. But before it ended there was nobody. It sounds like he is just unhappy with his life. Maybe he gets crap at work, etc.. but doesn't really understand that he is hurtful. I am willing to listen. But I failed in mine. I don't have advice that works, but honestly it sounds like you just need a friend. Bottom line is no matter what you do or don't do you will hurt for a while more. I won't judge you or try to creep. You aren't alone. Just most who go through this are alone in real life because we dedicated ourselves completely to our marriage and put our spouse first. I'm sorry for your pain.

GingerGuy · Answer

He has to take you seriously and want to work on this also which it doesn't sound like he's doing. Maybe you've done this, but if not, talk to him again and really explain how you feel (like you've done here) and how you're hurting and what you need from him. Maybe he's just really stressed right now? Maybe he's just taking you for granted? Suggest couples counselling to him (to at least show him how serious you are about this). If he continues the same attitude after this then you might need to consider leaving him because a marriage can't go on this way (nor can you).

tupperware · Answer

That's rough. I'd say try to talk it over with him and tell him how you feel about what's happening, but it sounds like you've tried.

How old is he? What does he do for a living? What happened in his life around the time this started? Not blaming you, but was there some change in your life around that time?

Tdieseler · Answer

Honestly, i'd do the same thing... some men just don't want to "talk" about things. i know... im one of them. we classify that as "nagging" and its irritating.
i mean... some guys are Problem-Solution guys... so what YOU do is you identify what the problem is... you think of a solution or possible solutions... THEN you bring it to your husband..(possibly with a beer)
If your problem is the fact that he doesn't want to "talk" about things... well... ur screwed then.

Kyratio · Answer

I honestly, can't tell you for sure. Are you sure there's not something that's bothering him? That's honestly the only thing I can think of.

tbobet · Answer

they is a saying, " if you keep it inside bottle up, its will be the worst thing," the person who saying it a psychologist. if you want to cry, or a shear a tear if you want if you see something emotional, you could a moment. i do not think he really care for you and your feeling. he is not the right man from you. if he said he care, he will have turn off the tv and have nice talk, and thing or person (s) she stop a few or longer to listen to you. that is a husband and wife is the second reason, they get divorces, they're is no communication. so, he do not want to listen to you. seek some help. because, its will be to late.

Byakee · Answer

First off im really sorry that you're going through this, but has anything been on his mind a lot in the past year, a goal he's trying to reach, anything work related, stress, family member passing?

Anonymous · Answer

Is the subjects of your conversation always like bills, work, honeydo lists? He may be used to "work" like subjects and has become wary of talking to you, because he is afraid he you may make him do something.

Anonymous · Answer

I think he is stressed and it is everything he can do to handle it. He has nothing left to offer you at this point. He can't be strong for you, when he is barely able to handle his own emotions. This is often how miscommunications occur.

red324 · Answer

I didn't read all that your wrote, but I think a lot of guys mistake a girls seriousness for her criticizing them, like they're mad and did something wrong. Maybe try to approach it in a more light manner.

worldscolide · Answer

I am with your dad on this. I am married and i always make very sure i am always available for my wife to talk to if i am not at work.

orphan · Answer

simple: marriage counseling or divorce.

thewhiteballer · Answer

Because your not giving him a blow job

Why does my husband get mad at me every time I try to talk to him about anything serious?

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