Couples living together or married: how do you divide the household chores?

Question

I have spent several years as a bachelor, not living with anyone, and I long ago learned how to be self-sufficient. I can cook and bake very well. I keep a clean house; I know how to use a vacuum cleaner and I know how to operate a mop. I also know how to shop at a grocery store and keep a well-sticked pantry. I do my own laundry (except white dress shirts) and I can sew a button on a shirt.

When I am in a relationship, my partner is also employed so I am conscious of dividing the chores evenly at home. In my current relationship, by her choice, she does all of the cooking and clean up afterwards (about 5-7 meals per week) and I do everything else except her personal laundry. That seems like a fair division to me. With previous partners, we have rotated cooking and cleanup duties, and with one partner, we did all of the chores together (e. g., we would both cook part of each meal and both help with the cleanup.)

How do you divide the chores in your household? Do you think the division you have is fair to both of you?

Lliam · Accepted Answer

Over time, my wife and I have settled into our routines. They were different when we both worked full time and I worked longer hours than her. I retired three years ago but she still works four days a week and is also involved in a local "constitutional" organization so goes to meetings two or three times a week. So we've revised our tasks.

I don't really care to cook full meals, so I don't do it often. My wife cooks our evening dinners when she is home. She's a good cook.
I wash most of the pots, pans, utensils and dishes afterwards, but she sometimes does some of the clean up, too.
We both clean dishes and stack them in the dishwasher.

I run the dishwasher and put the dishes away when they are clean.

I wash, dry and put away laundry, inc towels. I don't wash her clothes because I don't want to accidentally damage something.

My wife feeds the cats in the morning. I feed them in the evenings.
She cares for their litter boxes.

I take out the trash.

I drive almost a mile down for the mail every day. I pay most of our monthly bills like mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc. I balance my checkbook, which we both have access to. My pension and social security get deposited automatically and my wife also deposits money.

She has a separate bank account for her business. It would be too complicated to combine her business income and expenses into our household account.
She has a money back Costco credit card that we both use for gas and groceries. She pays that off every month out of her income.

She is the kind of person who is always busy. She has been growing veggies from seeds and transplanting them to the garden. She does a lot of work in the garden. I help.

We have a guy come out once a week during the spring/summer to help with the garden and cut down the dry grass and weeds around our property.

We have a girl come out for three hours every two weeks or so to do housework. She cleans like a whirlwind - kitchen, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, organizing. She even takes our garbage to the dump when necessary since the dump is on her way home.

My wife and I care for each other and try to make each other's lives as easy as possible. If something needs to be done, one of us does it or we work on it together. There's never any shortage of work when you own a house and property.

Bluemax · Accepted Answer

Divided equally. The person who actually *likes* doing the chore gets dibs. I love cooking, so I usually cooked (and I was universally acknowledged as the better cook... including by my wife's own mother... which she would have regarded as a betrayal were it not for the fact my wife didn't really like cooking). My wife kinda liked doing dishes (and how *anyone* could like that I'll never understand). Otherwise it was whomever happened to be ready and able did the chore. Laundry was the responsibility of the individual. I did mine, she did hers (and would even rebuke me for attempting to help her). If someone forgot, the other would roll his/her eyes enough until it got done (and my wife was a *CHAMPION* eye roller... without peer on all continents).

midnightmoon05 · Accepted Answer

My first marriage… ex hubby did the cleaning and laundry because it’s therapeutic to him
and he is OCD. cooking? He wanted me to cook like all the restaurants we dined in… so we just dined and didn’t cook … and yeah… I was a stay at home mom.

My husband is a stay at home dad… so he does most of the chores… he likes… some I don’t want him to do so much so we have a cleaning crew and we hired people to mow the lawn. still he has plenty to do around the house and the garden… he cooks some weekdays … we do take out, I cook some on weekends and we eat out..
he does the laundry … but I want him to teach the kids to cook, clean and do laundry too… so it’s not all on him. He is doing better training the kids now … that itself is a must skill to have that many parents nowadays do not train their kids. As well as all tech stuff put away doing meal time. Etc…

Smoke-n-Growls · Accepted Answer

I'm still figuring this out.

I've just moved to a much larger house, so I need to rebuild my cleaning habits for the space. So far, so good.

I'd like to divide evenly, but with variations according to preferences.

For example, I love the outdoors, so leave the garden and outdoor chores to me. I'll take care of the cat, too. In exchange, I hate cleaning bathrooms, so I'd like to avoid if possible.

But that said, definitely switching to give variation. Nothing gets more irritating and quick to be left aside like cleaning I feel is boring. Some variety and switching up would be handy.

Apple1996 · Answer

I do all the chores since I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is gone most of the time. If he's home then he just gets the responsibility of watching the kids so I can clean without anyone crying at me.

MzAsh · Answer

We take turns on most chores. Sometimes we trade off on cooking and paying to eat out.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

In my relationships it just worked out. We generally had a traditional relationship with traditional gender roles, but nothing was set in concrete. I have never been in a relationship that was one-sided. As long as both people contribute and things get done, then it's fine.

We never planned anything. We never intentionally divided chores. For that matter we never even talked about what needed to be done. It just got done, or in some cases it didn't get done.

I have never been with anyone who was lazy. Nor have I been with anyone who was highly driven. I think a relationship with a lot of disparity in that regard will have a lot of tension. It's an important compatibility issue.

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

In my opinion I would say depends if the wife is a stay at home mom , It be good idea to make a chore schedule system. Thank you for being very helpful and for the advice you provide us. I will be deleting my account soon. The post I made the left got very offended. Again thank you for all the advice. Wish you the best luck Sir.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Historically it’s always been shared and you just do them.

i have however had a cleaner previously and recent hired a new one.

Also used to put things like shirts out to a woman that would wash n iron them, that greatly cut down on the laundry.

the cooking has always been a whoever fancies cooking or you pick say 3 meals for the week and do them, or if feeling like showing off new stuff it might be more than 3.

i could never live where just one person does specific house / living jobs.

It’s always shared even cleaning bathroom etc.

spartan55 · Answer

When me and my ex got engaged we had a discussion on this very topic. There were tasks that each us despised (me cleaning bathrooms), her (vacuuming/dusting) So the other took those. We split cooking and cleanup since we both worked full time. She did couponing and food shopping. I did ALL outside tasks: yard maintenance, landscaping, and all maintenance of our inground pool and hot tub. I also washed the vehicles, performed maintenance. An inground pool takes A LOT of work. In the summer months I would average 1-2 hours per day. Keeping that water clear is far more difficult than I ever imagined.

Anonymous · Answer

I know this doesn't answer your question, but just venting about this guy I used to know who worked for the same company that I worked for. He was from a culture where women were not supposed to work, and they were to stay at home and take care of all the household stuff and raise the kids, etc. However his wife worked full time as a nurse, AND she did all of the cooking, AND all of the housework, but he didn't complain about HER working. Even though he was of the belief that women should not be in the workforce. To top it off, he said that it is OK for the man to cheat on his wife, but it is not OK for the woman to cheat. I'm just venting here... LOL

Iron_Man · Answer

If I ever have a live-in girlfriend again this is what I want done since it’s my house since the mortgage is paid off and she’s living here rent free I want her to clean my house and cook and I really don’t want to get involved that much that’s my views on it but I’ll take care of the lawn cuttings. I can even do my own laundry and do other basic things around the house. Most likely she’ll probably be driving my car as well like my last girlfriend. So I think it’s fair but when grilling for holidays I can cook outside and she can make all the side dishes inside.

Anonymous · Answer

You don't divide the chores. you do 100% just as if you where a bachelor still.
50/50 is a horrible relationship wrecking concept. It cause the 2 to start nitpicking little things.
I am not married any longer, I live with 4 roommates. I go in the kitchen and clean it. No ask, no complain, I just do. Because I am grateful for the kitchen to use.
Gratitude, love, giving are always a winner. Two people who are givers cannot help but make it work because they are making it work 100%
I will clean up after you GLADLY. I will do everything I possibly can and dote on you gladly. What will this do? Partly make the other feel guilty and want to do more but that is not the purpose. It will create gratitude.
And of course doing chores together is an absolute win as well. Doing dishes side by side (that dishwasher can be a bummer but still prep it can be team effort) cooking together, laundry... make the bed... get the idea?

LazerBean · Answer

He works full time while I'm basically a stay at home wife. I take care of the house cleaning and cooking pretty much, but if I'm really struggling then he will help me. He also cooks on special occasions/date nights/ if I'm not feeling good. And he helps me cook pretty often anyway.

Emiliamazing · Answer

Gotta be honest, my husband does nearly all the cleaning and laundry with the exception of my clothes. We both like to cook, but it always seems like he is the one doing the cleanup regardless of who made the meal. Don’t think I’m lazy :-), in my defense I’m usually getting our children ready for the evening while he is doing the dishes and taking care of any other minute details.

sage2021 · Answer

Since I have become restricted from illness, I rely on him for everything now. Thank goodness he is well rounded and can do anything! And he always has a great attitude when helping me. In turn, he loves affection so I give him all he wants. It's a very special kind of relationship, but it works for both of us. 🌹

TransAm85 · Answer

I was never really a good cook, so the cooking has always been divided. Many times he does it and I help. The cleaning I take care of, basic housewife stuff like laundry, dishes, etc. My husband knows how to do a lot of home repair, landscaping, electrical.. anything really cept roofing is not his favorite. I help him when he needs it. It's fun to me, cept fiberglass! I helped do insulation in our garage.. that stuff is hazardous.

SaoirseS · Answer

We take care of household chores on an ad hoc basis, there’s no set division of labor. Our living quarters are upstairs in a funeral home, so I can take care of some things like laundry while working. He likes to grill, so he cooks the meat and I take care of sides, otherwise I cook but we both clean up. I fix breakfast and clean up afterwards. All told, it works out pretty even when it comes to household cleaning chores.

Prettygurl12 · Answer

My husband is the primary cook.
He folds the laundry.
He mows the grass.
I do 100% of everything else.

He keeps trying to teach me how to use the lawnmower we bought last week and I refuse to learn because I want him to actually be responsible for something and I know if I mow the yard once, he'll pawn that chore off on me, too 😂

t-8900 · Answer

She washes the clothes and mops the floors and we split dog walking
I do 95% of the cooking and I pack her lunches. If I'm up before her I'll make her breakfast sometimes and or I have the stuff to make something good I'll have dinner ready before she gets home

Jessica405 · Answer

We do whatever needs doing at the time. If the trash bin is full, it gets emptied by whoever it stuffing an empty fish finger box in the last space. Mostly, chores get shared by either of us, although things up high get done by my partner as he is 30cm taller than me.

snackthatsmilesback · Answer

We normally divide the chores. I cook, she and B do dishes; she does clothes, me and B do towels; B mows, her and me water the plants. Etc. Right now though things are kinda off kilter and I'm mowing and cooking and they're doing basically everything else.

Massageman · Answer

We share. I do most of the cooking, laundry, heavy yard work, "dishwasher" dishwashing, home repair/DIY, machine sewing.
She does usual housecleaning, light yard work, "sink" dishwashing of the delicate stuff that doesn't go in the dishwasher, hand darning, closet cleaning, putting out the garbage on the night before pick-up (she works late that day of the week, so it's just a convenience time wise).

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

My cousin and I take turns doing things, I did laundry today for her  giving her a break, she helped with supper for me.

Couples living together or married: how do you divide the household chores?

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