I love my boyfriend but ex is on my mind?

[Anonymous]

I know this sounds horrible but I really need some advice.

My sort of ex (we were never official) has been on my mind a lot recently. He pops into my mind occasionally but the thoughts go away pretty quick, but I actually saw and spoke to him recently as he was in the same place I was.

We spoke for about a year like 4/5 years ago and he never wanted to commit…it was confusing because he was getting with other people while speaking to me but he was really nice to me and some things made it seem like he genuinely liked me but obviously his actions didn’t show it and he wanted to focus on work and stuff.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I absolutely love him. He’s so kind to me, we get on great, I’m attracted to him and we moved in together recently. I feel horribly guilt because I have been thinking about this other guy so much.

Why am I thinking about him? I don’t want to. I really liked him at the time and wanted to go further, and we just kind of drifted apart so I feel like there’s a lot of unanswered questions.

I would never ever cheat by the way and do love my boyfriend, I just want to get this other guy out my head but at the same time I really want to speak to him. The other night was the first time I’ve spoken to him in years, he’s been single ever since, and my friend said he kept looking at me (before we spoke later in the night). Help please how do I sort this out

Updates

1 y

Update: A lot of people in the comments seem to think I’m obsessed with the other guy or want him back, or want the best of both worlds etc. This is not the case at all. Tbh I have already stopped thinking about the other guy, I think it was just because we saw each other recently so he was fresh in my mind and as some commenters mentioned it was the lack of closure. I never would leave my boyfriend for him or get back with him, if I spoke to him my boyfriend would know. I love my boyfriend 100%

[Shøshin]

Been here done this-
i was talking to this girl i liked a lot and things between me and her went just fine for the first 3 months we we’re dating, then i moved like 3 county’s over and it just absolutely destroyed everything. Long story short i moved back to her area and tried this bullshit game again; to my surprise it didn't fuckin work. Me and her went back n forth talking off and on for 3 years and every single time i let myself get played, she’d essentially do the same thing with “not being available” but also talking to other people but yet also showing me low levels of affection: keeping me at arms length. I’ve completely cut her off now but she still pops up in my head frequently even while im in other relationships. I dont want her anymore romantically but yet she still resonates in my mind- i think the only way i can explain it is i miss the way things were when we first started talking not her as a whole. At the time of meeting her i was doing great and my life was exciting all the same. Following the end of our relationship (the first time we dated) my life began a steady downhill spiral and i guess she just reminds me of everything i used to have and that nostalgia is what i want back. Not her, its no where near as intense as what it used to be: that urning for it. My way of dealing with it is focusing on what i have now and i love who/what i have now.

[Miche84]

I am in the same position. My ex of 7 years, I literally think of the guy every single day.. we dated 6 month s.. kinda like a summer fling, we had a blast and strong feelings, we both fell hard for each other, had a lot in common, however it was long distance.. by 1.5 hrs.. not bad , I was the one to go to him at least once a week and stay the night sometimes 2/3 times a wk I’d go.. he didn’t come to see me much which I was fine cuz his work schedule didn’t allow him to like mine did.. Not sure y he broke up w/me, he just did one day, assuming long distance was the reason why. n that was that, seen him 2/3 years later, he wanted my # n he texted me n wanted to hang out, he actually got mad that I wldnt (I had a boyfriend at the time).. n than he gave up.. n than he randomly added me on fb a year ago n than deleted me 6 days later.. no clue what that was about.. I still cannot get him off my mind.. I’m with a guy but not really with him he says we’re broken up so I went in here asking the same question and if I should contact this summer fling ex n majority said no cuz I was in a broken relationship n to wait till I’m single. N I am now.. soo I’m half tempted to now. But I’d say yes, if u feel u need that closure/answer from him I’d say do it (I’m trying to build up the courage myself lol) or it’s just going to eat at you.. it’s bn 7 years for me n it’s worse now than before! Just be sure it’s what you want before making any solid moves. Goodluck!

[D_Bone_Steak]

By the definition of "alpha widowed," would you say that at least partly applies to you and the asker?

[Miche84]

@D_Bone_Steak No, I would not say that applies to me. As for the OP, that I can’t say. I’m not fixated on or obsessed w/my ex, I would just like to let him know how I feel and leave the back in his court.. n if it’s nothing then soo be it. I do think that Is the same for OP, from the message, it’s seems they feel very similar. So, no I don’t not think that applies to either of us.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Thank you for the feedback... This is a subject I want to do a lot of thinking on. Personal experience-wise, I got cucked, he played her, and she came crawling back... I obviously didn't want shit to do with her after that. It's something I'm just trying to wrap my brain around... like wtf was going on there. That rule of thumb MGTOW philosophy of "alpha widowed" sort of makes sense to me, but this 'just wanting a sort of closure' thing that I'm reading in the female comments... confuses me... I might just not understand at all because I'm a dude, and that risk of effing up a current relationship for an ex when it's obvious the dude has no interest beyond some sex... I just get confused further on the subject.

I mean I broke up with ex's and they were a dead issue pretty quick. Especially if I broke up with her ass for some bullshit she was doing that was dead wrong. Like those women became an ex for a reason... and I just put it behind me. No deep desire for "closure" or whatever if you get what I'm trying to say. ... I mean I hear that shit and what I really hear is "just one last chance to fuck" if that makes sense.

[DermalPunch]

I understand what you are going through. I know fornsure I don't want to be with my ex and I have moved on.

I don't know why I get this FOMO. Also, I feel guilty because I know he would love for us to get back together but it would be great for him and terible for me.

Still, I get this wistful nostalgia. If you know you are happy don't put too much stock into these thoughts.

Once youbhave slept with someone and had an emotional cinnection there is always a tie unless you completely have zero contact or information about them.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I believe the term for this is called "alpha widowed" and I feel sorry for the current boyfriend.

Here is a quick google search: An alpha widow is a term used to describe a woman who holds attachment and is still fixated on the man who had the most impact in her life. This is when a woman can't get over a man with a high sexual value, who no longer wishes to have a relationship with her.

I mean people may not like these MGTOW guys but they sure get a lot right about female behavior... which is plainly observable just as long as you're not the target being lulled into a relationshit. Look, I'm sure you've been told he been single ever since, but you know he's fucking right? You're going to have to choose the relationship route or chase that 1 night of getting pump and dumped. Make up your mind, relationship or be one of the many girls for a fantasy that won't last longer than when the next girl comes into circulation. Get real with yourself.

[loveslongnails]

Helpful, but I disagree that she's gone that far down the rabbit hole. It sounds to me like she's lost in fantasyland sometimes and it's a distraction, but I'm not convinced it's a fixation because this is a "recent" development. If it doesn't go away and stay away in say, 1- 2 months, then I think she's got an issue.

[D_Bone_Steak]

@loveslongnails I honestly think the actual truth is somewhere in between our opinions... My opinion isn't really my opinion, it's just a MGTOW rule of thumb. I also somewhat agree with your opinion. I'm looking at this though...

The guy wasn't much of anything to her, drops out of the picture, new guy constructs a relationship with her, and all it takes is to cross paths and she's thinking about the prior guy more than I think about eating. So maybe she'll hold out this time, but let's say 5 years down the road the guy pops up again. It could go either way, she either kills the damn fantasy of getting with this guy or it's always is going to be there. That could hold ramifications for her relationship even if the cheating stuff never happens... Stuff like constantly comparing the relationship guy to the alpha guy.

With all that said you can see why I agree with your opinion as well as with my red pill opinion. She either kills that fantasyland stuff, or it's going to shit on her relationship with the current guy one way or another.

[loveslongnails]

Sure, it remains to be seen what happens in the immediate future, but the argument that it passes this time but "what about 5 years from now" is too speculative, and amounts to saying "once a thief, always a thief".

But also, I don't think "humans", for the most part, are ever that thorough! They often wonder about things that don't really make sense, but engage in day-dreamy like fantasies. We don't wake up each day and remind ourselves to be thankful for everything we DO have, we just take it for granted. I thinks there's some of that going on too, simply because it's basic human behavior especially for the "haves" in our world. Hopefully she'll repost in a month and keep our inquiring minds updated. LOL

[D_Bone_Steak]

@loveslongnails We can only hope she keeps us informed. 1-2 months and it's up to her how it would play out. Maybe it's just the morning soap opera chick inside of me that wants to see how it plays out. The poor dude that's linked up with her... has no idea everything is hanging in peril... I'd bet money on it.

[loveslongnails]

It's always like that, but I don't share the view with you that's all on the precipice. I'm optimistic that she'll snap out of it and realize it's a daydream, or a phase. We'll see.

[D_Bone_Steak]

@loveslongnails For sure... it's one of those cases where I hope you're more right than I. My long life and the examples that fill it though does make me feel it's on the precipice... I just hope you're more correct than I in this case. *sigh* Rule of thumb though, we know how this is going to most likely play out. Exceptions don't make the rule. I mean I hope she reads our bantering and just makes a correct decision.

[Asker]

@D_Bone_Steak @loveslongnails Yeah, alpha widowed is not the case at all and to me is an extremely cringey term to use. I’ve already pretty much stopped thinking about him completely, I’ve updated the post but I think it was just as we’d seen each other recently and so it was fresh in my mind and I was lacking closure. If I had spoken to this other guy, I would’ve communicated with my boyfriend about it, and it would not be because I want to get back with him at all. But I don’t feel the need to communicate with him.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Whew, awesome. I'm taking note that the AW'd term is cringe, but I am a little confused by this "need for closure" concept still tbh. I mean it's an ex, what could you possibly still need from him?

I might understand though... I ran into an ex when I went back to Japan, she didn't recognize me and I didn't say a word to her, but I got to see she was just doing the same stuff that she was doing before I left Japan the first time and it was kind of like, (talking to myself here) "Yup, you're not missing out on anything with that buddy!" lolz.

[Asker]

@D_Bone_Steak I think it’s natural that if someone was once a relatively big part of your life you would think about them every once in a while, especially if things just drifted off rather than an official ending. That’s what happened, there was no official ‘we’re done’ we just ended up drifting apart so it does leave you with a lot of unanswered questions that sometimes people might think about and want to explore! I hope that makes sense!

[Pinay_ako]

You obviously are not over your ex. But if you truly love and respect your current boyfriend, you will cut off all contact with your ex. He’s an ex for a reason… It is unfair for your current boyfriend to be in the dark just because an old love 💕 is back in your life at his convenience. Probably will leave again once he proved you still want him. Don’t let him break you and your boyfriend’s relationship. It’s up to you. Good luck

[sixofspades]

Grrrrrrrl don't let your past destroy your future. Period.

You obviously have some thinking to do, some letting go to do, but leave the past in the past, that guy from the past sounds like a total fuck boy; don't build him into something that he never was - you're creating your image of a perfect boyfriend with his face on it, stop yourself, he was never what you're building him up to be, focus on who you're with now.

simply replace the face on your expectations.

We in this generation may always find ourselves looking to the past for something new yet familiar when our minds become bored with what's in front of us. Remind yourself that the past is the past and you won't let it take your future.

You got this grrl, nothings wrong with you, just take a breath 😉 👌 ❤️

[Xoxocutekitty]

Closure is something you give yourself.

He's on your mind because you choose to believe the excuses he gave you 'focusing on career, work, etc" instead of standing firm in your own value that if he was worth your time, he would still be around.

Sure he has a few qualities you liked, but you should never sacrifice your worth for someone who couldn't see it and be there for you. Tons of men grow their career BECAUSE they are supported by a relationship, not because they 'can't focus.'

So when you ask yourself those 'what if questions', try asking yourself:

"what if... this person treated me as a priority? ... Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't/didn't?"

[Staximus]

So you want to trade a guy who is committed to you for a guy who didn't value you? Ruin your relationship with the good guy? Get with the fuck boy and be used for sex and left behind again? Then hate yourself for your stupidity for years and want the good guy back? How about you just don't do any of that, tell the guy to get lost, and don't talk to him again unless you break up with your boyfriend. Don't be a fucking skeezer and talk to guys behind your boyfriend's back. Be good to people that are good to you.

[Staximus]

Or just tell your boyfriend "look, I don't want a good guy. I want a piece of shit guy who will not be there for me, so I can find myself alone at the worst times. I'm leaving you."

[Asker]

When did I say i want the other guy back and want to dump my boyfriend? I love my boyfriend, I don’t love the other guy. I was just saying he keeps popping into my head and I feel like I’m lacking closure. If I spoke to him, it would not be behind my boyfriends back

[Staximus]

You don't need any closure from a guy you were not in a serious relationship with. You need to leave him in the past where he belongs.

[Staximus]

You don't need to talk to him.

[loveslongnails]

You think about him because he didn't want you. He's not really the "one that got away" because he never wanted to stay. Still, you liked him and didn't reciprocate, so your ego keeps asking "Why not? Why didn't like me enough to pursue me? WHY didn't he come find me if he stayed single?"

One part of your brain loves where you are and who you're with. Another part, the ego part, wants to know why? Maybe some part of you WANTS him to come back and make a play for you, so you can turn HIM away this time.

I doubt you actually want him back. My bet is it's something like I described above.

[Asker]

I don’t want him back, so I think you’re right with this tbh

[loveslongnails]

Good. Most of the time, things like you described come and go with the wind. If they don't, you'll know it and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Your mind is launching off to fantasies about “what could of been” with your ex. Like the grass could of been greener on the other side.

As with your current boyfriend you now exactly what you got. He’s available. There is no mystery or fantasy.

It’s seductive to day dream but it is just a day dream. Your ex could If turned out to be absolutely horrible.

If it makes you feel any better I have a similar problem with a long ago ex. I confess I’ve been quietly checking up on her on social media over the years. What she had become now would of completely disgusted me if she was like that when we first met. She’s got fake tits, visible tattoos (she got this after 30), has taken up smoking (after 30!) and hangs out with far left radical “activist” types.

I hate all of that shit. But it also makes me think how things could of went from bad to worse if we kept dating.

[Asker]

That’s very true, I think it was just because it was left unresolved/we just kind of drifted apart so I’ve been wondering what he really thought and what could’ve been. But I’m very happy with my boyfriend, I love him and I don’t love my ex.

[Opinion Owner]

Well my issue is how my ex ended things. But there is nothing I could do done about it.

[Anonymous]

Love isn't enough sometimes. Something is missing for you in your relationship with your boyfriend or you wouldn't be thinking about this other guy so much. He can be a wonderful guy, but there's something missing, what is it? Figure that out, and you might find your boyfriend isn't the right guy for you maybe? And if that's the case, the sooner you end it the better (think of him, not yourself, he deserves someone that's into him completely 100%). It also might help you to reverse this, how would you feel if it was him thinking about another woman?

[driven159]

If you have a boyfriend, you say you love him, and your ex is sort of ex not that doesn't work he is an EX if that doesn't work for you then break up with your sort of boyfriend because if you have a sort of ex then you have a sort of boyfriend that you sort of love so you want your cake and eat it too here how things will go down your sort of boyfriend will dump you because he doesn't want to be a sort of relationship because you sort of want it both ways so make it easy on both of you and break up and stop wasting his time so he can find a woman that is 100% into him not sort of

[nitsuj86]

Delete and block his number, on all socials as well.

If you contact this man, you deserve everything that will happen as a result. One man has proven himself, the other hasn’t. If you love your boyfriend stop it here and now.

if you try and talk to this man, with the thoughts you have in mind. Well I would consider that as close to actual cheating you can get without fucking him.

[MisterDub]

Then you aren't truly "available" for a relationship, since your "ex" still matters. This is a gender-neutral answer by the way. Hopefully standards for "fellas" and "fillys" , boyfriends and girlfriends, fiances and fiancees, and husbands and wives. Gender and level of intimacy matters not.

[Anonymous]

Means you liked being treated like pointless a piece of meat desperately hanging around for the first guy's attention & your current boyfriend is too good for you.

You admit that this douchebag was talking to others, seeing/having sex with others, that you weren't involved, etc. So basically a rubbish relationship with a rubbish guy.

[Asker]

We were never in a committed relationship but he was actually a really nice guy and we have a lot in common. I love my boyfriend and I don’t love this other guy, I think it was just left very unresolved and there are questions I never got answers to

[countrygirl8754]

U miss him . and. U have memories of everything.. and u wish everything could be the same again.. Who knows how do u know ur with the right guy right now? I mean ur ex could easily be the one for u and u least know it. But if he is not the one then.. block him.

[Gent207]

If I had a nickle for everytime I thought about my ex while with someone else I'd have the National Debt as a deposit.
As long as nothing comes of it you're fine

[MysteriousDarkness]

There is no sorta ex. You are either:
1. With the person.
2. You are exes
3. Never were together to begin with.
Hever never was your boyfriend so he is not an ex. Maybe someone who was a friend but nothing more. You need closure. You need to tell him you have a boyfriend that you recently moved in with who you love and care about and anything else you want to say. Let him say what he wants to say then wish him well and go your separate ways.

[Crankor]

Could be that those thoughts are a mix of your unsatisfied feelings forwards or against him. Doesn't mean you're gonna one day chase back after him, but residual feeling I don't feel ever really completely go away. You just have different ways of suppressing or ignoring them.

[peedy]

As long as he is only on your mind you have nothing to worry about you've done nothing wrong now take your ex to that dark pit of nothingness in your mind throw him back in lock the door and return to the real world and remember why he is your ex and why you have a new boyfriend

[aialex]

He's not an ex if you two never been in relationship. It's just you overthinking an unrequited crush, hun

[HighValue]

If you continue talking to the other guy you will either end up cheating or end up ending your current relationship. By continuing to have contact with an ex you are being disloyal to your boyfriend.

[Fuentes]

You have to pick one either you want your ex and your boyfriend is a rebound the whole time. Or you stay with your boyfriend and stop digging deep into old habits in the past.

[H8INCHES]

I wonder if your current boyfriend is fulfilling all you desires. Maybe that's the reason this other guy is on your mind.
Another possibility is when we are at the wrong end of a breakup, we wonder why. We can get obsessed about the why, or we can let it go. The other person is the one not ready or willing to commit to you. The reasons are not on you.

Forget about this guy and move on with the person that deserves your attention.