So my girlfriend makes double as much as i do and we are same age. I just got my bachelors degree and she has her masters degree since a year now. The difference is that i had to finance my tuition fee completely out of my own pocket and i spent all my salaries over the years to get it. To make it happen i had to omit everything for years long - parties, trips, vacations (i still had paid vacations but couldn't travel whatsoever), medical expenses, you name it. she however got huge scholarships specific to women only because of the field she majored in is STEM (mine is STEM too) and there are such scholarships available for both bachelor and master studies. She also traveled more often than i did. and If i want to enroll into masters study, I'll have to pay out of my own pocket again. Yes, i checked for scholarships and despite my high GPA i didn't qualify still. What a pain in my behind.
well, i don't want to make a problem out of it but I'm getting some kind of anxiety, that she may leave me and she could easily do that. I know lots of guys, who have a masters degree (they got their tuition sponsored, mine wasn't) and work jobs, that are one or two levels above me and they're still single.
i feel even less talking about it to her because i don't want to break or fix what isn't exactly broken. It may give her an idea. Or it can jeopardize the security of the relationship. You see where I'm going this? How do i keep her? 😐😐😐
Girlfriend makes double salary of what I make. How do I keep her?
I like the way you wrote this. You sound like a reasonable fellow. Not an easy situation though, is it?
Don't even give it a second thought, some of the guys who say simply, "Break up with her." You know that's not the answer. We humans have to endure all sorts of difficult situations, psychologically. It just what it is. Try and stay strong.
I don't think you necessarily need to talk to her about this. I get what you're saying about putting thoughts into her head. Not all thoughts and concerns are best expressed. And we all have crosses to bear. I would just try and remind yourself that she is not making it a problem, so why should you. If you've found yourself a good woman, then congratulations and don't you self-sabotage it, ok? Don't know if you ever watched Sex and the City, but those group of women were quite successful in New York City, which is not an easy feat. They all had their different opinions, they were of different archetypes, of course (Carrie being the least financially secure, as a writer.) One episode was all about money, and their views on it. It got into a very heated exchange between two friends. But Samantha, the one who was 'most male' in her thinking, quite often, said it well, "It's just money. Man, woman, who cares, it's fluid. Someone needs it, you give it. You need it, you take it." Lucky you, anon, you might just end up marrying a Samantha. Now wouldn't that be nice?
This is ultimately about anxiety and self-worth. As other pinks have said, sure, we have to be honest and realistic and say that there are some females in the world for whom this would matter. But there are many, many for whom this doesn't factor in at all. What will make you feel better about this? And how can I write anything succinctly that would make a difference for you?
1. Has your girlfriend ever said, or implied, anything in your time together so far, that gave you pause, and indicates that she is concerned about this? (Keeping in mind that all people do, to some extent, want and need at least a certain level of security to feel comfortable, happy, and not stressed. But people have different levels at their minimum.) Her thinking in this is probably the most important variable. 2. Remind yourself that relationships end often, and for all sort of reasons. Things will come up, the longer you are together, but the length of time you spend together also deepens the bond you have. She's probably a smart girl (Masters, scholarship, and all that), and you are as well. You are not in this financial situation for irresponsible reasons or actions on your part. Financial inequity going into the relationship is not one of the top reasons relationships end. Differing ideologies, or responsibility levels, or money management habits are, though. And by the sounds of it, this is also not an issue here. 3. Perhaps you need to hear several personal accounts from women telling you how if they were in this situation they would love you just the same. Look, everyone looks for the best person that they can get. A person's financial standing is important. Money buys you a lot of things in life, particularly freedom. But money is one variable in a very complex formula, of plusses and minuses, which all add up to who a person is. When I first came across my husband, he was my ex-boyfriend's friend. And he (they) lived in another country. And he was of another race. And his family wasn't exactly thrilled about my race, or my family background, yada yada. And he had a $30K stock trading tax bill to pay (from recklessly learning a very hard lesson about investing), and I had just $2K in my bank account. He had far more money earning potential than I did, but look at all the obstacles we had to overcome. We chose each other based on personality, on character, and on that intangible alchemy of two people coming together, and just clicking. You don't mesh all the time, and sometimes you want to just shove them out the door, let's be real, but when you find someone that you can spend most of your free time with, and who makes you feel good about yourself, and appreciate you for all the good (and bad) that you are, hold onto them, man. Don't push her out the door because you fear you won't be enough for her. If that's the case, she'll eventually let you know. But right now, just as you know and said, don't make problems where there are none. Enjoy this time. Don't waste it.
Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful response. There is no way I will jeopardize our relationship with the money issues, less so breaking up. Only weak boys do that and i am not a weak boy as you can see.
I can see your point there. I understood it's "dont ask, dont tell". I like that. Last I checked the stats and according to wikipedia most divorces happen because of cheating and abuse and not because of money (at least 16 years ago), so that is a huge relief for me. phew! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Causes
Interesting youtube video you posted there. Say, do women actually feel uneasy talking about money like this video shows? Are men the ones, who are more often concerned about money on such an obvious level? Because if that is true, then I might just have found a way to keep her :D
I don't think any person, whatever gender, is immune to the hugely influential effects of being valued for one's income. Men have it much, much worse. No doubt about it. And as a male friend said to me, "No offence, but your concerns about your own money-making problems are just not on the same level as a guy's, since you are married. Women in relationships don't have the same level of responsibility being put on them." I agree with this. But when you are talking feelings of guilt, nothing feels worse than not bringing in equal numbers to a relationship. However, as I said, and try to remind myself, money is not everything, does not encapsulate who we are and what we bring to the lives of others.
But to get back to your question - yes, women are uneasy talking about money. I have never found that girls/women talk about money. In general, people tend to easily complain about the cost of things, of life, unexpected expenses, money-saving tips, etc, but they do not tend to talk (or brag) about windfalls, or inequities. It's partly modesty, partly a search for sympathy. And I never hear women comparing what they make. It's a point of pride, just as for men. And therefore a potential source of embarrassment, and competition. And women tend not to compete in the same open and more direct ways that men do. I'm not saying that men are going around proclaiming how much money they make or have. It's just that women are much, much more passive in their approach to life's conflicts, and as we all know, this sometimes lead to passive-aggressiveness, or angry or snide remarks that seem to come out of left field but are, in fact, related to the current topic somehow.
Everyone's judging everyone, sizing them up. This scene, although written by a man, a gay man (based on the columns and books of a real life successful New Yorker female, the writer character), has summarized it well. These women are best friends, and they actually don't fight that often, but this inequity in who-deserves-what... it came to a head here. People defend what they have, and how they got it. But they also often, deep down, believe that they were either more or less lucky than another. Because this series was about four women and their dating escapades and relationships over many years, and many men came and went (after about a decade they did all find true love, though), at the core of this story (stories) is the idea that they will be there for each other. Men, or no men. They believe in each other, support each other. But in the real world, no two people (or four) are identical, in their habits, decisions, and luck. Wise people have some objectivity about this, and put their ego aside when necessary, to acknowledge that sometimes by wrongdoing but often by no wrongdoing, the amount of money someone has compared to another, does not define or value who they are. People who truly care about each other give to the other. It doesn't matter what sex they are. Some people, and some cultures/nationalities are holding more tightly onto these gender roles and stereotypes, but the brightest, most evolved people just are not bothered by external image of these, what now many people consider to be archaic gender roles. And besides that, loving someone deeply can trump many other things, in importance.
I will never understand this way of thinking. I see a ton of men on here obsessing with the belief that men needing to be the breadwinners, and I honestly have no idea why that is. Furthermore, I don't understand why so many men think that all women care about is what they make. Like it is so much more important than who they are as a person and how they act and treat their partner. I am sure there are SOME girls out there like that (golddiggers), but the vast majority of REAL women are not like that. You can't tell me that you honestly think that little of your girlfriend. Do you? You honestly think that she would just through all of your good times, history, and love out the window just because she makes more than you? What you need is to stop being so insecure. I can guarantee that she never started dating you thinking that you would be rich someday. Especially if she is highly educated (and intelligent) like you say she is, then she clearly has the mindset and motivation to pursue her own path and if money had meant that much to her she would have gone after someone rich by inheritance. But for real, being insecure about these petty things will ruin a relationship faster than you can say "student loans". So I would stop obsessing and start making the most of the time you guys have together. Someday, when you inevitably work your way up the corporate ladder, you guys won't have as much time together and you are going to look back with regret that you were worried for nothing instead of making today count by spending time and making memories together. You are only young for a short time, but you will have the rest of your life to make money.
I don't understand why would u worry about this? She has already picked you! ... am I not correct here? Is she giving you some reasons to worry? It shouldn't be a big deal at all so many times it's the complete opposite to where the girls are in same situation as you are. I guess if she is that shallow of a person to make you 2nd guess if you are good enough for her then your better off without her. If it's just you over thinking this then don't be a jealous fool or don't be childish with your actions towards her being the bread winner, instead be thankful and just enjoy your life together! I mean what other choice do u really have, rifht?
Dude if you're this worried about it do you really think you should be with her. I mean i get everything you just said. But what about this what if youget married and a month later she has a brain aneurysm that reduces her mental capabilities to that of a 10 yr. Old. The vows are in sickness and in health till death do us part. There's always going to be some a**hole out there that makes more money than you. What SHOULD matter is effort you have put forth to provide. And if that doesn't matter to her, get out now! Let her be someone elses problem.
Only a shallow woman who doesn't respect you would leave you because of that. Any woman in her right mind would just want a man who is willing to take care of her and the family IF they end up becoming one. I wouldn't worry about that. It's understandable. But I personally believe anybody be it male or female would have those insecurities. Do you sense she is one of those women? Maybe you should have thought about that before dating her exclusively. Other than that, put those thoughts behind you. When she starts talking about wanting to be rich is when you better run.
Can you like give yourself some credit and relax? You are an honest guy, you paid everything out of your own pocket money, no scholarships and a lot of sacrifices. Don't you think you are more than qualified to earn her love? Inversely speaking, what has she done to deserve what she has? Just because she is a woman in STEM field, she gets to have the scholarship? It's kind of dangerous because it seems you are doing everything for her, from getting a Master's degree to having a job, it's all for her. When are you going to do things for yourself?
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What are you talking about? I couldn't do anything for her in terms of affording things or eating out somewhere nice from time to time.
My point is there's no use worrying about it. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. She has been with you all this while, right, despite what you've been through. Do you really think that low of yourself? That your girlfriend is so materialistic that she will dump you for another guy for such shallow reasons?
It can happen when i least expect it to. And if there's a time for it, it can be now or tomorrow or in a year. Who knows? Hopefully never? Being abandoned can come without any warning signs whatsoever.
in todays age. females and non-white males are going to collage more. with more or better scholarship and loan options. that are specific to those minority groups. over half of collage students are female also.
but those scholarships and loans. can also mean their in more debt. they have to pay back eventually. because they are not always a full or free ride though collage.
since you paid out of pocket for most of your own schooling. you'll most likely have less debt to pay off in the long term at least.
fields where women typically go for. they do make equal or more money then the males. if they put in the effort, time and hours to do so.
however fields women don't typically go for. are normally high risk to self. but more offer a higher reward as payment for doing that type of job. like trade skill jobs that keep everything else running.
You have to up your game don't settle always do what you can to advance your station this you should be doing for yourself and then get your swagger going turn up your confidence a little be a little more romantic take her out dancing if you can dance if not put some effort into an inexpensive evening that's full of her interests that will help solidify the emotional part and probably most important you've got to take her on sexual journeys that blow her mind and make her legs stiff for days. No matter what a woman wants a man that makes her nervous in a good way a man that can make her blush when he's not even there. Remember this above all things, if she dumps you over money like in your situation then she's not the one for you anyways
Just act as if you make the most money, carry yourself with the confidence of someone who makes three times your income. If she brings up money talk, just stick to the facts and don't bring emotion into it, just talk about finances the same way you'd talk about something boring like doing the laundry. She'll follow your lead, if it's a problem for you, it'll become a problem for her.
But also don't get arrogant and start wasting money on useless shit just to prove that you *can*. Just act as if her finances/ education are none of your business and stick to your own path, women respect men who have a mission and stick by it no matter what.
It's not about faking rich; I mis-spoke. I just mean, she will look to your reactions to inform her own feelings. If you seem unaffected by her income and education level, then she'll assume its no big deal. But if you're feeling like there's something "wrong" with you coz she makes more money, then she'll pick up those insecure vibes, and it's the insecurity that will tilt her emotional biases against you
I won't let that happen. However that doesn't stop her from finding someone, who makes as much as her if not even more. That is if she wants to or comes to such an idea. Hence I want to keep her but ultimately if money is that important, then it was not meant to be.
I mean when I was studying and focusing every dollar towards paying for my next semester (and barely resting) she went to business trips, vacations abroad, went to spas, sportsclubs and all these recreations and eating out in the upper-middle class cafes. She didn't have to spend much money to get those degrees and could therefore afford all of it.
That's fair enough, but still, the fact you're focusing on that says more about your own priorities than it says about hers. And if it makes you feel any better, there's a hundred reasons besides money and education that a woman can leave her boyfriend. Jf she gets it in her mind that she's gonna leave you for someone else, she'll find a justification to do that. Her making more money than you just gives her a rationalisation to tell her girlfriends on the off chance she ever left you. Might not be very inspirational of me to point this out, but the fact is, you could spend your whole life doing everything "perfectly" and have all the money and all the education... and women can still leave you for some arbitrary excuse anyways. So might as well focus on what you WANT rather than focusing on what you DON'T want. Where attention goes, energy flows.
Yeah, I figured that too. I do wonder however how important money itself is for women. Because for them it seems to be more important than money is to us.
From what i can tell the money itself is just a clue about the kind of guy she's dealing with. So if she's already attracted to you knowing what she knows about your finances, then i doubt she'll wake up one day like "omg i need a rich man". The fact you're a self made man says more about who you are than the fact she got a cozy scholarship with a guaranteed high salary after graduation. You can't define your value relative to hers, coz in life your biggest competition is always yourself.
Ok so step 1. Stop thinking she’s better than you/you don’t deserve her. It changes how you act and treat her, and not in a positive way. She’s with you because she wants to, she’s no better than you.
Step 2. Relax. If she leaves you because you don’t make as much money as her then good riddance. You dodged a bullet in that case, go out and find a better and less shallow woman who you can actually have a future with.
I earn more than my man and also tend to "wear the pants" in our household. It works well for us, I'm happy, he's happy. I don't see why you would think she'd leave you, unless she has shown suspicious behaviour before.
Don't be insecure about her earning more. It's not a confident look and would make her feel less attracted to you. Plan romantic dates, be more generous in bed, and put in effort in the relationship to keep her.
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