Caught my boyfriend using Tinder behind my back, am I stupid for giving him a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Last Friday I catfished my boyfriend, because I saw something on his phone what looked like Tinder, but I wasn't sure. I created a fake profile and it took me about a week to find him. I swiped right, and we were a match (again, because I actually met him there). I received a text: Hey, how are you sexy?

I confronted him and he kept saying it wasn't him and that it must be some kind of joke. He wouldn't let me look in his phone, because of a "matter of trust". Wasn't buying it so after about three hours, he finally confessed. He said he did it because he was insecure and needed some kind of ego-boost. He cried for about an hour, said he never met with any girl or exchanged numbers, that it was going on for two weeks, that he was just chatting and ended up comparing all the girls to me and realized I was still the one for him. I watched him delete the profile.

Seems like all the other "help my boyfriend is on Tinder" cases, but this one's a little different, because I have borderline personality disorder. Not a very heavy version, but life's been tough on us lately. He is always there for me to help, but most of the time it's hard for me to accept his help. I reject him a lot. Won't let him hug me when I'm down, get triggered easily and start fights over stupid things. I know it's wrong and I'm in therapy for that. Sometimes he joins my therapy sessions and we talk about it a lot. He's such a good guy, I couldn't wish for anyone better. Except for this Tinder matter.

Now he's trying to show me that he loves me, that I'm good enough for him, that it was a stupid mistake and it won't happen again, that he has no idea what he the hell he was thinking. Keeps saying he's sorry and it seems honest to me. We talk about it a lot, also about what I could do to make him feel appreciated. I really want to learn to trust him again, but it's hard. I'm really hurt. How do I know it's not going to happen again? Am I stupid for giving him another chance? What should I do?

Updates

+1 y

Some background information: We're together for over a year now and we live together for almost six months. I'm 24 and he's 27 years old.

[FutureTrunks]

From what you said about yourself, I don’t think you’re really ready for a real relationship. You need to work on yourself first. You already have a lot you’re dealing with on your own and being in a relationship isn’t making it any better. You need to be in a place mentally and emotionally where you’re fully able to receive and give the proper love needed in a relationship.

As far as the question, it was wrong for him to be on Tinder and it was wrong for you to create a fake profile just to catch him in the act. If I’m reading it correctly, didn’t you say that y’all initially met through Tinder? I won’t throw my assumptions around, I’ll just speak on the facts. You’re personality disorder isn’t an excuse for him to go on a dating app messaging people “hey sexy”. If he did it with your fake profile, 9/10 he’s done it with others he matched with. Cheated or not. Met up with anyone or not, it’s obvious what his intentions were. All the cute things he said... I don’t wanna say that it’s not genuine but still... he went on there with a specific goal and he was fully aware of that the entire time. He probably really does have insecurity issues but personally speaking , at a young age... that shouldn’t be your baggage to deal with especially when he results in getting attention from other females as a result when he could’ve talked to you about the issue prior to you catching him in the act.

I can’t tell you what to do, just offer you perspective but I do think y’all are leading with y’all emotions and this can eventually become toxic

[Asker]

Thank you for your honesty. I know I'm not really ready for a relationship, but I thought I was when we first met. Then I fell in love really bad, before finding out that it may be too soon. But at that point I was too attached to him to even think about letting him go.. I just really hope this was a one time thing and we can come out stronger.

[FutureTrunks]

You’re welcome. If you choose to stay, make sure y’all both make it a priority to communicate better.

[samhradh_leannan]

Sometimes people deserve a second chance. You can only find out for sure if you try giving them one.

After reading your entire question, I think it's possible that your boyfriend is now being honest and was in fact just seeking an ego boost. Of course, it's also possible that he was just covering his tracks, or that he won't change his ways. But I am a forgiving person and I think if I was in your shoes, I'd probably give him a second chance. That said, I'd expect him to be a little more open about his phone and other devices while trust is being reestablished.

[Asker]

He promised me that from now on, I can look in his phone whenever I want. I'm not planning on doing so, but it's nice to know I can. I feel like he's really trying to make things better. I hope we can come out of this even stronger, knowing how fragile love can be, and what's at stake. And he knows that there's not going to be a third chance.

[samhradh_leannan]

That sounds promising. Of course, there are ways to hide your behavior by deleting search history and stuff like that. But if he seems sincere, that's good. Just keep your eye out until he has fully earned back your trust.

[Asker]

Yeah that'll probably take a while.. But I'm willing to try. I'll keep my eyes open. Thank you for your reaction.

[samhradh_leannan]

I've had experiences where giving someone a second chance was the right choice. And I've had experiences where it was the wrong choice. I hope it turns out to be the right choice for you. Good luck!

[333Advisor]

Advise: I'm sorry to hear that, but I do have a solution for you. I'm going to be brutally honest with you hun. There are one and many people who log unto girls Ask guys only to find an excuse to continue to wallow in self-pity,
and you're probably hoping for "It's okay; it's probably not a big deal." But, as I said I'm going to be brutally honest with you.
SO, the problem you have with your boyfriend, hun, is your boyfriend thinks you have a loose vagina. So there you go. The honesty. Take it how you will...

[333Advisor]

ANd must I add I come in the name of Jesus Christ. WIthout him I would not be able to have this gift to share with you all who are in your darkest moments, so trust me I am very thankful.

[Asker]

What do you mean with "a loose vagina"?

[333Advisor]

What I'm saying is your boyfriend thinks you have a loose vagina... but take it as you will---it's your freedom

[440SuperCharged]

First hand experienced and yes on the male side, female cheater, loyalty is loyalty no matter how much crap you spin on it. No you do not need to up your sex game, has nothing to do with loyalty. If he went as far as messaging he already had his echo stroked with a like or two replying. When he decided to message the deal was done. Trust me a cheater never changes, they will change you -they say it was all your fault, but reality it is them and their dark hearts. Pack your stuff and find a good man.

[hahahmm]

Dump him. He was looking to cheat and he lied to your face.
Even if you want to take him back you have to show that you’re not a doormat and that his actions have huge consequences.

But given your age & length of relationship just move on and find a better guy. This is your best move.

[ITKing]

It's your fault he started using tinder again bc of how you treat him. You basically explained how he's a good man to you and, in turn, you act like a bitch to him (i. e., he can't hug you, fights start easily, you reject him a lot). He must still see something in you bc he chosen to find another woman opposed to just leaving you with your own drama. I promise you he will be active again. Stop making yourself out to be the victim... he's the victim for the very reasons you mentioned.

[radrio]

Ego boosting from online dating apps is a real thing. Many men and women want matches for ego boosts. Those that do almost never go through with matches.

You are not stupid to give a second chance. Now he knows not to cross that boundary. If he does it again... then be worried. Be very worried. Do not give a third chance.

[TheTroubleMaker]

If you ever did I mistake and tried everything to fix it, would you like to have a second chance? We all make mistakes but only the best try to fix it for real... But yeah... That's my opinion, and you only to the same mistakes once... I hope he don't forgot it

[eaglemaddog112]

I'm sure he knows it's not cool. If you believe he was just after some attention than maybe it's something you can work on together.

When guys ain't getting what they want it's to easy to get it from else where. I'm not saying all do but if guys were completely honest they will admit to this. Woman are the same. Once we as people are use to something and it's not received and is offered elsewhere, people will wonder.

[Miristheiss]

Yes, I think you are stupid. Are you scared you won't find someone else? You've got to be able to find better than him. I'm 90% sure he'll betray you again.

[Wollu]

No you are not stupid. It's like window shopping. But be careful. You might have to improve your sex performance. :D

[LunerBlood]

If you think he goes back on... I think you should do it again and see if he'll meet you. And then pretend to be the fake girl and see if He’ll roleplay and realize you give him everything he needs. He will love u more.

[WhoDatGuy]

Maybe it is just a ego boost? But at the least he's crippled your trust. Give him a chance to prove his loyalty to you

[WiggleWasser]

If he is on Tinder, it means you are not doing a good job of being his girlfriend. You need to up your sex game.

[Kataliakos]

Let it slide. He loves you and you pushed him away. Give him what he needs and he will be loyal.

[artlover1990]

Try to have a serouis talk but make him clear that you are there for him

[boggboss]

For the reason he gave yes kinda silly

[boggboss]

But all men can change he may be sorry best of luck

[Asker]

Are there really good reasons?

[boggboss]

True

[Mexicoman101]

Yes, you would be very stupid to.

[Crankor]

Ha yah that won't change.

[leifleoden]

Not until he gives herpes, then you're stupid.

[AlexDelux]

Everyone deservs a second chance. Everyone.

[Tohhru]

some people just don't deserve second chances

[williamvan]

Yes... leave that little bitch

[CrazyyChick]

he sounds pathetic

[Nahid1234]

Yes. 😊