How to move on after cheating?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend gave me his passcode and while he was sleeping I went through his phone. I found out he cheated on me 3 months into our relationship. We have been together 2 years now. I can’t look at him the same. He says he didn’t cheat because they didn’t do anything other than meet for dinner and talk. How do I move on like I didn’t know this and make us go back to normal? Am I overreacting for taking my promise ring off?

[Espresso-Grande]

You only have one of two choices. Either accept his word and trust he's never cheated. Or end the relationship based on lack of trust.

Personally, it's not something I could overlook. Meeting for dinner and a chat with another women and not ever telling me about it would be a red flag to me. It would show to me that he is either lying that nothing happened or that his intention was to cheat, but they didn't see each other again after that night for whatever reason. Or, that she was another option, but he chose me instead.
The reason i'd make those assumptions would be because he kept her a secret for so long. .

He's playing down going for dinner and a chat as if it was nothing. So if he had no ulterior motives at all when he met up with her why keep it a secret for this length of time

To me personally, keeping certain things hidden in our relationship is no different than telling me an outright lie. Withholding certain information and lying are both deceptive and manipulative conducts

You can't "unforget" it. You have to either accept it was early on in the relationship and nothing happened. Or accept you just can't move past it.

It's strange that he's kept messages between them both for this length of time. That's also a red flag

[kyleelyn199723]

I’d take my promise ring off. Embarrassing that he gave you that without admitting he cheated. Meeting up with another girl with intentions of being sneaky about it is cheating.

[Asker]

Exactly my thoughts! I get it happened in the “past” but at the same time like he still cheated. He just keeps saying I did not cheat we did not have sex. Yes I met up with her but that was it. I’m thinking she wasn’t the only one then.. I’m obsessing over it. He was even texting me the night he was with her saying he wishes he was with me..

[kyleelyn199723]

For me it’s the fact that he kept it a secret meanwhile he put a promise ring on your finger. That whole ring is based on a bunch of lies because he just wasn’t honest and that is probably the one thing that would make me leave.

[ScottStevens]

It was interesting that he gave you his passcode but did not attempt to clean his phone prior. That dinner date he had must not have meant much or you would have seen more.

You are not overreacting however. Once you promise to be exclusive, that means exclusive. I assume that promise had been made before his date. If not, then maybe you are overreacting.

If you are thinking this could be a forever deal, these type of things will always come up. The issue is knowing you both can be open with each other. Instead of just being pissed, try to openly discuss what your feelings were like when you found the messages. It is best to stick with describing your feelings, do not make assumptions about his, let him tell you where is brain was going.

[Anonymous]

What was your relationship with him at that time? Still dating or together? Dinner and talking was all that happened? If you were together exclusively, why did he even see her? The answer to that and those questions is what I'd look at. Was he not sure about you or your relationship at that time? You could be overreacting depend on these specifics, however you have a right to your feelings. If you can't get passed it, then maybe there is no moving on?

[MandyMaiden31]

after 2 years I think it may be a bit much. 3 months in, really just trying to figure it out. I would take it as that. he obviously did overall wanted to be with you for the long haul. how is your relationship in general aside?

[Asker]

Aside of this everything was perfect. We had a baby together and never really argue.
It just hurts cause I would’ve never did this to him. It’s in the back of my head if he’s lying about sleeping with her. He was texting me the same night saying he wishes he was with me.

[Asker]

Or expected him to do this. He kept flipping his phone over to where you couldn’t see anything and it just gave me an uneasy feeling.

[spartan55]

You already didn't trust him, or you wouldn't be going through his phone. The relationship was doomed anyway.