How can I get my boyfriend to be ok with my body goal?

Question

Hi everyone!
My boyfriend and I are together since 2013. I started going to the gym as my 2015 new year resolution and I got addicted after I saw how my muscle grew and how hard they become lol I took it more seriously for the past two years and I grew a lot. I talked to my boyfriend and I told him I want to grow bigger and more defined. He wasn't as thrilled as I hoped (he loves muscle on women). I'll post pictures to get a better idea:
I am like her in terms of muscle amount and definition

How can I get my boyfriend to be ok with my body goal?

And I want to be bigger and more muscular like this girl ore more:

How can I convince him, I don't want to lose him neither to stop myself from doing what I like?

trh89 · Accepted Answer

Honestly it's probably due to the fact that your muscles are bigger than his (if this isn't true disregard the rest until the end)
I lift myself and consider myself decently muscular compared to 95% of other guys I see around town. If I had a girlfriend who started lifting while we were together I'd be ecstatic. Maybe I stop working out as much and she keeps it up and over time she gets bigger than me, then I'd probably start to feel insecure about my "manliness" due to my girlfriend having bigger muscles. That's probably what's going on with his feelings towards it. He might feel insecure and emasculated by the situation, especially when you tell him your goal is to get even bigger and leaner than you already are. If he was already feeling that way then you telling him that makes those feelings even worse. That's probably what's going on in his head.

Now, this bit isn't about him but about you. Clearly, lifting for three years consistently has completely transformed your physique. Congratulations, that's a huge accomplishment!!! I don't know what "supplements" you use but 1.5-3 or 4 years of consistent lifting is the generally agreed time period for reaching your "natural limit." With this information, you're very close to (if not at) your natural limitations for muscle growth. You'll only be able to see minimal progress with growth through long bulking and cutting seasons from here on out if you stay natural (or if you even still are, I don't know your story)
What I'm getting at is that the physique of the girl in the second picture is only attainable through the use of performance enhancing drugs. You probably know that women produce much less testosterone than men, thus making their natural limit for muscle growth to be less than what a male could achieve doing the exact same things. The only reason I say this second girl is on performance enhancing drugs is because she has the arm and shoulder development of a lot of natural male bodybuilders. Also, a huge sign of steroid use in females is the vascularity of her veins around her genital area.

I'm not saying that you won't be happy with your natural limit's physique, but you've already made most of your muscular gains in these past three years. In order to be realistic and achieve the physique of picture 2 you will need to be on PEDs. That's your decision in the end.

TL;DR: your boyfriend is insecure because you're bigger than him (probably) and you'll have to get on roids if you want the second girls physique

RationalMale · Accepted Answer

Here's the thing. It's masculine. It's not feminine. Can women get fit and toned and be feminine? Sure! But it's a line. look at Gina Carano--fit, strong, could hold her own in a fight.
schmoesknow.com/.../gina-carano-12.jpg

When you get muscular and ripped like those women you posted, not only does it look like a masculine body, the testosterone effects and such will have other impacts. It will literally make you look closer to a man.
www.t-nation.com/.../Bodybuilder.JPG?ts=1438804931

See... he may like you, but unless he's a schmoe (the word for the fetish men who like manly women) or gay, he's not going to be attracted to you if you actually got ripped.

Maybe you two should just be friends with benefits until he's not attracted to you anymore! It would be a great compromise!

Lily_Pi · Accepted Answer

Everyone has their limits. He might not find that attractive. He may think the level your at right now is fine but anything moree may be a turnoff for him. Somethings can't be helped and you can't force him to like something they don't like. If you gagged Everytime you had a Apple and hated them you probably wouldn't start liking them just because someone tells you to. I think this is less about making him like you that way and more about what is ultimately going to make you happy. If you feel like you really want to do that with your life and you don't want to hold yourself back for him than you have to be willing to loss him as a consequence. You might not loss him but it is a possibility. If you feel that way let him know that's what you want to do, tell him it's important to you and that's what your going to do and that you want to be with him but your not going to put your dreams on a backburner for him. If he really loves you and he can handle it he might stick around, if not c'est la vie. That's a decision you have to make. Ultimately you can't change his mind. Decide what's most important to you and what your not going to weaver on and stand by it. Yeah, it would really hurt to lose someone you love but if this is your dream you can't just push it aside to make someone else happy. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices even if they hurt. It's a hard choice. I hope you find the path you want to travel.

i_am_shyvana · Accepted Answer

Well let me start off by saying I am a bit like you, I love to go to the gym and build defined muscle and get overall stronger (however I really can't go like every day because I don't have a car and the gym is a ways away). I can totally understand your passion. And about your boyfriend-- if the guy breaks up with you because he doesn't support what YOU love to do, then I can't find a better way to put this, but he's a bit of a douchebag. But if he doesn't plan on breaking up with you regardless, then I guess it's a win, because you don't lose him and you still get to do what you love to do. But all in all, it comes down to this: which one? Boyfriend or passion? Again, if he wants to break up with you because, and repeat these words, 'he doesn't want you doing what you love to do' then he is simply a douche. Whether or not you want to be with someone knowing that they don't support you is up to you.
But if you want to make him feel better about the whole situation, I guess long answer short, just explain to him that it's what you love to do and that you hope he supports you.

x_Pretty_x · Accepted Answer

Muscle on women is nice when it's feminine. Too much in my opinion, is kinda grosse. I personally think your already past that feminine line. I can pretty much guarantee your boyfriend will feel like he's dating a man, that's why he isn't so thrilled about it. I think a lot of men will feel the same. I've seen similar posts and facebook posts of women your size or more muscular and there is maybe 1% of men that don't mind it. The rest found it a turn off and disgusting. Please don't take what I said to be mean. Sometimes blunt gets the point across better. Maybe you should really consider your goal and if it's worth your relationship. If it really means that much to you, to keep working out and getting bigger then you may have to rethink your relationship with your boyfriend. Best of luck to you

smokeandberry · Accepted Answer

Damn, firstly good job the amount of work and dedication you've put in has certainly paid off 👏🏼

It's kinda rare for men to find muscular women attractive so it's good that your boyfriend does - maybe he just has levels as what he finds attractive?

Or maybe if he's a gym guy too he's worried your gonna be hitting better targets than him 😉

None of us can really tell you though, just bring up the topic again and break it down into little details to find out if he is actually bothered by it or if he simply doesn't mind either way.

Allie_Oops · Answer

He probably isn't ok with it because he's not gay and doesn't want to date a man. That second picture is a man body with bee sting tits.

HOWEVER, it is your body, and you should do what makes you happy. But you don't get to tell him if he likes it or not.

Apope16 · Answer

I wouldn't find it attractive at all. I dont find the pics attractive. that doesn't matter. You deserve to be with a guy who's into what you're into.

coachTanthony · Answer

He is either into that or he is not... better to find out now then later.

SnapTsch · Answer

I am completely aware that you might not even read this or notice this is the sea of opinions,
But I think this might be a case of 'muscle dysmorphia',

www.mirror-mirror.org/muscle-dysmorphia.htm

And I dont think he is wrong, neither are you.
I'll explain.
He fell for a lady back in 2013, she became addicted to working out in 2015, and as he loves muscle on women he was fine with that, but her addiction turned from wanting to be fit to wanting to be big.
Here is the problem, men are visual creatures, he loves you for a certain personality on a certain body type, but now you are messing up the equation because he is neither seeing the same personality nor the same physique.
Now your personality has an added attribute of addiction and your body is going to transform from a woman's body to man's body. So basically you are not really being the person that he loved anymore.
And when you aren't the person he loved anymore, dragging him through this would be cruel.

Now from your perspective, you are just the same person, with a bigger body, but you are failing to realize your addiction and that your focus is not getting fitter, but bigger. You don't realize how much you have changed and you won't realize how big you are getting because you will never be big enough in your own eyes, and to be honest, the lady in the second picture isn't sexy or sensuous to a majority of men.

But none of this matter since its gonna get lost anyways 😅

Bottom line, with you changing as a person, your compatibility is changing too, because attraction and compatibility aren't the same things and are completely independent from each other.

rtlm368 · Answer

Why do you want to get that big? I was addicted to body building. I'm thin build but was lifting for three years. Went from 150lbs 8% fat gained 40 lbs lean muscle mass. I still looked skinny when I looked in the mirrow. But I was hugh for my frame I was never big enough. Then I blew out a disc benching 290lbs on the incline. You will never reach your body goal. You'll never look big enough in your mind. It happens to the best of us... This is a little off topic , but something to consider. Do you know with that much muscle there is hormone displacement? A woman's body won't get that big without juice. What are you taking? Oral or injectable roids? Your estrogen level goes way down , testosterone spikes , you lose your monthly cycle. It can mess with you emotionally and physically. Women are not physically built for that amount of lean muscle mass. As some men are naturally muscular and cut without the gym. that does not apply to women in natural assignment. If your doing that amount of muscle gain without help from modern chemistry. You must have one hell of a nutritionist and trainer. I like how women look when they have definition and a little lean mass. but that bulky, I don't think it looks feminine. Too much of a good thing can be bad in more ways then one.
Just my 2C's. If your juice'n becareful and I hope your under a physician care. Gluck !

ManMountain · Answer

It is great to have a passion. It gives life meaning and adds happiness. You are only young once so you need to follow your dreams while you are able, unrestrained, healthy and motivated. You owe it to yourself to pursue it. There will always be sacrifices you have to make. If you continue on let life decide for you the outcome... that is called living. Relationships come and go. Dreams crushed are gone forever if left to late.

He may change his mind overtime but with greater commitment may mean less time for him so you will need to manage it. Life without balance is not life it is an obsession. Towards a competition date your obsession will grow so you will need to prepare him so he knows what your needs will be but be aware of his. He may not like the cut look but like the smaller u.. the cut look is temporary so it may be ok. When you return to a more natural body fat percentage he may still be okay with it but the size may be a factor. Only time will tell.

Never be afraid someone will leave you. Know life always goes on, always has something else for you around the corner.

Beware of the pitfalls of entering this world.

Be realistic with your goals. Many do not realise that besides hard work genetics is the sole determinant for success in the world of bodybuilding.

Lastly your boyfriend might start to view your body as being so masculine it would seem like he's literally sleeping with another man and that others will think he has gay tendencies.

Anonymous · Answer

Well i can say with confidence that you cannot look like that year round, the pictures you see are of an athlete or female bodybuilder in her BEST condition she has ever been in. She is at very low bidyfat due to cutting carb and no water due too cutting sodium. You see these pictures are of female bodybuilder which been aiming to get like that there whole life they duet down for a show they only look like that for about max 2 month just enough for contest. Because what they doing to get like that is to intense uno cutting carbs saLt etc and working out extremely hard the body gives in and they start eating carbs because body can only sustain the diet and exercise for short amount of time. That why some take steroids. I hope you don't even consider Cz you will die prematurely. Using chemicals to look like that is common the fitness industry is soon misleading. One guy I know even said a women in his gym had butt implants she was in gym 2 hours the whole time just taking pictures of her fake ass for instagram never even done any working out. What your seeing isn't normal they diet down train for years just to look like that for a contest straight after they binge eat and get back to normal within days Cz to intense for body to sustain for long... boxers for example train really hard close to match then after they chill live life Cz it not normal to run your body to it limits it to intense

Anon-ymous1 · Answer

I'm honestly amazed that you're not happy as-is. You look great. In my opinion you don't need anything else to happen to you. But hey, it's you, you do you.

Here's the thing though: Even though he likes girls to be toned, he clearly doesn't like them to be bulky, and that isn't going to change. Standards of attraction shouldn't have to change so you can be with someone. So either he accepts what you want or he doesn't, but he shouldn't have to change his mind-- and he's not going to. If it's too much, it's too much. You may have to talk to him more about it. Good luck.

JamesS1980 · Answer

You used the word "addicted" - looking at the second model, I can see why he'd worry. The first woman is beautiful, the second? No thanks, that's just too extreme.

I'm typing this having just got home from the gym myself (been going since July), so it's not as if I dislike muscles or exercise, but it's possible to go too far - and the lower pictures represent "too far", in my opinion.

Ultimately, it's your body and your choice - but for me, the first woman looks much better than the second, so don't be surprised if your boyfriend feels the same way.

Burner1992 · Answer

Nothing wrong with being fit and wanting muscle mass and definition, but with it comes ideals from others.

Overall, muscle on men looks more attractive than it does on women, and on top of that there's a threshold for both where people exponentially start viewing your gains as a detractor.

Overall, people (especially men) look for women with a toned or "tight" look without being too muscled. If you're looking to pass what he considers the threshold it will affect his attraction towards you so be ready to make that choice. However, it is very hard to gain that kind of muscle as a woman without "enhancements".

Whatever choice you make, best of luck to you.

everdream · Answer

How do I put this...
There's not a lot of men that like suck muscular figures like the second one. Personally, the cost one is already about to break my limits. You have to understand that most people have an idea of what their ideal partner is supposed to look like, and if you stray too far from that, he might not be attracted to you anymore. Looks always play a role in attraction to some extent, and at this point, I think you have to choose between one or the other. It's definitely possible to convince him, but I suspect it'll be an uphill battle, shoveling sand against the tide, you get the idea. The only thing I can think of is to convert him into a gym rat of the same, ah, passion as you.

Jaximus-Lion · Answer

Baby steps! It will take time the build the muscles and to get the boyfriend on board. Show him what you are aiming for, explain it to him many many times, try to find ways how to explain your goals. He does like the muscle already what is stopping him from joining the club?
I do workout a lot too and got kinda big but i reached my goal, my wife don't even know how a gym looks like but she respects my goal as long it doesn't affect our relationship. Good job and keep on gaining i do respect a female body builders a lot. Hope things go alright between you two.

Professor_Zoom · Answer

The thing is how much muscle does he like on women. Because there’s muscle, then there’s bodybuilding muscle. Not saying that you should stop. If you’ve found something that makes you feel great about yourself, well that’s a good thing. At the same time though, physical attraction is very important, and it’s possible that you’re losing something, or going beyond, that thing that made your boyfriend physically attracted to you. What I’m getting at is, you may not be able to convince him to be okay.

C2000 · Answer

To be honest you can't force a man to be okay with something like this. Even if he is technically OK with muscle on females maybe he just doesn't see himself with you as one of those girls. Maybe you have something about you that they don't and he likes.

If you want to sit and talk with him then be nice and calm and not defensive regardless of what he may say and find out why he doesn't support your goal.

In the end what you want and he wants may not be a perfect match and you may need to find a balance between what you want and what he is comfortable with.

carlit0sway · Answer

Well do you want your boyfriend to keep loving you? Or to stay attracted to you? If he really loves you then he will always have those feelings for you as long as you are the same person. Now if you get super jacked it will be a case of you not being the same girl he fell for on a physical level. It is the same as if you were in great shape and then got really chunky. This is likely going to ne a coin flip on his part, but if it was me, I would really struggle to remain attracted to a girl that started looking like the second girl you posted.

Lavinnykins · Answer

I'm afraid to say that trying to make someone like something they don't like, is near impossible. Having such a high percentage of body muscle may just be something your boyfriend isn't a fan of and you'll need to discuss it carefully with him, just explaining why you want to achieve that and the benefits outweighing the negatives. All I can assume is that he remembers how your body was/is and would rather you stayed a constant instead of being more defined and muscular. Understandably, it's something you want to do but don't forget, once you start, you need to keep it up and please don't turn to using various drugs and pills to 'enhance'!

Curiousbynature31 · Answer

Hmmm a lot of guys have a hard time when a woman goes from muscular woman to more of a womany man. I think at this point you may be crossing that line. A guy will find what he finds attractive. If your boyfriend can’t support what you want maybe he isn’t the right guy. But, also realize drastic body change is hard to accept and it does sound right now you might be starting to be obsessive with it. Perhaps it’s not the look for him but he sees something unhealthy starting. If that is the case, stop, look deep because others see a problem before we do.

ADadAtHome · Answer

Welcome to relationships. Sometimes prioritizing what you like can lead to a critical failure in a relationship. You can't change him, you can only decide if furthering your goals is worth potentially doing alone. The answer may be yes, or it may be no. But you can't fault him. This is exactly what people mean when they say, 'we grew apart'. You got new goals that didn't match his and it might take you in separate directions if you aren't at the point where you each are ready to prioritize each other other yourselves.

dragonfly6516 · Answer

If he's not attracted to the type of woman you want to be, then you're no longer compatible as a couple.

Welcome to a common, healthy, and normal part of dating. People grow and change, this is an expected cause of breakups in younger people.

No one did anything wrong, no one is a "bad" person, you're just growing apart. Decide now which is more important to you: yourself or him. If you choose yourself, don't feel guilty even for a second, because there is someone else out there who will want you.

Moray · Answer

You wrote he wasn't thrilled but is he clearly against your body goal? Does he support you or feel that you shouldn't do it?
Maybe he feels insecure and inferior to you when he hears about your body goal, he might feel less masculine when you'll be that built. Or then he is just concerned about your health.

In any case, it comes down to whether he really likes you regardless of what you do or look like.

How can I get my boyfriend to be ok with my body goal?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

How can I get my boyfriend to be ok with my body goal?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.