How to help my boyfriend with depression who has no motivation to do anything?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has pretty severe depression which was well managed with medication, but now he’s hit a low point again.

He is currently unemployed, and has no motivation to do anything. The only time he leaves his house is to come see me, which is slowly becoming more infrequent. He has no routine. He goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at midday, and then naps again in the afternoon. He avoids staying kempt. He dresses messily and avoids shaving etc.

It’s really hard to watch him like this. I want to help him but I don’t know how? I think applying for jobs and working again will really help him but he can’t find the energy to do anything anymore. Help please?

[CurLyF]

Maybe you should convince him to go talk to a professional. Sometimes it's hard to talk about these stuff with close persons because yuo are afraid they might get offended or you are too honest and they take it personally (I have depresion too). I know this most be hard for you as well, it's not easy loving someone with depression. He needs to get a routine back into his life. Maybe he could sign in a gym, or you two can go running or something. Excercise is really good for depression because of the chemicals you realease and it also helps with your self esteem. Find a way to get him moving but also talk to him and tell him that you will be there holding his hand no matter what, but the only person who can truly help him is him. Help him look for a job that's related to the area he likes, even if it's not that well paid, it will be so much better for him if he does something he likes, at least to get him our of this crisis.

[CurLyF]

Thanks for MHGs

[FarinaLee]

Be his friend for now, not his girlfriend.
Have him sign up at an unemployment one stop job training program. Also get him into exercise, like walking on a track it will help with his depression.

It's never your job to motivate any man, depressed or not. This is his problem that you can also join a help group for depressed people to support him but don't enable the disease of depression and professionals will show you how to keep accountability in his corner and positive activities that he can do to not isolate himself. He can also do a vision board to keep his spirits up while looking for employment. He can take free training classes as well. but he's going to need a routine assessment which might mean a social services casemanagment or a social worker.

[4pple]

This is a difficult situation, because it won't just change overnight, or even just within a week.
The best thing you can do is support him, and be there for him. When he feels bad and has no energy, cuddle with him, make him feel you're there. Depression makes you feel extremely isolated and alone, so by actively showing him you're there for him and love him it'll help him regain some energy.
If he needs to cry, let him cry on your shoulder, he needs to let out his feelings instead of bottling them up.
You can't change his depression by yourself, but you can be his companion through it and help him avoid loneliness. I won't lie, it will be very difficult on you, but if you really want to help him, even if it's just a little bit if help, you just need to give him support and love whenever you can.

[tysthename]

It might hurt to hear this but he doesn't need your help and you in all honesty can NOT help him, as much as you want to as much as you love him, you simply can't. He needs professional help and he needs to find a reason to live again, to find purpose in life, if it doesn't happen it will start becoming a very toxic relationship, your love for him will slowly turn into resentment, you need to intervien and if he's not open for change then I'd suggest you reevaluate your relationship because it's going to become really unhealthy for you really fast.

[Whatthefluff]

I'm in the exact same situation as you except it's my brother. Encourage him to do things, be a person he can talk to and be supported, have an optimistic presence, and call 911 if you think he's going to hurt himself. Good luck, I hope your situation gets better.

[hannah90909]

He is gonna feel more depressed if he sits and does nothing and it's not helping him with having no routine you need to try and get a sleeping pattern going then try and get him out the house with doing things he likes doing even if it's jut going to the shop to get food depression is all a mind set so it all depends on what your surroundings are like as well if you sit in you room all day doing nothing you are gonna over think and feel down but if your out doing stuff your brain is likely to overthink and only think about what your doing why you are out

[BirdFan360]

I am not qualified to help, but since I've been there in your boyfriend's shoes so to speak, I can offer my 2 cents.

Have him do small jobs. Cleaning up your room, taking a shower and doing the laundry. Washing the dishes and making food on a stove. Sweeping and cleaning up in some areas. Organizing where needed. The results are instantaneous and can brighten up your immediate living area, immediately improving mood.

One step at a time, he has to do this. It will be the first steps out of that slump. It's how I got out of my slump. I did it to Lofi hiphop beats, but that's optional I guess.

My experience, may not apply here but its my 2 cents.

[ShesAmerican]

You need to understand that depression is never an easy thing. It’s very debilitating. Just be there for him when he needs you and don’t force him to do anything that he doesn’t like. Even if it’s his job. He doesn’t have the right mindset to have a job and it can be mentally exhausting. Try to be patient

[allison13]

I would read a ton of books that get me into the mind of a depressed person—mostly memoirs or novels about people with mental illness. Or even documentaries of there are any. Then I’d try to see things from their perspective and then just try to support them as best as I can. I’d let them know if they’re being too much but I would be a little more patient knowing what’s going on in their own heads.

[allison13]

I myself am prone to manic and depressive episodes (not extreme, but disruptive enough sometimes to keep me from functioning at 100%). There are days when I may seem both manic AND depressive at the same time because every single bad thing everyone’s every said to or about me or could say to or about me flows in a constant stream in my head so much that I can’t focus or get anything done when I’m trying to get a lot done. So you feel terrible about yourself and yet you’re trying to make up for it at the same time by keeping busy, while also thinking you’re useless and would be better off dead (sometimes).

[Anonymous]

You're pretty much describing me in every way. I don't have a solution for you. I started making real progress and then fell back down.

In the end she left me once my money ran out. She still owes me around 400 dollars and would certainly have lost her jobs without me to give her my car when hers broke down. I had been really questioning if she loved me for a long time, so at least now I know. Make sure he knows you love him. Don't just say it. The comments about sex have no idea what they're talking about.

My ex and I sat down and talked about how worried she was. It got me going but she saw improvement, and thought it was going to keep going. Depression doesn't just go away. I'm sorry to say this is going to always be a problem. By the time my ex knew how broken I was, she didn't care.

[klumpii-v]

U should be enough motivation for him to want to be better.
I dont even have a girlfriend and i try harder everyday to be better a future girlfriend if/when that days comes.
This bugs me cause i lost a girl once because i didn't try hard enough to be better. He will regret his decisions when get to a point that he's not worth helping anymore

[dobbie131]

I have been in your boyfriend's position and honestly you can't do anything it wasn't untill I hit rock bottom after my fiance got pregnant then aborted the child because of my situation and then subsequently left me that I started pulling my self togeather!

The best you can do is make him go to a doctor and get some counseling

[beechman2129]

That's what happened to me. I was laid off from my job and I had to move back home with my parents. I also turned 26, so i had to start paying my own health insurance. It sucked looking for a job everyday but it was necessary. I did every odd job I could find and felt like I was helping out. He needs a sense of purpose, which he is lacking now. He feels like a failure. Go to him and try to talk about small things to get him moving.

[NextlevelApex]

Exactly. Leaving him would make me wonder about him becoming suicidal. What would you want him to do if you were in his position?

[beechman2129]

He would need a second opinion from a doctor. Then Try to start involving him in things to get a sense of purpose again.

[janna_jcb]

Try to talk to him about it, and maybe help him build a routine. Also getting a therapist (if he doesn’t have one already) could be very beneficial. I have been depressed too, and I didn’t want to do anything either. It really helped me if my friends thought of really fun things to do together or just sit on the couch with me. Not being alone makes depression a lot easier to deal with

[Nieko]

I personally have depression and the way my girlfriend helped me was to make me feel like someone was their for me, like someone was gonna be by my side through the grand ol game of life. That what helped me but I can't promise if it will help him I give you good luck.

[Dave21179]

Turn the ball around. Tell him to do nothing at all for a given time. Let's say 2 weeks, after those 2 weeks he has to Mann himself and take action. Because he will do well but needs a reset. So let him go a bit lower but by planned reason so he can take control again

[Anonymous]

The only way is to have him go hungery, no house, has to work to eat and live.
I have depression from time to time and its hard to be motivated. However I have to or I will lose everything. I have no free room and bord. Trust me if I could live in my parents house and laze around I so would. However I can't with my life.

[Joelcleaneye]

You, and if avalible one of his closer friends, should try to help him come up with a schedule. Help him clean up a bit and get him into something new as a small distraction like simple exercise or a new book. (Something that can use up brain power). But most importantly, be there for him. he's having a rough time and you're probably a light in the darkness for him

[A-man-22]

Where does his depression stem from, I have depression and it comes from my lonelyness.

Hobbies are a good thing to keep him occupied untill he can find a job.

Spending time together can also take it off his mind.

[TysonZion]

He needs a change, you can go out with him for a week and change his daily routine and as a girlfriend you need to force him to do so, a caring life partner will surely do it. Hope he gets well and may the reason be you

[qwertykeyboardirldub]

You can't help him he has to help himself. The only thing you can do is wait it out and it could be years or get him to speak to a proper mental health professional. In essence he has to start taking responsibility for his own health

[Raviteja8352]

Just talk with him normally with joyful and show love on him this change his life and creates good relation and boost his life

[Anonymous]

Send him to a therapist. Although you want to help him, I'm assuming you are not in a position to help him cope with depression professionally. He needs proper help to get him back on his feet.

[Celtero]

If I knew the answer then I wouldn't be in that position myself.