An issue in what sense? I don't like the idea of marriage, as it's boring and not really necessary to show love. I don't need to marriage to live with someone, be a loyal monogamous partner and create a lovely family that works. So we could say I don't believe in marriage, as I don't believe is necessary nowadays. But if my SO wants marriage or we need to sign the paper to get some partner rights at work, no problem. Probably your boyfriend feels similar to me.
If it was a real issue he wouldn't say he doesn't believe in marriage, he would say he doesn't believe in long lasting relationships or love. Remember, people that doesn't believe in marriage not necessarily doesn't believe in love.
Ι think you are wasting your time in believing that one day you will change him. I don't think people change. Bring up this topic that you want to get married eventually and discuss it with him. if he is negative then he doesn't care about your needs. can you continue with a guy who puts his needs above yours? think about this...
Im not trying to change him at all. Thanks for your input!
That’s like a guy saying “is their a point in dating a girl who doesn’t believe in letting me fuck other girls”
Just because “marriage” is something you as a female strive to get from a man to make your life easier, doesn’t mean it should be something me instinctually want as well.
If the only goal you have from a man is him signing half his pay and stuff over to you (so you can take it when you leave)... then you are objectifying men for your own selfish wants, just like when you complain a man wanting sex is objectifying you for his own selfish wants.
Not everyone wants marriage purely for monetary gain or to scam a guy when she leaves.
Asker, you do realize that that does happen a lot, which is likely why he isn't big on marriage.
+ who cares about a piece of paper? I never understood why people can't just except each others love as being enough.
If he loves you and is smart, at some point he will marry you. Common law is a b**** and if you live together you can still take half his shit. The ownly way around it possibly is with a dam good prenup, which requires marriage as far as I know.
@asker
70% of UK women would instantly change their minds about leaving a man if he won a lottery jackpot.
78% of US women said a partner with a steady job was the most important trait in a future spouse. 75% said they’d have a problem with dating someone without a job. Only 4% would go out with an unemployed man.
70% of Chinese women expect a man to provide an apartment along with a cash marriage offer.
Women get with men to get through life on easy mode.
I realize it happens a lot. I didn't say it doesn't happen. But not everyone is the same. You can't generalize that every female is the same and only wants money. Obviously there are ups to marriage but its not just the female that can benefit.
Actually, you CAN generalize, that's the point of generalizations.
There is a major difference between general statements and universal statements.
"Metal is stronger than wood" is a general statement, it is true and it means in most cases metal is stronger than wood, but there are exceptions.
"ALL metal is stronger than ALL wood" would be a universal statement and is false because not all metal is stronger than all wood.
Women (in general!) want a guy to get them through life and take care of them. It's a biological imperative.
Your original comment said I would be objectifying him for my own wants and thats simply not the case.
In my original comment "you" meant women. Which you could get contextually simply from reading the sentence.
That wasn't clear from your post at all seeing as you said," ... is something you as a female" meaning you were talking about me, not women in general.
Companionship, sex, love, etc. can and do all happen without legal contracts. If all you want is a way to take half of another human’s shit then become a defense attorney. There’s no reason to date at all if that’s your motivation. There are easier ways to make money.
Thats not the point at all.
You don't need a marriage license to date, to fall in love, to have sex, to have children, to cosign on a home mortgage, etc. You only need a marriage license when you want to divorce someone and take them to court to get them to pay you money when you no longer want to love them anymore.
I never said you need marriage for all these things. I personally feel when married to someone it's more serious and says we totally belong to each other in a lasting way. I would not marry someone with the intention of getting divored nor would i do it to get some of their money.
The point is that in the real world money matters are the primary things added through marriage. It’s basically divorce settlements, alimony, child support, tax deductions, social security benefits, pension payments at the last few companies that still do that, IRA benefits, inheritance benefits, health insurance benefits, and basically the only non financially motivated benefit making legal decisions for a partner during a medical emergency if they are incompetent. You can formally appoint someone to be your medical treatment decision maker without marriage though. So as you see marriage by itself is only about money. Love, companionship, making a promise to someone and keeping it, etc. has nothing to do with marriage.
Would you sign a prenup?
@On_the_other_hand No need, they are tossed out of court most times. It's better to just set up a trust to manage your assets before you get married.
Opinion
79Opinion
If you're looking for marriage? Probably not.
But some people, myself included, are just as happy in a long term, committed, happy relationship. Instead of signing a piece of paper just to say you love someone and share the same last name with someone. I used to know a guy that was with his girlfriend for 15 years! He refused to marry her (much to her disdain), yet he still loved her. Yet they acted just like a married couple-
Your guy might change his mind one both; you're both still relatively young. But if he cares about you, loves you, and treats you well, why do you need to be married to him?
Only if you don't believe in marriage. I tried dating a guy like your boyfriend and it was a dumb idea because they aren't going to change their minds for you. Most men who say that say it because of the financial liability and because they want to be free to see other women without marriage getting in the way. You should just cut your losses and move on.
No, he doesn’t want to get married ever because he is protective of his money. He doesn’t want to risk losing it in a divorce like some of his friends did.
No, because that's what a preen-up is for. If anyone says that it's a fake excuse that in reality is not a problem if you are willing to sign 2 papers instead of one.
He didn’t care but this is also a guy who eats sardines and ground beef everyday just to save money. Like he doesn’t spend money on anything. He had well over $100,000 in his account when I left him and he’s only a year older than me. Plus his parents were pretty shitty apparently and his mom wiped his dad out even though they had a prenup.
I know it’s hard for you to believe but there are people who do not want to get married even with a prenup or postnup.
Perhaps it is too Abstract a Concept for him at this stage of his life and he would Change his mind at some Point. I don't think that it should Prevent you from Dating at your current ages since marriage would not be around the Corner anyway.
u Can you imagine being with him long term and getting to a point where you want to get married and he doesn't? Could you then leave him or would your sense of loyalty prevent you from leaving him?
It's always a dead end to be in a relationship with different goals. In my opinion, if someone says they dont believe in marriage it's because they don't see themselves marrying you
It's not a tradition but simple and plain game
No, I don't think there's a statement that has a stronger consecration of pure, unadulterated retardation that exists as a combination of any words in the English language.
Zzzz
DAMN sure there is. Who says there is only one life goal that you can have? In my opinion, the only 4 things marriage is good for is this; a few tax breaks, social media, cementing a public appearance if you have children, applying for an international residency/citzenship. Really in most cases, at the end of the day, you don't NEED a piece of piece of paper to be together, love together, and have a long fulfilling life together.
This is also assuming you WANT to be with ONE person for the rest of your life. Some people want relationships with someone who can meet their needs as they change, and grow, and honestly, that doesn't happen in a single partner. No one can be EVERYTHING for you FOREVER, so you're left with choosing everything for as long as it lasts, forever and further from everything every year, or something in between filled with conflict, disappointment, regret, and resentment on some level.
I would say that if one person does want to get married and one doesn't, its really difficult to stay together because the partner who believes in it will have resentment built up, and the one who doesn't will dismiss and disrepect their partners values/ desire for marriage for their own when it comes up. just a heads up.
Excellent post. I dont think there is a point in dating a person for along time if one of them does not believe in marriage. Is simple as that because you won't force th person to change his/her mind for you,
I mean is something that it is happening to me although Im 47 and im single never married and no kids for me at this moment. There is a 45 yrd old guy Im very attracted to and I met 4 years ago. We are kinda of friends. We had gone out on dates jusst 2 times and had a make out session at the end. He knows my attraction towards him. But at some point he likes to be single and marriage is not part of his future plans even if he is in a age he has to settle eventually.
He does not believe in the drama and chaos taht a erious committed relationship much less marraige will bring to his life, so he rather stay single and do what he wants on his own time, freedom. So this is a kidn of guy who does not believe in dating for a time or dating often a lady, as he believes, dating often or much a lady will mean serious dating and serious dating will mean committed and committed means marriage and marriage is not something in his plans. Therefore he probably will want to remain single and have fun with the ladies if he wants to do that.
So this guy I like with me has no future in dating seriously with me, other than if I want to sleep with him that is I assume he won't say no.
Well honestly it depends on your individual goals as well. You want to get married. He doesn't. The ideology is different over here. And honestly please definitely talk it out, as you guys could otherwise resent each other for this later on in life. And once the talk is over and you guys have reached a conclusion, and there seems to bear fruit in any way, that is marriage or no marriage go forward. By the above statement I mean, if there's consensus and you guys are looking at the picture together. However if it's not, and it's a deal breaker for both of you, then well you don't need to break it off immediately, just maybe be open to the idea of seeing other people and gradually shift away. Since the whole " He'll come around" or "We'll work it out when we get to that point." well no. It won't and it will hurt. Tremendously, to both of you. So figure this out now. And avoid that pain later.
Here's my experience. I was with my highschool sweeatheart for twelve years. On year 8, we got married. Four years later we separate. We were perfectly happy and content until we got married. Marriage is great if your certain you'll end up together (which most people believe at the time obviously), but people shouldn't get married unless they've really gone through some serious stuff together. People get married and then they see how their partners handle crisises or their partner being handicapped etc and it's not what they expect. If you can be parents together, your golden. I honestly would have kids first and then go from there. Marriage should be last because it's a big costly mistakes if your wrong. If your happy in your realtionship, have a commitment ceremony, rings etc.. but not do it legally. Why put a label on your relationship? Make your own rules.
No. Because they will make you MISERABLE and your not compatible. FIND somebody who wants marriage and most importantly, wants to marry YOU. You're over 18? You are NOT too young to marry. Do not date him for years! FAIR WARNING! Because he will NEVER want to be with you and is just using you for sex.
you might ask why? maybe he has no positive examples of marriage and lots of bad ones... so why would he? Marriage really means commitment to someone through the thick and thin and quite often suffering. Why would a free spirit sign up then?
And why do you? It's an area to talk about what you are both looking for and maybe after talking you end up somewhere good, or you don't.
Guys don't necessarily understand the value... but the concept would be to provide unconditional security to the woman and especially in terms of the long term commitment to raise kids.
Reality is marriage doesn't guarantee that, certainly not these days unless that is instilled in the values of the person. So you likely would have to make a go of it without marriage and accept the risks of when he isn't happy he leaves.
I'd say dating him long term is a bad idea, short term isn't. Basically there are two pools that people fall into: pleasure and marriage. One is for getting married, having kids, classic life style. Pleasure is for people who just wanna date, have flings, the likes. You can't normally convert people to different pools, and this is the case you are in. So if he is entertaining now, date until you want to start actively pursuing marriage, then breakup and find someone who wants to eventually get married like you do.
He made it clear he isn't interested in marriage, no reason to push that. It's his belief. Just realize that your ideals don't align, and so the relationship will break off at some point, and view it as an opportunity not a future.
Dating is still important to gain experience for when you find someone you want to marry, and who is okay with marriage. So don't eliminate your relationship, just call it as what it is going to end up as: short term.
It isn't so much about whether or not there's a point to dating someone who may or may not want to get married. Because everyone has different beliefs and values. What matters is finding someone whose beliefs and values can parallel your own.
In other words, if you want to get married in the near or distant future, you're better off dating someone who also wants to eventually get married as well. Because If you want to get married, but your boyfriend doesn't, what happens a couple years down the line if you two are still together and in love. Yet you both hold strong to your belief for and against marriage.
More then likely it would just cause a lot of heartache and anger, because if neither person is willing to relent the only alternative is to breakup. And by that time there would be a lot of emotions invested in the relationship. Which is why I would think that in the topic of marriage, that's one area where a person should date another who holds that belief as well.
If you want to be married and he doesn't then it's time to date other people. You can't meet the guy you will marry as long as you are with a guy who won't.
depends on how important it is to you. If you NEED it i just wouldn’t try. If you really have feelings for this person though, i could see how it’s hard to just let the relationship go. If that’s the case, then ask the person if there’s any reasons why they are so against marriage and if it’s at least possible they would change their minds.
I have some family members who have been with a boyfriend for 10 years and even have kids together but they haven’t gotten married because he didn’t want to. It’s sketchy because if that person loves her he should be able to do it for her. It shows cold feet to me, like not taking the full step to commitment.
i feel im a loyal person who loves to have a friendship in relatioship. I dont want to get married to the person i love but that does not mean i dont want to stay by their side and be a loyal girlfriend. Im always willing to be there and im not planning on leaving. I just, dont like weddings and dont find it necesary.
Yes I agree but you dont have to have a wedding to get married. Could just go to a courthouse
good point. id be open to that, but its still not my intensions. I think if someone really loved you, after awhile they might have a change in heart. I dont ever really want a marriage but if thats the only way to be with the person i love then i would do it
Be honest with him. That said, your boyfriend is a VERY smart man. Marriage does not mean happiness, nor eternal love, nor even til death do we part. It merely means that he takes on specific legal responsibilities, and all liabilities. It is a raw deal which leave men vulnerable to being raked over the coals and robbed blind. Any man would be a fool to marry, even without the abysmal divorce rates.
Be careful with your boyfriend. You don't want to be the woman that spends 7 years with a man only to find out he doesn't want to get married and ends up leaving you and you just wasted 7 years of your time.
To his credit he already told you beforehand his belief regarding marriage.
An he says all that's... an actually ends up marrying one day some one else just not her! Shocker!. SMH he could be one of those type of people lol
@PetrovaFire92: True. Men complain about women using them for their resources which is true lots of time, but men like to tag along and use women sexually then for years then once they get bored they want someone younger and fresh to settle down with and marry.
Yeah that's true SMH.
All marriage is, is a way for women and the government to abuse and steal from men.
You can be exclusive with someone, raise kids together, live together, and be happy without marriage.
What is the point of marriage besides being able to take a man's stuff? And of course when getting married the woman says she would never do such a thing, but oh no, when it comes to divorce because she was a bad mate, then she tries very hard to steal as much as she can. It's nothing new, just en are finally starting to figure it out.
If a woman would leave someone for not wanting marriage, then she just really cares about the money she can get out of him. She would rather have a messed up guy as long as he would agree to marriage so she gets his stuff. More likely than not it will end in divorce by statistics.
Not all women. Quit overgeneralizing. It's not that hard to say SOME.
@AnastasiaLane I didn't say all, but it is the majority. Only greedy ones that want to steal from men would insist on marriage. And none of those women ever do anything to change the laws because they want to keep marriage the way it is so they can continue to steal from men.
"Only greedy ones" not everyone wants marriage for money
The majority of marriages end in divorce (statistics prove it) and the majority of divorces have the woman wanting the man's house, alimony, and whatever else she can get out of him. If a woman wants marriage so bad, why doesn't she sign a prenup saying if they divorce, the man gets to keep all of his stuff and also gets half of her stuff too?
I do agree with you, it's true that some women insist on marriage simply for money. SOME though.
if you definitely want to get married and he definitely doesn't then no there is no point in being in this relationship. but if one is willing compromise or acquiesce then it could work. like if he is willing to get married for you or you willing not to get married then it could work
Girl break up then and just be honest "look if I waste 5 years in this relationship I might not find Mr. Right because I am with you I want to get married I don't want common law marriage or just be someone girlfriend" he can't get mad at you for being honest.
If he doesn't believe in marriage, but holds the same mindset or loyalty as one 'should' if they are married, it should not matter. You may not be able to expect him to be super excited about the marriage thing, but you could probably get him to go along with it and 'confirm' the relationship with you by getting married anyways, even if he doesn't believe in it.
That's something only you can answer for yourself. But at your age, this probably isn't a "forever" relationship anyway.
Just know that when a man tells you something like this, you need to believe him, and you should not expect him to change his mind. This is why it is so critical to "interview" a guy about important long-term relationship issues BEFORE you get into a relationship with him - because you need to know what you are getting before you choose to be with him. After, it's too late.
If you know for sure that you want to get married and your partner does not, then I think it's pointless to stay together since one of you will ultimately be unhappy. Most people don't change their views on things like this so you shouldn't stay together expecting him to suddenly change his mind one day. The decision to get married or not is a pretty big issue that you need to agree on when getting into a new relationship.
You two are not equally yoked. It will cause problems later on. You're hoping that he change his mind about marriage, but what if he doesn't. You'll be hurt and worng. Hurt for wanting something but never being to receive it. And wrong because he told you were he stood from the beginning. You're just wasting his time and yours.
Why do you want to be married?
If he is with you and loves you for the rest of your life why does it matter?
If it were illegal to be married, could you be happy with him for the rest of your life, not being married?
I get what you're saying, but there are some good reasons to get married. For example, if he's on life support, and his parents wanted to pull the plug, she wouldn't have much say so in the matter (this is on a state by state basis but still).
Look at this way, people have fought to legalize gay marriage for a reason.
@Sparda20xx Filling out a "final directive" easier than getting married.
@Sparda20xx What does your sexual preference have to do with the logic of marriage, how does it change the reasons to get married or not. Same rules apply to traditional and same sex couples.
And do you really think that is the reason she wants to get married... to have the right to pull the plug. That probably hasn't even gone through her mind until she read this thread.
Final directive can be over run. Two I never said that was her reason for getting married. I'm merely pointing out the legal ramifications. Third, if just loving one another was enough than why would gay people fight so hard to legalize gay marriage. One must think on that
You asked what if marriage was illegal. And in yet people who are gay have been fighting for years to have their marriage legalize. If simply loving one another was sufficient than why fight. There's OBVIOUSLY a deeper reason than just Oh we love each other as you stated
@Sparda20xx What I mean is traditional and same sex both want and don't want marriage. But same sex couples wanting marriage doesn't validate the reason to get married. The are no different than traditional couples... all it proves is the want it too... no one is denying that. What I"m saying is same sex doesn't make the idea of marriage more valid.
Yes. I have been with my guy for over 2 years, and we do not intend getting married. We are happy just living together.
Does marriage really make you happier, than much wealthier, live longer, more faithful? Getting married is actually a waste of money.
You should ask yourself if you rather stay with him "forever" as a girlfriend or leave him and marry someone who would like to be be married.
One of the first thing I said to my 9+ years girlfriend is that I will NEVER marry her, and she's OK with this (she has the same vision of life) and she knows what gonna happen if she put me "pressure" about this (witch will not happen).
It's your choice : THIS man... or a ring. Choose wisely.
Of course, if you love them then being married or not doesn't matter and in my opinion opinion marriage has lost its meaning over the years like it's beautiful to call someone you husband or wife and the idea is great but it's not what it used to be and you don't need a piece of paper to prove your love 😊
Don't bother unless you agree to be her boyfriend for life. If you keep on with her even if she said that, after yes she will leave you just to say yes to the next dude. Dont make your lifr complicated, plenty of fishes in the sea and your marriage aspirations are not crazy
*girlfriend *he ;)
Many couples can stay together happily unmarried their whole lives but if you truly have your heart set on it, I suppose
it's possible he could change his mind.
Also, if you feel that strongly about marriage and he doesn't then maybe it would be better to split now.
Women are the only ones that stand to benefit from marriage and I'm very sure your boyfriend knows this. There is no point in men marrying anymore. It's in fact dangerous for a man to get married, should the marriage end for a man he stands to lose his children if he has any and everything he owns along with his livelihood.
I am looking for a girl to marry me. My ex girlfriend said the same thing to me a couple of years ago and she said that she’s not the marriage type. But now she wants to come back to me. So I told her if you want marriage to come back as I told her I want to marry her. I can’t find anyone my age I’m 47 that even wants to re marry again at all where I do actually want to be married two to three years from now.
That is hard to say
Many young people who don't believe in marriage change their minds as they grow older or at least become open to it as the pragmatism of getting older sets in
But ultimately it depends on your feelings for the guy
Do you just want to be married or do you want to be married to him specifically
If he says he doesn't want it or that he won't even concider it in the future, believe what he says. Don't count on him changing his mind. Not saying he won't change his mind but it's a big risk if you really want to be married someday in the future.
Your boyfriend is smart, marriage is a sham. But I would suggest that you either get used to never getting married or find someone else, it is unlikely that he will change his mind (depending on why he is anti marriage) but not impossible, he may decide later on that he does want marriage.
Marriage is a big risk for men. I would be in a committed long term relationship and not get married. The only only time id marry would be to a very religious virgin because she's going to be just as freaked out at me leaving her as ill be at her leaving me because she will never have the chance for a perfect religious marriage again.
There are many behavioral styles today and some choose to be without being committed. Sort of as a pastime which will always be up for suggestion. Some can and some can't but if you don't know don't go. Smell the "real" coffee.
I think the answer to this question is pretty damn obvious. If you want to be married at some point and you know he doesn't, you shouldn't waste your time in the hope that he will change his mind. Move on from him.
He already was very clear with you. You need to choose so you won't say in the girlfriend title forever. If it's that important for you then moov on now and no need to waste your time and his
Sure lots of couples stay together their whole lives and never get married. Look at that girl from the movie "Tootsie" who was with that guy for so long.
No I don’t think there’s a point of dating someone who doesn’t wanna get married if you want to because they don’t want to. and you’re just wasting time with theme
If marriage is something you are dead set on then there isn't a point. You're only wasting your time and his time. Do what makes you happy, your happiness comes first.
Honestly it should be something you’re thinking about now. His opinion might not change, not that it can’t (look at George Clooney marrying Amal after only dating for a year). But you should really speak about it now with him to know if he’s willing to change. You don’t want to waste your time with someone that might not change his mind.
The fact that you would break up if he does not want to get married makes his point. You don't want to spend your life with him, you just want leverage, and for everyone to see how special you are having someone risking devorce just to be with you.
You dont know what his point is as I dont know it either? We haven't talked about it that much. Its not about leverage and I dont understand why everyone assumes i only want kt for my benefit
I think you are dating the wrong guy if getting married is more important to you than the guy you are with.
That depends on how firm he is on his stance, but if marriage is your end goal, and he won't budge, then no, there's no point.
If you intend to marry him or at least be with him in the longrun, that's definitely a problem. You should be on the same page.
Marriage is not important to me. I want a long term relationship and I mean really long and happy too. A paper makes no difference to me. And if he wants to leave me then he can without doing paperwork and a court
Marriage isn’t important, that money could be used make a downpayment on a house
yes, i dont like marriage as this old tradition either, but because taxes are a lot cheaper for married couple we probably gonna do it :D
Yes, if you say you don't want to get married yet, I don't see a problem. If you turn +30 and you're still dating this person, then definitely this is a problem and you might have to break up.
People can change what they want later in life, this goes for both you and him, but you shouldn't count on him changing his mind. If you are dead set on getting married and you know that's what you want for certain, I'm not sure if there is a point.
in my opinion, marriage these days is just a legal contract and not much more.
If you want it and he doesn’t then disclose to him one day you will end it, but until then you can have fun.
It is better to breakup and accept that anything might happen from the moment you leave. By this I mean do not get disappointed if he gets engaged within a year.
Men traditionally wait much much longer until they are willing to get married than women, just as women traditionally wait much longer to be willing to have sex than a man.
No, just like for him there is no point in dating someone who wants marriage. You both already know you are going to break up and are just delaying the inevitable.
No it isn't. I only date with the intention of getting married and if he doesn't feel the same way, bye bye to him.
So you just prove that what you wanted was not to spend the rest of your life with him...
@Arne123123 um that’s what marriage is?
is it? I don't see how marriage makes that happen.
When I think of marriage im viewing it as confirmation that I'm yours and he's mine. I dont know too much about the financial aspect of it so thats not a factor for me.
And we are saying marriage is in no way a confirmation that he is your and your his, as people cheat and devorce left and right. Just becouse you hope you will both want to stay together forever right now does not mean you won't change your mind in a week or 10 years... And as it does not really change anything, there's no point.
Thats your opinion. Im entitled to have my own as well. We have different views on marriage which is why I feel there is a point
Girl don't do it, don't do it. I know too many girls who decided to stay and waste so many years trying to change and convince the man. It's not worth it
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