Boyfriend said I "complained about us not doing outdoorsy stuff." Is this a red flag?

[Anonymous]

We've been together for 6 months. We were on the phone and I told my boyfriend that my long distance childhood friend wanted to talk on the phone Saturday morning. I told him I may not be able to hangout that morning, but I can catch up with hin later. He said "That's fine." I said "We haven't done outdoor stuff in awhile." He said "So which do you want? Talk to your friend in the morning or do outdoor stuff? I don't get it. You're complaining about not doing outdoor stuff but you want to talk to your friend." I said "I wasn't complaining. I was just throwing it out there that I miss us doing outdoor stuff together." He got quiet. I felt really hurt because the term "complain" has such a negative context. That was the first time he ever called me a complainer. Is this a red flag?

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I don't know if it's a "red flag", but it's definitely a sign your boyfriend is jealous of your bestie you're hanging out with and also isn't really good at regulating his own emotions.

So something for him to work on.

That he got quiet is maybe a good sign? I don't know - my past two male partners were both emotionally stunted and would do the "quiet contemplating" for DAYS before they could actually process their emotions. And while, yes, young men need more time and practice at this, it hindered our relationship significantly. So it may also be a bad sign.

If he improves his mental game and handles his emotions better in future, and he heeds your feedback that you'd like to do more outdoor stuff, I'd say it was probably just a fit of jealousy and a poorly controlled tongue.

But if he gets more broody, red flags like crazy. Men who can't learn emotional regulation don't tend to get better with time, trust me. They only get worse and lie about it.

[Anonymous]

Seems like that’s him being purposely oblivious and trying to gaslight. Even as an outside party I understand that you Said you were having a phone call with your friend in the morning, then would like to hangout with him later and do something outdoors. He knows what you meant and just wanted an excuse to make that rude comment which he probably already had on his mind but waited for the right moment to say it.

[Anonymous]

You were complaining and being critical of how the two of you spend your time together right after you told him you have to speak to someone on the phone and can’t hang out.

😐

I’d be debating with myself if I should dump you right then and there on the spot.

You can act all hurt and wounded like you’ve been attacked by your boyfriend because of what he said, but he’s right. You’d rather talk on the phone than spend time with him (how much free time does he even have?) and saying you don’t do enough outdoors stuff together was just adding insult to injury. Tactless. Very tactless of you.

I feel for the guy. Who knows what else you make him endure.

[Anonymous]

It's not a red flag. You two had a misunderstanding, a disagreement about what you were thinking and it got a tad heated. Try actually talking it out with each other rather than looking for reasons why it won't work. Communicate your feelings and desires.

[spartan55]

Red 🚩 flag that you complain? Yes.

[Wise4myage]

Not necessarily.