Would you leave your partner if they wanted full say on how YOUR kids were raised?

[Anonymous]

So, I have 3 kids. I met my boyfriend when my youngest was only a year old. he's great to my kids, yes, but he gets frustrated and becomes an asshole when he gets in those moments. Screaming. Freaking the fuck out for literally, the littlest of mistakes they make, etc.

My kids are 9, 7 and 4. We met when my youngest was 1. In the beginning he was respectful enough but as soon as I moved in with him, he completely took over and made me feel like I had no idea what I was doing when it came to parenting. He has no kids of his own but definitely had the "I got this" outlook on life. So, soon after moving in he developed this attitude of "I am the dad now. Obey me." Which, in turn, took away all my say when it came to the kids.

He grounds them. Yells when necessary. Spanks my youngest when he misbehaves enough to do so (usually when he hits someone else first). Never confides in me when it comes to any of it. Whenever I try speaking to him about this, he INSTANTLY jumps to "I'm just going to check out. They are your kids and you have more say anyways." I have tried telling him numerous times that that is NOT how this works and that if he wants to be with me, it needs to be 50/50. He can't just "check out". He stepped in, which I am grateful for, but he CANNOT overstep me. I have tried instilling this in him so many times but he doesn't grasp it at all. He just wants to 'check out' whenever I bring it up.

Now, my question, would you stay with someone like this? I'm having a hard time figuring out whether or not he is a complete control freak (hence, him making me feel like I have zero say over my kids) or if he truly has the best intentions at heart. Please help.

[Finchie40]

Why single Mom’s need to go for Single Dad’s , You got involved with someone that has no clue on having children , and the fact that they aren’t his kids he more than likely resents them in a way. You as a Mom should of really thought long and hard before putting your children into a situation like this , being a single parent is a very hard job. But protecting your children should be the most important thing whether you were struggling or stressed out , getting involved with someone that doesn’t have kids is a wrong move for the most part because they think they can handle it until it is thrown right in front of their face. Especially at your children’s ages. So you need to ask yourself did you move in with this guy cuz you were desperate and tired of struggling? And he treated you with love and respect? Hate to break it to you but he was more than likely talking with his dick So If that was the case then you need to get your kids and
Get out , the fact this motherfucker is hitting your kids is time for you to leave. You are only putting your children in harms way by tolerating this abuse from this guy. I am a single Dad with 3 kids , my kids are older now. But when they were young , I would not bring any girl I was dating around them until I felt that girl was going to be loving and committed and stand by my side , if she even mentioned meeting my children after a few dates I say sorry not going to happen , Kids get attached very easily to someone new if that person doesn’t last not only are you hurt but your children suffer as well , especially at your children’s ages. Step parenting is a very hard job as well because they don’t have the same love as an actual parent does to their children , it’s a whole different realm People can easily say they love kids, but when it isn’t their kid that’s a whole different story. The fact that this guy is saying this is my house and my rules. Is your answer right there to get out because he doesn’t look at you as a partner he looks at you like he has power over
You and control , that isn’t love that is abuse. True love is when someone says what’s mine is hers what’s hers is mine , when people use things they have to gain over someone else that isn’t love that is a narcissistic manipulation and control.

[StephenCF]

As a non-parent, it’s difficult to say for now, but it’s possible I’d leave if her method of nurturing was far too different than my own. I’d like to have some influence over my kids so that I can properly bond with them 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

[Asker]

Absolutely understandable!

[celin98]

"I’d like to have some influence over my kids so that I can properly bond with them 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦"

that's right👍👌🏻😊

[Tish94]

From the other side.

My partner has 2 kids 7 and 9
I have no kids

I tell his kids off when they are naughty because they are now also mine ( you have been together for 3 years. That makes him a dad. Not biological but emotionally. )

We invest just as much into the kids as you do. Yes we did not make them but we take time and effort to invest in this little rugrats of yours.

I dont spank his kids because I would spank them a lot more often than he does. I was raised on hidings and being grouded. I had to learn like all kids that my behavior have consequences. I thank my parents for every hiding i got as a kid. Almost wish I had more. I suck at time management 🙃 🤣.

You have to talk to him if something is bothering you or something else is on your mind. Tell him how you feel and thank him for his input as its not always easy especially since we often soooo often get reminders from everyone that " you are not their parent. So you don't get a say". So when we try and help in the ways we know and we get told off for it... yes we do check out...

Co peranting is not easy because we have to consider everyone else but often don't get consideration at all.

But know this my partner and i live together. And I made his kids understand from day dot that this is my house and here we treat everyone with respect. And if they can respect me as their dads partner then it would hurt this household. I sat them down and told them that I love them like they are my own but I am not their friend nor do I want to be. And if I get told that I'm not their mom anyways. I tell them they are correct im not their mom but I love them like I am.

Take from that what you can and I hope it helps. Sorry if it's confusing currently cooking 3 different meals coz they don't want this they want that🤯and working on getting gifts for birthdays while in isolation 😬

[btbc92]

You just allowed a person to abuse your kids and overstep you as the parent. Remove him and shame on you for allowing this. Hell yeah, I would NOT marry that kind of person. I don't agree with having sex outside of marriage or children outside of marriage. But if somebody said they want a full say when we are the parents, not just one, goodbye. You are not touching my kids. He is NOT the father. And he is not being a father. He is abusive. I grew up with this, why would I subject myself and the future of my children to my past? No way! Discipline is one thing. But this is not how you discipline children and now these poor children will grow up thinking it's okay for a man to abuse women, and men are evil. Take your kids out of this environment, get yourself OUT AND Away from him, and don't do this again. This is wrong. He has 0 respect for you, women, and children. This is why his butt doesn't have children of his own, and shouldn't be a married, a parent, or even involved with somebody. Shouldn't until he learns. He needs to grow up.

[OlderAndWiser]

If he had the best intentions, he would demonstrate how to people can work cooperatively in a relationship. You didn't mention whether any of your kids are girls. Do you want them to grow up thinking that this is how a relationship works?

[hahahmm]

You have a history of picking the wrong guys. You should’ve stopped at kid number 1 to figure that out. But here we are. I’m not saying that to be cruel. I’m saying, wake up & stop repeating the same mistakes. But it’s like you’re trapped inside the sinking Titantic & you’re asking if it’s a good idea to go on a boat trip?


Since you picked this guy you can’t put 100% of his behavior on him as if a stranger did a home invasion and now you want to ‘kill’ him. You need to at least make a brief attempt to ger him on the right path.


If I’m in your shoes I would tell him :
1. that he needs to get help for his anger management issues or we’re done. Give him a few days to think but if he has a tude about it after that, start packing. This could motivate him to reconsider too. But if not it’s over.
2. No more yelling at the kids or touching them in anger till he deals with #1 and knows how to balance stuff. Tell him he’s acting like a woman & a man is supposed to have self control BECAUSE the consequences of a man losing control gets people killed and he’s setting a bad example for the kids. Now, mind you, men & women tend to naturally have different approaches to raising kids. Both should be able to co-exist & compliment each other when things are done right. You can’t have two leaders tho. And unless you want your daughters to grow up acting like dudes & your sons to grow up acting like women you need the traditional balance.


It could be that he’s a lost cause. Your kids are being damaged by all of the relationship problems & out of control dudes you allow to impact their lives. It goes deeper than blaming others. Look within for solutions. Ask people from good, stable families for advice too.

[Asker]

I know. I am very self aware and realize that my shitty choices have landed me where I am. I have attempted to speak to my boyfriend and I have actually mentioned all that you have listed above. He has since started going to the gym to beat on a punching bag whenever he is pissed off so that he can calm down and handle things better. He started going about 3 weeks ago and his attitude did improve slightly but now he is discussing wanting to go to a different gym because he doesn't like "the price" of the one he is going to and has settled on one that is actually more expensive (but he's cool with that because it offers massages). It just seems so up and down. I apparently suck at communicating these needs because he instantly thinks I am attacking him, even if I make every single effort to make it a "we" problem, versus a "you" problem.

[Asker]

He had an extremely rough childhood and I dont think he ever overcame it. I mean, I went through things he did, almost to an identical stand point. But I was able to overcome it whereas he refuses to seek help other than the gym. He thinks therapy is a waste of time and energy and feels like they will just judge him. His anger is something that is completely and totally out of control and not to make excuses for him here, but it is rare that it gets to that point. Since he doesn't communicate his needs or feelings, he bottles everything up until eventually he completely explodes and cannot control himself during those moments. He has broken chairs and punched walls. The kids weren't around for this and he makes a point to take it outside when he has these moments but who knows if that will get worse over time. He truly is a good guy and the amount of potential he has is astounding. However, I'm fully aware that I cannot fix him, though I desperately want to because I know what kind of man he is when he doesn't allow his anger to get the best of him. You know? Like, I dont want to be that woman who walks away from someone in need but I also dont want to be that mother who sweeps things under the rug. Since I started speaking up to him about him spanking my sons butt, he has not touched him. Since I spoke to him about the yelling, he has started isolating himself. So, that to me just says "I dont want to deal with my actual problems but since you mentioned it and challenged my masculinity, I'm going to completely self isolate and make you feel bad".

[hahahmm]

Well it’s good you made some moves.

Yes, people with issues are drawn to others with issues. Some of us can reprogram ourselves but some need professional help. His refusal to seek help, as you say, is not acceptable since he’s unable to fix it on his own. I’ve known people like him who make a half -azzed effort. They will drag it out for 50 years if you let them. Just put a deadline on how long he has to go get help. Give him a month for example. Don’t play games or let him wing it. This is too important.

[Asker]

That's not a bad idea at all. I guess I'm just scared he will fly off the deep end if I give him any sort of ultimatum. I mean, he has never harmed me physically at all but I guess just seeing what he is capable of makes me fear that one day, if I set him off, maybe he will. he's never given me reason to think that. I guess I'm just hard-wired to think like that based off watching my mother be put in the hospital so many times in the hands of domestic violence.

[hahahmm]

On a subconscious level you probably are putting up with his bs BECAUSE your mom put up with your dad’s bs. You probably know this already based on some of what you’ve said. You don’t want your kids to have this problem when they grow up!

When you talk to the guy explain how you grew up & how his behavior AND your behavior might mess up the kids & you’re not going to be a part of that anymore. If he’s worth being with at all he will man up.

If you’re so afraid of him that you can’t have the conversation that’s a red flag the size of the moon.

[Asker]

That's true. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you, by the way. Most people just instantly jumped to bashing me and single mothers.

[hahahmm]

No problem... I just read a message you wrote to someone about how your boyfriend works 10 hours/week & you work 60. Plus you own the house. Based on that I’d also say, if he makes less than you plus he’s only working 10 hours, that’s a problem. Is that the situation?

[Asker]

Unfortunately, yes. So, in the more recent months my boyfriend actually expressed to me that he is resentful of the fact that he is taking on the financial responsibility of kids that aren't his and cut his hours down to 10 hours a week. I'm not sure if it is because he is actually resentful of it or simply because he absolutely hates his job. His manager kind of treats him like shit. Like, he texts him constantly and bitches him out and it has been going on since he started working there 2 years ago. So, he gave up his title as manager and cut back to part time and is currently searching for other employment.

[hahahmm]

There’s a lot of things going on here beyond anger management. Feel free to DM if you want.

[yucychan]

No. I would not stay with someone like that.
Your boyfriend got one thing right though. Those are your kids, not his. Those are your precious little ones which you painstakingly gave birth to after 9 months of labour each time.
It's not about "spare the rod and spoil the child". The thing is he is not their father. He is never going to be their father, not with an attitude like that.
If anyone should be disciplining your kids, it should be you, not him. If you tried to tell him otherwise, he will tuned out which means he only wants his way and do not accept your views. So, I see no point in staying with anyone like that.

[Itsok2behapp-e]

Play 'Intentions' by Corrupt in the background as you'll have 4 minutes 24 seconds to:

1) Ask him "Tell me, what are your intentions?"

2) Go on Amazon and buy a shopping basket.

Next time he decides to 'check out' tell him "Go ahead" hand him the shopping basket and send him packing!

You don't need that sh*t in your life. They're your children that you brought into this world so you raise them the way you want to. End of.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation, but unless you guys share beliefs an agreement may never come to pass. You definitely sound like you need counselling, but that can cause more harm than good, because most counselors take sides, which can further divide you. I would suggest a Pastor as they often offer marriage counseling. You need to make an agreement on discipline and rules you will follow, otherwise you'll only interfere with each other. You sound like you've got a lot of positives in this relationship, no offense, but it is hard for a woman with kids to find another person. If you aren't dissatisfied with most of the relationship, seek resolution on the rearing.

[Paul09]

I mean kids need to be disciplined. And I see that many women baby their kids, and give in to their tantrums. I understand you love your kids but you can't give in and spoil them. But he is going overboard. But maybe that's how he is and always was. I'm not sure why he doesn't listen to you. What about couples/family therapy?

[Asker]

I've suggested that but he thinks therapy is a waste of time.

[Paul09]

Wow. Very one sided. Not cool on his part. And he thinks he acts normal towards these situations? Doesn't listen to you. I'm sorry that you have this tough choice to make. He seems that he is not mature.

[confused1996_]

Im sorry if this comes across rude but im a single mum of 2 and i would not let any man smack my kids i dont care who tf they are.
This guy sounds VERY toxic and controlling. At the end of the day he is not their biological father so he should be a role model and not have all the say in how they are raised. Yes he can have an opinion but you are their mum so at the end of the day it should be up to you only on how they are raised.
Honestly just get out of there for yours and your kids sake.

Just my opinion so take it as a grain of salt if you wish but im just being honest.

[MissDawn7961]

it is up to you to decide who you want to be involved in you and your childrens lives ! when you are dating if he lets you know that he will have full control over your children , then dump him for they are not his children to boss around but yours and yours alone

[Samoht_Sirrom1]

You Should kick him to the curb they're your kids you had them before he was around. He has no say in their upbringing and he should never lay hand on a kid as a form of discipline at worst he should put them in a corner trust me it works with an 18 months old it will work with a 4 year-old

[Agape93]

No, I honestly wouldn’t. I don’t have kids nor want them, but if my partner that consistently oversteps his boundaries, refuses to listen, refuses to adhere to rules set for the relationship and flat out consistently disrespects next, he would find himself single and homeless.

[Agape93]

Me, not next**

[Reputon13]

What the fuck. "He's great to the kids"? No he's fucking NOT, he sounds extremely abusive. I would absolutely recommend you leave him, but please keep in mind that the most dangerous time with an abuser is when you try to leave. Get proof of his abuse, tell your whole family about him, make sure there's PROOF so that if he retaliates, he'll go to prison.

[madgoat]

You are legally responsible for them so you need to be in charge.
Spanking is old hat and unproductive.
If you can't control him or agree with him, I think there's a problem that you need to address. Its good that he wants to play a part but you have a duty of care, he does not.

[Phoenix98]

Well I'm not gonna be with someone that has kids already to be honest with you. Precisely because of that. I have no interest in playing dad to another man's kids or intruding and possibly running the risk of cutting him out of his kids lives.

Kids should be raised by their real father period. Not a stranger and it's not that strangers place to raise the kids in place of the actual father.

[mikee2020]

no, id tell her that she ain't got anything to say thats above my word to my child, and if she dont like that , then she can kick rocks,,,,,,,,
now the flip side , if your a terriable parent, or jus dont know how because you yourself is still a child then yes that would be a good thing

[Prettysammie]

I don’t have kids but I’ve dated guys with kids. He’s either your partner in all things or he isn’t. He either steps into the dad role or he doesn’t. My mom had a string of boyfriends who mostly thought of me as baggage or when I got older, a younger version of her. What I needed was a father.

[NortyRich]

Definitely yes leave him. There ur kids u set the rules he enforces ur rules

[Asker]

Fair enough. I'm terrified of leaving. Being a mother of 3 (at age 27) makes me undesirable. I may be alone until my kids turn 18. Which, I will do. Whole-heartedly. But I dont want to. That's make me selfish, right?

[NortyRich]

U are frightened off being alone again... but don't. I have no problem with a lady being single mum. My ex had kids and would still be together if she didn't cheat... where u from

[MissDawn7961]

Asker - you are not being selfish in wanting a man in your life when you have children too but you deserve a man who will love you and your children like they were his too ! no man should boss you and your children around ! for children need both a mom and a dad in their life if at all possible

[SuccessfulHornDog]

He sounds like he is a decent guy but is having trouble with boundaries. I think it would be a good idea to try to work it out with him. Maybe talk to a counselor together

[bamesjond0069]

Well if its bad or abusive then thats a problem... but men are naturally supposed to be the disciplinarian. So the fact he's laying down the law where you let them get away with stuff isn't a bad thing at all.

[Ayo_pixieee]

I would leave. Nothing he is doing to the kids is fine. Yelling, spanking and over ruling you is out of the question!! Trust me, he might be causing more damage to your children than you think.

[vivmatt]

Is he only sensitive about this topic? Or is he impossible to have difficult conversations with in general?