Relationship after friends with benefits for 7 years?

[JKJK13]

I have started a "friends with benefits" type of relationship 7 years ago. At first, it was only the call and occasional sex. However, from then it has developed into something more from my perspective. We have started to get to know each other and started to spend more and more time together. 3 years ago he had to leave the place he was staying at and moved with me for, theoretically, a week until he can find a place. Since then, we have been living together and have been doing the normal things a couple does (celebrated holidays together, family visits and so on).
After living together for 3 years, this summer we went on vacation together, at a music festival and then to visit our families (mine and his both, we live in different cities). From my point of view, we had a great time. After receiving a wedding invitation, I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he said no. When that happened, I asked the dreaded question of "what are we?" and if he wanted to be with me. He is currently ignoring my question and avoids giving me an answer because "it is not that simple".
I told him that he has a few days to answer my question, if he wants to be a couple. Otherwise, at the end of the week I will consider that he does not want me and we should go our separate ways. What do you think? How should I proceed?

[SueShe]

The thing is that you let it go way too far and that it became a relationship based on comfort rather than anything else.

He thought and still thinks that it can last forever. The first mistake you made was not to be clear that when you took him in, it would be on a temporary basis. You failed to adhere to this rule that is to never allow close contact for a longer period of time if you solely want a friends with benefits relation.

That was to be expected that the outcome of the relation was going to change but both of you only saw the advantages of that relation.

Now, you are in that stage where you think that there could be more while he is perfectly fine with the status quo that you gave him when allowing him to move in with you.

The fact alone that he is delaying his reply is indicative that he is not in a hurry to change this situation.

Now that you addressed this issue, you gave him indirectly a deadline and a request to make a commitment. You cornered him and asked him to make a decisive choice.

In case his feelings about living together as an "official" couple is not reciprocated, you just stepped into a wasps' nest and my feeling is that this relation might turn sour and toxic.

It is one thing to be comfortable in a relation without any commitments but a totally different one to be official with all possible implications that may bring along.

Until now, each of you could just walk away from the other, since you had nothing than just an extended friends with benefits relation and both of you knew it. But now that you are pressuring him to make a decision, you are moving into a full fledged couple relation with all the negative issues that it brings along.

You have to be very adamant that you will no longer see your relation solely as a friends with benefits one and that you expect him to be honest enough to tell you how he perceives the situation. You are not getting younger and you need to set the path for your future since you are starting to run out of time.

You have to get a committing reply from him so that you have time to find the person that is willing to be with you not just for comfort but also to walk this path together with you to the end.

[JKJK13]

Yes, I agree with you completely. I let it go that far hoping that he will want to be with me but that hasn't happened and it does not look like it will.

[SueShe]

You owe it to yourself to make it clear that he needs to make a decision. That would only be fair towards you. But be careful that he doesn't just agree just to "shut you up" in the hope that it will return to a relation without serious commitments.

[JKJK13]

I think you are correct. Thank you for your last tip!

[SueShe]

Good luck to you but realize that it may hurt you to have to take this decision. Are you ready for it?

It is better to suffer an intense mental pain for a short while rather than a slow pain that eats you away your entire life because you could not make the right decision.

[JKJK13]

I am trying to prepare mentally for a negative response. He has been my rock and I love him deeply but I cannot stand the thought of not being good enough to be his girlfriend. My self-esteem has been degrading over the course of the last 3 years. I can understand that it is my fault to have let it go this far but I need to realise that it is not good for my mental health to continue like this.

It will be hard and I hope to be strong enough to go through with it because I can't take it anymore. If I am not good enough for him, maybe there is someone out there who will think otherwise.

[SueShe]

You have already started your healing process by being positive about your future.

There is always someone out there that will take you for whom you are and for what they want you to be.

Good luck to you.

[VIVANT]

She is aware of the situation and has already told him and us, she is moving on if he can’t or won’t commit. Maybe she was not ready until now. It Durant matter how long it’s been. Sure confronting what she needs to now. I see no reason to drag her back into the past. He will either want a relationship or he will not. They stoop gas a lot of experience together. It’s not fit anyone to say it was wrong.

What was the point of shoving all that in her face?

[VIVANT]

Hmm nvm. I’m sorry. I now I see the exchange.

OP I was under the impression the whole pond of this was to be “ very clear” otherwise why have an ultimatum.. kind of redundant 🤷‍♀️😁😊.

[SueShe]

Thanks for this wonderful MHO. That made my day and I hope you will find your peace!

[MissDawn7961]

you are not woman enough to marry but your female enough to be giving it out to any poor schnook ignorant enough to do it with you in the first place? try Jesus and your bible ! Thanks

[JKJK13]

I am an atheist but thank you for your advice!

[VIVANT]

I’m impressed.. I think you handled it perfectly and you should stick to it.

[Iron_Man]

He's just a live in friends with benefits so he can get out anytime he wants with no questions asked. Its the old why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free scenario

[boggboss]

You have given him a time frame stick to it as you was a couple without the name so at any point he could do what he wants because he didn't say you are together

[Anonymous]

friends with benefits is immoral, and should be illegal

[reptocarl]

You’re an idiot