My partner says his home life is like a war zone and I am his escape so he doesn't want to let me into his life. Is this reasonable?

[DermalPunch]

I've been miffed because he's been on the take lately and very low on the give. I don't doubt the love and he agrees it's been one-sided lately. Do we need communication or separation?

[NathanDavis]

one thing here is very clear... you are not his priority

and he doesn't trust you as a partner, so he does not want your support

he is just using you as an outlet...

[DermalPunch]

The issue here is that he compartmentalizes and withdraws to think and execute plans. Ironically, he also wants to work with the army. He has a survivalist mentality and just sees things in putting out little fires everywhere. I'm from the West where men are much more feminized while here men have a much more masculine thought process. I. e. emotions are very separate from their thought process and it's very problem-solution-action.

I have to literally say I want "x" now do it please and thank you. And keep saying it until it becomes routine. And I guess that irks me. The clash is that he feels it's cool because he will always respond but I want him to initiate... always (I know unreasonable) but my deal is if you are the busier one show me.

He had a very full plate when he met me. We weren't supposed to be a thing. Now we are. It's tricky.

He spent the whole weekend with me last week so I guess I am overlooking things. And his family will call about stupid stuff. His aunt will video call him to tell him that he will be at his mother's in 10 minutes. Then he will call his mom to tell her. 🙄.

This is sooooo common here. Part of the clash is that I'm from a nuclear society and now I am in a communal semi-tribal society. I don't have a clan mentality.

So what happens in the clan stays in the clan. Now it isn't that I know nothing, it's just always after most of the time. To his credit, when I complain he listens but then he will do his retreat and re-emerge thing. He has always been this way from the time I knew him. My ex was too. I just attract these introverted types.

Lately, he just on the phone messaging while we're together which he does with his family too so I guess maybe I'm not so out of the loop 😆. If they want to tolerate that fine. I won't.

So the outlet thing yes but it's not so terrible because I don't want to be wrapped up in thay drama. My issue is that I have my needs and you can't get yours if I'm not getting mine also.

[NathanDavis]

so, he is living two completely different lives...

his life with the clan, his life with you...

and he's not mixing both, probably because they might be against it because of tradition, and also because well, you would not want a life like that, you're supposed to marry a man that will be there for you, and not a "clan" that will be all over you and won't leave you alone

so I guess at this point, there's no easy way out to him, he either breaks with you and remains in the clan doing all the traditional stull they expect him to do or he breaks with the clan to live a life, with you as his, actual family and wife or girlfriend...

but he can't do that now, and he can't have both... and something tells me that he just wants to prolong all this as much as he can, so he can continue to live two lives and he is expecting you to make the sacrifice and put up with it

a man, that sees you as his priority, will do anything in his power to make that very clear with actions rather than words, he's not doing this, he is juggling with you and doing enough to keep you around

and right now, he's not taking any action to make things better for you, or for the two of you... right now it seems like all he does is, in order to keep things exactly as they are, to live two separate lives and do not mix them too much because it works for him, regardless of what is doing to you

to me, that's not a good deal... unless, you're willing to accept this and you want to keep up with this, which is to have just half of his time, and half of his dedication

for many people half a relationship is enough... for others is not enough, it's up to you

[DermalPunch]

Yes, thisnis really an excellent t summary of the situation. I called him out for his selfishness. In the end, it's him who will be the loser. I don't want to be one too.

[NathanDavis]

glad you know your worth...

[FilmGuy93]

So... I have a lot of questions right now... namely, what's the context of this relationship?

[DermalPunch]

We are in a romantic relationship and want to get married.

[FilmGuy93]

and when he says "homelife," is there another woman he's involved with?

[DermalPunch]

No not at all. I'm his woman. He's young. Mother, sisters, brothers, etc.

[DermalPunch]

He says he doesn't want to tell me about his homelife because there are so many issues and he just wants to forget them when he's with me.

[FilmGuy93]

Gotcha… I think all you can do is be a source of peace and let him share things with you as he is ready

[LazerBean]

That does not even make sense. If his "home life" isn't with you then he isn't even a "partner". And if he isn't a "partner" then I would move on. A grown ass, middle aged man should have his crap sorted out by now.

[DermalPunch]

He isn't middle-aged. We have an age gap him being much younger.

[DermalPunch]

Also, I won't move in with someone who isn't my spouse. He is more than a boyfriend.

[LazerBean]

There is boyfriend, fiance, and spouse. A partner implies a live in boyfriend. Regardless, a person who is incapable of putting a spouse first is not ready for a serious relationship.

[Gremlinimo]

You don't live together? If you don't, could you give that a trial, so he can escape? Or is it more complicated?

[DermalPunch]

It is soooo complicated. I seriously would be happy if hensplits his time and we ease into a full time situation. To be perfectly honest, I would have ZERO issue if we never fully moved in together. He is a loyal person and sadly he has an abusive family. Which I pretty much understood so when he tells me things I'm loke "I knew it". Don't know why he is hiding.

[Gremlinimo]

Sounds messy. Unfortunately that means that you may well have to put up with it for a while. Be wary of letting it go on too long though, because it's already affecting you, and it may start to eat away at you, which will clearly affect your relationship and feelings for him. You're going to have to take the lead, and do a lot of talking, so he knows how this is affecting you, and work to find some common ground that won't cause undue pressure or stress for either of you. And you know what has to be done if you can't handle anymore, because you need a life too x

[DermalPunch]

That's where we're at. My sense is that he knows his family is really manipulative and cruel of they want to get their way. I know he wants out but is a loyal guy. He knows I'm that woman but I set a very clear boundary. He has to be a man now.

[Gremlinimo]

Seems like you're already half way to sorting your own head out. So it's talking, boundaries, decisions. And yes, as hard as it may be for him, eventually he has that decision to make. Like you say, he has to be a man. Hope it all works out the way you decided you want it to :)

[midnightmoon05]

Are you okay being in a one sided relationship?

[DermalPunch]

How perceptive of you! No, I'm not!

[midnightmoon05]

What are you going to do about it?

[DermalPunch]

I've had to end it, sadly.

[midnightmoon05]

It’s for the bear. Hope you find a man who will love you/treat you the way you should be treated.

[EaterPeter]

What does he mean by home life. Does he have a wife and kid or another partner who he lives with?

[DermalPunch]

No, he isn't married. People always assume the worst. There are things that people would feel ashamed about. He knows I'm not a judgmental person and my family isn't perfect.

[Juxtapose]

He's an adult, he should be able to very easily handle his family members. If they won't cooperate he should cut them off.

[DermalPunch]

We don't believe in cutting off family.

[Juxtapose]

Keeping toxic, negative people in your life just because they share genetic code with you is alien and bizarre behavior to me.

[DermalPunch]

Yes, I can understand how you see it that way.

[msc545]

Talk to his wife.

[DermalPunch]

He isn't married!!! There is no secret wife.

[msc545]

you said "home life". Who does he live with?

[DermalPunch]

His family. Mother brither sisters.

[DermalPunch]

In-laws as well. Common here.

[msc545]

He sounds troubled.

[DermalPunch]

He is but he isn't bad.

[midnightmoon05]

You deserve better.

[msc545]

@DermalPunch You have bad trouble here. Dump this guy.

[DermalPunch]

I did.

[msc545]

good!

[DermalPunch]

I know you don't give advice here but why do you say he's bad trouble?

[msc545]

His behavior speaks for itself.