Am I controlling if I don't like my girlfriend drinking?

[Bigolbastard]

I'm thinking back to old relationships and reflecting on them to make sure I'm not a bad partner. At the time, we were both under 21, and I didn't drink (enough to get drunk anyways), and still don't. I kind of wanted my girlfriend to feel the same as I did, but it's college so I just accepted it. But after a bit, I felt uncomfortable with it because we didn't go to the same schools, and I didn't like her not texting me all night, not letting me know when she got home, and being smashed. I told her she can still drink, get tipsy, etc. but she had to text me when she could, let me know when she got back, and not get smash faced drunk, and if she really wanted to do that, wait until she's with me (about once every month or two). Long story short, relationship turned toxic year 3, she lied about drinking and going out, screwed another dude, the usual.

Going into another relationship, whoever I'm with I don't want to drink like some sorority girl with Daddy issues. Maybe it's because I want someone who has similar feelings about alcohol as me, or maybe it's because that whole experience left me a bit untrusting. Either way, was I controlling in that relationship, and would I be if I were to have a similar rule in the future?

[Izzy97]

In every relationship, there will always come a time where you and your significant other will not see eye-to-eye on something. That's a problem, if you make it into one.

In this situation, she showed you signs that she wasn't interested in a relationship anymore. No calls. No texts. Heavy drinking. etc. etc.

Personally, I don't believe you were being controlling. Controlling is more forceful than what you displayed, if that makes any sense to you. As her boyfriend, you were just being concerned, and it showed that you cared.

To wrap up what I'm saying, when there is a problem similar to this:

Example: Girl wants to drink
, but guy disapproves.

Then, as a relationship, as teammates, you two should compromise and try to meet in the middle, where each person involved in the relationship is satisfied.

[kahlerjs]

I would say no you would not be controlling if that is your stance but make it known from day 1. The misuse or abuse of anything in life tends to start the "snowball effect" on a path to many more wrong decisions. I spent years being a drunk and what a waste of my life it was. Plus it tends to put unnessary stress on your body. There's nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks but beyond that things can spiral out of control quickly.

[Bigolbastard]

The day 1 thing is kind of what I try to do, but I go to college. Narrows my choices quite a bit.

[kahlerjs]

Don't settle because of that... Anyone who is willing to make you compromise your morals isn't worth being in a relationship with.

[btbc92]

No. Drinking is bad for you and it's clear that she is a party animal and uncontrollable of her actions. Why be with such a person? This is why I would never date anybody who parties, goes out at odd times, drinks, etc. You're not being controlling. You care about her. But you can't tell her what to do. You overall don't need to date somebody who crosses the line with your values. You're not bad. It's who your picking is bad. My advice is, figure out what type of person you NEED in relationships. Make your deal breakers list if you have to. Cut off people who meet's them no matter how good you are. If they have no desire to change, leave them to find somebody else who wouldn't care to tolerate their crap. And make sure they aren't Alcoholic's because she sure is one!

[dewatergirl]

You clearly cared about her. If she couldn't see that then that's her fault. It doesn't seem controlling at all. It seems like you didn't want anything bad to happen to her or for her to do things under the influence which she might later come to regret. When I met my husband it just so happened that she had the same views as me, we both will not touch alcohol or drugs and we also don't like wild parties and it is very nice having those same values. That is something important to let someone know from the getgo for your future relationships. I wish you the best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you can't set boundaries with people. People will make their own decisions, and although you are trying to protect your feelings, you are trying to control something you have no control over. If you want to set boundaries the right way, you have to find someone who has the same ideas as you and that has to be clear right away. If someone wants to drink and get trashed without you around and there is no trust or compromise established already, then you shouldn't be together in the first place.

[deraz24]

Not really controlling but I guess you just wanted her to be safe. I wouldn't want my man limiting me but I would understand, but I would also know how to control myself even when drunk bc I have before even when I was single. It just has to do with the person I think. I guess you could your next girl how you feel ab it and that's pretty much it

[PoliceLivesMatter]

I don't see how you were controlling. Excessive drinking causes people to do stupid things. You personally have experienced this, so any future girlfriend that has these tendencies, you'll be more wary because of your past. I'm kind of the same too.

[linds34]

It's your choice if you don't want to date someone who drinks. But it's not your place to tell someone what to do, so I'd say try to date a girl who already doesn't drink.

[Bigolbastard]

So how do I have a rule without telling someone what to do to some degree? If the ultimatum is breaking up, that can be very controlling.

[linds34]

I don't think telling someone what to do will work, but there are plenty of

[linds34]

*Plenty of girls who don't drink of their own accord. For religious reasons, or they just don't like it.

[ShortCircuit]

It's only controlling if you are forcing someone to give up alcohol when they don't want to. If they don't drink anyways, it's obviously not gonna make a difference to them.

Moral of the story: Only date people who don't drink. Problem solved.

[RachelleDraws]

No, that's perfectly fine not to want her to be an alcoholic. I wouldn't want my girlfriend to be that either.

[Anonymous]

Well it's understandable. But there's a difference between meeting someone similar. And outright forcing her not to drink. As not every girl is going to do that.

[Bigolbastard]

Problem is, if you're dating and you basically give an ultimatum: don't drink or I'll break up with you and find someone else who doesn't, that's a lot more forceful, isn't it? It's like it's impossible to have a rule in a relationship without being controlling.

[Opinion Owner]

But that's my point. It is controlling, so you either need to compromise or find someone who doesn't drink either

[Bigolbastard]

Well I'm not with her, so this is all in the past. I did try to compromise plenty. But none of it worked and she kept making me feel controlling no matter how much I tried to compromise. If you're already​ with someone, dating someone else isn't an option. I'm either controlling or I break up because she wouldn't so what I told her to, which makes me controlling. I lose either way.

[Opinion Owner]

Well not really. You shouldn't have to tell a girlfriend how to act anyway. And you shouldn't be with someone you don't trust anyway. It wouldn't be controlling if you trusted someone enough to let them be

[Chanel1981]

You just need to find a person with similar beliefs

[DirtyCowgirl]

If you do not let her drink at all, yes you're

She can drink