Girls, Is this love or pathological control?

[sarahlumpkin]

I came to my boyfriend's house this Saturday. And saw a scene between him and his mother that she did not know I saw. They were both standing in an outside sunroom. She had hold of his necktie knot (a full suit is his regular form of attire) and backed against the screen wall.

I heard "not completely honest" with me. She let go when she saw me like white hot iron. I have otherwise seen her dote over him. And there relationship is closer than the vast majority of mother-sons. I don't know what it was about. I am not sure I was the subject. He has a share in her company ownership.

[AmandaYVR]

Hmmm. A lot to unpack here. That move where she let go "like a white hot iron" is very disturbing.
Not sure what you mean by adding "with me" onto the end of "not completely honest". Because you think that was in regards to you, eh? Yeah, who knows.
He's wearing a suit and tie daily? Odd for someone so young. And he is involved in the family business?
It's definitely a good thing he's going away for school now. Definitely time for him to get some space and breathing room. Question is, how will he act when he is out from under her?
This relationship may not be a one-way street about control. He seems quite complicit in it. What type of kid/guy tells his mother about his sexual relationships? Not many. I personally don't believe any sons and daughters should go into much detail with their parents aboout their sex life. I can't say for certain that it is mentally unhealthy, but it just feels wrong to me. Parents can become 'friendly' with their grown children, but I don't understand this dynamic of saying a parents or a child is their 'best friend'. Seems like blurring the lines too much. That's a bit of a personal opinion though. One could get into a long debate about the role of parents, parenting styles, etc.
My mother and her boyfriend really like my husband. He's great with tech, and he's calm and has a pretty quiet but peaceful aura (obviously all good traits) but man, they treat him like a god when we go to visit. It's infuriating and laughable at times. If I am working on the same thing, or something similar, trying to fix some problem for them, guess who gets the credit and the "oh, you're amazing, thank you so much". Even to the C/S people on the phone, they tell them! In many cultures, men are still more revered by their families. Some are doted on, and spoiled, while the girls are taught to compromise, do more household/domestic chores, even feed the brother, quite often!
I don't know what's going on here. She obviously loves him, and dotes on him, and most likely too much. Is he her only child? But the thing that matters here is how he reacts to it. In psychology they would say he must 'actualize' and 'detach' from her. It's as if maybe he hasn't gone through the age-appropriate stages of personal development yet. But maybe he will now that he's gone away to college. That changes a lot of things. She may guilt trip him about not calling her enough, or visiting enough (I presume he's living remotely now?), but he will be busy, and he can use this as a valid excuse to get some distance from her, emotionally as well. He needs to stop telling her about your guys' sex life. Eww. Have a word with him about that.
Good luck!

[sarahlumpkin]

Lengthy response but thank you for it. Yes, he is perpetually in a full suit. I can't say I don't like it but it is atypical. He is an only child. His late father was far older than his mother - as long as he did not know her before she was fully grown it's not sick. She is president of a small bank and has a separate industry venture. They are rich.

Some has changed since this happened. Yes, he is living apart from her at University of Arkansas... and something just came up I will finish this response later.

[RuthlessReality]

I once dated a guy that I had to interview with his mom to be his girlfriend. It was one of the most unsettling things I’ve ever done. She was over controlling of him and it really hurt our relationship and in the end he broke up with me because she told him to. It was obvious to me that his mother was controlling and she did stuff like what you described to him.
Obviously I don’t know your boyfriends situation, but I’d totally call that control or abuse.

[sarahlumpkin]

At least I have did not do an interview (add my own implied exclamation points). But I hate that she busted you two up (even with my limited knowledge on your particulars). My fear is that, while less frequent in our part of the world than say the Far East, I may experience the same mother's behest breakup.

Just to name a few examples of their solidarity: I was surprised hoe quickly a 17 going on 18 year old told his mother a smaller male had beaten the crap out of him over his personal appearance (this was when she and I first met after I walked him home after the incident) and she immediately called the school principal to threaten a lawsuit if it happened again. She gives him a $200/week clothing allowance and go shopping where I am the tag along. Not to mention embarrassingly admitting to her what he and I have done behind closed doors.

I don't know if she would threaten to financially cut him off (he has a full paid scholarship) would influence him but she might not have to for other psychological reasons.

[RuthlessReality]

Wow, seems like a helicopter parent if I've ever heard of one. I hope she doesn't try to interfere in your relationship, it really puts a damper on things. I also understand the uncomfortable-ness behind him sharing all of your secrets with her. My Ex's mom would read our text messages and she pulled me aside one day to tell me that swearing makes a girl less pretty and I'm a pretty girl and she wouldn't want that to go to waste. I hope your relationship works out. Me and my Ex actually never broke up because he just stopped talking to me and after a few weeks of trying to contact him one of our mutual friends told me that it was over because his mom told him to end it because me and my friends were apparently a "Bad Influence", I just hope the best for him.

Relationships are hard and helicopter moms make it even a little harder, but I hope that you and your guy have better luck than I did.

[sarahlumpkin]

He will be starting at the University of Arkansas in about a month. Fortunately, this will give space between him and "the other woman" … oh, "did I say that out loud" I mean his mother. Unfortunately, it's a long distance relation between me and him.

I want to ask her if tying his neckties is part of the doting process or a front for a hickey inspection and if it's the latter, she already knows we've done a lot more than that.

[Vviolett]

Girllll I dont know what to say maybe, maybe not but keep an eye and ears open in case.

[rosar_02]

The mothers have to say their children all the things that they think about him or her couple, bad or good, even if later they think they were confused