Would giving an ultimatum in this situation help?

[Anonymous]

I hate ultimatums, especially when it comes to my boyfriend. We have a great connection, get along well, share same dreams and goals etc. I have stuffed up a lot in the start of the relationship (such as not being open about my personal issues that was leading to problems in our relationships) and all those type of things. However, I have never cheated or done anything like that. We have moved forward a lot and make great progress. He was really happy with how things were going, made plans on foxing our communication and all those things. But recently I have been finding out things about him that I really don't like. For example, we promised to not use demeaning words to another even in arguments as it shows no respect to the other, but he still continues to do it when angry. When he was upset over something I opened up to him about with my mental issues, he was extremely rude (I have forgiven him and have moved past it, but worried he will always be like this). There are things I have told him I don't like in a relationship, and he continues to do it. The the ither day we planned to meet up. We have been doing really great recently, but something happened on my side that prevented us from meeting up. Ever since then, he has been ignoring me, been distant and lied about the time he was going to sleep (which is fine if he wanted to stayed up, but he could've just said he didn't feel like talking, and it wouldn't cause issues). I don't necessarily want to break up. He messaged me today after leaving me on read for 14 hours (he was online for so long as well), just to say he hoped I had a good day and. But now he is asleep (so I won't be upset with him for not replying). Breaking up is an option, but one I don't want to do. Should I give him an ultimatum to change? How should I go about this? I love him, but really upset with how he is acting.

[sonic_fever]

You just described my current relationship. I was the same with my girlfriend before we broke up. 4 years together and I was rude, selfish and a huge asshole to her. Sometimes I felt smothered and just annoyed by her that I also lied to her about going to sleep and ignored her texts and calls because i wanted to game instead. I was extremely hardheaded and never actually listened to her complaints. I would tune her out and just agree to changing just to fix the situation at that moment. Well she gave me the ultimatum. Multiple times. I never believed her because she never left. Years of complaining and she was still here so In my mind I knew she would never leave no matter what. Until she did. We broke up 3 times total and the first two times she always came back so I figured the 3rd time would be the same. It wasn’t. She was done with my shit. No matter how hard I tried she was done. That’s what it took for me to change. The guilt, the shame, the pain I felt when I lost the best thing in my life all because I got too comfortable. All because I neglected her. All because I chose my happiness over hers. I started going to therapy, anger management courses. Started hitting the gym again because I was a gym rat before I met her. Big reason she fell for me In the first place. I listened to podcast about improving and relationships. I became a better man overall. And when we both crossed paths again later that year she noticed it all. She fell in love with me again. This isn't a temporary thing for me either I want to continue to grow. But it took me potentially losing her forever for me to want to change. And I did this for myself. I had no idea we would get back together but we did. Sometimes guys don’t change after the breakup either and that can also show you what you meant to them. I don’t want to say for sure end it but in my instance that’s what it took for me to change for the better. Not just for her but for myself.

[Nawlins34]

Your best course of action is to break up with him.

Change because of an ultimatum rarely lasts. Very few men can learn from "almost" losing. Some actually have to lose.

If he's going to change for the long-term, It has to be because HE wants to. If he learns the lesson, he can apply to future relationship/marriage.

Now here's the irony in all of this - You can't take him back after he learns the lesson.

Why not? Because he has history with you. If you take him back, he'll only learn to change to get you back! He's had you before NOT doing the things that ultimately ends the relationship.

In a way, your presence erases the lesson learned and the need to retain it.

You have to approach this like he will always do this. If you can't live like that, then end the relationship.

Don't demote him to friend either, end all contact.
Be safe and good luck.

[NZGirl07]

I feel like his behaviour is definitely a warning sign. Being in love with someone can make you a bit blind, you want to find ways to fix it and stay with them to avoid the pain of being without them. But it's important to confront reality. No one should be demeaned by their partner or ignored. They are both toxic traits. Remember, if he doesn't want to change you cannot fix things. It takes two to make a relationship work. Give him an ultimatum if you like, and say he has to stop ignoring you being demeaning etc and if he does it again you should leave. But if he is already treating you this way it means he doesn't respect you, and you don't deserve that. Try the ultimatum if you like, but ultimately a break up would likely be best for you. It's hard to imagine ever being with someone else, but now I've found the most amazing loving guy who respects me, and I wouldn't have found that if I didn't leave my ex.

[Asker]

You are amazing. Thank you so much. I never imagined myself in this situation. I have always been independent, iffy about men, wouldn't give more than what they're giving me and would walk away at the smallest red flags. I have always known my worth. But I truly love this guy, and it hurts. I know he is capable of changing, because there are things he has gotten better at. His communication used to suck, an d he used to be closed off. But after telling him a few times, he got so much better. But now it seems to be that he is backtracking. I feel that giving him an ultimatum would set it in. I have always given him chance after chance, and I think he knows that. I think he knows I would be patient and stay. I hope that by giving him an ultimatum will set it in his head that I will not take this anymore, and that I am on a short string with him now. He has shown me so many red flags, but I can't push away the good that he has done. I (t really hurts being in this position. I love him so much. And there is so much I am giving up to be with him. He is giving up nothing. I wish he would appreciate me more. I hope he makes the changes when I tell him, but if he doesn't, it will hurt, but I'll have to walk away.

[LazerBean]

Giving ultimatums has always seemed pointless to me. People who fight for a boyfriend or girlfriend and give them ultimatums and try to change always end up less successful in their relationships than people who just keep searching until they find someone who is problematic. That's literally the whole point of dating.

[ChrisMike1919]

He won't change over night but if he really loves you, he should think about it long and hard.

[Asker]

I would never expect an overnight change. If he was able to take my feelings into consideration, I know we'll make the perfect team. But he has pushed me away. I believe giving him an ultimatum will help him see how close he is to losing me. I don't want to leave without letting him know what is happening. I would hate having to walk away, but I can't take this type of pain anymore. And it hurts to say this.

[ChrisMike1919]

Do what what you're feeling to then. Maybe he's gonna open the eyes wider. And think more about this.

[In_Trance]

Nope. It'll get you dumped