Overreacting to boyfriend going out at night?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 5 years (we live together) has been going out at night when I am asleep but doesn’t tell me. I’ve found out weeks later from one of his friends that they were out.

My boyfriend is usually already intoxicated when he walks down to the bar. He rarely remembers what happened. The friend has said that he has gone down when he was in his pajamas, gotten kicked out of the bar and tried to get into it with some guys in the past).

I am extremely hurt and angry and seriously questioning our relationship future because:
1) it feels like my boyfriend is sneaking out at night
2) He never told me he went out & learned from his friend
3) he doesn’t even know what he is doing when he is out because he is so drunk

We have had significant issues in the past and us working through things was an agreed “no lying about anything” policy.

Dear readers - your opinions please!

1) am I overreacting to lying, drinking & sneaking out? (In my opinion)

2) is not tell me that he went out in the middle of the night basically the same thing as lying?

Thank you lovely people!

[Screenwriter]

You've already had significant problems. What do you not understand about this latest acting out experience? He is blind drunk when he leaves your house #1. He doesn't remember what he is doing because he's so drunk, #2. There is nothing about "it FEELS like". He IS sneaking out at night drunk and to drink more. #3, he is engaging in dangerous behavior that eventually will involve the police (fighting) and his arrest.

He doesn't TELL you because he is drunk and is having blackouts. So, there IS nothing to tell you.

Either tell him to leave, or pack your bags and leave yourself. This relationship has hit a dead end and he will drag you down with him. I am sorry for you, but until this man is sober, and maybe for years afterward, he will not be a proper partner.

Find someone else after you've healed from this trauma. Your relationship has ended. I am very sorry.

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! I appreciate it

[Screenwriter]

I realize how hard this is for you. You've invested years with this person. I suppose you kept hoping things would turn around. See a therapist right away. You need heavy support through this transition. Ministers, priests and rabbis are also usually helpful and thoughtful people.

But as long as his addiction is driving the bus, you need to get out and be safe. Good luck.

[SecretsofKB]

You're boyfriend has a SERIOUS drinking problem.

You are NOT overreacting in the slightest. In my opinion, you are under-reacting. If my partner did this even once I would be so pissed and we would have a serious talk before they had a chance to do it another time.

This is just a bad situation and you need to talk to him or leave before something bad happens.

[Asker]

Agreed! We are going to talk later this evening…

[slatyb]

1) No, you aren't overreacting.
2) Yes, it's lying by omission.

Why are you still with a raging alcoholic? How do you imagine that is going to work?

[Asker]

This behavior has escalated in the last 6 months. Trying to get home to look at what is going on in his life that is creating this behavior.

[Gent207]

You are not overreacting
Your boyfriend is an alcoholic and needs help.
If he doesn't see the problem
LEAVE ASAP

[Asker]

Good advice

[Gent207]

But I bet you are not going to follow through because you believe there is hope for him and that he will change because of his love for you?

[Asker]

I am going to talk with him. I have zero delusions that he will change for me. He has to want to change for himself. Otherwise, only bitterness, resentment will happen before a nasty breakup. But I also believe that change doesn’t happen overnight and sometimes it can feel like 1 step forward and 2 back. Counseling is absolutely necessary for us to move forward (probably individually and together)

[Gent207]

Comment of the day^
Thank you for restoring some hope for humanity

[Asker]

We had a long talk and he seems genuinely invested in making things work. He has agreed to his own counseling as well as couples. A good 1st step - but only time will tell. Thanks again

[Gent207]

You're welcome
I hope it all works out feel free to message me updates

[Jessica405]

No, you are not over-reacting. You should think very carefully about your relationship. If he is that drunk, he could get up to anything! I do not think there is much future for you.

[Asker]

That is how I am feeling - but my emotions are pretty high right now. Thanks for the good advice

[Jessica405]

Always welcome. Take care. Stay safe!

[SaartjieJane]

As everyone else has said, you’re not overreacting and he’s a drunk/alcoholic

[SaartjieJane]

Also keep in mind that he can only change and get help if he wants it. If he doesn’t he’ll stay as he is

[Asker]

Yup - I totally agree. Thank you!

[Shamalien]

Well it’s not lying persay, but it’s a little suspect…

[Asker]

Right? Such a fine line….

[Bratsondanielle]

This is how guys are hun. Just let it be

[LimitedBenefits101]

You are overreacting, let guy have some fun

[Asker]

Oh he still has fun. I encourage him to reach out to friends, go grab some beers and get drunk safely (place to crash and NO driving). He does this at least 1-2x per week. My issue is the sneaking out, not being honest & doing god knows what because he can’t remember.