When do men stop thinking "MY" money and start thinking "OUR" money?

Question

I've been living with my boyfriend for over 6 months now, and he earns more than me but we still share things 50/50 (which was admittedly my idea because I assumed after time he would grow up and start to pay a bigger share).

I drop hints how things might be tight this week etc, but he is still very selfish with his money, and I've even mentioned to him we should have combined incomes and put all our money into one account but he doesn't like the idea, said that's for married couples.

razelove · Accepted Answer

If she's putting in money/effort to work towards the same goals together, like raising kids, cleaning, helping to invest towards buying property, a business, whatever the goal may be. Just because a woman wants to combine income, it doesn't mean anything. I've had women live with me in the past who had this thought, if they were persistent they found their stuff in boxes outside as I had many locks to choose from because of managing properties.

Now, you are in an opposite situation, he's leeching off of you, and using you as a springboard for "the next big thing" While he's living with you he can save up his money, look for other opportunities, sleep with you when he's feeling stressed, and his married couples comment likely means y'all are never going to be one.

When my wife and I moved in together it was not long after we began our relationship, and we worked together hard towards our goals. Any distinction between mine and hers vanished very swiftly, you know, except for things like tampons, make-up or guns I owned before we got together. If that had not been the case, we would not have worked towards marriage and a family, and instead used each other to achieve our goals and look for someone else.

Don't be used, make that fool work for what you're offering, whether he makes more or not is irrelevant, he could clean the dishes, anything to live together rather than just sharing a space. I'm willing to bet dollars to dimes that if you stopped putting out he wouldn't be too bothered by it, as his goal is other women and saving money anyway.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

"When do men stop thinking 'MY' money and start thinking 'OUR' money?"
-- Until you are married, it IS his money and your money.

"I've been living with my boyfriend for over 6 months now, and he earns more than me but we still share things 50/50 (which was admittedly my idea because I assumed after time he would grow up and start to pay a bigger share.)"
-- The fact that he earns more than you is irrelevant. You suggested 50/50 and he agreed. Why did you expect him to change after you started living together. Getting into a relationship hoping that someone will change for you is incredibly foolish!
-- If him paying more than you is grown up, then the idea of you paying less than him is childish.

"I drop hints how things might be tight this week etc, but he is still very selfish with his money,"
-- He's not being selfish. He's keeping his part of the bargain and you are complaining because you don't want to keep your part of the bargain.

"I've even mentioned to him we should have combined incomes and put all our money into one account but he doesn't like the idea, said that's for married couples." He's right!

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Six months? That is no time at all to be together. And why are you "dropping hints" instead of having an outright discussion about money?

You've heard of the old saw, "No Romance before Finance," haven't you? You need to keep your finances separate from your romantic life. Unless you've both decided you're in it for the long haul, are planning on marrying and having children, and this is highly unlikely after only six months, your bank accounts and financial business should be separate.

Why do you think his income should support you? Did you help him earn it? So why should you help him spend it?

Now, if you're talking about something shared, such as a special vacation, then it's likely he WILL kick in some of his higher income to make that happen. But on a regular basis because you make less than he does? This isn't his responsibility.

Maybe you should be looking for a better job and more education so you can get that better job. Those factors put you in a better financial situation. But what you're describing you want to do is known as "sponging off someone" or being a "kept woman."

Perhaps you've seen this is many male-female relationships. It's never right to assume a man will take up the slack in your finances. Never assume and never expect.

Maybe he's waiting to see how you handle your finances to determine whether he'll share HIS with you. RIght now, you're not handling them at all. Think of a plan to do better FOR YOURSELF.

Seinna · Accepted Answer

It should happen after you get married. Unfortunately simply being in a relationship doesn't give you that benefit (aside from being treated for a meal sometimes) so relationships like that mostly serve men. In the past men would have to marry to be able to live with a woman like that but nowadays women spoiled men so it's hard to achieve that kind of normalicy anymore.

But from the comments here I think it doesn't even happen in marriage all of the time. Funny enough, though men claim that women are gold diggers they are the same ones who value money over their partner and are materialistic.

by the way I'm starting to think it's a troll account with a man behind it trying to provoke people and make women seem like if they don't give up their youth and security for nothing at all then they're terrible creatures and are only after the money. In reality women lose more by being in a fruitless relationship with a man who doesn't want to take it further and I see it way more often than women supposedly gold digging.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I think men are loyal to woman who serve, protect and value their personal, private and social interests.

Apple1996 · Answer

When y'all get married or have kids

crossdressingrihno · Answer

There was a post similar to this where a woman found out that her boyfriend was saving up tons of money they were paying the bills 50/50 but he was saving up a lot of money and she wasn't seeing anything out of that savings he wasn't necessarily hiding it she just never really asked and anyway when she found out about it she got really upset at him and then they broke up not long afterwards he bought a house with the money that he had just saved the exact money his girlfriend broke up with him over

I strongly suggest to you that you do not make the same mistake unless you also want to miss out on a whole house

Also you've only lived together for like 6 months that is nowhere near enough time for a man to trust you with his financial well-being okay

Like you could literally go out there with his money and spend it all on some stupid f****** car and he'd just be f***** and I seriously doubt you would give him the same level of trust so until you both get married that is if you both get married his money is his money your money is your money do with your money as you wish he'll do with his money as he wishes cuz you didn't work to earn his money he worked to earn his money and you worked to earn yours and since I doubt you are a homemaker it's not like you don't have options to make money

DaveJord · Answer

Honestly I do not think men ever stop thinking of money in terms of hers and mine. As a man I find it very unattractive for a women to start dropping hints about money. In the same breath I am very generous with my money, but I spend it on doing things with her... I never give a women money directly. I pay for stuff we do together, and if she starts trying to advance a relationship for economic reasons I bail on her.

The truth is for men and women both, if you are the high income earner in a relationship that you only retain control over your assets and income outside of marriage. Once you get married to someone that makes less or has significantly lower earning power in a divorce you loss the protection of the law over your income and assets. For all those out there that think that's a cynical view then its because they earn lower incomes or they have not been through a divorce and still think marriage is all about unicorns and rainbows. Marriage is supposed to be about love, but in reality its the only contract one can make in which the other party does not have to meet the terms of the deal, and it ends in a business arrangement.

So if you're dating a guy that doesn't give you what you want or hoped for move on, but you probably won't because if can't maintain the same quality of life you currently have without him, and if you can then move on without complaint. The money deal is a "YOU" problem and "NOT A HIM" problem. But there are plenty of other saps in the world that would probably sign on to finically support you, once a women starts thinking she's entitled to more then you are giving... well its sign of a lack of appreciation because if she could do better then she should. So if your complaining about money you, better remind yourself that this guy could probably do better for himself than you can, because if he wises up he would move from you.

Jabberjaw · Answer

When he actually relies on her income to get by.

Like respectfully if I make way more than the girl and she has her own money and I pay for just about everything. Rent, dates, all the large bills. Even if she pays for a couple small bills when I could cover that too...

I'm not thinking "our" money, because I'm paying for the overwhelming lionshare anyways. But if I was making about the same as my girl and we need our 2 incomes to make our lifestyle together work. Then I'd think "our" money. Because realistic the "our" part matters at that point.

If I'm making enough money to cover everything and then I decide I want to spend some more money on something else without compromising our life.

I'm not going to consult my partner before making a purchase. I'm just going to do it because it's what I want. But if I were in a scenario to where any major expense I make potentially puts our situation at risk because of extra work involved to continue our lifestyle?

Then it makes sense for me to discuss an expense before doing it

Hulk30 · Answer

I understand the question but I don't think most men actually think like that I actually think most women think my money instead of our money and its because of the mental conditionin of systematic white supremacy through its supportive wife gender feminism that's what I actually think has lead to most women today bein as selfish as they are and I don't say that to shit on women I love em they're not flawed they're the way God designed em to be and in spite of all that I choose to give em all the things they need accordin to God biblically sayin they need love at all times and not to match any negative energy that they may give me at anytime be it some women either sayin some dumb shit thinkin they're bein profound some smart shit thinkin they're bein funny or some corny shit thinkin they're displayin some kinda swag either way I'll always take whatever they have to throw at me on the chin always respond and never react always counter any emotion that they display with logic and always give em kindness empathy compassion understandin and patience for God to reward me and deal with em in the end peace and blessins ladies

PinkMichae · Answer

I don't think most guys are ready until they decide to marry you. In my relationship we still have our own accounts but do share our money because at first I had more money. Then he made more money. So I think since I helped carry him in the beginning he learned to trust I wasn't in the relationship for his money. We do share despite separate accounts and not being married.

I think it's important to keep separate accounts even if married. It's always good for your independence that each of you have your own money.

TruthBringer · Answer

Imagine being entitled to money someone else has worked hard to earn and getting mad that the person goes along with a plan you've come up with yourself.

xHoneyxBeex · Answer

I think it would be extremely risky to combine accounts with someone you aren't married to. If you're living together then you should both be contributing to the living expenses equally but it's still his money since you aren't married. If you aren't happy with how much he is contributing, then you need to have an open and direct conversation (in other words, don't just drop "hints") about that and let him know you aren't satisfied with the current arrangement.

Subarugirl · Answer

Your boyfriend is right... that is for married couples. You have no need for access his money, it's his money. It's called growing up sweetie. If you don't want to support yourself move back in with your parents, he's your boyfriend not your caretaker.

Anonymous · Answer

Said it's for married couples? Why are you living with someone if you're not married?
How about sex is for married couples too? And doing his laundry etc?

Or move out and pay your own stuff until he decides to marry you or reduce your contributions for shared stuff gradually. Only buy your clothes and make up and other stuff only for you.
But don't say anything, just reduce your spendings for shared stuff. Let him suggest having shared money.
Reduce your spendings for shared stuff until they're zero.
It's a good thing that you don't have shared finances because your money are yours and his are for shared stuff.
Men don't value you paying for stuff and men who are in love certainly don't make "calculations" and "negotiations" about money with women they love.

Flower7 · Answer

It would have been better to just be honest about your desires for how costs are split.

It’s unfair to suggest 50/50 and then have expectations for him to decide to do something different than that.

This sends a lot of mixed signals and seems to require him to be a mind-reader.

MCheetah · Answer

Why the hell shouldn't be keep his own money? Unless you're handicapped, you can earn your own money. 'Strong and independent wahmen," right? Would you, or most women, be open to supporting a grown man and spending most of your money on him?

I think this is a troll post, anyway.

AviatorTom · Answer

That will happen when women stop thinking "MY" money and start thinking "OUR" money.

The best relationships I've been in is where the two of us pool OUR money for most things that we manage together, yet we each have a small amount of MY money, to do with as each of us wishes.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

I have a joint account with my g/f but I don't put everything in to it. I save way more than that. Out of which I bought her a BMW X5 for example.
Just because you are together, doesn't mean he can't have separate accounts. Women also like separate accounts too.

Lionman95 · Answer

I think the moment he feels you´re one. For the time being he might feel like attacked because he might feel like money is what makes you want him.
He needs the feeling that he can trust you and that you both plan the future together.
That may take time and is something that needs development.
He might need a year or more we don´t know.

Anonymous · Answer

Why should your boyfriend cover more than 50%?
You assume that because he earns more he should pay more?
If you were the higher earner would you be willing to pay more? And before you jump to say yes THINK ABOUT IT!!
For all you know he may be saving for a big ticket item.
As for a joint account that is just plain stupid, it would cause problems as/when you split up. Even married people should retain individual accounts with a single account to cover household expenses, Utilities, Insurance, repairs etc.

Guy13 · Answer

If you are a good “wife” and maid, with exceptional conjugal visit skills then he would give you his money clip.
If he senses money is really important to you, after you agreed to contract, then he either doesn’t care or watching to see if the real you finally appears.
—I know one thing, a man won’t marry a woman who can’t be honest on front end about something as major as this. Who knows what else you might not be straight about.

SimpleGuy95 · Answer

The moment it's clear you're going to marry and you'll become one. 6 months isn't long for a relationship.
The problem could be that feels that you're just more interested in his money and less in him. He needs more time at least a year to build such trust.

slatyb · Answer

"we should have combined incomes and put all our money into one account" No couple should do that. It leads to endless fights. Come up with a budget for joint expenses -- rent, groceries, utilities, entertainment, joint savings. Then decide how much each partner will contribute to that budget. The partner that earns more should contribute more, or possibly all. What's left over belongs to the individuals, to save or spend as they please.

Reaper1985 · Answer

because her body her choice - his money his choice. but aside from that sharing money is something people in a legally binding agreement do with each other. also 6 months is way to soon to share money, cohabitate or marry. many guys are learning it can all be a raw deal legally due to how courts work these days.

fonduegirl · Answer

I think you worded this out wrongly.

The question should be : why SO who earn more can't pay the bigger half in budget and expenditure?

That'd be fairer to both partners, considering you'd do the same if you made more money than him.

50/50 is very good idea. But depending on his income, yes he needs to pay bigger half. That's what partners do, they help each other. Halfsies seem fair, and if partner earns less, it'd be fair to assume they'd need a bit financial push.

Yucy_Gluttony · Answer

Never? Because it's his money. He worked for that money, he earned it, it is his? And the money that we worked for and earn is ours, not his.

Twalli · Answer

I agree that a single account for two people should be for a married couple. As for what he's spending vs what he makes, doesn't that just mean that he'll have more set aside for retirement or unexpected expenses, which will be important if you two get married.

JamesDiaz11 · Answer

I’m gonna assume you’re not joking… to the public, Look at the “equality” women really want. She even tried to Shame this guy by calling him “selfish” and that he should “grow up.” Literally cannot make this up.

ShakTreblat · Answer

The money your boyfriend earns will always be HIS money. Are you really that immature that you think he’s selfish for spending his own money how he chooses instead of letting you be a leach? I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

Paul09 · Answer

Oh boy. You are a catch.. who are you? Why are You more important than him? Why is how money yours? And your money is yours? You must of been daddies little princess, I can bet all my money on that. Do you want to be known as a good digger? Are you materialistic too? Please be humble and fair. You'll just end up pushing him away. 50\50 for the win.

lofii · Answer

You ain't even married, let alone divorced already trying to steal his income. Bruh you can't make this shit up.

Anonymous · Answer

Men used to start thinking that the second they started dating but when we discovered that women always have the “my money is my money, his money is our money” attitude, men have stopped letting it happen. Keeping money separate is the only way to stop women from using you for money.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

Fuck that, my money is my money and the money you make is yours. You need something, I'll give whatever I reasonably can for a given situation but we'd have to be dating for way longer than that for me to even consider it being "our money"

TheLoneTerran · Answer

Money made after we've moved in together and in a joint account. If she has an account with money from previously or set aside for hobbies and the like, as long as the bills are covered, it's her money. Reverse is true.

DermalPunch · Answer

Well I never think in terms of our money. His money is his and my money is mine. We can pool our money towards OUR goals but my bag ain't nobody's bag but my own.

HighValue · Answer

What if instead of combining money so you can use more of the money he earns, you just star working harder, or get better educated so you can earn more?

admles · Answer

You need to look at this from his perspective.

First, you're a girlfriend, not a wife. So you have no claim to his money.

Second, this is all advantage to you, and loss to him. You get more money for doing nothing, and he ends up with less money.

What possible reason is there for him to do this? Are you doing a greater share of the household chores? You need to be contributing more if you expect him to pay more, there are no free rides in this world.

peedy · Answer

The same can be said about a woman
Often times its the woman that says/feels/acts that the money she makes is "her" money, and the money he make is "our" money
Let's now all give a solute to "money" for being the number 1 reason for fights between men and women

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Its never "our" money. This is one of those modern relationship lies. Its "his" money and when you start contributing to "his" money then y'all will be on a team and it becomes "our" money. He already contributes more than 50% even if technically on the bills, since he has more he spends more or saves more that assuming will be spent on your mutual big purchases later.

Anonymous · Answer

Do you realize how bad you are making women look right now? I know not all women are like you but you're an example of the ones who validate the stereotype.

He's being very wise because he can see into your soul.

Valso · Answer

I'll tell you what my best friend told me bc he's married and I'm not - he'll start thinking "their" money when she finds ways to multiply his money, instead of always finding ways to spend it faster. 😆

Trend-Shatterer · Answer

When it comes to paying bills, I’ll sacrifice money 50/50 to makes things meet. But my money is still mine. I worked for it. If I wanna spend that extra 10 dollars before payday on a coffee, I will. It was never plural. I’ll still buy gifts using said money but I’m not gonna be with someone who expects all my money to suddenly just be “ours.”

MTC29 · Answer

It is MY money. I have a pension which is payable for life. My SO has spousal support which ends in two more years.  My money... her job, (if she finds one).

SnakeBoop · Answer

ermmmmmm. No. you are the one needing to grow up.

abc3643 · Answer

The real question you need to ask is: "When will my man realize that our money - his and mine - is really just my money (so he really doesn't have any say on how I spend it)?"

Кураж · Answer

Call yourself lucky that he is still talking about marriage. I would have dumped a woman the moment she would go about calling my money "our money".

douride2 · Answer

You have been living with him for 6 months. And you think it should be our money? Really?

Losalt · Answer

You two should pay a equal percentage of your total income for fixed expenses like housing. Variable income however should be individual in my view.

DonkeyDan · Answer

Why do you think you're entitled to more of our money when you're not married? You think just because he earns more that he should pay more it's 50/50 that's fair.

Kaneki05 · Answer

That's not how it works. His money is his money. He's not just gonna put it all in one account so you can take it. You are not entitled to it as you think.

LazerBean · Answer

When they're married. You are JUST a girlfriend and are in no way entitled to anything he owns.

humanearth · Answer

Never, I'll share my money, but it will never be our money. Even after being married for 30 year, its still my money. If she can have her money, then I will have my own money to

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Never. 50/50 on bills is permanent. If you want more money after bills, earn more money, stop being selfish and demanding someone else's hard earned paycheck.

Taylor_C · Answer

Whoa, why should he be paying your way? Get off your ass and get a better job.

Anonymous · Answer

It should always be 50/50. Makes no sense to demand money that you didn't earn yourself. The only way I see this is that you're either literally a prostitute or dating your dad

If you ever have a son and he founds out about this behavior he will never pay you back for supporting him and think it's okay to spend all his money on hookers instead

Anonymous · Answer

My advice: Pay for the whole. Pay his way and yours. I know it sounds odd. Try it. Or pay over 50% but enough that it is noticeable. It will fix your problem if you're patient. I know I sound ridiculous but try it.

VikingWarLord · Answer

Your first mistake was moving in together.  Don't combine incomes because relationships rarely last over a year anymore. Always have your contingency plan once the relationship fizzles out.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

I think you already asked this once on slightly different manner also you are the one who asked this guy won the lottery and doesn't share with you because you asked him not to gamble or something?

Shamalien · Answer

When you offer something of value for that exchange. If you are looking after his kids then it’s “our money” but if you both work and have no kids then wtf?

TallAnon · Answer

Oh the switch flips after exactly 431029 seconds..
Every dude is different, he is likely mirroring his dad's behaviour. You'll have to talk to him and bring it up if you want a change, it won't change out of nowhere.

Juxtapose · Answer

Maybe you should stop being a gold digger and make your own money.

Billlewis · Answer

It's not 'my money' and it's not 'our money', it's your money;)

Prettygurl12 · Answer

Until you're married it is absolutely HIS money. You are roommates in the eyes of the law.

When do men stop thinking "MY" money and start thinking "OUR" money?

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When do men stop thinking "MY" money and start thinking "OUR" money?

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