My boyfriend didn’t get me a birthday present, is it wrong for me to be upset?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and some change and it has been the best year of my life. He’s so sweet and caring and always tells me how much he loves me, however im having a little trouble. It was my birthday a few days ago and we made plans to spend it together. We decided on having dinner the day of my birthday and then in a few weeks we’re going to the zoo a few hours from here. The night before my birthday my boyfriend comes over after work and we spend the night watching movies. The next morning he wishes me a happy birthday and we go to my nail appointment where i mentioned my mom was paying and he said he was going to however my tech only takes cash so ultimately he didn’t. Afterwards we go to the store and he goes in to pick up my cake (that i asked him to buy) and then we go back before dinner because he didn’t get candles. We went out for dinner (he payed) and then went home. I know he wants to save for our trip to the zoo (however i’m paying for my ticket so in my opinion that isn’t a gift) but he was just at the mall less than two weeks ago buying new clothes. I’m not entirely sure how to feel or if i’m allowed to be upset about this but it just hurt my feelings i guess i would say. I wasn’t expecting anything big but even just flowers would’ve been nice. Am i overreacting or is this something i should be upset about? I’m not sure what i should do. I’m open to all opinions.

Updates

4 mo

First I want to say thank you for all of your advice and opinions, it’s been very helpful. This past weekend was our zoo trip and beforehand I decided to not mention anything to him and just see how the trip went and I’m very glad I did that. I wasn’t feeling well most of the weekend but we were still able to do almost everything we wanted to. We spent the day at the zoo, had dinner with my sister and BIL, cooked my favorite meal and watched the sunrise at the beach. 1/3

Updates

4 mo

It was one of my favorite trips we’ve been on and it was really nice to just spend time together. I was able to learn some insight when we (unrelatedly) talked a bit about our finances and realized he was just saving for my Christmas gift. He didn’t tell me what it is but with one of his questions Im about 98% certain I figured it out. It’s very expensive, I myself have been trying to save up for it to help with college, and it made me want to cry because he’s always been the most supportive 2/3

[JacobJordan]

I would say more concerning is that are keeping score on who pays for what. There is no faster way to destroy all good aspects of a relationship than by keeping score. Question would you have gone to the zoo if he wasn't in your life. Guessing not so despite you feeling the need to bring up you paying that is likely your gift. Secondly you are in a committed relationship why are you still using singular phrasing. When 2 people are in a healthy relationship they use words like our, us, we. As in our money. We are going to the zoo. Things that involve us spending time together. But you are using a mix of both which suggests that you may not be all in. As for is it wrong to be upset? No. Should you be upset? No. I would also heavily advise you to stop keeping score and take a moment to look inside yourself if you really ready for a committed relationship. If you are you need to go all in and stop looking at your money as your money and his money as his money and realize that both of you have money that is for both you. If he needs help you help. If you need help he helps. If you both are going to the zoo 1 can pay or both can pay but either way it is still a combined effort. When my wife and I met I paid for the first date she paid for the next 3 and then she needed help for rent. I gave her $2k. Every step of our relationship any money that changed hands didn't come with a "I'm going to remember this for when I need to be upset" we just helped each other and that action brought us closer and closer. Now we have multiple houses and 3 kids.

[Asker]

Hi! I wanted to mention i wasn’t putting the “he payed, i payed “ in there to “ keep track “ I was just doing it for context incase someone asked, we genuinely don’t keep score irl. As for my use of singular phrasing, it honestly wasn’t intentional. I don’t mean to make it seem as if im not all on because that couldnt be further from the truth. I understand your view point and i probably should’ve added that we’re both (VERY) young adults that live at home. In your eyes it might not make a difference but to me you combine your finances when you live together and i’m not saying either of us have a problem helping the other out, which we have numerous times, and we’ve certainly never held it over anyone’s heads. If it was a regular date i wouldn’t have batted an eye at paying but if he’s counting it as my birthday present then no i don’t believe i should be paying. I appreciate your input and mentioning me using “ he and my “ because i’ve genuinely never noticed but i will work on that.

[JacobJordan]

I pointed it out because according to psychologists the use of "singular" phrasing is an unconscious action that happens when 2 people begin taking different paths. though it also happens for many other reason such as people who still have not reached the stage of relationship where they see each other as an us. and definitely shared financing as far as bank accounts should be when you are living together and to be honest given current society should be at marriage. prior to that though if you 2 are in a committed relationship definitely still a "we help each other" glad to hear that your use of the markers was for clarification of potential questions and not score keeping. if all of what you said is true then you should talk to him. maybe he was under the impression he had given you a gift in which case you have a misunderstanding. which can be resolved one way or the other

[Kaneki05]

Maybe he'll buy you some nice things at the Zoo though. It don't sound like he did it on purpose or because he don't care. So I don't know odd situation I guess.
And he wasn't been stingy with money he paid for the meal and would of paid for the nails, perhaps he would of bought something if I had saw it but just didn't. And he got you a cake etc.

Also I don't know what his money situation is like cause that does sound like he spent well a decent amount. But of course if he has much to spare then yeah could of got something for a present.

Personally my views on presents is very different so don't think my opinion really matters on this next part but I don't go by birthday or Christmas really. I prefer to get stuff when I see it, so if I see something I know she would like I like to surprise her get her off guard with that nice thing. And always I am smart with money so no doubt I will get it on a deal or something.
And I hope the same back. I don't like things be obligated I prefer it been more thoughtful and been like "Oh this a great price for that and I know she likes that so I will get it."
Perhaps I would save some items away for the birthday but I don't think the date is actually that important if the person knows you get them gifts when possible.

I do think a cake or something is always needed though, and spending that time together though that wouldn't be much different to other days because who don't like spending time with their partner.

[Asker]

I know it’s 100% not because he doesn’t care. I’ve been holding off on talking to him for your logic as well, that he might get me something at the zoo ( which i know if i asked he would ). He isn’t the type to get random presents or flowers and it was a pretty big birthday for me ( one of your milestones in my opinion ) I just wanted him to show he put thought into it beyond what i told him i wanted to do.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, that's tough. I can understand why you'd be a bit upset about not getting anything for your bday from your boyfriend. A year together is a long time, and even just a little gift or card is nice to show you were thinking of them.

That said, it doesn't sound like he was being inconsiderate on purpose. He helped plan your day, paid for dinner, and seemed to want to do things with you. Maybe he was being a bit dense that a present too woulda been nice, but guys can be a bit clueless sometimes.

I'd say talk to him about how you were feeling a bit let down, but do it calmly so he doesn't think you're mad at him. Reassure him you know he cares about you, you just wanted to express what would make you feel special on your day next time. If he's normally very thoughtful, this was prob just a mistake.

As long as he listens and makes an effort to do better for the next occasion, I wouldn't stay upset. Relationships are about communicating when little things go wrong so you both keep each other happy. Just be understanding too, since it seems like he tried in other ways. Hope this helps! Let me know if you need any other advice.

[Asker]

Thank you for this and it was very helpful! Honestly i was a bit surprised when he didn’t get me anything besides the cake. I know it wasn’t really on purpose or with bad intention, i think it comes down to a little lack of thought? You’re right, my boyfriend can be a bit dense sometimes when it comes to things like this, and i’m genuinely not trying to be mean or anything i just don’t know how else say it. This is the first serious relationship either of us has been in so i know we both have a lot to learn and we’re working on it. Thank you for your advice on how to approach a conversation with him, i haven’t done it yet because i was worried about hurting his feelings and putting a damper on our Thanksgiving plans. I can come off a bit aggressive (and yes i know that’s bad and im working hard on it) and he’s on the sensitive side so i’ve been trying to gather my thoughts before i say anything. And yes he tried in other ways! I don’t want to take away from that because we did exactly what I wanted for my birthday which was for us to spend time together and go to dinner. I think i just wanted him to take more initiative and get or make me a little something to show he put thought into it ( he’s an amazing artist and i’ve asked him for drawings and a poster as presents before ).

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes us guys can be a bit clueless when it comes to that romantic gift-giving stuff. And I know what you mean about not wanting to come off too aggressive - the last thing you want is a big fight when you should be enjoying your time together.

A few tips for talking to him - be sure to use "I feel" statements instead of accusing him directly. Like "I felt a little hurt that I didn't get a present on my birthday" rather than "You forgot my birthday!" Also thank him for the things he did do right, so he knows you're not just complaining.

And maybe have some ideas ready for how he could make it up to you, like doing a little something special this weekend or getting you a belated gift. That way he has a sense of how to make you happy without feeling attacked.

I'm sure if you approach it calmly he'll understand. It's cool that you guys are willing to work on communication - that's important for any relationship. Just be patient with each other as you both learn. Hope things go well, man! Let me know how it goes.

[kumo202]

Last part of update: and helpful person when it comes to me furthering my education or anything really. I feel bad for my initial reaction because I know he really is trying his best and i couldn’t ask for anything more. Again thank you for all of your opinions and words of wisdom, I’ve always been quick to react to something, sometimes before i fully think things through and this situation has taught me to take a step back and really take a minute to see the other side, his side, before anything. Thank you and I love my boyfriend <3. 3/3

[SotiCoto]

If you're going to be expecting something, at least it be something completely arranged beforehand. If there is no prior agreement, then expecting him to act like there was is unreasonable.

[Asker]

For me it’s a given to get your significant other something for their birthday and special occasions like valentine’s day, Christmas, your anniversary, etc. Which is what we’ve done in our relationship so i would count that as a prior agreement.

[Anonymous]

Yes, unless he forgot than he's a cheap bastard.