Why people judge older women married to younger men so harshly (especially when compared to older men with younger women)?

Question

I'm married to a man 16 years younger than me. I've been with him for a total of 2.5 years. Even now we still get a fair amount of judgement from many others about our age gap. This is especially true since I (the woman) am the older one in the marriage. When the roles are reversed and an older man dates a younger woman, the men are often congratulated and revered. However, when people find out I have a younger husband I often get shocked or cringe looks. People are often imply that our marriage can't last and/or we can't live a normal life/have a normal marriage due to our age gap. I also hate it when people call me a cougar. It implies women married to younger men are desperate "predators" on the hunt for younger men (when in fact he was the one who pursued me in our relationship. He actually had to work to convince me to give him a chance because I was originally concerned with the age gap). Conversely, there's no word for a man married to a younger woman. People also often assume he's likely just married to me for my money (when in fact he's been making more money than me for the past year). People will also assume I'm only with him because I'm having a midlife crisis (I'm not). What's more is that it's not uncommon for people to act as if we're doing something morally wrong for being in a relationship together due to the age gap.
Why is it so hard for people to believe we genuinely have a loving, healthy, normal marriage (that is actually a lot better than my previous marriage to a man my age)? Why is there so much extra judgement when an older woman dates a younger man than when the roles are reversed?

Updates:

1 y

One exception is that I can understand why his parents were initially upset by our relationship. They were worried I was either too old to have kids or had no interest in having any more kids. However, once I got pregnant they became completely fine with our marriage.

Answer 1

AshleyTaylorDanny

Xper 7

Don't worry about those people. If your out somewhere and feel like people are judging you I would just grab my man, kiss him, hold hands and be in love like nobody is watching.
We get the same judging eyes glare at us sometimes and this is how we sorta handle it.

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Answer 2

talloak | 379 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

Definitely a double-standard, especially since women outlive men. The discrimination you face is entirely unjustified. But don't forget that people are also judged when the roles are reversed. The older men are assumed to have a midlife crisis and perhaps to have dumped a first wife for a younger model. The women are assumed to have married only for money. These are equally stupid stereotypes.

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Answer 3

SjE78 | 566 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

in my experience the case had always been a younger guy dating/marrying older women is seen by society as a "go him, he pulled a milf" type of view...
whereas an older guy dating/marrying a younger woman is frowned upon and often results in far more judgmental people voicing their disgust and disagreements...

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Answer 4

yucychan | 460 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Yoda

People are always going to judge you because these are what people do.
We generalize and act as sceptics.
However, if your marriage works, then your marriage works. Our cynical words and judgements should not even matter.

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1 Person

Answer 5

Anon833

Xper 5

My wife and I get the same reactions from other people. Really, it has more to do with love and happiness than with age. Why should it be any different from older men marrying younger women? I married my wife when I was 19 and she was 57. We’ve been together for eleven years now, and we have a daughter who is 10 years old. We thought it would be impossible for us to have a baby because of her age, but it happened. She is now even happier than how I first met her, and we are so in love. Anyone who thinks that this is “disgusting” or should be frowned upon constantly needs to give couples like us a break. We’re both above the age of consent, and there is nothing illegal about this.

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Answer 6

LiamSawyer | 256 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

Hey good for you! I'd love to be with an older woman. I find some women older then myself are more grounded, still sexy and have experienced the important things in life.

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Answer 7

HappyLeng

Xper 5

So what if they call you a cougar? I don't mind being a cougar given the chance, it's all about perspective

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Answer 8

Reaperbot666

Guru

if their both legal and willing consent to the relationship. I see no reason why they can't be together if their in love.

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Asker

1 y
I obviously 100% agree. However, I don't know why so many other people apparently don't feel the same way
Reaperbot666

1 y
for some people once you get to where the spouse could be roughly the age of their own children. it could be viewed as weird or unsettling.
Reaperbot666

1 y
however in modern times the older generation are more likely to be mature and want a more traditional relationship. instead of just wanting hookups and fooling around with random people. which over time ruins peoples sexual and relationship standards.
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Asker

1 y
Except my husband and I aren't just hooking up. We are married and I'm actually pregnant with his child. We are in a very committed marriage. In fact, I'd say our marriage is very traditional in about every sense except for the age gap
Reaperbot666

1 y
which is a huge plus in your favor.
Reaperbot666

1 y
I've often considered dating a women 5-20 years older then myself. just because they tend to treat men with more respect then the younger generation does.

Answer 9

Asker

I obviously 100% agree. However, I don't know why so many other people apparently don't feel the same way

Answer 10

Reaperbot666

for some people once you get to where the spouse could be roughly the age of their own children. it could be viewed as weird or unsettling.

Answer 11

Reaperbot666

however in modern times the older generation are more likely to be mature and want a more traditional relationship. instead of just wanting hookups and fooling around with random people. which over time ruins peoples sexual and relationship standards.

Answer 12

Asker

Except my husband and I aren't just hooking up. We are married and I'm actually pregnant with his child. We are in a very committed marriage. In fact, I'd say our marriage is very traditional in about every sense except for the age gap

Answer 13

Reaperbot666

which is a huge plus in your favor.

Answer 14

Reaperbot666

I've often considered dating a women 5-20 years older then myself. just because they tend to treat men with more respect then the younger generation does.

Answer 15

Poppykate | 2.1K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

People are always going to be judge you sadly. (As they judge everyone else).
Just try to live your best life, and forget what others say. Because at the end of the day... their opinion equal shit!

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1 Person

Answer 16

JaneDoe377

Explorer

I don't understand it either but I'm in the same situation. He's 13 years younger and he pursued me as well. It just doesn't fit what people see as normal in society i guess. Luckily i don't care.

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
I've learned to not let it bother me most of the time. I think I've gotten pretty good at not letting it bother me. However, there are still occasional moments when their judgement really gets under my skin!
JaneDoe377

1 y
That's understandable, you're only human and people are irritating! Good for you though, not letting it get to you as much as you can. I think it's great. 👍

Answer 17

Asker

I've learned to not let it bother me most of the time. I think I've gotten pretty good at not letting it bother me. However, there are still occasional moments when their judgement really gets under my skin!

Answer 18

JaneDoe377

That's understandable, you're only human and people are irritating! Good for you though, not letting it get to you as much as you can. I think it's great. 👍

Answer 19

Dchrls78104 | 2.4K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

For the same reason many frown on men who get with much younger women.

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Answer 20

Avicenna | 5.6K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

No, older guys are often criticized as well. I suspect the reason is that it’s assumed you’re keeping him from becoming a father.

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
I'm actually pregnant right now so that's not the issue.
Avicenna

1 y
But the criticism predated that, right?

Answer 21

Asker

I'm actually pregnant right now so that's not the issue.

Answer 22

Avicenna

But the criticism predated that, right?

Answer 23

Bandit74 | 1.5K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

That is definitely not true. Guys who date women significantly younger are absolutely judged harshly especially by women.

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2 People

Answer 24

LastQueenOfScotland

Xper 5

Because it's not your vanilla relationship therefore people must criticize, just ignore tbh

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
I've learned to ignore it. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. However, there are still occasional moments when their judgement really gets under my skin!
LastQueenOfScotland

1 y
Not much you can really do

Answer 25

Asker

I've learned to ignore it. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. However, there are still occasional moments when their judgement really gets under my skin!

Answer 26

LastQueenOfScotland

Not much you can really do

Answer 27

TheAfrikan | 420 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Yoda

Do your thing and do not care about what the haters and talkers are going to say. Focus on you and your husband and make your relationship even more stronger by doing what makes you 2 happy.
And let them fuck and choke on there own opinions.

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1 Person

Answer 28

Angelo75 | 127 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 7

Just one word "JEALOUSY"

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Answer 29

knight2468 | 70 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 6

The worst judgement comes from women I think

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Answer 30

Lonelywolfxl

Xper 5

Not problem for me

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Why people judge older women married to younger men so harshly (especially when compared to older men with younger women)?

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