How to talk to boyfriend about his female friends and set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (25M) and I (22F) are in a serious relationship for the last 9-10 months. He is an extrovert and has many friends. He's quite active on social media and he has a lot of female friends too (or at least that's what he tells me). But he has never really told me in detail about the girls he talks to/ is close with. Like how did they become friends, what they do etc etc. I've noticed that he also likes telling me (bragging) about how much attention he gets from girls on social media or otherwise. He sends me screenshot if a girl sends him a DM and he'll be like, wow look at this. He probably does that to make me jealous (He had mentioned once that he likes it when a girl is little possessive about her boyfriend). But I find this a little immature and it's frustrating when he goes on and on just to get a reaction from me. I usually just ignore him when he does that. Now that we've been in a relationship for quite some time, I would appreciate if he can tell me properly about his "female friends". And not just randomly take someone's name and then shrug it off and say it's nothing. I also can't help wondering if he has told other girls that he's not single. Lying about your relationship status counts as cheating to me and that would be a dealbreaker. So how should I nicely bring up this topic with him and set some boundaries? I trust him and love him. So I don't want him to think that I'm being controlling or something. I'm just curious about the girls he talks to and how personal and frequent are their chats really? And is he really friends with so many girls or he's trying to make me jealous?

[BigPunny]

Hey Anon!

There's definitely a lot to unpack in your question and I'll do my best to help with that.

So, let me preface this all with MY experience - as a man - with my wife (23 years). I too appreciate my wife showing some control and possession of me. Not TOO much, but I do like to know that she loves me enough that some things concern her.

Now, I would never use this to manipulate a reaction out of my wife, though admittedly, I used to try and test my boundaries with her as to what was acceptable, not acceptable, etc.

I only bring this up because it IS 'a thing' and he even told you that he appreciates you being a little possessive, so it sounds to me like that's what he wants.

Given the circumstance, he's probably asking you, subtly, to set boundaries because he may not KNOW what those boundaries are. He may not even realize that's what he's wanting, but that's what it sounds like to me.

So yes, absolutely you have a right to set clear boundaries and to let him know if something bothers you. It is one thing to be 'controlling' and another to have reasonable expectations about what is or isn't considered 'over the line'.

It does, however, appear that you may be thinking too hard about what his friendships deal with and talk about. I took that from where you said this: " I also can't help wondering if he has told other girls that he's not single."

That statement is VERY specific and either it's due to you thinking too hard about it, and getting yourself worked up, OR, he has done or said something that made you think that and you just didn't share that part.

If something didn't happen to make you think that, then it is an assumption on your part and you should try not to dwell, because it'll drive you crazy. I've done this in the past and it will drive. you. crazy!

Furthermore, you should definitely tell him that it bothers you that he flaunts his 'female friends' in your face. This is kind of disrespectful and he needs to 'read the room' better. Surely he can see that it bugs you -- if he can even partially read non-verbal communication, that is. If he sees it bothers you and he keeps doing it, then he's definitely being immature and is wrong, BUT, it's equally possible he just doesn't notice that it bothers you. 9-10 months isn't too too long, so it's possible he doesn't understand all of your facial expressions yet.

And now I get to the 'how'. The best way to approach this conversation is to NOT do it when you are upset about it. If he does it and you get irritated by it, this may not be the best time to bring it up because your approach may be counter-productive because it will result in what may come across as you just being "emotional". Early on in my relationship, I would sometimes dismiss things my wife would say if she was REALLY upset, because I would feel defensive and it felt like she was just 'mad' and saying things she didn't mean, etc.

But I got to the point where I really understood that those are the most important words to hear -- when the wife is mad. But it's early for you two and he probably isn't to that point yet.

So it's best to do it when neither of you are fighting. Avoid words like "you" because it will come off accusatory. Come at him from a "this is how it makes me feel when these things happen" stance. Try to remain calm, but be straightforward about whatever you say.

Guys often do not 'catch' hints, so trying to get HIM to understand things without coming right out and saying it will not help because you'll think he should understand, but he probably won't.

Just let him know that it's an important topic, that it bothers you and that you'd like to talk about it - how he feels, how you feel, what his expectations are, what he gets out of doing that, etc. etc.

Hope this helps. You can ask me anything!

[Asker]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for your reply. Your advice has been very very helpful. Like you told, I brought this topic up with my boyfriend in a cool, non-accusatory manner. And he heard me out and understood my point. I asked him, how he would've felt about it if he was in my place. And he agreed he would have felt uneasy too. We really needed to have this honest talk and it has cleared the confusion.
And like you mentioned, yes, he does that to make me a little jealous and to get some attention from me. So even though these girls aren't his good friends as such, he told me about them in a different manner which always bothered me.
And when he crosses the line and flaunts it in my face like that, it just makes me insecure instead of jealous.
We also spoke about boundaries and he really seems to understand that too.
And YES! It's my overthinking which made me wonder if he hides his relationship status. Thank you for telling me that. I am trying not to dwell on that. There really isn't anything that he has actually done for me to think that way.
I was just trying too hard to be that cool girlfriend who doesn't ask too many questions to her boyfriend. And in that process I ended up bottling up things which bother me.
Henceforth, I will try my best to speak up and express.
Thank you once again.

[BigPunny]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to update me on what happened and to let me know that I've been helpful to you in some way.

You've made my day! <3

I'm really, really glad that it helped and you were able to hash that out with him.

Best wishes to both of you! :)

[Finchie40]

I love questions like this because it’s sad , it’s sad because you are tolerating this behavior and sorry the only real answer is the truth , I don’t feel like writing a book , so hear me out , You said you love and care about him? Well it’s time for you to move on and can his ass cuz he doesn’t love and care about you , He just likes the convenience of you , if he truly loved and cared about you he wouldn’t need attention from other girls and he wouldn’t be shoving it in your face , if it was a once in a blue moon thing then that’s a different story but if it’s a constant thing then that’s a huge red flag , From your question it sounds like this is a consistent thing and his true colors are shining , stop making excuses for his actions cuz his actions are speaking louder than words , if you confront him about this he is going to turn it around that you are insecure , and hear me out it’s nothing to do with insecurity it’s more to do with respect , he doesn’t respect you , so don’t even listen to his bullshit excuse, Look at it this way , How would he feel if you had tons of other guys that you consistently talked to on your phone and you showed him the comments guys were giving you? I don’t think he would be to fond of it , so the bottom line is you need to dump his ass cuz he just proved he doesn’t love and value and respect you , you need to value your own self worth and realize you deserve to be treated better than that , never be a convenience to someone , cuz he sure as hell loves the convenience of you. I don’t even know the guy but I can tell you this much , he is a douchebag and he doesn’t deserve you cuz He is a selfish piece of shit

[OlderAndWiser]

"I also can't help wondering if he has told other girls that he's not single." And the, three sentences later, "I trust him and love him."

First, you need to be honest with yourself about what you are dealing with and how you feel about it.

[kkirk4442]

You do need to talk to him about boundaries. The only way to do it, is to tell him how his actions make you feel, and that you would like him to consider your feelings, and to do XYZ. Understand, that he is outgoing, and he may resent any curtailing of his relationships with women, and that it might end our relationship with him. However, you need boundaries to feel loved and secure in the relationship, which is natural and understandable. It may be that he is cheating, or it may be that you have such disparity in your personalities, that this is unresolvable.

[boggboss]

Just bring up the subject but understand that having the need for these answers shows to some degree u don't trust him which is equally fine as his behaviour has pushed in this direction

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. I spoke to him and he has understood my point.

[Browneye57]

1. social media is all fake.
2. If he has girls around then THEY are the backup plan. What's yours?
3. He constantly lies. What are you going to do about it?
4. You ARE controlling. So what.
5. You ARE jealous. This is on YOU.

But here you are, whining about him on a public internet forum. Wow. Why don't you cut him loose and find a guy you can really be into? Cuz clearly this is going nowhere fast.

[TheBigGuy9]

He’s a player. No guy or girl is just friends with people, especially at your age. I’ve seen it happen firsthand. Seen a divorce happen to someone that I called from the start. I’d dump him. Who sends you screenshots of women wanting him? Only a narcissist does that.

[In_Trance]

This is a you problem not him. They were there before you came along. You either accept it or you don't. People have this ridiculous narrative where they think they can get into a relationship with someone and change them to what they want. They can't.

[Iron_Man]

Don’t hold back just come right out with it lay it all out on the line

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a prick and frankly constantly reminding you of how easily you can be replaced seems emotionally abusive to me.

You can clearly do better, that would be my suggestion.

[es20490446e]

https://youtu.be/JaafepdoTQY

[NoLookingAtSoleil]

If you are serious friends are other couples. Or enjoying genuine feelings just the two of you French style 🤗

[prettyboy57886]

Sit and talk away Don't hide anything

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Just talk to him.