Should I go on vacation with my boyfriend's parents?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. His parents still don't like me. Whether it's because of my race, I don't know. But they've never been warm to me or hospitable. At this point, it's honestly tiring more than anything. I'm not one to keep my mouth shut, but whenever it comes to his parents, I have never said a bad word to them.

They've invited me to go abroad on vacation with them a few months before corona happened. Obviously, we didn't go, but now they're opening it back up for Summer 2021. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings, but I absolutely do not want to go because I haven't been able to forgive how they've repeatedly mistreated me. I'm wondering how this will affect my boyfriend because he's someone I want to marry and I see a future with him. I just can't handle how my family treats him so generously versus how I'm the unwanted girlfriend who has to put up with his parents' immaturity. What do you think?

[Wenchantedy]

Honestly, girl, don't be too salty about it. Life is unfair, and me being someone who is also disliked by my boyfriend's parents, I can relate to you. I don't hold a grudge, because I know that I am the one who is able to tolerate and be patient with them. If I and my family can accept them and their family, whilst they don't do the same back, they will eventually realize they are antagonizing themselves. Give it some time, and don't let their opinions of you knock you down. If you are determined to marry your boyfriend, then neither friends, family, religion, race, culture, political standpoint, or distance (physically, mentally, spiritually) will be able to affect your relationship. Stay strong, you'll make through it along with your bae.

[laurieluvsit]

What you are saying is contradictory... why would they invite you on a private vacation with them, all expenses paid I am assuming, if they didn't like you?

It sounds as though maybe there was some tension real, or perceived, at the beginning, but now they want to get to know you better, welcome you into the family and let you know there are no hard feelings as far as they are concerned even though you seem to be holding a grudge.

If it is a grudge that you want to continue to hold then don't even dream about marriage because when you marry someone, you are marrying their family as well.

[Asker]

I knew there'd be a comment like this lol. I appreciate the advice, but no, they've offered this vacation within the first month of me dating my boyfriend. People say things flippantly like this.

It's been a year now and a lot has happened since then. He's stayed with my family, I've stayed with his, and the way they actually treat me is horrible. I didn't want to write out a biography because I didn't feel it was necessary, but it was my mistake in not clarifying I suppose.

His parents have repeatedly told their son to marry someone of his race, of his kind. They've discouraged the relationship. They have never spent any money on me, even when I was visiting. I made a spring break vacation and set it up with my boyfriend, his parents got on the phone with him just to scream about how they didn't want him to go even though I was paying my half. When I was booking a flight home, I asked my boyfriend if it was okay for him to drive me to the airport. It was an hour away. He made me buy that ticket and then his parents didn't allow him to drive. Okay, that's fine, but then they wanted ME to pay for an uber even though I was going by what my boyfriend said.

[Asker]

His parents are strict, Muslim, and brown. They are first gen immigrants who have repeatedly said that they don't believe in love. Please don't act like this is some stereotypical "welcome you to the family" business that white people do. They have made it clear to me that they do not take me seriously and that they think this is just a normal college fling. It's not. It means the world to me, but his parents have embarrassed me with their behavior and racism, and I've just held my tongue. I don't know how you can even sit there without a story and come up with an assumption without getting the facts.

My boyfriend and I were supposed to live together this year, but because they wanted to save money, they didn't even allow us that even though I have never EVER asked for him to pay anything of mine. I even offered to pay for his half for a while and you know what I got? A snide laugh with "we don't accept handouts". I just want to be with him, and I don't know why they feel the need to be so involved. My boyfriend was the one to tell me that we wouldn't be near them, not me. I always wanted to make good with his family, but I'm fed up with the bullshit.

[Wenchantedy]

Janet, after knowing your story, I think I know the problem. His parents are constantly trying to take part in this relationship when it really should only be about you two. Spend a few years working hard and get some nice $$$ and when you are both ready, move in together. If your boyfriend prioritizes you, he should be okay with telling his parents "No, I'm done with your bs, I am my own person I have my own life and now I am fully sufficient to live it with the woman I love. If you really love your son, the least you'd do for me is to give me the freedom I deserved from the very beginning." I don't know how important you are to your boyfriend, but if he is able to say something along the lines of that in order to be with you, then congrats, he truly loves you.

[chriscdi]

you never know, they might be taking you to leave you there or worse

[Asker]

This is the only sensible comment I've seen so far.

[chriscdi]

yes because i think realistic, if they hate you, why would they invite you? your boyfriend probably has no clue lol

[Asker]

You know when people say things that they don't actually mean? Yeah, they said that within the first month of us dating, but then their actions towards me really showed me how they truly felt. It's all so forced and fake. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

[chriscdi]

people can be sick, you should never underestimate the level of sanity in people, people all have different wirings to their brains, all you need is a loose wire and its all they need

[MillieBrunette]

Yes you should always make the effort, hey you never know it may be fun!

[Juxtapose]

No. First gen Muslim immigrants can be.. brutal.

[Asker]

They're brutal, but I'm not letting that hold me back. I won't go on vacation with them, but I'm not gonna stop dating their son just because they don't like it.

[Juxtapose]

Good, I respect that. Don't ever let people hold you or your lover back.

[On_cloud_wine]

I wouldn’t go.

[Asker]

You're fucking smart. Thank you.

[GreenGold1992]

Bad idea

[Anonymous]

my guess is, he had to ask you out first.