My relationship is in the toilet I need advice?

[Eliza12345]

I’ve completely ruined my relationship with my boyfriend. I’ve said terrible things, so has he, but I’ve said and done the meaner things. While I don’t excuse my behavior, I’ve been frustrated with him for the past 2 years over very fundamental things and lately I’ve just been feeling literally insane. He hasn’t been there for me when I needed him, he constantly gaslights me, blames everything on me, never apologizes, isn’t chivalrous in any way, is a terrible communicator, and often selfish. I know one might think ‘why would you want to stay in this relationship then?’. Well I love him immensely and I believe people can change; I still have hope we can get on the same page. But it’s now at the point where he’s lost all trust and respect for me due to our blow out arguments and I don’t know how to A. Earn his trust/respect back while B. Not having my needs met whatsoever. Any advice greatly appreciated!

[caring__1]

Yes, people can change, but never expect others to change for you. If you want to see change, focus on what is in your control rather than what others should do. You admit the dysfunction of your behavior. What are you doing about it? Never assume your dysfunctional behavior will motivate others to be considerate of your feelings or legitimize your dysfunctional behavior by pointing out what others are doing. I'm not saying you have to like the person he is, but this is who he chooses to be, just as this is the person you choose to be. When will society stop promoting the lie that people will become what you want to see if they care about you? That's as likely as Putin believing Ukrainians will love him for his destruction of their country.

[whiskeyontherocks]

This hits home for me I’ve completely lost interest in my long time girlfriend mostly because she has devalued my needs whenever I brought them up. she to suffers from depression & anxiety. To be honest I never used to advocate for myself, I focused mostly on her. I think this made things hard on both of us and now she’s spoiled and I’m resentful but it’s not her fault. That said if you have had issues with depression etc. my experience of isolating in a attempt of self preservation may help. You’re looking into your actions as a cause which shows understanding but not Empathy. Depending on how long this has gone on for he may have forgotten about his own emotional needs and be silently neglecting himself as well. Or he’s just a void and you can’t make that work in a relationship but he definitely doesn’t want to hurt you by leaving.

[Claudia233]

If you are good for each other you won't have to make him change. He would do it himself, he would want to be the best version of himself for you. Are you sure you want something less than that?

[WhitneySnow]

What did you do to make him lose trust and respect in you?

[Eliza12345]

Other than the stress of our relationship, I’ve been going through a depression and coping with it in negative ways - like drinking too much and starting arguments, so he has lost respect and doesn’t think I have any validity in asking for anything (ex; communication, physical touch, etc). Other than that, each time we’ve broken up I was the one to choose the breakup, so he has distrust in my staying committed long term.

[WhitneySnow]

I really think you should break up with this guy

[Eliza12345]

Honestly, he sees me as ‘getting too mad at everything’, but the things I want from him are completely normal and healthy things- i get SO frustrated that they aren’t there and don’t feel like I’m asking for huge changes from him. He sees me as nagging and picking on him; when in reality I’m asking for: communication, a friend, emotional support, to show interest in my day, my life, to express attraction and care.

[WhitneySnow]

Your requests are totally reasonable. He shouldn’t see them as nagging.

[Eliza12345]

Thank you 🙏🏻 I think so too. I will think about a breakup. Very hard to do when you love someone so much 😞

[WhitneySnow]

I totally get it. Good luck girl 🥰.

[slatyb]

"He hasn’t been there for me when I needed him, he constantly gaslights me, blames everything on me, never apologizes, isn’t chivalrous in any way, is a terrible communicator, and often selfish." And still you think the problems are your fault? Your boyfriend is a narcissist. Get the hell out. You are behaving badly because he doesn't respond to normal behavior.

[OddBeMe]

Well, could be just relationship immaturity which could work itself out over time. As long as both you don’t take things you fight about too seriously.

I had a girlfriend that I fought with very often. Very hyper conflict. But hyper sexual. Almost like we both enjoyed the conflict.

[spartan55]

Why do you need to earn his trust and respect back?

[Eliza12345]

Other than the stress of our relationship, I’ve been going through a depression and coping with it in negative ways - like drinking too much and starting arguments, so he has lost respect and doesn’t think I have any validity in asking for anything (ex; communication, physical touch, etc). Other than that, each time we’ve broken up I was the one to choose the breakup, so he has distrust in my staying committed long term.

[CuriousMufuxka]

Flush him! Really, I believe that you won't give up and waste your awesome on what's a useless cause.

[rabbitzzz]

Only thing you can do is go quite and have his needs met. You say you love him it should make you happy.
If you want to have your needs met find someone who loves you.

[Anonymous]

Women always try to change a guy. People can change but usually do not. Don't expect it to happen.

[TrillXHippy]

Sorry after reading that I can’t give you any advice

[TheLastRhodesian]

At your age you must have matured.