Boyfriend wants to hide from me from his ex? What should I do?

Question

I have just found out my boyfriend is hiding me from his ex. They dated for a short time last year and they remained friends after they broke up. Three of us were in the same social circle so we all know each other. We broke up at the 6th month and got back together 2 months later after being friends with benefits. They are close, they contact with each other almost everyday, he picked her up at her house at night with his car, they go to bars just the two of them, she calls him names, I saw pictures of them cheek to cheek on my boyfriend's phone. I'm very uncomfortable with them being too close, if she is just a friend there should be boundaries. Whenever I talked my boyfriend about her he defended her and said there's nothing to worry about. The last time I opened the topic he admitted that he keeps our relationship secret from her. He said It would be disrespectful to her since she is his ex and it would be weird since we know each other and spent time. First he said he would tell her soon but now he says stupid sh*t like ”she will know when we get married”. I don't ask him to yell at her face that we are dating I just want him to not act like he is single when he is around her. he disrespects my feelings just to not ”hurt” her, if they are just friends she should be okay with that too. He also blocks her when he posts our picture together on Instagram, when she calls when we are together he either says he is alone or he is with a family member. I dont think he is cheating but this is stupid. I feel like the 3rd person when three of us sit together. She sometimes acts like I don't exist and doesn't response to my questions. She will keep asking him going out at nights since she doesn't know about me. I'm so not okay with that. When you love someone you want to show them off, you are proud, you don't hide them. he hided her from me when they were dating and we were friends too. We have been on and off maybe they talked behind my back and he is ashamed.

cohenrique · Accepted Answer

Okay. Going to be honest since you invited me to respond.

You deserve better than this. Don't put up with this type of treatment. The longer you stick around and put yourself through this, the more you're going to convince yourself it's normal and warranted.

It is not.

With enough time, you might even convince yourself you deserve it. Your boyfriend (intentionally manipulative or not) is gas-lighting you. Diminishing and disregarding your valid concerns. Which pressures you to question yourself, your concerns, and what you clearly see.

That type of toxic relationship devastates self-perception and confidence. And the closer you are with such a person, the more scarring and lasting the effects.

As for your boyfriend, I cannot say with certainty how intentional and conscious he is of his behavior. But there is no doubt he is using BOTH of you to manage his needs and emotional desires. As much as you likely despise his ex, she too is being used.

Again, I don't know how intentionally manipulative and selfish your boyfriend is being. But he is just that. Manipulative and selfish.

He goes to her to get from her what he can. Without giving all of himself. And then to you, to get the rest. Again without giving all of himself to you either.

He is "diversifying" his needs and desires. Picking and choosing as he pleases, whenever and wherever it suits him, without ever fully buying into either person. As one would say, "he wants to have his cake and eat it too."

Simply put, his only concern is himself. Because clearly his behavior is harming you (and her, especially if she knew the truth). He refuses to take any responsibility or blame.

Him mentioning "marriage" to you, while acting this way is a red flag to me. As it does highly suggest a more conscious form of manipulation.

I'm glad you still have the instincts to questions his assurances and explanations. I would highly suggest you find a way to leave before those instincts start to break down, putting up with his repeated behavior.

You may love him and want to see the best in him. But I'm telling you, guys like this don't change easily. And if change did occur, it wouldn't come through your effort. Only by his own self-realization of his faults and mistakes combined with the courage to change. Realistically, that kind of change is on par with a major life transformation event. And it won't happen as long as he's getting what he wants. Especially when it's on his terms.

I know most women try to make things work. But again, I would suggest you work towards moving on and away. For your sake.

jason0559 · Accepted Answer

Girl please move onn he didn't deserve uu
The ex is ok with ur relationship
She is using her to get u out
Of the relationship may be it's her plan to kick u out
Then she herself kick him out
And take a perfect revenge
Some girls get pleasure or happyness of breaking relationship..
If ur guy behaving like single infront of her
please leave this guy and move onn
Don't ever go for marriage with this guy there is no guarantee of such guy who is not loyal in relationship will not be a loyal husband in future...
Sometimes hard decision has to be taken to make future better

sillyfairy474 · Accepted Answer

Okay girl, I’m gonna give it to you straight just like I would any of my friends, hope that’s okay. Biggest red flag that stuck out to me is he is putting her feelings above yours when he said, “it would be disrespectful because she’s his ex”. This is actually a load of crap for one. If he doesn’t still have feelings for her, why is he catering to how dating someone new might affect hers and at the expense of yours? The fact that he hides you at all is a giant red flag. Says that he is compartmentalizing both of you so he doesn’t have to hurt anyone and be cut off from either of you. Super selfish. He should care enough about you to take your concerns into consideration. I had a similar situation, he wanted to hang out alone with his ex and told me I couldn’t come because “I would feel left out”. I was later told that he and his ex kept going into the bathroom together. SO there’s that. I’m not saying he is but it’s definitely not innocent when they’re always alone and then on top of that he’s compartmentalizing you from her. You’re not wrong in how you feel. Set your boundaries whether that be that your relationship needs to be out in the open or whatever and if he can’t respect that you need to walk. How he treats you is more important than joe you feel about him.

Steph25 · Accepted Answer

You need to have a talk with him bc this is unacceptable. You are his girlfriend not her. It’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex and go out with them but there needs to be boundaries. Because it seems as though he’s treating her as a girlfriend as well and she loves it. He needs to man up and tell her you are together and you have been and she needs to respect. Because what he is doing is not being respectful towards you and you deserve better. You deserve someone who will want to show you off to everyone and say this is my girlfriend. Someone who does not care if his ex knows he’s dating someone. It kind of sounds like he’s playing both of y’all. He does not sound mature enough to be dating you tbh. Why is he hiding you? Why did he hide her? There’s a chance he might be dating her too. You need to have a conversation with him and let him know that you deserve more, if he’s not willing to realize it then it might be time to end. Because he’s not making you a priority, he’s making her one. And you deserve so much more. I’m sorry if I might be rude or insensitive, I was not trying to be. But you really do deserve better, you shouldn’t have to live with anxiety or uneasiness in your relationship.

aWes0MeNeSs · Answer

It sounds like at the very least, he isn't over her, but what is most likely going on is that he IS cheating, unfortunately. The excuse about "hurting her" or it being "weird" to tell her are BS. Why is he being so secretive if nothing is going on? That makes no sense.

Also, the pictures of them cheek to cheek seem very fishy to me.

Jean-Marie_Céline · Answer

Make it clear to him you won't stand this affront in silence.

SydneySentinel · Answer

He wants to hide you from his ex, sees her everyday, and DISRESPECTS your feelings... I'm done.  Also, she doesn't know about you. That's weird enough.

itsallaroundtheworld · Answer

What kind of an asshole is he? It's a huge red flag the mere fact that he is so close with his ex to begin with. You should have obliged him to block her and stop meeting her, otherwise you would dump him. I'm sorry you are going through this! I feel like he is playing with you. Or maybe he is keeping her as a back pocket in case you two don't work out.
Start to be controlling, check his phone all the time, be the extremely jealous girlfriend. Set the boundaries. I think that if you had done these the moment you felt something was off, the situation would have been defined by now. And things wouldn't have gone this far. Tell him to block her asap! If he still goes on with "it would be disrespectful to her since she is his ex and would be weird" bullshit, tell him she is the ex and should remain in the past. There's no place for exes in the present. I feel so mad right now at that jerk, as if the situation were happening to me. I can feel your pain. My advice is either be controlling, strict, set boundaries and make him to cut her off forever, otherwise dump him. You deserve so much better!

madmaxx416905 · Answer

Honey honey honey...
You've got 2 options. Continue to be the side chick because he clearly loves his ex, or you can move on and get something a lot more stable and true. Why is he hiding his current girl from the ex? That's backwards. Grow a backbone and be true to yourself and your happiness.

It's funny any ex I've had has always remaind far away from my life even though some are attached to people I love.
Never keep my exes as friend because it's disrespectful to my current girl...
If I kept any around after the break up its been for sex and sec alone.

wingattebaby16 · Answer

Him hiding you, tells me that he is having a relationship with her, probably sexual and he does not want her knowing he also has you. I dont know if you are having sex, but any girl that finds out a guy has another girlfriend, is gonna dump him or demand he dump you.

I would tell him it is either her or you... esp with them going out behind your back.

I have been cheated on many times by men... it hurts when you find out you are the back up girlfriend... esp when I wanted a real relationship.

Sheyhoney · Answer

This is stupid af. He really don’t have the BALLS to his ex that he’s in a relationship with YOU.
its fucking embarrassing and if his ex finds out, it’s literally him making you look stupid.
tell him you won’t keep allowing that and stand up for yourself girl. Take your dignity and go. He obviously doesn’t deserve your love because I DOUBT you’re hiding him from everyone. The fact that it’s his ex makes everything so much worse.
so fr please just leave that relationship bc you don’t know if things can escalate between them (or already have !) especially since she doesn’t even know you guys are together.
He’s not giving you your place as his girlfriend and that’s just straight disrespectful periodddd💅🏼

Vencam · Answer

Sure sounds fishy...
If you say you're sure he's not cheating, maybe he has a valid reason for doing so. If I were you (and I'm a person that prioritizes sincerity in a relationship) I would ask him why he's doing it. If he still refuses to tell, I'd tell him how uncomfortable this makes me (and pretty much explain things from your point of view like you did here). If he still refuses to give any reason for that, I'd just let the other girl know somehow in a natural way (like you make her hear your voice while he's on the phone with her pretending you're not there, or having an appropriate kiss when she can see...). The last step is where things could go south, though, so beware and use your maximum social awareness!!!
Also, depending on the other girl's personality and your relationship, I'd consider talking to her about it.
Anyway, best of luck! 🍀

opnbuk59 · Answer

I'm sure your not a desperate woman and this guy is telling her he's not seeing anyone he's stringing you and her along and he's hiding you you don't need to put up with that just start making yourself unavailable when he calls, you have to have a point in which you say enough I'm gone so let him know that now you don't have to sneak around or don't explain crap just tell him I can't not to night your better than this don't ever allow any man to disrespect you in anyway if he can't hold your hand in public hug you show true affection for you, don't need to be there always think highly of you and never settle for less or a 2 timer you are to be appreciated!

Ziggystar · Answer

Goodbye unless you want to be with a dishonest person because 4 number one he crossed the line I'm broke the ultimate rule your trust so therefore how can you ever trust in him again no matter what he tells you or are you going to be one of them kind of women just going to be vendetta and be like what he cheated on me imma cheat back be a woman be a real woman don't be a hore tell him it's over with and move on I mean I don't know your feelings about him but I'm sure that you probably love him or you think you do until now because he's always going to do it no matter what and not only is he cheating on you he's cheating on his it's also and think about what he could be carrying back and forth between the two of y'all or there could be a number 3 or there could be a number for you don't know the only know you just found out to think about it you want to go ahead and take your loss now and pick up your sticks and move on or take your chances and get hurt even more in the end

cicchis0 · Answer

Yeah, that's not cool. If you're all in the same social circle, I don't understand how it hasn't come out. If he's pretending you're not going out when you're all together, that is strange. If he won't give you a good answer or act when you talk to him, you might have to bring it up with the girl or when you are all together. Depending on your style/personality, you could act all lovey-dovey with him, draping your arms around him, kissing him on the cheek and calling him by a pet name, or you could say something like, "Hey, Third Wheel, do you reckon Billy Badmanners acts like we're not even going out when we're in public? Was he like that when you guys were going out?".

FoxBro · Answer

He's still in love with his ex. He's acting the way he is so if/when you break up, he can run into her arms.

Personally I'd dump my partner in such a situation. If you think that's too far, make your feelings clear to him. Tell him you don't like his behavior. He's going to react badly, it's up to you how you handle it from there

Anonymous · Answer

This is not okay. It's unacceptable to hide that you're dating someone, especially when you're hiding it from your ex. That indicates he still has some feelings towards her or wants to keep his options open. I don't like how he's behaving with her as well, seems like they're a little too close. It's very understandable that this makes you feel uncomfortable. You deserve so much better, someone who is proud to call you his girlfriend and someone who respects you, instead of keeping you a secret. I'm telling you this because I can relate to how you feel. My boyfriend is texting his ex everyday (they're "just friends"), talking on Whatsapp, Facebook and Instagram. They would meet up to "have dinner together" in town. Found out this weekend that they're calling behind my back and he lies about it. Find yourself a real man, who will stand up for you and listens to your worries, instead of making the feelings of his ex priority number one.

dmgstarfleet · Answer

You know what's going on. You are 20 and at that age you do not have the experience to realize that the signs don't lie. You are trying to comfort yourself and tell yourself that these signs mean what he says they do-they don't. Everything you fear is happening IS happening. He's either back with her and you're side hump or he is trying to get back with her and you are maintenance hump until he gets her back. Open your eyes, accept what you know is true and either tolerate that status (and realize how pathetic that makes you) or respect yourself and move on. Seriously.

SarahsSummer · Answer

GET OUT! He is totally playing you! Don’t be naive, STOP being disrespected and GET OUT. If he really viewed you as his girlfriend, he would want not only his ex but EVERYONE to know. His excuse about not telling her “It would be disrespectful to her since she is his ex and it would be weird since we know each other and spent time” is complete bullshit. Was he sleeping with you while in a relationship with her? Did he break up with you and start dating her?

hopefulecynic · Answer

You should drop that guy. This is just the tip of the iceberg. he's gonna try more and more shit and push you further and further until you waste valuable time and effort you can't get back.

I would not allow my boyfriend to go out with his ex's nor would I accept him hiding me.

he's still trying to decide between the 2 of you.

He introduces you to her at the very least. Or you're out.

ayushad · Answer

You are right on your part you should ask him to either tell her or you would & see what he responds...
if he denies to tell her then i think you should tell her to keep boundaries with him & you both are in relationship if he is truly with u he would stay like that & if he is not with you truly then his behavior would be different...
see it is really imp for partners to be acknowledged by their peers when they are in relationship , it is their right to be...
And if he is not willing to then you really have to communicate with him & think that where is this relationship is going...

baconninjadc · Answer

Cut the story time down to a direct conversation with him about how you feel and what you expect. I can appreciate someone that does not want to wound their EX at the same time it shouldn't take priority over his relationship with you. Another thing is you might find out why he behaves this way it could be interesting. Maybe she's got cancer or maybe he still loves her you never know.

SjE78 · Answer

why would he want to hide you, tbh if you and he are serious then he should be proud of you, not hide you away...

though the only explanation for this would be his ex is toxic and controlling and he might fear what she'd do to ruin your relationship with him

but even then hiding you away from her would make even me suspicious as to what he's hiding

Rohan-Thanekar · Answer

Ok let's find out,,

First of all there is limit between any opposite sex friends,, by Ur situation I don't think it's a good sign for u,,

Secondly,, if I am dating someone I truly love ,, I'll definitely tell my friends & introduce my love,,

only if someone is planning to play games then he will hide things from World

Anonymous · Answer

It wouldn't be disrespectful to her if he told her about you. It's disrespectful to you that he doesn't tell her about you (if there's "nothing to worry about"). If he's going to tell her soon, why not tell her now! But sometimes boys aren't always honest with their girlfriends. That's why I recommend reading "Woman to Women" (free from kobo books). It's a fast read but it's full of very interesting insights into a man's intentions. You might find you can relate - the way you're being treated by your "boyfriend".
Don't be surprised, hon, if he is cheating. Good luck with this one.

Ianto · Answer

I'm afraid it sounds very much like he is more focused on her than you. If he isn't sleeping with her already, he wants to, and is making sure his relationship with you doesn't interfere with his chances.
My guess though is that he is playing you both.
Your options are limited. Insist that he treat you as a proper girlfriend in her presence. Should he refuse, you have to end it

jshmoe · Answer

Just got out of an almost relationship exactly like this. I am the ex and we broke up right before Christmas. She blocked me on social media for a couple of weeks but when I friended her again there were some “missing” posts I only just found out this last week. We hung out all the time and I ask her out all the time but she said we’ll take it slow so we were just going to parks and stuff. We would text every day and everything. Out of nowhere a guy messages me saying to stay away from his girlfriend. I saw on his profile and they were a couple since right after we broke up. The worst part is our mutual friends knew and didn’t tell me.

I’d of loved to know she wasn’t single so I wouldn’t put so much effort and time. I’d rather know and move on than be what we were.

This is painful to share but I hope this helps

worldscolide · Answer

There might be a good reason for it..

Let me give you an example from my own life. My ex was violent in the extreme. She is the reason i have scars on my face. I am genuinely afraid of her. I changed my name and moved cities because of her.. I DEFINITELY hid my wife from her.. She threatened me, her, her family.. the works.. So yeah there might be a good reason..

In your situation i do not know why he does that.

Marklaw12 · Answer

He will have to trust you. If he is hiding you. You will have to give him a chance to explain. You should casually ask for an explanation.
You will have to ask him point blank if he is cheating on you. You will know from his answer. If his first response is don't be ridiculous, are you serious right now. He might be cheating but if he starts by saying no in a smooth voice then he is not lying. You will know your man more than myself you will know. Listen to his tone. Good luck

Massageman · Answer

Two is company and three is a crowd.

He apparently wants to keep his options open with BOTH of you.
You SHOULD be "so NOT okay with that".
Eventually he will have to choose - her or you.
Unless if you leave now and find someone who gives you the attention and focus you deserve- one on one! :- )

Maraneva · Answer

Um... Simply put, you're not being respected here. And you're definitely not on top of his priority list. Take a stand. That ex knows about you or you walk away🤷

Avicenna · Answer

Tell him what your expectations are. Some people will try to get away with as much as they can if you let them.

aly34 · Answer

Girl move on. dump this confused chap who doesn't know how to maintain boundaries. she should respect u and respect your relationship with him. if he can't tell about ur relationship with him, y r u wd him. find someone who is proud of u. leave him. dont waste ur time with him. let him be with that girl. dont be a part of their mess. u ll find someone better

G3tAClue · Answer

I think he’s playing both of you. He says it’s disrespectful to her to tell her about you. It’s more disrespectful to YOU to hide you from her. He’s openly in a relationship with both of you and you’re letting it happen. So I would run as fast as I could if I were you.

nella965 · Answer

it means that he doesn't want you to be officially seen as his girlfriend in front of everyone in his life. if he doesn't want to introduce you to his friends, then it very well also means you will never see his parents. dump him. Chances are he's just using you or you're just the second option for him.

yucychan · Answer

I don't know why you are tolerating this bs. Because it looks like he and she are in a relationship while you are the third party.
I think the truth is that he and she got back together. You mentioned that you feel like you are the third party because you are.
However, he didn't tell you that because he was afraid that you will leave him. So, he lied to you instead, saying that you and him are now a couple instead, while cheating on his real girlfriend.
Have some dignity and just leave.

JohnAlaska43 · Answer

Red Flags keeping ex close is never good. Its like your a side piece to be honest. If he truelly loves you he doesn't need her in his life. Exs dont need to be in any current relationships. Make it clear your unconfortable with it. If he can't accept that Think its best to leave him.

LoU_Hades · Answer

It sounds like you're a backup girl or a lever to make the other chick standing in the row. Such "relationships" without any obligations develop often that way.
Option 1: you find another guy and you play the same game with him
Option 2: you make him clear I or she and you go away if doesn't want to make a choice.
Option 3: you forget him and you look for someone else.

5_AM_Oracle · Answer

He either makes it clear what his status is or YOU will. If there's a disagreement, you should reconsider this relationship, since it doesn't seem like he moved on yet

Arsam · Answer

Hello dear, when someone hides a topic from you it can be for two purposes: firstly it is embarrassing to talk about it and secondly it is afraid that it will lose you by saying it. . The best way is to look at your boyfriend now how he is with you, what is past is past.

vivek_ · Answer

I think he still has feelings for her and he treats you like a second option or a backup plan and also he doesn't wants her to know about your relationship that's a clear indication. I won't say that he is cheating another girl but i would say he is cheating you only just to get her back and i think you should tell her about your relationship as soon as possible then you will be able see a clear picture

katjmj · Answer

A lot of those things you said I cannot allow if I was in your situation. Although I have to wonder, if you're in the same circle, are you and the girl also friends?

pleasestopthis · Answer

He is still in love with that girl. There are two options.
1. They didn't ever break up and you're his side chick, then obviously you MUST remain a secret.
2. He wants to get back together with her. If so, if she knows of you two it may ruin his possibilities.

One thing is sure: She is his priority. Regardless of what options ends up being the real, just get out and look for a guy that really loves you.

Anonymous · Answer

so many options...
1. dump him
2. confront him and dump him
3. kill the other bitch and dump him
4. wrap a potato sack around both they're heads and have some thugs beat the shit outta them and uh DUMP him (but make sure neiter of them know you were behind the thugs

masseylacey906 · Answer

That is wrong, he has reservations with her, it seems. Cause he should t b keeping u a secret. I would have a serious conversation with him about it.

Anonymous · Answer

First off this is a red flag!! Either he is leading his ex on as if she has a future with him. Or, he is leading YOU on as if you have a future with him. It’s best you just get out of this situation because any guy that REALLY wants you will not put you in this situation just saying!!!

curiosityonboard · Answer

Maybe he just dont want you to know about his past with her. And if you are not comfortable with that tell him that but i advice that please dont dig the past. Enjoy present and hope for a better future

honestGUY45 · Answer

He's not being true to any relationship, friends or not. The only thing I see that is fair is he hid you from her when they were together. If that's the extent of his respect for his friends and girlfriends, it's up to you to decide to stay and take it, or drop everything. I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with his type on any level. He can't be trusted.

Dchrls78104 · Answer

If I left a girl for another, I wouldn't hide it from the ex; but I wouldn't parade her in front of the ex either. There would be no point to that. I'd simply and clearly let the ex know that I'd found a new love in my life and that our romantic relationship was over.

saggittarius039112 · Answer

Wow. Screw that guy. He is stringing you while he reconnected with his ex. I would Never hide my girlfriend from any of my exs. Nit that i hang out with any of them anyway. Thats just wrong...

Forte89 · Answer

Guys shouldn't be close friends with girls when in committed relationships. It will only cause confusion, jealousy, and problems in general. Be honest with how you feel and go from there. Anything beyond that is out of your control.

Rohailhyt · Answer

Hmmm being a man i would yell you something you should always know. Since the world is made, man's desire is got have as many women as he can. There is no logic of being friends after brakeup... It is just a safe access to friends with benefits... In short if he is your boyfriend then you must the the moat important perst to him than his so called friend that was some time back his girlfriend.

claryy · Answer

I think that he is disrespecting you and this isn't right because you should be his priority. I think that he is still in love with her and he is using you while he waits that girl to come back to him

MysteriousDarkness · Answer

Get rid of him because a man knows how to treat a lady right so obviously he is not a man. He cares more about hos ex than you since he hides you from her and seems to spend more time with her. Once again get rid of him.

Chanel1981 · Answer

He is putting her feelings before yours, why did they break up?

Barbarian8 · Answer

I feel sorry for you. Speak to him and be honest about your feeling.
Just keep in mind most of modern relationships looks like yours. It is a culture now and I know some people who do same and I am puzzled

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

Dear Eira99 you already know what you want to do I can feel the intensity in your writings you have already decided so follow your heart and take the step!!!

wankiam · Answer

he should just tell her he has moved on... if he refuses too then maybe you should move on because its clear he is hiding something from you

Ruby3 · Answer

I don't think he is trustworthy, there are different ways in which he can tell his ex without hurting her emotion. if he is concerned with his ex emotion then he should 10 times more concerned about your emotion

standingUP · Answer

This Dude is a snake.. and you're the backburner girl.. NOBODY WOULD BE OK WITH THAT.. I wish I could go smack em up for ya.

just_chubby_ · Answer

if your man loyal to you then just ask him to show his loyalty by confronting his frnd head on and let him choose whether he wanys to be with his ex or you let him take the final decision and you'll know what he really thinks about u

Finchie40 · Answer

I didn’t even have to read your whole story, Dump his ass , he already doesn’t respect you if he is still hanging out with his ex , don’t fall for that shit , kick his ass to the curb

Smoothing · Answer

He should not hide you from his ex unless he is still interested in her

1828avaava1828 · Answer

Your boyfriend isn’t a high quality man. You deserve someone who k ones how to act and treat a lady. Into the next boyfriend 🥊 🥊

Boyfriend wants to hide from me from his ex? What should I do?

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