How do you deal with a guy who is guarded?

[Anonymous]

This is gonna be long... sorry! I have been talking to this guy & I told him I hate how he acts distant sometimes. Then I asked if his feelings were mutual & does he really want to take this to the next level & his response was... I'm always willing just not gonna talk about it. He also said he has never talked to anyone about his feelings. I also told him I miss him trying with randomly texting etc... he has yet to step up again. Therefore I'm not sure if he's just giving me space or if he needs space. All of this happened this past Friday (truth be told I was being a bitch) so yesterday I sent him a text saying I hope you had a great weekend & sweet dreams. He texted back in less than 5 mins & said... it was pretty good. How was your weekend? So my question is should I stop trying to get him to talk about his feelings toward me? Do u think he really does care & I'm just being too demanding? Most of our conversations flow very easily. I feel like we have a deep connection I just get irritated from time to time when he won't speak up or when he pulls back!! Thanks for any help!!!

[James_R]

The first question I have is how long have you been dating? The amount of time together makes a big difference.

The next thing is how does he act distant? Is it just talking about the relationship or his feelings or a broad range of topics?

What next level are you trying to reach? Living together or engagement or what?

Men generally don't like to be pushed and I know it sucks because you have expectations and want to see clear progression. We are generally a lot more laid back about timelines and if you're pushing to get access to feelings, next steps, and have him open up with more texting he may close off more. Remember he's not your girlfriend and most men won't communicate in the way you expect. In this case watch for actions, what does he do, when, how, etc. Above all don't lose your cool because he'll just get more stubborn and closed off.

He may also want you to drive. If he's one of those you'll need to say you want to move in and then setup appointments to view the places. What are his parents like? His parents dynamic should give you clues as to how to work with your man. If you have to drive and you don't want to be that person, you won't change him and you'll need a new dude.

[williamnot]

I think it really depends on your feelings. You should be secure enough that he doesn't have to say anything. I was in a similar relationship, and I drove her away because I got super insecure she didn't want me, or was cheating on me. Sometimes, guys are just like that. Sometimes its a period in their life, sometimes the whole enchilada.
The important thing is you show your interest in him, without pushing him. He will notice this and take it as a sign of respect. Too, why do you like him? Do you feel like you have to prove yourself. Is it just he's really Hot? These factor in too. He seems like he's just not a person to share feelings, but if you find within yourself that you are enough, and that he is enough, assuming he's not just toying with ( and I seriously hope not ), then things should start to come together.
Tell him you are there for him if you need him and won't preasure him to talk about it, but you need to put the money where your mouth is if you do! He will most likely appreciate that.

To me, he sounds like a man that judges actions, not words.

[Asker]

I am secure, however every once in a while those ugly insecurities will pop up & that's when I feel like I need validation. I don't think that's a bad thing to want at least every once in a while. No I don't really feel like I need to prove myself because I am very caring & usually not pushy. However I do have high standards 🤷🏼 I am too scared of looking like an idiot. Hope that makes sense.

[williamnot]

Just remember that looking like one, and actually being one are completely different! With that said, just be honest. Your only doing this in my opinion because you seem like you really like him! So just tell him this: I like you, I don't know what to say or do. I don't want to fuck it up, but this is what I need in a relationship. And some people have needs that the partner helps with. Ignoring them makes the other feel not worth it or invalidated. And if you care to keep this going I would expect you try. Just like I have tried to care for you, but you have been distant. I'm confused on the fact of weather or not we are together, or if you want me, or if I'm being toyed with. You need to make it abundantly clear your intentions

[Asker]

Wow, very well said! Thank you so much!!! 😁

[FlutteringFeelings]

You don’t. A guy can not be forced to do something he doesn’t want to do no matter how clear you try and may it to him. If a guy wants to open up to you than slowly he will regardless of what you think he may not be capable of. When someone is genuinely interested you will see and be aware of progress but as time fly you see nothing? That’s just his choice of not wanting to open up to you specifically.

Trust me, if he met a female he’s genuinely interested in this guy would jump hoops just to open up because he doesn’t want to lose her. It’s not about the immediate change but effort matters and if he isn’t showing neither than run for the heels because it’s either he’s playing games, or just not interested.

[mandi308]

i’m married to a man who really struggles with communication. his entire family doesn’t talk about ANYTHING involving emotions. they just ignore each other when they’re mad until they can bury down until the next problem and you always have to guess what’s wrong.
i come from a completely opposite family. we talk too much! everything has to be addressed and discussed and always end with some sort of resolution.
you can probably guess where our issues lie. it’s taken a long time to try and find some middle ground. i’ve realized it doesn’t have to be verbally spoken to know how someone is feeling and id say he definitely still has feelings for you. you just have to know how to read them.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

“(Truth be told I was being a bitch)”
Well that’s going to get you no where. Just show and let him know that you’re there. Just give him is time. You can’t force someone to talk. They’ll talk when they want to.

[Asker]

Thank you! I was only being a bitch because I was hurt & I tend to throw up walls too!

[Desconhecida]

Yes. Pretend you forgot the feelings topic for a while and let him be the one to mention it now

[devilman666]

Sounds like he does have feelings for you but it's hard to tell how much. Emotional issues for men are quite common, men are told to just man up and not talk about their feelings, so it rather makes sense honestly. Being guarded and being repressed go hand in hand, one is about hiding emotions and the other is more about pushing emotions into the unconscious part of the brain or attempting to ignore them entirely (for example everytime you get sad it makes you feel weak, so you get angry and hurt yourself as a mechanism to repress the sadness). Many men even drink to repress their feelings entirely instead of just hiding their emotions (in this case they drink frequently and use alcohol and/or drugs to feel better and/or forget their problems whenever they get upset/sad/angry). I don't know if you'll be able to get him to open up, but being open and comforting would be the best bet to get him to talk. Though be aware that you might be in for quite a bit of dealing with your partners emotions if you do get him to open up, most women find it very unattractive and leave emotional partners, but from experience I can say coming out of a repressed emotional state makes you extra emotional and feeling confused and often guilty and ashamed. So if you can't handle that then maybe it's best to not ask him about his feelings and let him deal with it his way, or alternatively to break up with him.

[BirdFan360]

The best thing you can do is be patient. If you can't take the irritation, he will know this and bring his guard RIGHT back up so when you go ballistic missile at him he has his walls protecting him. He is unsure if he can trust you;

"(truth be told I was being a bitch)"

so good luck, he won't be trusting you very quickly unless you're willing to put in some effort. (Ah, effort. Truly the word everyone today hates...)

[Asker]

I don't mind putting in the effort, it's just hard when he pulls back. I put in effort, trust me. I was only being a bitch because I was hurt & I tend to throw up walls too. I'm so afraid of being made to look like an idiot!

[BirdFan360]

Then you understand him better than you think you do. Amazing, isn't it? In this way at least, you're the same.

[Asker]

Touché, however I am more willing to open up!!

[BirdFan360]

Like I said; "The best thing you can do is be patient".
He can't read your mind, so he is still trying to decide if its safe to keep those walls down. Try to do some self reflecting too, bud. Allow yourself to relax when talking to him, and he will too.

Remember: human beings are animals too. Tense up, and they'll tense up too. Get anxious, and they'll get anxious too. Prepare an attack (verbal), and they'll defend (Wall). That last one not so much, but you get the idea.

[Asker]

Yes very good advice! Thank you!

[bluedragon123]

It sounds like he's been in a relationship before where he's talked too much about his feelings and got shut down for it. Girls say they want guys who talk about their feelings. However, most Time In the End Girls end up getting aggravated or unhappy with the fact that guy's actually tell him straight up how their feelings are when they do talk about their feelings. In his case he probably does actually have feelings for you. But he probably won't open up. So just have patience and understanding.

[OdieTheWise716]

I can draw from my own personal experiences to answer this... I didn't grow up in the average American family. I was raised without a father, abused and neglected and because I was so under weight I was bullied and tormented for years to come... he may not have had the same life or experiences but I myself live in a shell, always have... not having a father figure to show me how a man is supposed share his feelings and deal with his emotions I have always bottled up everything. Still do... I swallow it and I own it, and I let it eat at me because I don't know how to do it any other way. A woman has been with me for 10 years and knows I stay in an impenetrable shell but by just being there for me I found myself slowly sharing more and more with her, bit by bit. Don't try to force him to talk about it, as he becomes more comfortable he will open up when he's ready...

[ElissaIsBelgian]

Guys have been taught not to show any emotions since they were little. It is policed by society. Remember the famous ‘’ boys don’t cry ‘’ ? So he probably holds onto what he was taught as a child. It’s societal conditioning. It’s nothing to do with him personally. You would have to change society’s outlook if you want to change how men handle their emotions.

[kartik_sharma]

First of all you need to understand that there is certainly a reason for the guard🛡️

Either he is holding something, or he's faced something he shouldn't have to, or he's scared deep within of losing someone he loves ( he's not sure of your loyalty ).

Either way, you will need to gain his trust before you're awarded with his heart. You will need to make him feel as you're always gonna be around and true to him. Good luck 😊

[v851234]

Similar to what someone else said, if you are in a relationship you should be at an equally comfortable level wth each other, it sounds to me your more comfortable around him than him around you, you aren't giving him space, but it does seem like he wants some, if you really love him, give him space, proper space, and if you want him to open up, then eventually he will, if he doesn't, maybe he is hiding something, maybe you need to decide if you can wait for him to show you how he feels.

[SpenserB]

Try to keep the conversation flowing to gauge his emotions, eventually you will know how to read him without him saying what he feels. Hope that is coherent what I wrote.

[Asker]

Thank you! I feel like I do know how to read him 90% of the time but when he pulls back I start to throw my guard up & start feeling like he is just playing me. Hope that makes sense!!

[SpenserB]

When you put your guard up does that make him shut down even more?

[Asker]

Yes, generally. However if I keep them up too long, he will reach out to me & ask why I'm upset.

[awaisali]

When you put your protect up does that make him close down significantly more?
https://www.zintechnologies.com

[Asker]

Yes to a degree!

[shadowscar]

I'm a guarded guy myself. I tend to sort my mind out before I open up about things. I love small questions from my girlfriend, but nothing deeper on a topic I am still figuring out. She however, figures out a lot from small insignificant pieces of information. She knows mwe well enough. I'd say, get to know him more. Just watch and be around him. Learn. Then you'll be able to read him very well. That way he doesn't have to share. Cause you'll already know.

[Anonymous]

Just take your time if you care about him. Some people are guarded and need time together before they feel totally safe and comfortable.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[berndttoast21]

I'd keep trying maybe he will come around. I do this all the time due to depression and being in a relationship that didn't work I keep my distance but care about the people around me I can tell the stress of it. When the girl who was texting me came around I'd be there for a bit then leave due to my past but was always there for her. Just yesterday I tried texting she said fuck off so it's kinda until you had enough of trying but I'm sure deep down he may want or need you.

[Dionigi]

Maybe he has expressed his feelings for you with some actions. Some meaningful and cute present? Helping you in something you really needed...

[Asker]

His actions in person have picked up tremendously, but his initiating texts have slowed down. Is that why?

[Dionigi]

Maybe it is. What do you prefer? Actions or texts?

[Asker]

Actions, definitely! Thanks for the advice!

[Dionigi]

You're welcome. You sound like a cute couple by the way. So stay together 💪

[Asker]

Aww thanks!!

[MariaTheGreek90]

I been in his shoes it took while drop my guard up with my girlfriend cause my ex girlfriend left after I came out. Getting into new one took me year to drop my guard.

[Asker]

Thank you! Hope you find someone to tear those walls down for 😁

[MariaTheGreek90]

I have a girlfriend who has she 48

[skateranon123]

Oh boy this dude sounds just like me. Bad experiences make us guys like this only difference between he and I is that I'm at least willing to risk it because some day I wanna have a family but yeah he seems like he is very stuck in his ways.

[Dapdontlikebs]

You know he was probably introvert and also a lot of boys are taught to not talk about their feelings... just be patient and not push him... make him feel comfortable in conversation and it will come

[anametouse]

You can't force his feelings to appear. But you can be there for him when his feelings overwhelm him. That's how you get him to trust you in my opinion

[chadwickcoulter]

Keep trying with him. I know with myself I used to be afraid of talking about my feelings.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Loser94]

Too demanding let the guy open up to you on his time. Unless you wanna scare him away the just keep doing what you are doing now.

[jake1230]

I think he just needs to know how much you care. Constantly tell him you are there for him and he will eventually start opening up. It will be slow but it will work.

[Anonymous]

Both. Guys tend to open up on their terms so you gotta be patient and wait but you shouldn't stop trying.

[Luke______]

If he responds within 5 minutes he absolutely wants sth from you...

[niceguyantonio]

Yeah he's probably doesn't want to expose himself and you'll think he's weak or something.

[Jltakk]

I was told this a couple of times. Ehh.. is my reaction

[ConfusedEye]

Just ask if you can talk about and see what he wants

[neurolove]

He's keeping you on some back burner it seems.

[Asker]

That is my biggest fear but yet he has already changed sooo many things that we have talked about. Like if I tell him I don't like that he does blank... he will change it. If he upsets me he's always the one to reach out to me & will apologize. So I'm so confused. He is very guarded though... he tries to come off as an asshole just to throw people off... but deep down he's not & he knows I know that.

[neurolove]

He may have deep seeded issues from his past. Hard to say.

[StickStickity13]

You can't, you just wait until he does

[skateordiesv]

Use a trojan horse and sneak in past his guard

[CoffeeWC]

You just gotta keep trying.

[RIVERTAY888]

How do you deal with a girl that is very guarded

[Anonymous]

Get bigger guards than his

[Asker]

I am already pretty guarded myself!