Men can you tell me why you are much more lenient with your woman if they cheat with other women but it's a deal breaker if they cheat with other men?
WTF
Why are you not as angry? đ¤ She was disloyal if your married her. She shitt** over all over your vows why is it less of an offense because she chose to go behind your back with a woman?
I don't see the difference can someone who feels like this please explain?
Women same to you in reverse?
Are you more lenient if it's a same sex relationship? and if so why?
Cheating is genderless so why is your reaction based on who it is rather then the actual act itself?
Cheating is cheating either way I am angry
I am more lenient if it's same gender cheating and my reason is below
Can I ask, was there any part of you that was a *tiny* bit okay with it? I hear stories about men liking women being together, and granted there's physical cheating (sex) and emotional cheating (more than sex), I hope this question isn't painful for you but um... Well I'm curious and I've never gotten to ask someone in that situation before.
@Anon1996thesecond No, I wasn't okay with it and I wasn't titillated by the idea. She was going from Florida to upstate NY to visit friend where she lived previously. She had a fear of flying and wanted to go by train. Okay.
Then she had a female friend who also wanted to go north to visit friends and they decided to travel together "for safety." Okay.
Then wouldn't it be a good idea to get a sleeping compartment for the trip. Okay.
Then I found out that there wasn't much sleep done when they occupied the sleeping compartment. She lied and took advantage of me and the idea of those two going down on each other was not an arousing thought.
If a husband I assumed to be straight cheated with a man I would be more confused and disgusted as opposed to hurt. I guess straight people perceive the same sex as competition and thatâs why weâre angry, jealous, hurt and feel like what do they have that we donât? Whereas if it was the same sex then Iâd not have those thoughts. Iâd just be confused.
Some seem to not view lesbian âsexâ as real sex because women donât have penises. Then again if a man were to not penetrate their women and just do other stuff theyâd still be pissed off. Itâs somewhat probably because of the reasons above too.
I personally would never be with a bisexual man. I donât want to be with any man who has sex with men and Iâm not attracted to such men. I have nothing against gay people, they can do what they want with gay people but I donât want to be with a bisexual man. Only 100% straight men. Also I donât like men who have lesbian fantasies as I am solely interested in men and cannot fathom why a man would want to see two women have âsex.â
Completely agree with your reply. I would also feel confused and disgusted if I assumed my partner to be straight and they slept with a man as opposed to hurt because if he sleeps with a woman the automatic feeling is âwhy wasnât I good enough?â Or âwhat does she have that I donât?â And we compare ourselves to them and kill ourselves with questions and self doubt whereas if he cheats with a man there is no question of that. Our self esteem doesnât get shattered because a man is not our competition so weâre left with feelings of confusion and like why did this man waste my time by using me as a beard so I guess weâd feel deceived more than inadequate. We donât want to ever be not good enough but real maturity comes with knowing we are good enough and nobody needs to give us a certificate to qualify and if someone cheats then theyâre an asshole who lackâs integrity thatâs it.
Men who are lenient when their woman cheats with another woman, are hoping for a mff threesome, or they aren't as worried because women can't get other women pregnant.
Once another guy gets your girl pregnant, thats it, there is no repairing that relationship. New guy is dad, and you will never be rid of him if you make any attempt to stick around.
Whereas for some guys, they are fine letting the extra girl be around, and possibly even want to hump her too.
Otherwise they are typically just as pissed as off as if it were a guy, and there are std risks to consider as well.
I don't think poly relationships are realistic unless you have no life, because being attentive takes up a lot of time, and std risks I take seriously, so It's honestly something I'm not ok with regardless. But... I do have to admit, despite it pissing me off either way, if she cheated on me with another guy, I'd be more pissed than if it were a girl, it just feels like more of a violation of my body to be deceived into sharing a girl with another guy.
Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. I appreciate the honest response because this really does baffle me. The thing with the hoping for a 3 some is that If she wanted a 3 some she wouldn't be cheating. She would involve him and take the risk of losing him because when you make a decision in life you take on the repercussions of that decision. It could go either way right? She has decided to say nothing and go behind his back so she is sleeping with her without him so there is a possibility that isn't even on the table depending on mindset. If they were planning to involve The boyfriend he would be involved. The minute you lie you increase the chances of losing someone. When your up front honest and you give that person a choice. and most people appreciate the opportunity to choose. What's not appreciated is being lied to and strung along.
The hope a of 3 some. Even if it was the case that would be a last ditch attempt the save the relationship if she is caught. It still doesn't erase what she did and in a way endorces it because if his thought process is for a 3 some that in itself comes at a price. Your saying it's OK that you cheated on me coz I get to sleep with both of you. My question would then be what is that guy's self worth? He is prepared to trade his dignity to get it on with two women. Even though that was gained through lies and decept. Self worth is being traded for sexual gratification that is worth it?
If one will put up with this behavior simply because it's a woman she did the dirty with and not a man. what does it make him? đ¤ This would lead one to think what else would he put up with? It's a violation but it's minimized in his mind coz it's another woman but in reality she's had her cake and eaten it. Where is this going? At this point one is saying its OK for you not to respect me and our wedding vows. She will take it as what else can I get away with? All I can see is a disaster waiting to happen. When you let shit like this go your indirectly saying you can disrespect me, walk all over me and treat me like shit.
The pregnancy thing meaning the woman she is with is not a threat OK. Fair enough. But doesn't that beg the question. Does one really want to start a family with a woman capable of lying through her teeth and has 0 respect for him?
I don't know much about poly relationships but I think that they are open so there is transparency. If there is honesty and openness there is no problem it's lying and cheating that doesn't sit right.
Men who find it acceptable or "hot" prove that they see their relationship not as a relationship, but rather something with a partner where they can make their fetishes come true. Any man who is okay with their woman being intimate with another person, whether it is a man or a woman, is a cuck.
If my girl does something with another girl (like kissing or whatnot), I consider that teaching and I'd make sure to dump her instantly. I have no time to play stupid games like that when I'm serious about being in an EXCLUSIVE relationship.
If you're tolerant of everything, then you stand for nothing.
I agreeđit's not a relationship. The thing is this fetish doesn't make sense because she is cheating which means he isn't involved. She may up and leave him when she see`s fit. So the fetish remains a fetish and he`s just been taken for a mug. She might get caught and might let him join depends how she feels. She has all the power its a false sense of security this notion of her being with a woman so it's no threat. If in the end she doesn't want him involved then what happens to this fetish? If it works out fine but if it was going to work out she wouldn't need to lie about it. She wouldn't need to cheat. We wouldn't need to be here.
I will never understand these people. I find them both pathetic and feel pity for them. The person who cheats with the same sex and the other who thinks it's fine. The person who does the cheating tells me that they are not capable to have a committed relationship. They want to have their cake and eat it too by having the benefits of a bachelor's life and the benefits of having a partner. This is an obvious sign of a hole in their personality and are obviously insecure as well as not having respect for their partner.
The other person who thinks it's okay. It's actually often a sign of insecurity and fear of being alone. So they try to rationalize it by making it look like they are "okay" with it. Some of them just see it as a fetish which indicates they watch too much porn. So not only are they suffering from low-self respect, low selfesteem, but seem to also hold cuckold tendencies if they aren't already full blown cucks. In the end, not my problem. I'm not the one who needs to contact a therapist later on
Stay home wives tend to be more tolerant of cheating because they usually are uneducated and lack the ability to survive on her own without her husband.
@shaysh87 We aren't living in the 20s here in the west. You won't find a woman who is uneducated. We've come a long way due to feminism. No person should be tolerant of cheating if both partners vowed to commit fully to the relationship. If it were an open-relationship or the woman decided to go with a top-tier man whom has made it clear to her that he will be sleeping around whenever he is away from home, then that's her own fault for picking that instead of a man who DOES want to commit to her fully.
why do you think divorce rates are so high? because women can survive without men.
and you speak of every relationship as a "committed relationship". Not all relationship are strong and committed, and fulfilling. People tend to cheat only when they know the person they are with aren't the right one, or the relationship is dysfunctional.
There is a married man who cheated on one of his exes to take his current wife on a first date to see a broadway show. Fast forward 15 years, he is happily married, with 4 children, never cheated.
there's also another popular GAG user on here who cheated on his wife with a coworker. He ended up abandoning his wife and kids, moved with her to another state , been happily married to her for over 30 years. Never cheated.
Prince charles cheated on princess diana with camilla bowles for many years. Soon prince charles married camilla bowles years after diana's tragic death. They have been steadily happily married ever since. Its been 16 years of a happy marriage.
People tend to cheat when they are unfulfilled being with the wrong person or if they are stuck in dysfunctional relationships that simply do not work.
You can't force someone to be committed to you. Love is fate. It either works out or it doesn't. If someone is unfulfilled by you, he is going to have the wandering eye.
I'm not justifying cheating in any way. Cheating will always be a lowly thing to do. But like people cheat. People steal. People rob. People murder. People lie.
YOu walk in to any relationship taking on the risk of being cheated on. The world is not meant to be safe.
@shaysh87 I 100% agree with you. I was simply talking about those who cheat who choose to be in a committed relationship. Of course there is always a risk of being cheated on. If someone doesn't want to risk that, then they should never get into a relationship. But you do realize that the main topic here is that it is still cheating when a woman gets intimate with another woman (or in the same sense, when a man gets with another man). Where we were also discussing men who think it's "hot" for their girlfriend to kiss or get intimate with another woman.
For the rest, all the things you've said is true, but misplaced here.
if your girlfriend becomes intimate with another woman. then that means she probably doesn't see your relationship as seriously as you see it. like i said, you cannot force your girlfriend to be committed to you. Love either works out or it doesn't. Commitment is a choice. So if she cheats on you, understand that you are not entitled to her full commitment (unless she agrees to marry you). When you're just dating, you're both really just "trying out". Unless you are married to someone, you have no legal claim or right of ownership over your partner.
There's people in this world that either enjoy or fetishize the thought of woman on woman action, or people who don't take it as personally since it implies they're still the top in some sort of category (like their gender {e. g. male, female, etc.}) so they are much more lenient.
I'd rather not get into the nitty gritty details (mostly because this is second hand information without a proper source except anecdotal evidence based on my own experiences, rather than a proper psychological study), but this is based on what I know from talking with some of my friends about their relationships.
It makes you an option. The other spouse has a divided heart. Why be married in this situation? I have been in this situation and it is very hard not to get your heart broken and feel like something is wrong with you that they need somebody else. You worry about the other person brining in an STD. In your mind you know that something is wrong with them, but your heart does not know that.
From what I gathered from male friends, it's a combination of love/loyalty mix with the relief/hope that it's not another man; that at least he's still the only man in her life.
Thanks for that! But I would be interested to hear where you stand as a woman on this. Do you find it less offensive it being same sex? Or it makes no difference would you still be as offended?
Oddly, yeah. If he cheated on me with another man, I'll be very confused at first. Has be always been bi? Was he gay this whole time? And many more questions.
Because I love him, I know I'll try to empathize and make sure he hasn't been struggling with his sexuality the whole time (if this is the outcome, then we may stay as friends when the relationship ends).
If he comes at me with bullshit that doesn't make sense, then I'll get mad.
I mean that would mean he was stringing you along the whole time. I get what your saying and it's super understanding but I really think this conversation needs to happen before he goes ahead rather then after so it would be more respectful for him to tell you he thinks about doing stuff with guys and it's getting to the point where there is a high likelihood that he will act on it. That way he is being honest. Then you could decide what you wanted to do.
I guess some guys see bisexual women as opportunities for sex with multiple females.
There are so many kinds ig guys and men out there that each have their own reason for this double standard.
I have guy friends who have offerd their girlfriends for me to have sex with them. I have refused those cues. I also have had friends who will explode by the idea of their girlfriend touching another girl or guy.
Irrespective of sex, cheating is cheating, be they spouse or long term partner the reaction from me would be the same, the relationship would be over, if it was a long term partner it would be finished immediately, If married the the divorce would be as rapid as the local law would allow and most likely 'scorched earth'.
It is still cheating and there is risk of sexual competition and emotional attachments, which is why I dislike the idea of being with a bi woman in the first place. But a woman is not going to make anyone pregnant. So she is less of a threat in that way at least. It's a slight advantage but advantage nonetheless.
I don't understand how your initial reasoning doesn't counter out the last one. The fact a woman cannot get another woman pregnant is not such an advantage that it excuses the behavior
Cheating has consequences. An example of this is in the Friends episode where Rachel found out Ross slept with Chloe. At first I thought ok Rachel, youâre overreacting. But now I realize her frustration. Ross only did that as a cop out because he assumed Rachel was going to see Mark over him. Ross had no clear communication.
I'd be disappointed if she played with another woman, but it would be much different if it was with a man. My reason is simple: another woman isn't direct competition for me while another man is. I'd talk to her and try to learn what the other woman does that pleases her so that I can do a better job of pleasing her.
@AvitorTom. Interesting answer. Your prepared to try and salvage something even though she lied. Fair enough. My worry is however how she would interpret your willingness to please and your dismissal of her action. If you are able to turn shit around and make it work that's great however at what price? You overlooking her behavior shows that she doesn't need to respect you or keep promises made to each other. If she can get away with this it beggers the question what else she can get away with. A woman can leave a man for a woman it's happened before. What if she happens to 'come out' while your together but just doesn't tell you? She might very well run of with her. That aside a lie is a lie she was dishonest. I don't get how if she can lie about that you can trust her to be honest about anything else?
@leetsbereal. Thoughtful reply. You are correct in that this may not be good in the long run. Over time, I might learn that and end the relationship. However, if the relationship is otherwise solid, I wouldn't end it over this one thing. She might even be interested in the 3 of is playing... wouldn't that be interesting?
@AvitorTom life is short so without certainty which you can't get from someone who is naturally disloyal and happy to lie. I get where your coming from she made a mistake. Still its hard to know if she's a solid. If she was honest came clean before it got there said she's got someone on the side she has feelings for wants to act on them and wants you to join that's completely different she is inviting you and making you part of the plan accepting fully that she might lose you that's character but if she's doing it behind your back gets caught then tries to cover things up or makes things up in her own interest and not the interest of the two of you... It's just to much of a question weather or not you can trust her.
As an openly poly person, I do not understand why people need to hide anything. I certainly do not sleep around and am in two committed relationships. They both know about each other. One of my girlfriends is bi and has two female FWBs, the other one used to have a male friends with benefits, and I know all about those relationships. I would be upset if that was done behind my back.
The guys who don't care don't view the other woman as a threat to his relationship OR he doesn't really consider his relationship to be serious so it doesn't matter.
Lenient? No. Not angry? Personally there's no point. It's over. No need to stress about it at the moment. I'll just cry or drink with friends or alone, but to the girl? We just leave (or have her pack her things, depending on who owns the house).
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
It is still cheating, but it's also the fact that it's gross with another dude. It's a similar, if not the same, disgust factor that makes guys prefer girls will less/no experience. If she wanted to bring another girl into the relationship then I would be fine with that, but not telling me and just doing it is still a problem. But going and fucking a guy would just not be good in any way.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Well you're kind of hoping for a three-way action thoughts do not guarantee results manage your expectations damn I sound like a corporate hack job from risk management
Cheating is cheating period , the person that takes a cheater back is a moron and desperate as fuck , they are wasting their time with someone that can cheat on them
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