Lack of sex almost killed my marriage. I want it every day, and my spouse did not have much of a drive. It drove me insane. I am an attractive woman and I get a lot of attention from men, but to not get that from my husband still made me feel inadequate. So we separated for about a year... the happiest a year of my life thus far, but now we are trying to work things out because he has other qualities that are important to have in a partner and he is working on things to improve his sex drive for me. So we will see.. but yes, I think if one person is being deprived of a basic need in their marriage (such as sex) the relationship is doomed, or the person being deprived is going to live in misery like I was. Sex is a basic need to me, just like sleeping or eating, and I also feel it's extremely intimate and brings you closer to your spouse.
TBH I've been struggling with the realization that almost EVERYONE I know has cheated (mostly men, not judging just saying) If they're old that's pretty understandable, you can only do so much, but I've known couples in their 40s that pretty much stopped having sex and started sleeping in different rooms. Some people are just cool with spending time with their partner/best friend in an intimate non-sexual way and bravo to them, but I don't know how I would feel about it.
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It is all going to depend on the people involved. While I love sex, I have pain medication that causes issues. I am so tired of having to explain it to the women I date, then them not believing me and thinking the issue is them, that I have just about given up on dating. It isn't that I can't perform, I just don't want sex every day and I am too old for multiple times a day. 2 or 3 times a week is the most I would want it. and I wouldn't mind 4 or 6 times a month. I am at a point if I don't have sex again I don't consider it a loss. So right now I am done with dating. I am not saying never, just never for right now.
I certainly understand the medication issues, and I applaud those that stay with people who can't or don't want to have sex due to those types of issues... that is for sure!!!
No, god no. Its vital to the relationship for intimacy purposes and at least for me to distinguish my relationship as an actual relationship. I highly doubt that if a man would only acknowledge his wife ten times or less a year that she would be all that pleased. To me that's not a marriage its a friendship at best.
Those are some of my thoughts too. I guess every situation is different, but I would think being married to your best friend while Great, but without the passion, what makes it different from any other friendship... I don't know, maybe I am just reaching, I just find the topic interesting, and was surprised at how many relationships are actually suffering with this... no wander divorce rate and therapy session area at all time high... lol
Yeah I don't get that, for me a wife (or significant other) should always be willing to have sex with her husband just as he should always be willing to have sex with her. The brain releases oxytocin when you have sex which has been proven to help strengthen emotional bonds, so you stop having sex and that goes away and then as far as I can tell if they are not having sex then they generally are not cuddling either (which also releases oxytocin) and then that means they have removed the physical aspect of the relationship and the intimacy it fosters. Its absurd because one it hurts the relationship and two its sex, its pleasurable and its not like its going to eat up your whole day or anything so it doesn't even make sense from that standpoint. Once 10-30 minutes of feeling pleasure with your partner becomes burdensome you know their are issues in the relationship.
I knew that about the oxytocin, and I was always told that the oxytocin levels increase right after or during for women, but not so much for men. Those levels stimulate emotions if I am correct? Not too scientific, but I thought those same things as you stated. Thanks so much for the information and an informed answer. I just don't know how someone could say they are married to their best friend, not have sex, and not talk about it. If someone was my best friend, we would be having a discussion for sure... thanks again
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Most women , undeniably on average , have a lower , often much lower , libido than their male partners , not bashing women , but most sexless marriages are wife refusal , even with men eager to please their ladies. A man SHOULD learn how to please a woman , understandably a woman won't want sex with a " two pump chump " , biology is the main factor. Women & men are poles apart in most respects mentally too , plus the world is a stressful , unforgiving place , stress kills the libido of BOTH genders , but a more marked effect on men.
This question came about because a male person I know has suffered for years in a sexless marriage, and simply put I feel sorry for him. I have watched it hurt his morale, his ability to be confident etc... I know he is best friends with his wife, but I also know he feels as if he is missing a big piece of what is important, and tries not to think about it, but I just feel bad for him. I asked him why he don't want to talk about it with her, but I guess some people just don't go there, or have more issues underneath it all... the topic fascinates me because these issues aren't discussed enough and that leads to cheating, and divorce, and therapy!!! Just sayin- thanks for your answer!!!
@miamigirl1970. Impressed with your response , you obviously do care for guys too , many , dare I say , most women don't !! Another factor too is that girls / women are bombarded with the message " sex is evil , dirty , filthy & wrong " , also you can't deny that the " media " ALWAYS portrays men as dumb , sex crazed , predatory retards , plus feminist anti male propaganda , this will subconsciously influence women to view men in a negative light ( hence my comment on most women having a IDGAF attitude even towards their partners ), male sexuality especially is portrayed as disgusting , perverted & predatory. As a single dad I'm so glad my libido has faded greatly , I will be celibate permanently due to my chosen situation , I don't ever want another relationship , dealing with my ex reminds me of that !!
I actually do care a lot about men. I grew up with stronger male friends than female friends. I am totally open about sexual issues, some people who are small minded, don't understand and believe I am "slutty" or something, but that is far from the case. These issues are the prime reason that we have so many people getting divorced. I always used to say, people divorce over kids, sex, or money... the only three reasons, and as I am getting older, I am finding that guys don't get there fair shake in the bedroom. You are correct, most women I think are fickle. They want a man to provide their needs in every way, but over look or don't want to discuss the needs of men. If you understand most men, they are complex creatures, who people make out to be mindless sex dogs... I have found that is not really true, but I believe in order for any marriage to work, there has to be open discussions, and women who don't want to have sex at all, should possibly consider
elsewhere because, why punish them? Maybe sex isn't important to everyone, it might just be a physical act, but I further believe in couples it can help stimulate and enhance the bond!
@miamigirl1970. Thank you !! It's not entirely the fault of women , they are conditioned to view men as lesser beings or simply as a utility , not a real person , the result is an increasing & rapidly growing number of men opting out of even interacting socially with women , let alone dating / pairing up ( so called MGTOW ) On the flip side , every solo woman I know wants nothing to do with men. Malignant social engineering is causing this growing divide.
Sex is a powerful drug for some and then you have the people who don't really care for it as much.
I don't care to have it everyday morning evening and night.. But I think that's because I think men idea of sex is them getting off.
So if I can't eat some pussy at lease every other day then it's a no no! I want my woman to feel she gets her man to pleasure her and it only be about her. I'm not always looking to bust one.
Now...
I once asked my granny to spare me the details but what does she thinks about sex and when was the last time her and my grand pops got down. Her answer still to this day amaze me. She said I'm not letting that man touch me with that thing! He haven't touched mine in years I forgot the last time. Go ask him why we're still together, so I did and he told me that my granny allowed sex outside the relationship. It kept them both happy, she didn't have to have sex and he got the sex he wanted.
I think this is acceptable more than people think. I tend to believe that a lot of marriages practice open ideas... even the "granny's" of the world. Guess it all boils down to each his own... thanks for the input, and I am glad Granny summed it up!
Everyone is different. Not everyone places as high a value on sex. If two people want to be married for fifty years and never once have sex, there is nothing wrong with that.
To some degree I think this is a case that the people who are most into it are the ones who talk about it the most. That's true with a lot of things. People who are really into sex talk about it a lot more. They talk about how great it is. They say it's a vital part of life. They can't imagine not having sex.
The people who aren't into it as much aren't the ones you hear about. So discussion on the topic leans toward being one-sided and gives a false impression.
I somewhat agree with you, however I am far from being in a sexless marriage, this was a question I wanted to pose because I know a man in one, and after hearing stories, you kind of begin to feel either sorry for the person ( and not just the men, but women alike) I am not saying that a marriage has to have sex all the time to be intact, but I do believe that the act of sex puts passion into the lives of the people trying to stay connected. I don't really have an impression, but was wanting anyone to weigh in that did, I find it interesting, and personally feel that if a marriage is sexless, before the spouse not getting it, goes out and cheats, they should at least open or entertain counseling or something to find out what is or is not the root cause...
Well sex is an important compatibility issue. People's desire for sex varies considerably. Even if they have sex, if one person wants it five times a day, and the other wants it once a week, that can be more of a problem than a couple where both only want it once a month, or even not at all.
If it's too lopsided, yea that can set up cheating. But as long as they are both on the same page, I don't see anything wrong with having sex once a month, or once a year, or not at all.
I agree with you, I just think that in my friends case it is way lopsided, causing him anxiety and the ability to consider "wandering" I just wish they had better communication. I truly believe that is what it is all about! Thanks
this is exactly where open-relationships are important. when both partners can't satisfy sexually each other ( due to any reasons) they should be open or selfless enough to let the other partner get the physical cravings from another source. I think this is what true love or unconditional love calls for... open relationship is how such marriages can be saved.
I don't disagree with all that you say, but the openess should be in the communication as to what is causing the problems between the couple, don't you think? There are a lot of open marriages for this reason I believe, however what happens then is people cross that dangerous line of "getting into deep" with their sexual partners... I don't know it seems like something that leads to a vicious circle to me- thanks for opening up those ideas, I am not closed minded about anything, so I appreciate your candor!!!
thank you @miamigirl1970.
its good people who can be open to other peoples view exists. I am in an open relationship with my current partner and we are happy. It ain't disgusting, neither pathetic.
I agree, I think it can possible salvage relationships actually. See my question today about Marriage becoming Obsolete... I truly believe it is becoming that way. I don't have a like or dis like about it, I just see that the whole institution is not what it used to be!
I think I could go completely without it for the girl I love right now. I would never have done something like that in the past. My mind was all about sex. Its amazing to have, but there's so much more to a relationship than that. Just spending time with your SO, talking, seeing them smile, laughing, hearing their voice, doing things together, quality time, being in love, feeling close, feeling safe, feeling home. Thats the true magic in a relationship. And no amount of sex can equate, make up for it.
As a matter of fact, my girl just broke it off with me. I plan on going celibate, that includes masturbation, porn, to prove to myself I can do it, that its not all that and that its truly the connection and the person that counts. And that if they count so much, that you could give up anything, do anything for them.
There was a time when I was at my wit's end. Late 20s and most of my 30s. I felt like a lot of time was wasted. Neither of us ever cheated. We had a lot of "state of the marriage" talks and I always expressed my dissatisfaction. She'd say "I'm afraid I'm driving you away from me." I'd finally say, "lookit, you're not participating. And I don't want this month's fuck just to shut me up for another month. You need to start having sex with me, not out of a sense of obligation, but because you want to." Actually, I said that a lot over the years. I don't know what changed, but it got better when we were trying to have kids (obviously) but it has just gotten steadily better even since then. But menopause is looming now. Don't know what I'll do if it takes away her libido; the last few years have been so awesome. Marriage is hard even when it's fun, but sexless marriage to someone you actually love is a real downer.
It's awesome you guys were able to work through that tho. So many people just quit and resort to divorce these days
@Puppylove94 Thanks! We both love the institution of marriage, so I never really *wanted* a divorce.
That would be tough. Sex can bring couples together, it burns calories, it releases happy endorphins etc, etc. I always figured and thought being married would help make a couple closure and happy. But I guess a lot of couples who are married are not happy with each other. I heard stories like that to couples having less sex. I guess they get tired of having sex with the same person.
Lol I am thinking the same that how can people live without sex? Damn If I had a wife and due to any reason she won't be intimate with me or have sex and wouldn't do anything about it I would be divorcing ASAP or ask her to give me permission to have sex with other girls... period! I don't care if I have kids...🤗
And whenever some guy asks a question about his wife not having sex ask girls here blame the guy or day stupid things like "if you love her you would accept her" 🤔😆
I say FUCK THAT SHIT 😁
Honestly I think that has a lot to do with this generation- which is also why divorce is on the rise
The only thing that has changed is casual sex. Sex is meaningless now- it's simply an act of pleasure. I think all of us are forgetting that sex for pleasure is a sin... I'm not super religious or anything but it makes sense. Most things with lot of pleasure comes with negative implications.
So all in all I think if casual sex would decline, people would be more happy in marriage, lower infidelity therefore lowering divorce rates as well
I could not handle that. I think it's unhealthy, that is much too long.
I think people have sex way too much early on. Even before they marry they have already had sex hundreds of times with their partner.
Sex used to be something to look forward too, now it is pre-requisite for marriage
I think making sex a more special experience and having it 1-2 a week in the beginning of a relationship makes the sex better and sexual attraction last longer.
With my past relationship we were having sex 5 times a week, and we both got bored of sleeping with each other. Sex became an obligation
I think it depends where you are in your relationship age wise as getting in 10 times a year in your 60s is different than in your 20, 30 and 40s.
But I wouldn't leave, I would try to address the situation and try to do more things to get her interested in sex and if she just isn't find out why and try to correct it.
I think your answer makes perfect sense, this is really in relation to a situation I am aware of, not mine personally, but what if the man in the situation doesn't address the issue with his wife, and feels compelled to cheat? IF the discuss and talk, and still nothing happens to change, do you feel that as a man, you would be held hostage, or would you continue in the relationship. I am talking about a marriage that is 20 years plus, and in their mid 40's... I am trying to figure out if the man is having an identity crisis, or if he is really miserable due to no sex? As a woman just trying to seek opinions-thank you
How is the man having an identity crisis when it's the wife that doesn't want to have sex? I don't know about miserable but he is probably unhappy especially if he doesn't exactly know why is wife stopped putting out or if it was a steep decline from sex to no sex. I don't think he will be compelled to cheat but resent might grow and effect other parts of the marriage that was strong.
Yes I agree, I believe if the couple really isn't having that much sex that could be that the relationship has some unhealthy issues that should be resolved. So I personally wouldn't just leave him right of the back unless I was seeing it as a crucial need at time... what would you do?
I think your answer makes perfect sense, this is really in relation to a situation I am aware of, not mine personally, but what if the man in the situation doesn't address the issue with his wife, and feels compelled to cheat? IF the discuss and talk, and still nothing happens to change, do you feel that as a man, you would be held hostage, or would you continue in the relationship. I am talking about a marriage that is 20 years plus, and in their mid 40's... I am trying to figure out if the man is having an identity crisis, or if he is really miserable due to no sex? As a woman just trying to seek opinions-thank you Personally, if my husband wasn't giving me sex, and we couldn't discuss reasons, or if the reasons weren't valid, I am honestly not sure... being my age, it is really truly different than being twenty...
Yea I mean I feel like there could just be a lot of factors to the situation of a sexless marriage so altogether it would just be difficult... I also just don't know how crucial sex is at 40/50 years of age or older. So how do you feel about sex & what's your sex drive at?
Sex in your 40's and 50's can be crucial... after many years of being married, if you don't have that little extra spark, I feel that one party or the other might feel slighted and possibly go out looking!
I'd want to explore what changed and try to rectify it. My guy and I are pretty compatible when it comes to sex... we both want it often. Aside form things that come up in any relationship from time to time, I'd wonder what changed so drastically to kill a libido.
Agree agree agree! The dumbest people i speak to are men or women who admit they have sex 1 x a month and are... Marrying? It AIN'T getting better!! But everyone likes to think they are so wonderful they don't want to accept they might not have sexual chemistry with a partner
It depends on the reasoning. If it were a health issue or something then no I would not leave. If it were just them not wanting sex ever after we have communicated about the issue and discussed the importance of it then I would have to think about it. I definitely would divorce first though before I went looking for sex outside of my marriage. It doesn't give me the right to be a bad wife or make my husband feel less than by my cheating.
If the marriage is going great but the partners are not having adequate sex or where they prefer to stop having sex , nobody should imply that they are not happy. It only means they are concentrated on other things that keep themselves and their family happy. If both the partners are not worried about their lack of sex , I think there is no problem for them to continue with their relationship. They are doing great. They can be truly happy with the situation.
I agree with your statements, however, if one party is truly miserable because of it, shouldn't it be addressed within the marriage?
If somebody is feeling really miserable , than that person has to seek his/her options. The person may request the other partner to allow him/her to have sex with someone else. and keep the marriage intact if the problem is only because of sex. If they cannot come to a mutually agreeable agreement , than the next option could be to break the marriage. Some people may not agree to have sex outside of marriage to satisfy their desire for sex. In such a case the marriage should be broken for good. And the two partners should separate for good.
My thoughts on these are very similar to yours but obviously if both partners agree all is good - If one has a higher sex drive, my thoughts would be maybe a partner with the lower libido could accommodate the higher libido person with non intercourse sexual pleasure.
True that it's not easy and makes your mind wander but if you believe in the insituation of marriage and if you believe in family and the future of kids and of THEIR kids, you would keep divorce or cheating as something alien to you.
I would echo almost to the word, the story from @qwertyKitchen except that we had kids relatively early.
I would stay. I would t be able to testify to the healthiness of the relationship but I couldn't divorce on the grounds of no sex alone
Do you believe that there should be open dialogue at least as to what is keeping him/her from sex?
Of course! Communicating and working together is what marriage is all aboutafter all.
I'd stay if it was otherwise a good relationship, but it would be a priority of mine to get that issue fixed. I'd never cheat.
i'm in one and no i dont cheat. as for being happy ill just say i'm not going anywhere. but i do wish there was more close passionate sex between us
I've done it, but only due to health reasons.
I can say that is one reason I believe people should not go out and leave their partner... You are a Stand UP Person!!!
Thank you, but I have to tell you that I would never tolerate a sexless marriage for any other reason, and if something happened to me and I couldn't meet my SOs needs, and she still wanted to be with me, I would encourage her to get her needs met elsewhere.
I am so glad to be getting a valid male opinion in our age group. I have a friend in his mid 40's. HE has had this problem for years, so he says. No health issue, it is like mental torture. I watch his self esteem be effected, and his ability to be confident sometimes. I am not sure why he won't seek counseling or help or work with his spouse, but it just makes me sad for him, and now I see why some men (and women if the roles are reversed) cheat. Just an interesting topic for me, and I thank you for taking the time to share your answers!
Sometimes it is kids, busy schedules, stuff like that, that limits opportunity for sex. Busy schedules also make people tired. It can be a case where it is no ones fault, and both partners understand this.
I'm in one.
No, i'm not happy about it, at all.
I feel for you, I asked this question because I have a male friend in one, and I believe he has married his best friend, but down deep he feels inadequate, and questions that part of his man hood...
Yeah, it was pretty devastating for a long time. I had to do a lot to work on feeling okay about myself. There's still a huge void in my life... but I don't feel as bad about myself as I once did.
Sec is totally useless. Its ony purpose is reproduction, ten times a year is a lot of it anyways.
Just cheat on your fucking POS husband. If he doesn't serve you like a man should serve a woman... he deserves to be homeless
Class Act that you are...
Still much better than your fucking husband... I'm going to beat him up
Yes, for the children.
So are you saying if it continues to be that way when the children are out, you would entertain leaving the marriage, or cheating or what? I am just curious on the topic because of knowing a few people that are involved in these types of marriages, and I believe especially when the woman does not have or withholds sex, it makes the husbands more prone to cheat... (women too by the way)
I'm in that boat and I am OK with it.
Like, isn't that most marriages?
Pretty much , yes !!
How could some one not want you
Awe, thank you, this was a question unrelated to me personally.
Oh sorry my mistake
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