Is my girlfriend too sensitive or am I the problem?

[MrAlexxx]

I'm with my girlfriend for a year and 2 months, we always had problems with small issues and we would fight over anything. Every time I try to explain something I get called controlling or stalker.

Take this for example, last night I asked her if she got paid for work because it's her first job. She said no because she's getting payed cash in hand and is working on a back week ( for people who don't know what that is, In Ireland that happens when you start a new job, it means that if I work this week I'll get paid or it next week ) anyways I said okay you need to take note of your hours and the dates you worked. I wanted to make sure she's not losing money and has a good first experience. She stated arguing that I'm controlling and weird. I just repeated what I said about the job and she said okay okay ( moaning and groaning ) and said I'm busy I want to get off the phone.

I was trying to be nice and to look after her, I asked her could she call me for a few minutes and she did , I explained to her why I told her to do that in case she gets unnder paid but she kept arguing and calling me names like weird and annoying. I started to lose my cool and started raising my voice.

If I'm being nice to someone and I get called names I don't or can't control how I get angry , I'm not a violent person at all I get frustrated when she doesn't see my niceness.

She hung up the phone cause I raised my voice and I tried ringing her again to explain the situation because I didn't do anything wrong. She started crying and asked me to leave her alone. I'm sorry but I can't leave the person I love alone when crying , I wanted to make her stop and move on. She hung up again and never answered again for the night. I kept trying to get in touch with her ( I can admit I'm wrong there ) but all I wanted was to talk it out...

How am I I'm the wrong if I'm trying to look after her, someone please explain? Am I weird or she hypersensitive?

Am I wrong?

Is she wrong?

Updates

+1 y

Octagon you're right in a way, but it's easier said than done. Believe it or not but I've always tweaked myself for her needs and I can fully admit she doesn't have much respect for me. But I want a solution to the problem not how to break up...

[bobair]

You're not wrong for being concerned and caring.

And she's not wrong for being annoyed with you.

We don't CHOOSE how we feel, because it's not a choice. BUT we can CHOOSE how we act and behave. It's okay for you to FEEL frustrated and annoyed that she's not taking your advice. But it's NOT okay to ignore her complaints about your behaviours. If something you're doing is making her upset then it's your job to STOP and PAY ATTENTION. It's NOT your job to argue with how she's feeling.

I can appreciate that it seems like she's over reacting... your intentions are good and you seem to care for her. But your intentions don't really matter. It's what you're DOING that matters. A stalkers "intentions" are good too, that doesn't mean stalking is okay.

I recommend this...

1) It's okay to mention what you're feeling once. For example saying, "I hope you're tracking your time and stuff, I'd hate to see them cheat you out of some money." And when she seems annoyed that you're trying to control her, like her Dad might, then stop and move on. She has every right to feel what ever she wants.

What you did wrong was continue to argue with her about it, and then continue to call her about it. You're smothering her and it's gross. I get WHY you would do it... you're trying to get her to see your point of view. But what you're NOT doing is seeing her point of view - she's annoyed and doesn't want to talk about it any more.

When it doubt give a girl space. Trying to make her see your point of view is just you trying to be right and trying to manipulate her into seeing that you're nice, etc. Your job isn't to control her or make her think or feel anything... that's her responsibility. All you can do is the best you can.

I've been married and divorced and I can see how I did things like you're doing. It takes time to learn how to take a step back and relax. The sooner you can learn to do this, the more likely the relationship will survive.

~ Robby

[MrAlexxx]

Thank you, I can see what i did wrong now. I have left her along and have her space on a previous fight and I was told I'm ignorant and that I don't care about her feelings. I wanted to avoid that.

Either choice I make I'm wrong and that's why I came to the internet. It's very hard to please her because every little thing sets we off, she forgets about the pod and concentrates on the bad. But anyways I will take your advice

[bobair]

It's clear that you care and that you're working to make her happy, that's pretty awesome. I would highly recommend you don't spend too much time trying to "make her happy" simply because that's not your responsibly... we are all responsible for our own feelings and happiness. All you can do is be an awesome guy who's fun and honest and sincere.

It's not about what you're doing, it's about the results you're getting. If you don't like the results (maybe she's annoyed for example, and therefore she's unhappy) then change what you're doing.

I recommend a great book called the "5 love languages"that explain that there tends to be 5 ways people like give and getting love. If you can learn what you prefer, and what she prefers, you'll likely find a path in the middle that you both prefer! https://www.5lovelanguages.com

[Anonymous]

You're both immature.
She doesn't want the hassle of dealing with her job like a responsible adult. You are acting like her parent, instead of a concerned boyfriend, but reacting to her immaturity like a child.

Raising your voice is not a way to get your point across to anyone.

You gave her advice (which she didn't want) and it's her decision whether or not to act on it. You don't even get to say "I told you so" if the job stiffs her a weeks wage when it ends.

You certainly don't get to shift the argument onto whether or not someone did something wrong. Feelings can get hurt regardless of whether you did something wrong. And when you hurt someones feelings you should apologise. And that doesn't mean a passive agressive "Well, I'm sorry that you're upset" because we all know a bullshit apology when we see one.

[Anonymous]

I had a bf once who always wanted to tell me how to do things "for my own good" and he ended up really being mean and critical of me. More or less, he just liked feeling superior and dominating. There's nothing nice about bossing someone else around or constantly pointing out their flaws.

If she's had any experience with someone who went overboard with the control, she may be more sensitive.

[MrAlexxx]

Yeah her ex was controlling. And she hates it a lot, the problem is that I don't want to be controlling I think it's weird, I'm very chilled I just wanted to help her an to calm her down when she cried but I got called a stalker and controlling even though I was doing the "right" thing. I've given up, women are always right and you can't tell then they're wrong because you'll be called an asshole.

[Opinion Owner]

Why do you feel the need to tell her what to do and yell at her anyway? I'd hope she doesn't do that to you.

[Edgy_baker]

Your not wrong and to me it sounds like she needs to do some growing up, sounds like she's a young teen who doesn't want to listen to anybody I'm a young teen too but geez

[SomethingWicked]

If she's getting cash in hand and off the books, she's doing the double and will be underpaid. She probably knows this and thinks you're just over reacting.

[MrAlexxx]

She doesn't know that it was her first week and he had no clue and was confused because she didn't sign a contract

[SomethingWicked]

Didn't sign a contract and cash in hand = off the books which enables her to continue to claim benefits. The downside is you will often be fucked over where money is concerned.

[Octagon]

Your girlfriend is one hell of an arsehole and I have to ask you, Son, why are you with her? Why are you tolerating this crap from her? Is the sex really that great that you would sacrifice your self-respect for it?

Listen this girl doesn't respect you, she probably never has done and she probably never will do. She acts like this because she knows that you'll grovel to her despite knowing full well that she is in the wrong and you have done nothing wrong.

I can see no reason for you to continue to be apart of this sham of a relationship and I would implore you to get the hell out of this toxic mess while you still can.

[MrAlexxx]

Octagon you're right in a way, but it's easier said than done. Believe it or not but I've always tweaked myself for her needs and I can fully admit she doesn't have much respect for me. But I want a solution to the problem not how to break up...

[Octagon]

Well Good Luck to you with finding a solution, you're a 'better man' than I am, because I've have kicked this girl to gutter a long time ago.

[Mesonfielde]

She doesn't trust you and you don't seem to have given her a reason not to, so I voted B).

[Anonymous]

she probably felt like you were talking down to her