Do you want to be in a serious relationship? What is holding you back?

[coachTanthony]

Obviously besides the current Pandemic going on.

[Cynicaldreamer]

Do I want to be in a serious relationship? Well of course! It's just a matter of finding a man that wants me.

It's not as easy as it sounds: you have to factor in my age, location, most guys my age are already taken, married, or flat out not interested in me outside of friendship. So that's complicates things a little.

In addition, I've tried dating apps in the past and had no luck except guys wanting a friendship- not friends with benefits, just platonic friends. Which in retrospect, I don't regret because I've made some great guy friends over the years.
Yet I see women and girls on here complaining because they get so many replies they cannot go through them all! Apparently I did something -very- wrong, or I'm just not that attractive, haha! Who knows?

I had to stop asking myself why I couldn't find a relationship years ago because it really was making me depressed and affecting my self esteem. There were times I was angry, sad, and just confused as to why others put minimal to no effort in and could easily find a date. Me? Nothing.

Pair all that with being ghosted, rejected, and friendzoned by guys you had crushes or feelings for- not just a few guys, but EVERY guy. Over time, it really does make you wary to even want to date again, much less think you deserve anyone.

So to answer your question, what's holding me back from finding a relationship? Myself. Because I know dating is hard. Even if you put yourself out there, there's no guarantee you'll find someone. So staying single is my defense mechanism to keep from being hurt or dealing with heartache again.

[Avicenna]

That's too bad

[lightbulb27]

I've shot down my share of women and it's sad in hindsight, I handled it poorly. Generally, it is little to do with them and more to do with my own fears and issues. Maybe you aren't projecting the feminine enough or projecting your best self, there's always room for improvement in dating and learning as it is a skill, as is relationship a separate set of skills. the aggressive women would win, the passive ones would not. Everyone is different, but you have to be available in a given time and space else ships pass by in the night. It's all a process of self discovery and development. There's as many lonely males as there are females... at least many.

[Avicenna]

@lightbulb27: I don't think that's it- from what she's posted I think she won't even give a guy a chance so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[coachTanthony]

I can't contain my excitement for what's to come. There isn't enough popcorn on the planet to sustain it. LOL

[Dreamy2020]

"Pair all that with being ghosted, rejected, and friendzoned by guys you had crushes or feelings for- not just a few guys, but EVERY guy." I felt this.

[Cynicaldreamer]

@Dreamy2020 Right! It would be one thing if it was a few bad experiences, but every guy I've liked or had a crush on and it ended poorly? No...

There's having bad luck, and then there's just knowing when to take a break, lol. Since I stopped dating, I'm A LOT happier too!

[nevermind__]

I feel you, girl!

[Dreamy2020]

I really have bad luck when it comes to men. I can't change my circumstances. It is what it is. I agree with you. I am actually happiest when I don't like anyone. Hope to be it soon!

[coachTanthony]

@Cynicaldreamer You made me throw all that popcorn away. lol

[Cynicaldreamer]

@coachTanthony As your unofficial fitness coach, you're welcome! Lol

[Youryeodongsaeng]

Yes, I do want to be in a serious relationship. First, I want to experience what it is like to be in an actual relationship, because when I was 12, I've had 3 boyfriends and 1 girlfriend.
One boy, he was 17 at the time, just wanted sex. Second boy was 15, he was shorter than me, he left me for a girl I knew since elementary. (I had never liked her to begin with. You can ask why.)
Third boy, he was my age, (Though, my birthday is before his.) He was short than me by 2 or 3 inches and I was nothing but a side-chick.
The girlfriend I had, she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. She was 12 and i was 13. I found it ominous that when I left her house to go back home, that she didn't text me on Messenger. She called me a few weeks later, telling me something that I couldn't interpret. I told her that I wanted to break up, knowing we'd never see each other again. It was summer and it would have been our 3rd year anniversary. Fear days after the call (I think), her mother reported me as a pedopile and gave the picture of my nude breasts.
After me and my now ex-girlfriend left school for the summer, she gave me an answer about whether or not she'd be my girlfriend. She said she wanted to and after a few texts in, she asked for nudes. I did decline, but she pulled the break-up card and I so badly didn't want to lose her. She promised that she would delete them.



What's holding me back... I fell in love with a 20yo male. We had a ldr but all that ended in September (?). He said he didn't want to seem like a pedopile nor did he want to go to jail for dating me. I understand, it just hurts.
I have made plans: getting a scholarship, go to a 2-year college, transfer to a 4-year college in my state's capital, finish those 4-years, while I have my desired money, I'll get a plane ticket to where he lives and start a new life there.
The thing is... I have to apply for a scholarship and I need that scholarship. That scholarship is the only way out of my mental illness.

[mozay]

To be Honest, i enjoyed reading this LOL.

[Youryeodongsaeng]

I don't know if that's good or bad thing, but ok.

[mozay]

i like that you do not have hard feelings.

[ChrisG30]

Yes I want a serious relationship

What is holding me back:

A) when I go on online dating, I swipe right with no results of any matching. I dont even get a chance to prove myself.
B) when I walk up to a women in a social setting (like either a nice bar or on the street) and try to have a conversation, their attitude is like "what do you want?" And "get lost"
C) If I'm too interested, they accuse me of either being desperate, a fuckboy, or cheap.
D) when a women discovers that I'm successful, potentially starting my own business yet still single at age 35, they start accusing me of being a fuckboy.
E) when a women discovers that I went to work in Asia, I'm also considered a fuckboy even though the reason I went to work in Asia was to find a girlfriend because girls in my own western country ignore me.
F) another type of women (usually the quiet intellectual ones) think all guys are fuckboys.
G) while all outgoing party type girls only notice when you start playing hard to get with them which I dont enjoy playing hard to get because it's not being myself.

[coachTanthony]

So you know whats up... can you not adjust.. bob and weave... do things differently! Self awareness is key and you got it so whats up?

[ChrisG30]

We do do things differently, nothing works. Doing things differently would imply packing my bags, running my own business, jumping on a plane to Asia and becoming a digital nomad and eventually marrying a women outside my country.

[coachTanthony]

Oh that is still in my future.. not quite there yet but close. So what is stopping you?

[ChrisG30]

There is a moral aspect to it as well. I agree with pick up artists in what they teach does build attraction but I dont agree with the world that a women should like me for the reasons of what the pick up artist teaches. For example, the pick up artist teaches me that I need to be challenging to the women. I dont enjoy having someone like me because I acted like I was "exclusive". I'd like a women to like me because she likes things about me and can see without me putting on an act that I have value.

[ChrisG30]

I want a women to see me for who I am, not how well I "act"

[coachTanthony]

I am trained in all aspects of the PUA but use none of it nor teach my clients any of it. I think its' outdated. So what is there to like about you?

[ChrisG30]

So I'm a software engineer. I have the tools to build a business, but the idea needs to be solid. I'm also a forex trader and I'm slightly so far profitable over a long period of time - not enough yet for a passive income though.

[ChrisG30]

What's there to like about me? I'm smart. I research statistical edges on the forex market. I work out probabilities the market will move in a bias in a specific direction based on previous events. I scan through thousands of previous instances and work out how often the market moves any way. With that knowledge, I can make a profit over time if my wins are greater than my losses. From a biology perspective, I think those Gene's are good to pass on. I make a point that evolution doesn't actually promote good Gene's to carry on because if you are smart but dont know how to make a women feel good about herself, she will never date you and those smart Gene's will never be passed on. Women only care about how you Make them feel, not how good you really are.

[coachTanthony]

You know an awful lot to not be so good with women. I mean I don't know dude. Maybe Thailand would be a great place for you.

[Anon621]

It depends. Right now I can't give quality time to someone because I'm in school and I work part time on top of that. I would have to meet someone who understand that. But even if they were interested I would ask them weed out questions. Such as is physical touch important to you, is sex important to you in a relationship, etc. For me finding people is a huge commitment with my commitments to school and work and covid certainly makes things harder. Joining clubs is tough for me ad well since I'm always in class or doing an assignment or studying for an exam. I'm almost always busy and then when I'm not I just need a break to have some me time or to go disable some pesky cops in Need for Speed Carbon. Definitely the second option lol. Pretty much there are a lot of factors holding me up but I'm not worried about it. If I find someone then I hope we can both learn about ourselves romantically in a positive way. If not then ah well life is life

[jennifer_bloom]

I don't want a typical guy - I want somebody who has a similar value system as me and I am very conservative so that eliminates many guys - I also want somebody who I can trust to be faithful to me when there are girls younger and prettier than me so I am not going to date the hottest guy I can find but neither do I want somebody I'm not really attracted to - I also don't know a lot of people cause I was late finishing university and almost everybody on my friends list is 10 years younger than me or 15 years younger than me

[OlderAndWiser]

The only thing in my way is finding the right woman. And I am looking, dating, and meeting new women despite living in corona times.

[Blerdsmith19]

I do want to be in a serious relationship, but there are two main factors holding me back. One factor is my current dislike for myself. I want to at least work on myself in regards to working out and learning new skills. Basically, make the changes needed in my life to love myself before I could even think about loving another person. The second factor has to do with the woman herself. I'm an open-minded guy, and I don't have any crucial standards, but it doesn't mean other woman can't have strict standards with narrow-mindsets when picking guys. Only when I begin to believe that the right woman has come along, with the combination of loving myself, can I truly be in a serious relationship.

[ShadezMcgee]

In one now. What was holding me back at first was that I was doing self improvement after being mentally and emotionally broken around this time last year. Took forever to pull myself out of that fuck and just struggled with personal relationships in general.

This was all mixed with doubt, no confidence, being alone, feeling hopeless, feeling unwanted by family and friends and the world in general. Easily the lowest and darkest point of my life where I at the time had a suicide note ready to go. Plan was to take a six pack of beer, take my gun with one round and find the most abandoned farm field I could find. Drink the sixer and shoot.

Didn't end up doing it obviously, but yeah, I was pretty fucked up to say the least. Still recovering and doing loads better now.

[Avicenna]

Good that you were able to escape that.

[lilyanony1]

I'd love to be in a serious relationship but I don't think I have what it takes to be with others.
People are really exploitive and you have to know who you're dealing with.
Most times people don't know how to control that side of themselves and I don't trust that the person I meet will be any different...

[Vviiccttoorr]

I’m sure you do have what it takes it’s just this lockdown and that’s because it has to be the right environment when talking naturally with someone. I hope it goes well with you cause it’s kinda hard for me right now too

[Vviiccttoorr]

Also it’s good to take your mind off of relationships like working out and the guys will possibly come to you. I would also recommend making an opening for a guy to talk to yoi because guys are afraid of rejection but if you leave an opening for a guy to talk to you (you’re showing an interest) then it will take a lot of pressure off of him. If he doesn’t catch the hint then maybe try a little more and after a little while just know he might not be interested but keep trying. God knows that when a girl gives hints that she wants me to talk to her; it takes a lot off of my shoulders to start a convo, also if he starts talking but doesn’t ask for your number or something after a while (then he still could be nervous to ask for it) so give him some sort of opening to ask for it. If he doesn’t take it then no biggie because maybe you’ll see him again and he will next time or ypu gained a new friend or you just had a good convo.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for the advice. But being one month away from 30 I know a bit about dating.
I've tried to make myself available and I've done the approaching. Dated the "nice" guy. Dated the "bad" boy. I even dated an older guy who told me he was only living with his ex because they had a mortgage to pay. (although that wasn't exactly a lie it wasn't the whole truth either, he hadn't actually called time on things although they hadn't slept together in 5 years and slept in separate rooms, weird) anyways what I'm saying is that right now I'm at a point where I don't think I have what it takes to date or be with someone. Everyone I've dated I've had problems with and I think that's due to my up bringing. My mum would highlight all my fathers faults and discredit him a lot. So now when Im with men I can't help but see their faults now although I don't highlight them myself I find it difficult to unsee things. And that clouds my judgements on their intentions.

[lilyanony1]

I'm not a snob or anything like that. But my ex would say I'm very sensitive, and play the victim. But he was a bully. He would often ask me to engage in sexual activities I didn't want and would keep asking and put the pressure on in the hope I'd give in. If I declined he'd withhold sex and create distance. At one point things was so bad I agreed to it because he wanted me to find someone to join us so I kept fobbing him off. Which he wisened up to. And he got really hostile calling me up one night at 3am telling me he had someone with him and wanted to bring him round. He was taunting me really. And I think that was his plan to put me off him for good. As we were on/off again. With me seeking him out. Anyways my track record isn't good and I get that. So right now I'm avoiding "people" as friends or from a dating point of view. Because it never seems to end well. Why keep enduring such situations unnecessarily

[Vviiccttoorr]

Never be with a guy like that, you deserve better. You’re definitely not a snob because of that; that guy is disgusting and is a prime example to stay away from people like that. I see what you’re coming from, taking a break is never a bad idea. It’s good to clear your mind, look for options and stuff. I’d say do what you feel is right and if you feel like getting back into dating then I hope it goes well. Also have you asked for advise and stuff on your dating life

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for your message. I generally don't ask much questions here about my dating life anymore. Most people are rude saying really uncalled for things. A few people have gone as far as blocking me so I just don't bother.
I think I know what my issue is, hanging on to things beyond it expiration. He and I have been different for years. And we were trying to make two separate lives coincide never makes for anything good as they never crossed...
I'm learning what makes me happy again. And trying to figure out my life's path really.

[Vviiccttoorr]

I’ve dealt with people like that and I’ve had to deal with people blocking me because, they couldn’t prove a point on a topic we are discussing; it’s good to just keep your distance and not let them get to you because, then you’re letting them win. That’s good though, do what makes you happy👍🏼 I hope everything does go well for you. Also if you ever need to talk to someone I’m always here along with other great people on here 😃

[lilyanony1]

Thank you for listening and showing compassion. I really appreciate it. I think I'm winding down from talking about this chapter of my life. It's the end of an era. Or so they say. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and even better New year x

[Vviiccttoorr]

Thanks for chatting. Winding down is never a bad thing, end of an era is just a new chapter to look forward to. Merry Christmas and happy New Years to you too!

[RichO22]

I do want to be in a serious relationship, but personally had no luck. Throughout my life I dated women who were selfish and cared about themselves, needy, or just wasn’t in same mindset as me. I’m no Mr. Suave guy only been in like 4 relationships in my life but I’m also very cautious guy. And also bad at signal and mentally a nervous wreck when it comes down to approaching women. But from what I learn as a kid and throughout my adult life I just don’t wanna settle with any woman and fall in a hole I can’t get myself out of. For time being I’m working on myself and focusing on bettering my mental mind cause I’m a nervous wreck. But hoping to meet a genuine woman that’ll like me for me and not what I have.

[Shark_61695]

Yes...

I am not confident enough to ask someone out.
I don't see many people in general and live in the middle of nowhere with my parents.
I can't really afford to date.
I suck at small talk and messaging.
I get very few if any matches on the various dating apps I'm on.
I'm sure there are many more...

[Anonymous]

Yes I do. The biggest thing is my family. We have so many fuck ups rn that I'm too scared to start any commitment to anyone. They also aren't supportive with any guy I like because my mom wants me to marry this rich spoiled kid who is nice but i dont like spoiled rich kids who is still dependent to his mother at the age of 28. I also am a bit inexperienced with dating so I'm a bit scared and probably too cautious to go out there. I also want a guy who would support me with my dreams and career but my career means travelling a lot and living offshore with mostly guys so it would be difficult to find a guy who would understand and be comfortable with that and also I dont want to be selfish if he can't do that. 😢😢

[glock33sig357]

I want to be in a serious relationship but I'm too used to doing things on my own around the house and still go out to work, a woman would feel utterly awkward and useless around me because she wouldn't have anything left to do but give me sex. And she might just complain about this being her only purpose, I'm an individual who doesn't depend on any woman to cook, clean, do the laundry or shop for me; this is how I saw my father do it & my mother taught me how to cook, clean and dress a house better than a woman and I even surpassed my mother on how to do it.

[EmotionOfFear]

Yes. A lot. Especially at this age where I have my youth to travel the world and meet people, and form close relationships. What's holding me back? I'm hesitant and paranoid about everything, down to trivial matters in the people I'm interested in, all because of the red flags I didn't see prior with my ex and everything she did to me. Because of dating her in the first place, I feel like anybody I go for who is less than "perfect" is going to be a mistake. There feels like there's an insurmountable amount of risk with whoever I choose to try to be with.

[FatherJack]

I have endured the hell of marriage , and don't even want to date , let alone chain myself down into a relationship again. No bitterness towards women , the main reasons are my BS tolerance is too low to " date " ( plus it's a VERY male heavy dating scene , single dads cannot compete in such a market ) little need for people , no more raging hormones , thankfully... & above all , peace is far more important to me. In summary , not interested.

[clampfan101]

1. I’m really shy and not good at starting conversations. I’m not even good at small talk.

2. I don’t know how to drive yet, so my dad would need to take me somewhere to try to look for someone when it’s over. Maybe a local gamer group? I’m done trying online dating.

[Arivor]

Since I've been married for over 28 years... Yes, I want to be in a serious relationship, and thus I am in one that's going strong with no end in sight. There is nothing holding me back to ensure it stays that way.

[Espresso-Grande]

I'm married, but in the past, the fear of losing my emotional security held me back for quite a while.

I think it was for two reasons, I feared losing my emotional security if I ended up being with the wrong guy. And secondly, if the relationship failed with a guy I loved.

[maryyy_V]

Other than not being old enough to seriously think about being in a serious relationship, I would say that I just think it’s a lot of work. You are going to have to care for a whole other person both physically and emotionally. The thought that one of you may fall out of love also scares the crap out of me. I also really like my personal space so I would need someone who respects and understands that.

[19magic]

I think the fact that I self sabotaged myself, I never thought I was good enough and now I'm focusing on myself and being my best self, or rather becoming my best self so that when it happens or when I decide to join some apps I can put my best foot forward

[serious]

No, I have always been single and I wish to remain single for life. I wish to lead a loveless life.

That is my choice, my free will and yes I have plenty of reasons for this. Nothing is holding me back but by choice I wish to remain single for life.

[OmNomaly]

Yes I do. It'll never happen though.

96% of the women that I meet that are interested in me. Usually turn out to be self absorbed, narcissistic, lack patience and common sense. (Not all just the ones I run into)
Emotional terrorists might be a good word.

[HartleyB]

Not really.. I have great friends and a best friend who lives with me now so I don't really need anything else and I think that is fine :)

[beebella]

I don't want to. I have to focus on getting my own life together first.

[coachTanthony]

Well that certainly is more important for sure.