My girlfriend parties every weekend. It bothers me. What do I do?

Question

So me and my girlfriend have been together ever since October 2017, and when we got together I found out that she smokes and does weed occasionally, and she drinks a lot. She is not an alcoholic (which she claims), but sometimes her alcohol intake even proves and shows that she may be doing it too far. She also does it because her friends do it too, and some even do it way worse and more than her. Pretty much party girls.

Her past is quite traumatizing and became an LDR since May 2018 and I'm in Poland now 'till this day. (We lived nearby each other in the same city in Scotland). I've always supported her and stayed by her side and gave out my opinion without being/sounding toxic or controlling. Or even just open up.

She hangs around with people that I used to be friends with, she even kissed my best friends and properly made out with them and and god knows what else, she went to a nightclub and made out with 4 guys also (we aren't friends anymore because she talked about me behind my back to all of her and my friends at parties drunk/high on how I'm "toxic" and "controllive", so all my friends believed that and lost total respect for me and ditched me).

The worst part is, she lied to me how she doesn't do weed anymore and she doesn't smoke, yet she did it all behind my back and even confessed that in March 2018 she bought a full pack of cigarettes. And not just that. Her partying, kissing other girls, drinking, things that we had a deep talk about and came up with a compromise, yet she it did it her way.

I understand that she likes doing it and it may relieve her stress and maybe cheer her up, but she started to do it every weekend now, pretty much on both weekdays, and seeing her hangover and ill, even communicating with her is not the same girl that I fell in love with.

I don't know what to do anymore, whether I should be with her and continue our relationship like this in that cycle of breaking up and getting back together over all of this or break up.

Updates

+1 y

I'm not entirely sure if she had sex with other people WHILE we were together, but if the whole thing with her kissing other girls (and occasionally guys if she got pressured or even if she wanted to drunk.. or even sober) happened when I was there in person at parties with her and away, then, in that case, something must've happened.

Updates

+1 y

Additionally, I've been to parties with her in person before I moved out of Scotland (before May this year), and I've experienced the exact same behavior and reactions when I'm not there with her as well.

I've witnessed the things that have been said about her, especially when friends had to tell me also.

virginbish · Accepted Answer

"She hangs around with people that I used to be friends with, she even kissed my best friends and properly made out with them and and god knows what else, she went to a nightclub and made out with 4 guys also (we aren't friends anymore because she talked about me behind my back to all of her and my friends at parties drunk/high on how I'm "toxic" and "controllive", so all my friends believed that and lost total respect for me and ditched me)."
^^ this part worries me, because her actions are not of someone who wants to be in a relationship, and making out with guys (I can only assume it was when you were together... or after you moved away) will only seep jealousy and trust issues into your relationship.
She even lost your self respect, so if you keep talking to her it's like you are proving that everything she said is true and that you are clingy and trying to get her to join "your side". Trust me, a person at this stage will take everything you say the negative way, and will only put the blame on you. It's better to leave so that when they fall, they don't blame you for it even when you are trying to help. It'll just make you feel horrible. You need to take care of yourself, I realize that it's hard because you Loved her at one point and you may think this is giving up on her. But dude, she's giving up on herself... her past may be traumatizing, but there are many ways to deal with it. She needs to come to terms with it and get real help, not portray the "loss of control" that she feels deep down in her actions and living inna state of numbness and chaos to appease how she feels when she's sober. You can't keep pushing someone like that to become better, it'll just torture you to see her lose herself, and it'll make her angry because it makes her feel like she can't live up to your expectations (even tho she would be wise to hang onto you and use you as her rock in her dramatic mess of a life she has right now)

cclulu · Accepted Answer

Reading this was devastating... I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through a manipulative and abusive relationship before. It’s the worse feeling having someone who will never want to compromise, improve, grow, respect, nor create a healthy loving relationship with you. I’m sure you’re very confuse and hurt by now. I’m sure you care about her a lot. But one thing I learned from that toxic relationship is... love ain’t supposed to hurt like that. I hope you realized this too.

I’m sure you care for her and want one more chance, if you really do, sit her down and have a real talk about getting her professional help and rebuilding your relationship. However, I truly think it’s a loss on this one because you need to be honest with yourself that this girl is not making you happy nor treating you right. You have to free yourself or you’ll continue to fall back to this miserable pattern. This person is hurting you, broke your compromise and trust, got your friends to be against you, and cheated on you by kissing other people or who knows what else she have done. /:

Definitely asked yourself: “is this the same girl I fell for? Is this who I see a future with? Is this the kind of relationship I imagined?” Im sure you know the answers.

It also sounded like you didn’t know her that well before you guys got together. I’m sure you’re seeing her real colors and it’s not pretty. Please think about your real happiness and what’s best for you.

AlienParasite · Accepted Answer

I'm going to tell you a secret. She's the toxic one for you. Run away. If I were you I would even change the topic title and put "ex" instead of "girlfriend".

It's ok if she kiss/fuck your friends, her friends or any stranger if you are in an open relationship, cause in that case it wouldn't be cheating at all. But it doesn't look like you both agreed to have that kind of relationship and she's constantly cheating, but not only cheating, she's also acting like a victim saying you are the toxic or controlative, she's the one doing wrong but always end putting the blame on you and making you feel guilty.

Realize she's the toxic one. She has been manipulative making you feel guilty, she tends to victimize herself when the victim it's you, she never recognizes when she's doing wrong, she doesn't want to change or improve. Those traits are usual in toxic people. So dump her and be careful to choose a healthier girl the next time.

James_R · Accepted Answer

Well, it does not sound like you two are together anymore because she's doing things that indicate she is single. Kissing other people says to me she has in her mind moved on. Also, to be real, it sounds like you two are incompatible. The drugs, drinking, and party lifestyle are not your scene, which is fine but it does not suit her life choices. You two are on different paths and trying to get her to be on your path won't work unless she wants to be there with you.

Let her be free and more importantly free yourself from worrying about her and obsessing over what she is doing and with whom. I have been there and done that and I know you're on a tough road, but it will be fine and you will emerge a better person. This is a life defining event and you will change as a result.

Miristheiss · Accepted Answer

This is not girlfriend behavior. She is a horrible girlfriend. You are in Poland now. You two should definitely end this. LDR's almost never work and even if you were not in Poland, if you were still in her town you should end this. She is not a good girlfriend. Her behavior is horrible for a girlfriend.

I actually question how weak you are that you are putting up with this and still trying to hand around and make this work. Anyone who viewed themselves as a catch would have left her long ago. That fact that you haven't makes me think you have low self esteem and don't think you can do any better, otherwise why would you still be with her?

Logorithim · Answer

Especially since this is an LDR, I think it won't work. Break up with her.

Anonymous · Answer

If you were older, you'd have broken up with her by ages now.
You don't have anything in common, moral values or principles. She's not a good girlfriend, to be honest she's not even a good person. She's ruining her life and wants to drag you down to her level, probably to feel better about herself. She's a liar. She's a cheater and promiscuous. She hooks up with random people left and right, including YOUR "friends". She's not very intelligent either.

Well, if you think you can save her or whatever it is you saw in her, don't. Save yourself first.
You being far away is also an excellent opportunity for you to put things in perspective and think about your future. Study, work, etc. Hopefully you will find a decent girl as well.

Rodgerinho · Answer

Brother you're putting yourself in hell. You're in an emotional cage right now, hands on the bars, tortured every time you think about her. Poland has nice, traditional girls, you don't need this childish girl. How old is she? Anything over 25 is a disgrace to herself, but okay if she's 18 too, just leave her man, she's got growing up to do, and while some girls are great and grow up focusing on love and hope and caring, others choose to grow up focused on being edgy and doing trashy shit. Don't follow her on this path.

Honesty time. This is going to carve you up. I know it. I've been there. We all have brother. It's also going to make a man of you, and I GUARANTEE you don't ever end up with someone like her again. You need this dysfunctional girl, to help you define what you don't want, so you appreciate the girl who has what you want and need. You'll be stronger because of this, but it is going to hurt. Stay strong. Have faith. Stay positive when you can.

Pizza_lover159 · Answer

She sounds like the kind of person I rather not see. Raise. Or be relatives with. She is just what she likes. She is just for fun. Not girlfriend material at all.

She probably was the same from the start. You fell in love with a lie. Okay. Sit and listen. Do you think this girl can't be loyal to you? Do you think she doesn't loves you? Does she does things you hate even if you tell her not to? If the answer is yes. Then you should break up and next time dont do the same mistake. You fell in love with a childish and immature woman that all she does is to be a trash , get drunk and have sex with random people , kiss you friends and who knows who else. Can you go and present this girl to your parents without being ashamed? If not stay away from her and let her get someone like her.

Burgerboy21 · Answer

It's very difficult, if even possible at all, to change someone like that, especially since she's unwilling to change.
I think you should end your relationship with her. If she calls you toxic or controlling for wanting what's best for her, then she clearly does not love you. In fact, her actions and words, especially cheating on you, make it clear that she doesn't even have any bit of respect for you.
And the way you continued to look out for her even after this disrespect, it's clear that you deserve someone so much better.
She's abusive to you and you don't deserve that one bit. So I say put an end to it and find someone actually worth your time.

TrixiePooch · Answer

Please tell me what you are getting out of this relationship because my opinion is "next to nothing". This person is going to self destruct and party herself to death. My advice is to stay clear of her. Find someone to really care about. This one is not it.

Minnie97 · Answer

Personally I'd end the whole relationship. She isn't respecting your wishes at all, she's not taking your feelings into consideration, she's lying, she's cheating ( I do consider kissing someone who isn't your s. o. cheating although some dont), she's saying she'll change and there's been no change. You're wasting your time trying to make everything work when she obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about your relationship. End it, wash your hands of it and move on. She isn't worth it and the shit you're going through isn't worth it. Obviously there's 2 sides to every story but from what you said it's a shit relationship.

CurLyF · Answer

I see nothing wrong with her smoking weed or what not, but that has nothing to do with her complete lack of respect for you. Really, there's no question about wether this is a bad relationship, you said it all. She talks bad behind your back, she cheated on you kissing girls and guys (that happened while you guys were already in a relationship right?), and doesn't even give you your place even when you are present! She is not treating you right, doesn't respect you and you should stay clear from her. I'm not saying she is a bad person and I don't really care that she likes to party or smoke weed, that has little to do with her treating you right. She doesn't respect you and you desserve better than that. I would dump her and move on, it's not a healthy relationship.

AmerRestInit · Answer

DUMP HER NOW!!! Seriously, you need to have some self-respect! That may sound harsh, but I wish someone had the decency to tell me this. You are worth more than what she is offering you. Don't waste you life on her. She is human garbage who doesn't even have enough respect for you not to fuck your friends. She is running around cheating on you, risking picking up an STD to give to you every time she goes out. She is a toxic, drugged up whore, a piece of human plumbing, nothing more. Dump her before you ruin yourself for whoever might come after. Do you really want to have to tell the one when you ACTUALLY find her, the REAL her, that you have herpes, or AIDS, or a criminal drug charge from whatever she forgot in your car? Don't waste a good life on bad trash. Be a man, grow a pair, and realize that you deserve better. No ultimatums, no more chances, just move on.

energyjunkie · Answer

She sounds like a toxic blowup waiting to happen... I imagine you still both young I would let her go and move on. Eventually she will learn the party life style isn't the way to be happy. In the meantime move on and find someone that makes you happy and doesn't have you worrying every weekend

madhatters4 · Answer

i think you either accept her for what she is or move on from her. she knows how you feel and it seems clear that she is not going to change her behaviors... so the ball is effectively in your court.

you can make one last ditch attempt to get her to change her behavior. i suppose if you want to give an ultimatum she may feel more compelled to change but i suspect that she would only change to keep you and not really be committed to it... meaning she would find a way to do what she wants without you know, or at least trying to keep you in the dark

Ellie-V · Answer

This isn’t rocket science dude. Just step out of your emotions and think rationally. Based on her past and current behavior, demeanor, and conversations/interactions with you, is she the best person for you to be with. Yay or nay.
You guys haven’t been together THAT LONG. Barely a year. Save yourself the trouble if she ain’t worth it. You’ve got life to live and she does too. So either part way or get with the program. You should have known about her partying ways before entering a whole relationship with this girl. Were you guys even friends before? How long did that last? And if you knew her well enough before the relationship, then why would you even consider it knowing that this would be a problem for you? You really don’t know what to do? How bout save yourself cuz what you’ve been doing clearly hasn’t been working for ya bro

ShatteredMusic · Answer

Be straightforward with her. Tell her everything you’re feeling towards this situation and tell her how she isn’t respecting the relationship. Just be honest man and see how it goes from there. If she isn’t going to change then you should probably end it. Let her explain why she’s acting like this.

binarybabe001 · Answer

Sounds pretty one sided and toxic. Sorry to hear about this, I've been there myself before with a self destructive addict in the past and I personally know how degrading and stressful it is to love someone who is hell bent to stay wasted and do some crazy and selfish shit to get attention or sympathy from others. Your best bet is to let her go and avoid letting the situation exacerbate into a crisis in which you are on the losing end and life as you know it is over and permanently ruined. And addict can take you to that place REALLY FAST.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Holy shit... to me you sound like a chick. Don't take that the wrong way, it's just I usually see females complaining from this angle... you're on the female angle here.

Dude you're the LDR... she's fucking other people and you're not? Do you really have to prove she's fucking other people before you start acting out?

I suggest you look up LDR's and why or how they work. My best friend ended up marrying his teen LDR after I talked him into fucking hella bitches with me and then he got married to some old chick... got divorced... then married and had kids with her after all. I thought their relationship was a scrap of shit, but I was wrong... despite both of them fucking other people.

Prima_Dana · Answer

It sorta sounds like she’s toxic to be around. It’s nasty that she’s talking about you behind your back and turning your friends against you. I mean, everyone should allowed to party if they want to but if she’s going overboard and getting hungover so often, you should talk to her and tell her to seek help. As someone on here already said, if it’s a dealbreaker for you, you should leave. it’s not easy but it’d be the right thing to do.

devilman666 · Answer

Break up with her. Wtf dude? You need self respect! She kissed other guys and talked that kinda shit about you? She is toxic and using you, stop letting her. Take your life back, dont let this bitch ruin you with her partying while she goes on happily. I don't want to sound rude, but you really need to find your balls and your self respect and put both of then to work, have the self respect to know you deserve better and the balls to kick her to the curb for not being good enough.

BuchitaBuchys · Answer

She sounds gross. Party, drink, cheating. Why are you with her? She must be really hot.
Party girls are not good marriage material and thus not good girlfriend material either.

She's making you look like a fool, dump her ASAP and I hope you learned how to better pick partners now.

djmzes · Answer

Tell her to stop and explain her why u do not like If she does not agree then break up.

englisc · Answer

I don't know what else you were expecting. She was like this when you first met her, did you expect her to change? You say she kissed your friends, why are you even confused as to what to do? Just leave, she isn't gonna change and stop being a drunken slut.

My girlfriend parties every weekend. It bothers me. What do I do?

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