This seems like an absolutely monumental task and like someone's one the other side of the door with all their weight on it to keep it closed. Asking what I'm doing wrong has never resulted in a helpful answer.
So let me ask you this: what are you doing right? How are you able to go from person to person with ease or at least with some effort?
For guys specifically: do you sometimes feel invisible and have to do something specific to uncloak in a way?
Tough poll choice, because it's really easy, but also really hard. Or neither. But kind of both.
It can be hard to meet people, but it can also be easy. It can be a pain in the ass to date people as well, or it can be a dream.
My take is the easy way is the best way. You should get a date from someone you are naturally drawn to. Or it doesn't even have to be an official date, you could just invite them to hang out with you and your friends group. Or maybe they are already in your friends group and you can ask them to hang out just the two of you sometime to get to know each other more intimately.
If you are having a hard time even interacting with people like I feel many people do these days, work on your social skills and create opportunities. Something as simple as BBQing on your own one day a week and starting to invite people over.
"I BBQ on Thursdays. Would you want to come over? Free chicken!(or soy dog if your vegetarian)".
It could also be something else like a game night or a walk on the beach, or a hike or something. Just do it every week at the same time, and start inviting people. you can invite one person or 10 or 30. I used to throw parties a lot, and invite about 30 people if I wanted to have a nice party of about 8-12, because so many people already have plans or maybe just don't want to go for whatever reason. I've never worried about too many people showing up.
Once you have a social group and gatherings, the dating options will start rolling in.
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3 Reply
Asker
+1 y
What if your extended social circle is single guys?
Then you guys might want to have a group discussion about diversification and including women in your social activities. Maybe make a commitment that each of you has to invite 3 or more women (again, the rule that not everyone you invite will show up) to a weekly soirée
I like that. I moved out of state, so my friend group is basically 0 with a few acquaintances that I'm slowly turning to friends as good as the ones I left, but that takes time.
You have to have some activity (or activities) that someone else can share with you. I was into ice skating lessons, but there are other things like dancing lessons, photography, horseback riding, bowling, sailing, whatever. Activities like that give you things you can talk about, and a venue for going on a date.
Be positive, and understand that there’s a chance you’ll get shot down. It might not even be YOU, it might be she just isn’t into dating right now. It can be a little scary asking for a date, because you’re giving a little control of yourself over to someone else, which makes you feel vulnerable, but on the other hand, she’s giving a little control of herself to you, which can make her feel a little vulnerable.
The date might not even turn into something hot. You might just end up as friends having a nice time with each other, and that’s it. Still, you’re getting experience and sharpening up your skills. If you end up really clicking together, just be confident, try a kiss, see where it goes.
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2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I'm still stuck at the first step. Having someone agree to go on a date. I have the activities and such, just no woman that would ever agree to attend with me. You need to take things a back to the absolute beginning with me.
There are a lot of women out there who can be just as insecure as guys are. The woman who you 'click' with may not be that cute fox you dream of. She might just be somebody plain looking, or overweight. Whatever activities you're into, just be positive and friendly with whoever's there. Even older women, you don't need to 'hit' on them, just have friendly conversation with them. You're practicing your social skills with them, and you never know, if you get in good with them, they might have some daughter or niece that they might introduce to you. Don't be desperate to get laid. Women pick up on that quick. Just be friends first, and keep in mind, guys get shot down more than they score.
How to start dating? You download a dating app and talk to girls and ask them out. You leave the house more often and approach a woman you make eye contact with and ask or her number.
You have to have thick skin because you are bound to be rejected or disrespected. You have to learn to move on and not let things affect your confidence.
How to not get attached? Don’t go into anything with high expectations. And don’t think highly of anyone until they’ve earned that. Don’t trust them until they’ve earned that either. Meet each person with a clean slate in mind. You can still have the objective of wanting to be in a relationship but don’t expect that from anyone until they reach *your* standards and your requirements.
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1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I go to the gym, take krav maga, am a regular volunteer around the community. I talk where I can, but I get about 5 minutes of casual talk before "nice to meet you". People don't make eye contact...
Dating can be intimidating. I was in a relationship for 11 years after we split I had no idea what I was going. I've had more bad dates then good unfortunately but the bad dates you can learn from know what to do better in the future. I was set up on couple blind days via friends but I also use online dating it's been helpful kind of break the ice before you meet. I will say tho my best relationships were with a person I ran into met at a store or whatever. That's how I met my ex of 11 years was by chance at church one day. I walked up to him and interduced myself to him and the rest is history.
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5 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Online dating is a no go, and do women actually like being approached? Everything I've seen seems to indicate that at no point is a guy to approach a woman unless she gives the go-ahead. I don't get those needless to say.
Well that depends if your checking a women out she notices and smiles looks back at you gives you a sign she's interested, then I'd think about your approach. I'd approach introduce yourself start with small talk, feel out the situation then make a move. That is what I do when I'm interested in someone
Let's take that back a few steps. Say I check someone out and I don't get those signs. What then. You could say on to the next, but at a certain point you just become a pervert looking at everyone. If there is neutral at *best* reaction, what then? There's got to be some step here I'm missing.
Honestly I don't approach if I don't see signs myself but that's me I'm discreet about checking people out I try not to get caught unless I want them to of that makes sense
So you're saying that a lack of obvious signs is not a sign of a lack of interest? How would I discern that from just flat out not interested/not wanting to be approached at all.
This is the wall I run up against when I look this up and all I read is how women only want to be approached when they give the go-ahead (like I mentioned before) because they get so many guys talking to them in public. This is especially dangerous for me now that I work for a very large and prominent company in my area (maybe 3-7% of the population of the city works for them). Accidentally doing that to a co-worker could mess up transfers.
I went with A but the hard part was finding a really great one (I had so many before I finally found my wife who is exceptionally compatible with me). Finding one and continuing to date was fairly easy for me.
As for what I did to do that, I'm not sure. One thing is that I'm really interested in a wide variety of subjects as well as people in general and so that helped me to make a wide variety of friends and acquaintances and click with a lot of people. Then I could date among them.
I also love to have fun. At parties, I wasn't the cool guy standing in a corner with folded arms. I was the one having the most fun in the center of the party talking to everyone around me and having a great time. I think some girls -- not all -- picked up on that sort of thing and seemed to be attracted to me for that reason: enough to approach me and get really flirty.
Also, my biracial/mixed looks and the way I traveled all over the place growing up might have sparked a curiosity in some women. Every woman who approached me usually started with the question of where I was from. For example, the first girl who passed me her phone number was at a clothing store in the US, and she asked me where I was from. So I told her I'm from Japan and she said she loves Japan. Then we talked for a long time, and then she asked me to write her name in Japanese. So I did in Katakana and then she wrote down her phone number in exchange. Then we started dating.
Most of the time it's the women who approach me and get flirty and I pick among them. It's only when I'm especially interested in a girl that I approach and initiate the flirting.
As for keeping dates going after I got a date, one thing I think I did differently is that I never did coffee or dinner dates. I was a bit unorthodox but I didn't want to start sitting down. I wanted to date on our feet. So I would often take my dates to places like amusement parks and ride thrilling rollercoasters, or ice skating where we could hold hands and talk, or at least walk around a lot at a park and maybe play tag and chase each other around.
That would usually serve as an icebreaker to get some laughter and playfulness going, and then we often start holding hands laughing and smiling, and then we could have a coffee or dinner. If I just started with coffee or dinner, I don't think I'm charming enough just sitting down and talking without that sort of icebreaker. My love language is physical touch and I'm an athletic type and adrenaline junkie, so I like to do things that are physical, thrilling and involve some playful and affectionate touching of each other.
I'm also capable of making some very bold moves. I usually think we should baby step these things but sometimes you just have to bust out a big move. For example, I won my now-wife over on our first date by jamming an emergency stop button on an elevator and kissing her after bringing the elevator to an emergency halt. I keep such bold moves up my sleeves for the rarest of times, but sometimes they make a big difference.
Well, I don't go to parties, am not invited to parties, moved to a new state alone thus not having anyone to invite, and do not have the same extroverted personality. I would still be stuck at step 0.
I appreciate the comment, but even when I do go out and have a fun time, I would still cause women that I'm not even attracted to wave me away mid conversation.
I've literally had guys buy me tickets to a movie to see it with them after talking to them in a coffee shop. I've had a couple (guy and girl) give me there number after skiing with them to go to a bar afterwards. I'm not bad at socializing, I'm bad at attracting apparently. I am hard capped at friend material.
That's a tricky one. What I found in my case is that as I started making more connections and hanging out in mixed social groups my ability to get both friends and dates seemed to increase proportionally (I think it started changing my body language on a subconscious level). The toughest obstacle was just learning how to initiate conversations with complete strangers, be bold, things of this nature.
Unfortunatly, since I normally walk on my own everywhere I sense that people notice me more and I discovered that people in groups tend not to be targeted and singled out by other peoples comments on how weird they are or something...
So, often is quite sad that, on top of being lonely, I often have to deal with this kind of ***. Most of the times its a group of 2-3 girls, perhaps they are more prone to gossip or something.
Because of all of this, a relationship may not seem hard to get or maintain in itself but certanly feels painfully more unattainable.
Definitely agree on the feeling invisible, unfortunately if you aren't conventionally handsome, naturally charismatic and indifferent to actually wanting a relationship it seems like you're out of luck these days.
If you desire a relationship you're needy, if you're a safe dating option you're boring and if you're average looking you might as well be Quasimodo's twin, at least that's what a lifetime of rejection has taught me.
I still hope I'll find someone who I can give all the love I have inside, that I can support and have a family with, but so far I just end up feeling massively unwanted and unloved that I'm at the point of hopelessness, so I sincerely hope you find the answers you need and end up in a better situation than I am.
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
It's only something that literally every dude who's ever gotten his dick wet has managed to accomplish. So not exactly an exclusive club. The main thing you need to do is get out of your own way. Stop thinking and start doing. Talk to girls--hell, talk to EVERYONE. Be social. From there you'll end up in conversations. Learn to steer those to interesting places that keep people engaged. Once you've sorted that out, you can then work on asking girls for their number. I'll stop here because I suspect you need to focus on the work up to this point.
0
2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Honestly yeah, the keeping people engaged part is hard. With every other comment, if I try those things, it will end up be me coming up with a topic, a strong conversation for a little while, then silence as I think of something new. Very rarely does the conversation last through one seamless motion.
So you know what you need to work on! You should have half a dozen or so transitions you can use. Figure out where you want to steer the conversation and then how you'd transition a conversation to where you want to go. A good place to start is with some interesting events going on in your town, or new restaurants, cafes, bands, whatever. The reason being, if you're talking to a hot girl and you can transition to one of these topics and she seems interested in it, it gives you the ability to suggest you go check it out together.
But regardless, you need to be able to transition conversations from one topic to another. Practice that.
Honestly finding a date is the hardest thing in the world to me. The only girls I've been in a relationship with were girls I've met in person. I've been on online dating sites for like 10 years now and I've only had 2 date from them and that was YEARS ago when dating sites were better. Online dating now seems impossible.
I think the best thing to do at this point is not even to try dating as a guy. Between technological progress and cultural attitudes right now, you’re at a monumental disadvantage. Instead, focus on being attractive. There’s physical attractiveness, charisma, and financial attractiveness to work on. Physical attractiveness being the most impactful, start there. If you don’t fall into something along the way, at the end of the road it will be a much easier time.
I am not, Sorry for that not following the protocol.
Actually keeping anything stable is a tough work you know, unless you got feeling towards it. Hehe, I am not that kind of person but I can say from my point of view.
Its fun, its tough, its mind blowing, and its stressful.
But if you share your opinions and thoughts and they share too, then boom. You will have a dacision, according to above options.
The best way I know possible is to start with a friendly approach. Build friendship and see from there. Mostly, relationships that last start with friendship.
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0 Reply
Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
i don't know been dealing with an ongoing thing with a girl i liked , feel i'm making progress one day than don't hear from her for days. so harder to take things further than to initially meet them and some don't know what they want
getting a date is easy, dating is a little hard, I hate that i have to do all over again. and there’s like a voice in my head telling me it will also end, making me loose all interest
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