How can I get a guy to let his guard down?

[Anonymous]

I REALLY like this guy and I believe that he likes me too. I know he has had at least one really bad relationship which kind of screwed him up because he opened up to someone who apparently stomped all over his emotions. This was a long time ago though, like several years, and I think he is finally possibly interested in at least trying to find love again.

In regard to me and him, sometimes he will seem like he wants to move things forward (beyond flirting), but then kind of goes back into his shell once he realizes he is putting himself out there. I have even tried to help and told him that I really like him. He goes back into his shell and then starts to come out. It seems that anytime there is a possibility of moving forward, he withdraws for awhile and then starts to slowly come out, only to withdraw again...and this happens over and over. I feel like suggesting things like going out, would only make him run then.

I am not sure what to do. Do guys really ever get past this? I don't know what I am doing wrong, and want to make things right. Any suggestions? Has anyone else experienced this...on either side of this.?

Updates

+1 y

Oh and I wanted to add that when things are going good, he always looks me in the eyes. When it seems that it could move forward and he withdraws instead, then he can't make eye contact. Then it has to build up again to feel comfortable.

[SimonBern]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he has serious issues, and probably has for a long time. I'm guessing that one of the reasons that his last relationship was so disastrous was that he was emotionally unstable with her, too. Obviously I don't know the details, but imagine that you were in a serious relationship with a guy who's emotions and attention ran as lukewarm and cold as his. (Doesn't sound like he ever gets to "hot.") It would probably drive you crazy, and that's probably what it did to his last girlfriend. I'm not trying to be mean, but you should consider the possibility that he's not just a wounded victim of this evil harpy from years back, but that he was an equal contributor to a messed up relationship, and that this behavior pattern doesn't seem to have changed much, and likely wouldn't when and if he ended up with you.

I would say that you be very straightforward with him, and say that you are interested in exploring a relationship with him. If he says "yes," than tell him that you would like to go out and start doing things together. If he says "no," take him at his word and leave it be. If he says "Uh, maybe," than give it a few days and then take that as a "no."

In any event, don't date him if you are viewing him as someone who you are going to "save." If you don't think that he can be an equal, healthy partner to you, just leave it be.

[Asker]

hmmm...definitely gives me something to think about. Thanks.

[SimonBern]

Good luck!