Is my boyfriend an introvert or just lazy? He is sweet but never wants to do anything?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys - dating this really great guy, but the behavior is getting to be sort of hard.

He is so sweet but claims to be an introvert, so I do give him all the time in the world & love/respect him. I keep updated with him every day. He keeps himself very busy/is constantly working on projects, so I see him about once or twice a week, but we text enthusiastically & I'm always supporting his work. However, I guess he just never really wants to do much? His work is priority & he would rather stay in for a night working than hang with me.

I go & do everything usually alone & update him. I am always offering things to do, like "hey we should go hiking!" or "do you want to come to the lake this weekend?" etc., but he either says "great!" and then we never do them, or he just politely declines. I've suggested probably dozens of things but he's very involved on his projects. He always asks about my day.

This is fine but I'm starting to feel a bit alone. When I do come over, it's just very rote & we watch/talk about his stuff. I love him a lot, but we are not very affectionate & it's just getting very dry. I often feel uncomfortable around him.

When I do small things like get him gifts from my trips, etc., or compliment him, he just says "oh. thank you.", & don't think he realizes any significance. He is comfortable with low affection/compliments.

When we are affectionate, it's probably like once a month & I'm not super ready/comfortable He does go hang out with his friends & does stuff with them occasionally, doesn't see anything wrong & doesn't seem to miss me. He is happy & can go much time without seeing me/noticing. So he is an introvert but he does go do some stuff.

I just feel really weird in this relationship? Feel that we are growing further & further apart. How do I speak my mind? I just feel like it's not enough time together, & maybe we are just opposites (love language, etc.). He's a great, but stoic guy. How to talk to him gently?

[Finchie40]

Most guys are like this , He appreciates the things you do for him like the gifts etc. But in his mind he is probably feeling like you don’t need to give him gifts , he doesn’t hate it but probably feels you don’t need to go out of your way for it , Sometimes to much gift giving can make a guy feel like you are trying to cover up something bad you did , it leaves question marks on his head as to why is she giving me all these gifts all the time , He won’t say anything cuz he doesn’t want to come off as being insecure , Since you are his first relationship this is all new to him and his mind is probably filled with question marks of all the negative shit that he seen on social media or heard from friends, so it’s harder for him to express his true feelings to you without getting himself hurt , it sounds like he has some walls up on whether to give his heart completely to you or not , Gaining someone’s trust these days is harder to come by sadly to say , cuz of all the nonsense that is spread all over social media about how girls do this and do that etc.. So most guys put a wall up to protect themselves from getting their hearts crushed , But to really say for sure what is going on in his head is hard for me to answer completely considering I don’t know the guy, but If you like him a lot just keep showing you are there for him and he will eventually snap out of that funk and open up to you more in time , Make him feel loved and wanted and appreciated as much as you can but also do not hurt your own self in the process, best advice I can give , we can only give what we receive , when it feels like we are giving to much without receiving then sometimes it’s best to walk away , Love can not be forced it can only be guided , When you feel like you have to force someone to love you then you are only hurting yourself , Value your self worth and realize you are a beautiful person and deserve someone to love you the same way you love them , if they choose to walk away , let them go , never put yourself lower then them to appease them , just because we like someone and want to be with that person doesn’t mean we have to be , you can still love and care for someone that isn’t by your side sometimes it’s best to let someone go if you don’t feel at peace with them , You can’t love someone when your head is filled with constant question marks

[Asker]

Best answer!!! Thank you💗💗

[Asker]

This really helped me, and it was so beautiful. This really gave me a great perspective. I am happy with the amount of effort I was giving him, but looks like I am not getting much back. So I think you are right. I really appreciate your comment on peace, and forcing love, bc I don't know if this feels right. I am going to keep trying & do my best. Also, thanks for the part about the gifts. I made him a handmade art project, and got him a knife, and that's it. He didn't seem to like it at all. but this makes sense

[Finchie40]

No problem, it sounds like he has insecurities that he is not capable of burying , How long have you been dating him? That can help me answer your question a little better , And again if you feel like you have constant question marks in your head and feel like you are giving more than receiving then it’s probably best to take a step back and see if he comes to you , when someone really likes someone they show the same effort in return , when it comes down to you having to make excuses for someone’s actions than that isn’t a healthy relationship, so sometimes it’s best to take a step back and make the other person realize what they are doing , if he doesn’t want to lose you he will come chasing you back , if he doesn’t then that’s your answer to really reconsider wasting your time with this guy, You should never be someone’s convenience, You have feelings and wants as well, so when those feelings and wants aren’t met then sometimes it’s best to let them go and move on , It’s ok to express your feelings of concern to him , but if he doesn’t make any changes to show you he really cares about you then my advice is don’t waste your time you will only be hurting yourself

[Asker]

Been dating him about 4 months. 1st month, he went out of his way for me, was insane chemistry, and then by 2nd, he dropped off the planet and it was like this. totally different. I have definitely started taking a step back. He does ask me to hang out but it just kind of "feels" strange? Like again, all we do is sit around and do about his projects while he works. He doesn't reach for affection, compliment, wanna do other things (introvert?). He's a nice guy tho. Someone said they're just like this. I think he is depressed as he lost a family member last year, but he never brings it up. He has gone MIA twice now for like 2 days & was worried about him. Basically, it's like he never "needs" me. When I have slept over at night, he faces away from me & sometimes gets up in the morning to avoid intimacy, which I find odd. That was a red flag for me. I don't know man! Hot & cold lol! I am definitely going to take this advice.

Also, this was incredible advice and some of the best I've ever had. It summed up everything and thank you.

[Finchie40]

Yea something is totally off especially after 4 months. , just be careful and don’t let your guard down , and don’t be a sitting duck , 4 months of him acting this way doesn’t seem right what so ever , I pray for the best for you

[ohshee]

I to am an introvert that because of work I've had to tough it out and become part extrovert because I need to communicate with people business-wise.
I enjoy the same thing working and working on my own projects but when I'm with somebody I want to be with that person. I do want to turn her into an introvert so we can just lay around cuddle the be with each other and I also know that I love being outdoors and I need to have fresh air I don't care if you're an introvert or an extrovert it's called choice you either are going to make it all about yourself or you're going to understand the person you're with and make it about her and I choose to make it about her. Because I look at it from her point of view I look at it as my point of view.
Here is an example I would love to have a pet but I'm not home enough to take care of it the way that I take it should be taken care of so I don't want to make that pet suffer being home alone so I don't get one I can't take care of it the right way that I I just don't have one. The same way with the girlfriend except for a little bit different well maybe not LOL but I hear what you're saying and I feel bad for you
I think you have two options and that is either accept it or move on because it's just going to get worse I would think
And that really sucks because you do sound like you're very nice girl so to answer your question I would say it's both and probably a couple of other things but I'm not going to say with those might be because I don't know what hundred percent I just know if it was me

[Asker]

Thank you!!!😭😭This was so so helpful. This really gave me a great perspective. Bc I want to be better and understand him.
And I get it... he actually just broke up w me bc he said he couldn't handle a relationship right now/give me what I needed. So looks like it's the same thing as the pet analogy!
I really appreciate it. I really appreciate that you said want to spend time with your girlfriend bc that helps my perspective

[ohshee]

Yes but I dont have a girlfriend. Or a pet lol. I'm sorry that he did that to you because it's just that cool you seem like you're a sweetheart and he's making it all about himself really that kind of sucks

[Asker]

Thanks, I really agree!!! ❤️My heart is really broken. I hope he finds peace and gets the space he needs. Thanks for your kind words!!! And you should get a pet in that case, lol...

[ohshee]

Pets are fun but I'm not that much of an introvert do I have lots of passion and desire and I'd love to give it share it and feel it there's something really beautiful went to energy Bond and become one

[caring__1]

From what you are writing, it appears he is introverted. As you see, that doesn't mean dysfunctional... he just gravitates toward structures that work for him. That proves he's not lazy. I'm not seeing any signs that he's really into you, but it could be he doesn't see a structure within the relationship that allows him to feel functional, productive and this is where he belongs.

Ask him what worked or didn't work about his previous relationships. Show him you want to understand relationships from his perspective. It may be possible to explore and discover structures that work for him in the relationship. If he's not interested in doing this exploration and discovery with you, chances are he's just not into you. He may like you, but he's not energized by you. That's not a judgment of you, but a statement of what he believes works for him. Not everyone is right for everyone else. Don't waste your time if the two of you are on different paths.

[Asker]

Thank you SO much. He told me that he has never had a relationship before, and this is is first. I told him I can't always read him, and he feels like we do plenty of stuff. Maybe I need to think of more concretes. thanks for this answer, I appreciate it and I know that I always go out of my way for him

Also, could you elaborate on how he doesn't see a structure where he belongs/feels functional? I give him so much free time, and I always ask him for help/to participate but don't get much back.

Thanks for this answer

[caring__1]

In his work, he knows exactly what is expected of him, and he feels qualified to accomplish the challenges. This builds his self-esteem. Let's say I schedule you to do brain surgery next Tuesday. I'm very supportive of you, constantly telling you how confident I am in your ability and even giving you great suggestions... even though you have absolutely no medical training. What's the likelihood that you'll accept this challenge?

Your boyfriend has no experience in relationships and has no idea what they are all about or what his role is in it. I'd suggest you watch movies with him that show what relationships are all about. You can pick any movie that you feel shows functionality in a relationship, but don't just watch one movie. Here is one I'd recommend. It shows many different types of relationships and how people either learn or don't from each other, and how that knowledge changes people. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1289403/

You say you can't always read him, but how can you expect to read someone who is speaking a foreign language? Think of anything you did for the first time. How comfortable were you in doing so? Were you concerned about looking foolish to others or failing or disappointing someone? If he's willing to learn, be patient with him. Introverts can make amazing partners when they understand what is expected of them, they feel qualified in those areas and this is something that has value to them, so they want to do it.

[Cubus]

Tell him politely how you feel. I'm also an introvert and I find trying some new activities (like the hiking you mentioned) hard. I think it's something in between introvertism and lazyness.

[MJtheCoach]

You picked him and based on even his personality description he’s a beta girly guy.


Being lazy is part of that sweet personality that you described.

[Soleil8000]

Do you want to have a child with him?

[Otakugeek]

Nah busy