I would not marry a woman who wasn't enthusiastic about taking my last name, for several reasons.
First, it's a very good thing for a husband, wife and children to all share the same last name. The reasons are many and they are practical, legal and psychological in nature.
Yes, a man could just as easily take the woman's name, but let's think about that. Today marriage rates are at historical lows and continue to decline precipitously. Half of marriages end in divorce and women file the vast majority of them. Men know they typically get screwed by women in divorce court and child custody settlements. It should be no mystery to anyone why men are turning their backs on marriage. Having a family who shares his last name is one of the few compelling reasons remaining for a man to get married. Taking that away may well be the final nail in the coffin for the institution of marriage.
Finally, and most importantly, when a woman won't take her husband's last name it speaks volumes about her worldview and her attitudes toward men, relationships and gender relations. It tells me all I need to know about her to be certain she does not deserve to be my wife.
Bullshit, what is she his property? Why should she?
@littlelady050 It has nothing to do with being someone's property. You're a great example of what I described in my last paragraph. You're not marriage material for any self-respecting man. There are men who will accept women like you but they are low-value men who don't have good options so they settle for low-value women like you.
It's not common anymore with that name change here in my country.
But it *is* appreciated.
However I know that it's a big deal in some other countries.
When bringing it up considered starting with offering to change your first name to something more fitting to his last name rather than asking if he minds you not changing your last name.
That'll bring up the topic of your names and you can bring up your concerns about the two names not being compatible in a very respectful way.
If he really doesn't care *he* can then *offer* you to keep your current last name and for only his children to take his last name.
It'll then be *his* decision to bring it up or not.
And you'll have a way out of having to live with two names that don't match even if he doesn't bring up you keeping your last name as a first name change won't come as a surprise, and you can agree on a first name for you that you both like.
Well I think this is quite much an outdated practice, but maybe you're talking from the US. I'm European and I don't know anyone who took their spouse's surname, except some rare eastern Europeans who live like 100 years ago here, or in my early childhood some 90+ women still had that, but not really many of them.
In return, I would assume no man in 2022 would even -think- about this matter (I even tend to forget it existed), but I don't know in the US. Either way, if you want to have a shared surname for the "family" how does your surname sound with his name? If yours is better it could be still an option he takes yours I think... Or somehow combining both of them in sequence, for both of you? (I don't know what the law allows there).
But if your concern is only if he cares or not (and not to get to have a good sounding "family" surname), I'd bet money on "he didn't even remember this is an option in the society".
If he is going to take care of all my legal documents, and if he is going to deal with the crazy fucked up officers (?)- the officers (= germ. Beamte) are crazy in my country) then i am ok with changing my surenames. it is actually an American christian (?) thing, which many muslims/middleeastern dont know. It can be even sin to change your surname in islam sofar I know since even wifes of the prophets did not change their surnames and as a muslim you have to take their wifes as idol too. So yeah.
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Honestly at this piont in my life marriage just sounds like such a stupid thing to do. Given that I am like 90% certain to never marry again, if I even comptemplate the possibility and she wouldn't take my name... I doubt I'd be interested in that type of women any away.
Its not like I am looking to have kids, again so Iat 45 I am guessing it wouldn't matter to me. But I would not do hyphend names either, thats lame!
If I was wanting kids, and wife wouldn't take my name, I'd insist they'd take my last name. There so few things left to men these days, I think the least a women can do is take the fucking last name if they manage to find a sap dumb enough to get married.
Honestly this would sting a bit especially if she was doing it for bs “feminist” reasons. It would have an impact on his reputation. Unless she had a legitimate reason (celebrity women usually don’t change their last names).
However to be far I can understand your apprehension about how it doesn’t feel like it goes with your first name.
I would talk to him about it. Make sure he knows and more importantly believes you aren’t doing this for some sort of bs feminism power play or something. Rather you have a hard time about it.
Changing the surname creates many unnecessary complications. All the identity documents of the woman carry her original name, and she has to explain the situation every time her identity is checked. Getting all the identity documents changed is also a pain.
All your prior achievements are known by your previous name. In case you have any publication or books, they were also published using your original surname. In addition, your friends know you from your previous name and thus, find it hard to track you sometime once you change your surname. Changing the surname is a custom of the past when the society was more patriarchal. For the educated youth today, I don't think it makes any sense for the woman to change her surname after marriage. It is the woman's choice to do whatever she wants to do with her name, and I really don't think anyone has a right to tell her to change her surname.
The name is just a symbol, but life is often just about symbols. It may be wrong, but my sister married a man who had a less pretty last name. She and he would have preferred to take her last name, but out of respect for his parents and tradition, she took his name. It was more valuable to them than their feelings.
You may have a stronger reason, which may be perfectly fine. But I recommend thinking and answering in a few sentences the question why? The basis of the decision and what exactly would bother you if you took his name, name it. The "why" helps me a lot with many problems. By this question we can get really deep inside a person's thoughts, opinions and values.
(Genesis 2:24)(Ephesians 5:31): Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
-This also means symbolically as in under one name…Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
PROMISE ME…that you and yours will get on your individual phones and read ALL of Ephesians 5 together. Then, ask the other, can you do this❓
Both Boys and Girls are addressed in that book/chapter.-Sure will not find anything like that in Quran.
My mother didn't take my father's last name. I feel like the idea that a woman has to take her husband's last name is becoming quite outdated. If/when I get married, I plan on either not changing my last name at all or just hyphenating it. I don't really see the purpose in taking my husband's last name. Maybe I would try to convince him to take mine. (:
Oh yes, absolutely! I did it with the joy in my heart. I really like to be known that I am his and it’s also my wish that he knows I respect him very much. The day we said I do, I changed my Facebook name right away - to tell the whole world I belong to him. It’s actually a nice feeling!
But every woman is different so work with what you think is best and hopefully, it will work out for good.
I'm currently engaged and this is 100% not a big deal to me. At all. If she takes my name, fine – if she doesn't, I really don't give a damn.
To anyone who would draw a line in the sand over a mere clerical issue, I say this: Would she somehow love me less because we don't have the same surname? That's preposterous. If a guy measures the value of his marriage or his spouse's love for him purely based on what her last name is or will be, he has serious issues.
When our son was born my OH didn't want her family name to die out (there are no other males in her family to carry on the name, one brother is gay and has no kids, the other is recently divorced and has 2 daughters). We used both our surnames for his name (double barrelled, we're not married yet).
When we get married, we'll both change our name to match the kids name (we've had a daughter too, she has the double barrelled name)
I'd end the relationship. A guy gains nothing in a legal marriage, and the woman not even wanting to take his last name just shows that she wants it to be even easier and more convenient for her when they divorce and she steals from him.
Seriously, name some positive things a guy gets out of legal marriage?
Y’all’s country is f up
Maybe I'm old fashioned but I like the idea of taking his name.
It's like, the most important man in your life should be your father until your partner, your spouse, comes into your life. Then it's two most important men in your life.
Yea that’s a big deal it removes all doubt and strengthens your bond any woman who doesn’t take the man’s name shouldn’t be with him because it shows you aren’t very committed if he is yours claim him as yours and why should he propose and marry you if you won’t commit to him I see taking the man’s name as the woman’s form of proposal and commiting herself to her husband I mean what are you embarrassed you should claim your husbands name with pride
Taking a mans last name is a sign that you have chosen to be his and are loyal to him.
It puts you into his blanket of protection and care.
If a female does not want that, it shows she is not loyal and wants to keep herself open to other options. She is not worthy of being part of the protection which she would get if she became part of his world.
Why would I? It's just a name to get upset over such a insignificant thing is pointless. You can change your name at anytime and it's not like your parents naming you as a man gave you a superpower that must be transferred over. lol
To me it's not important. For some girls it's the last thing that they have of their family, still carrying the name with them is important. In addition if she has s professional career where her name is already known and established, it makes better sense for her to keep her name. I also like the idea that allows a woman to really keep her identity as herself. All these things to me are at important
No guy I would never marry a guy that would be anything like that. We would rather take whichever name we wanted (meaning we could take mine or his, whichever would work better), we could combine our last names, pick a new last name or put a new last name in front of our regular last names and share that one together. But no never just automatically take his last name just because he is the man.
You’re either in the family or not. That level of rejection ranks right up there with not putting the father’s name on the birth certificate. If you want to be married act like it.
I've been married for 12years already and she didn't take my last name. It doesn't really matter to me but if people ask how come she didn't take my last name, I just tell them how it is "She hasn't earned yet!" Or easier on the paper work. Lol
I'd be honored if she did take my last name, and I'd be okay if she didn't. She's an individual, after all. What's more important is what last (family) name fo our kids get. Hyphenated mother-father names are unnecessarily complicated.
I sure didn't care. Why don't you both change your last names like my friends did? They took different letters from each of their names to make a new last name between them.
I know I sound like a male chauvinist pig but I would be insulted if she didn't take me last name. Like she is not taking this marriage seriously and it would only be temporary to her.
I know it's just an old outdated tradition, but a part of me definitely feels rejected and insulted if she doesn't take my last name. I would definitely care.
I would definitely take my husband's last name. Not cause of the patriarchy, but because I really want us to be family in the real sense.
One couple I know both changed their surname to one they chose together (an entirely different name).
Just a thought!
This is just a ego fight
While it's nice on one level it's also losing out on the continuity and family ties that last names are meant to represent.
I'd feel better about both adopting each others last name for instance.
Also, such a change wouldn't be legal in my country.
Here there's strict rules for what last names you may use during naming and name changes, and you have have to have some kind of claim to a last name in order to use it.
You can get it from parents, grandparents etc or spouses.
Or show that you have a strong claim to the name in your culture (for instance due to religious reasons)
Picking last names willy nilly just isn't a legal option.
Not first names either, but the laws for those are fairly relaxed.
@TrueConfection
There it depends on the state.
But as a rule of thumb you guys have next to no laws regarding names.
As long as it's possible to enter in the local states computer systems.
Something that has resulted in some truly crazy names being used in the US...
I would prefer that she didn't, in fact.
As for offspring, they should take both names.
Whose name first? Just draft it.
Nope. I'm married (and she did take my name) but i honestly didn't care, and was kinda surprised she wanted to. I left that decision up to her.
No it's not that special but she better top it and not have the most mundane name herself if she goes in that direction.
If you are planning to have kids I would say absolutely. If not, maybe not, but for me I would still prefer that the wife take the husband’s last name.
Now if it’s your second marriage, then maybe not. I could be convinced either way.
Why guys can’t take a womens name? I always felt it was not fair only women have to take guys name and guys easily keep their own name. Not right.
Well, in Iceland there isn't really family names as much as fathers names.
So girls are named the name of their father followed by "dóttir" and the name of *their" father followed by "son".
There wasn't really ever a tradition for wives to change their last name to their husbands among the natives although the Danish upper class sometimes did while Iceland still was a part of the Danish kingdom.
However in recent years it's been more popular with naming children after the mother.
So name of mother ownership s then "dóttir" for instance.
Let's just say that my values are more traditional, and leave it at that.
m not at all... no
and it is not my last name, it is my parent´s... lol
My husband was surprised when I told him that I wanted to take his name. I think most of the guys probably wouldn’t have an issue if you keep your name. Or you could hyphenate.
i don't think they would because my last name is very cool
It would bother me, unless there was some practical reason not to take it. I would at least want her to hyphenate her name.
Yes, she is getting to marry me, why would she not want to take my last name? And do my kids end up with some hyphenated name?
Why would a man get married nowadays? He doesn't get anything he used to out of marriage, just a feminist who will divorce him and take his stuff when she gets bored.
I would want a Last Name Coolness Level discussion, but I wouldn’t mind changing my last name if hers was cooler or making a new last name
I'm old fashioned and traditional that way so it is expected and she did without hesitation or me even asking her.
What you his property? Why do you even take his name I never understood that with Americans ! You have yours to be proud of?
It's not a problem if a girl doesn't take my last name
It would be a red flag. It would make me wonder how committed to the marriage she actually is. Also, it would create too much debate on the last name the children would be given.
I guess it's OK if she takes my name. Just as long as she gives it back before she leaves!
No. A lot of women with professional careers keep their name as their licenses and such are in it and it may be a hassle to change them.
Tbh it isn't me and my wife had the same talk about it and im fine with her going as Mrs. ali while she still goes by her original name. It isn't a big deal u just need to convince ur other lover I guess?
No I will not care if she actually loves me. I can also take her last name for her happiness. I only want her love.
But if this is an orange marrge and she don't don't love me then she will have to take my last name.
If I was her, I wouldn't want to either. But I'll admittedly be a little sad if she doesn't. But I get it.
Yeah, this would indicate feminist values to me and I'd be "moving along" instantly.
Why even bother getting married if you're just going to pretend you're single?
It would be insulting. Like the woman taking the man's name is one of the few things a man can feel good about from getting married
It's not important to me at all.
Some guys feel it's important though.
I wouldn't bother. It would creep me out if she does. (No, I'm not married)
She's Latina. She can do what she wants.
My kids have my name.
Well I'm double barreling, she can do what she wants
In Egypt the law doesn't allow the women to take their husband's last name!!
(Marry him in Egypt) 😅
Honestly idc. I feel like they just should to make everything easier but it really doesn’t matter I don't know.
No, in our case my wife was a professional prior to our marriage and she wanted to keep her name. Also, if we hyphenated our surnames, it sounded funny.
No. Love isn't expressed by the names, it's shown to each other by other means.
I wouldn't but Im pretty much easy going so Im not sure if others agree with me
I want to pass down my full name to my first son. He’d be the fourth.
I wouldn't care, my mom didn't, because she got her MD with her maiden name
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