A married man wants to leave his family for me. I am scared and don’t know what to do?

[llsetova]

I am 22 and he is 29. I met this man a while ago and we instantly had a connection. It wasn’t romantic at first because we had many mutual friends. But somehow we started hanging out more and I realized that I was in fact interested in him in the beginning but was trying to block those feelings after finding out that he is married (I didn’t really notice the ring at first but rather around the second time we met with mutual friends).
We live in different cities but he calls me every single day and we find it so easy to talk and I feel as if I’ve known him for a long time.
He has been telling me about his problems with his wife, they have been married for nearly 9 year and says that every single day it gets worse and worse and their relationship is deteriorating so he thinks that people live only once and should be with those that you love. He says he will never forget his children and will always be a fatherly figure for them and support his wife and family financially and in whatever other we he can but he wants to “wake up with me and be with me”. This morning he txted me very early and said: I am so confused. I love my children so much and will never leave them because I know she will never let me see them again. I don’t want to be the man that dumps his kids.
This text freaked me out and
I feel terrible. I was never the initiator of our relationship, and I knew from the beginning that a married man is a no go zone. I don’t love or have an interest for many men. And it disappoints me that the man that has found a place in my heart is married. I don’t want to break his family. I know our mutual friends will hate me and because we have many- I will probably be hated and I told him that and he said: well we only live once and I want to follow my heart.
Help. I don’t know what to do and am confused and feel terrible and want to drop all this immediately but it is so hard. Has anyone been in this situation?

Leave immediately

Stay and talk it through and see what happens

Updates

+1 y

Update: He called me later today and said that he feels like a bad father and although he no longer feels for his wife, he wants his children to grow up with a proper family. He also asked what I want and wanted to listen to me. I told him to stay with his children because they need a father and that we should perhaps cut off our communication. He said Im young and don't need a man with children and wished me all the best and thanked me for the time we spent together. It hurts but its right.

[yucychan]

I'm sorry that you're hurting but you'll pull through.
You deserve to be with a guy that could be yours truly and not one where you have to share your guy with another woman. It's so obvious that he has no intention of divorcing his wife.
He wants to be his children, he wants his family to be whole, he wants you to be in his life. Everything is about what he wants, he wants, he wants. What about what you want? He cannot be so selfish.
So instead of him making the decision to break off ties with you (which he should have done so long time ago), he wants you to make this painful decision instead, bearing the brunt of the hurt. Sad to see that you fell in love with such a coward, who can't even be trusted to make the right decisions.
I hate how he kept on using the excuse "we only live once, we should follow our heart." Rubbish. We only live once, so that's we should not fear making the right decisions, no matter how hard or painful they are.
Sad to say, this guy only loves himself. He's not really in love with you, he's just in love with the idea of being with you. Because if he really loves you, he would not have put you in this situation where you risk being labelled a home-wrecker, a whore who only preys on married men etc., or risk between hated upon by your friends. If he really loves you, he will have want the best of everything for you, for you to have a great life, not one filled with guilt and despair. Unfortunately, all he could give you was this pathetic line "Yolo, we should follow our heart."
I do feel glad you are no longer with him because you deserve so much better. Even though you are much younger than him, you behave in a more mature and responsible manner than him. I feel sorry for his kids that they have such a useless father. You will find someone who will love you wholeheartedly, that I have no doubt.
Hope you feel better soon.

[TreeO2]

Is he alright to have started developing feelings to someone else while married for 9 years with kids? Maybe him and his wife should do some sort of couples therapy instead and work on thier issues they might have with each other, and also work on their communication skills. It would be better for the kid if their parents were decent. 'I know she will never let me see them again.' Not just that sentence but the situation sounds a bit off, sort of like he does like you but this is only happening because him and his wife aren't dealing with their issues.

I understand finally clicking with someone but there being issues in which it wouldn't exactly work, but as much as it might hurt I think it's better you give him/them advice on working and talking out the issues with out arguing and trying to understand each other more, or couples therapy or something, and you try to move on and focus on life goals or try to find someone else you click with.

[llsetova]

Thank you, I will try to focus on myself and wish them the best.

[MrOracle]

You need to tell him that if he does this, that you aren't even going to consider dating him until his divorce is final. Let him know that he won't be able to contact you socially until he has his divorced finalized. There will be no "waking up next to him" or any of that.

Honestly, this guy is using you as an escape to his current reality, but it's not nearly that simple, and the last thing you want to be is the catalyst for someone else's divorce. You may find that if you aren't willing to jump right into bed with him that he might end up rethinking that divorce - and if so, that's for the best.

[llsetova]

It’s such a terrifying situation and just the thought of a divorce and having a divorce because of you is terrifying. Do I really need this or him?
Are there no more men?
I’m asking myself this and it’s all just so blank in my mind. I’m rather panicking.

[MrOracle]

By cutting him off for the duration of his divorce proceedings (with no promises even afterwards), that will (hopefully) sober him up a little. Right now, he's in fantasyland and not thinking through all of the messiness that could result in his little plan.

And, yeah, he's certainly not the only man in the world - you don't need to bet your whole life on this guy given his current situation. And if/when his divorce is final in 9-12 months from now, that might be a different story.

[llsetova]

Maybe cutting him off is for the best. Thank you for your opinion. I think, we will both be able to sober up and see the reality of things.

[Truthatanycost]

I really like a married woman, and I can tell she's attracted to me. But I have the self control and understanding to know that I will never pursue it. Another issue is that so many of us only look at how a person treats us... while ignoring the fact that they are considering cheating on a long term partner or abandoning someone. If he could do this to his long term wife... then he could do the same to you.

We need to learn to look at all angles, not just through the eyes of our own ego, desires and impulses.

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds as if you have both made the right decision.

[pervertedjester]

Yeah unless he's done it for his own reasons then it's not really gonna work out.

[bencipriano]

Statistically speaking, most men who claim will leave their wives for another women will not do so.
They use this as a tactic to inflate their feelings towards her and keep her stuck in a very detrimental relationship solely for their gain.

Furthermore, if he actually does it, you don't want to be responsible for breaking up a family, especially if there are kids involved. That will haunt you for the remainder of your relationship and will always be a point of stress and mistrust in it.
After all, if he did it with you, very likely he will do it to you.

That doesn't mean that it is certain his feelings aren't genuine, of course. There is always a chance, albeit slight, he's being truthful. But, in my opinion, it is not worth it, the downside is too great.

The best thing you can do is get out before you find yourself in a much tougher spot and ruin, not only a family, but your friendships as well, since you share common friends.

[Username28]

Weather you like it or not you're an emotional mistress. You did cross the no go zone. It is what it is. He could be confiding in his "bros", or his wife, about the failing marriage but he's coming to you with everything and you allowed it. I'm not suggesting you broke the marriage but you're not encouraging him to talk to his wife either. Maybe you didn't initiate it but you didn't tell him no. That being said, is he worth friends and are you ready to possibly be a stepmother... love his kids like your own. If you do pursue it though I would suggest cut it till this divorce is over so he can't use you as a scapegoat and has clarity on if he actually loves you or if he was just looking for something different because he married young.

[hellionthesagereborn]

I think you made the right choice. The more he is focused on you the more he isn't focused on his family. You would have given him a way out which would have distracted him from trying to fix his marriage (their is an old war strategy, if you want your soldiers to fight with everything they have (and by extension increase the odds of gaining victory) you burn the bridges behind them that way they have no choice but to fight with everything they have. Basically you where the bridge and he cannot fight for his family with everything he has if he did not burn that bridge.) It hurts but the doing what is right usually does hurt at first (but makes things better for every one in the long run).

[mavric15]

I believe you already have your answer. It's best for everyone to move on from this. It's probable that his relationship is deteriorating because he is either consciously or subconsciously sabotaging his relationship. There is no reason to think he wouldn't do it to you. This could ruin your life. It's unneeded drama.
Please do yourself a favor and move on!

[llsetova]

You’re right. It’s unneeded drama. He even told me: do you really need a man with two kids?

[llsetova]

And that hurt. I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t know about the responsibility of this situation...

[mavric15]

Sorry but it sounds like it's for the best.
It might be a good time for you to get dressed up, get some dancing shoes on, and grab some girlfriends for a night out!

[FakeName123]

How long has this being going on? Have you been physical? How serious is he about seperating?

If his marriage really is done, then he should call it a day. Children do not benefit from parents who push themselves being together - but bicker all day. What messes with children is when parents don't involve themselves or use them as leverage for fighting even after seperation.

So I think this is something that really needs to be talked out like an adult. It is neither a good or a bad thing. But it requires a lot of thought for sure.

[White-American89]

I think you need to get real. If he can not only cheat on his wife but also ditch her & the kids what will he be like with you in a few years if things get tough. Block him on your phone and move on while you still have your dignity and before you get a reputation as a home wrecking slut in your community.

[White-American89]

Glad you came to the right decision, now block him from any and all contact for he will start calling when he's drunk or horny or bored of his wife.

[R_Cakes91]

He will say anything to get into your pants. It doesn’t matter how nice he is to you, the fact that he’s willing to ruin/ break up his family means he’s a pretty terrible person.

[llsetova]

But maybe his relationship really isn’t working out? Who knows? He got married at a young age. At 20

[R_Cakes91]

Don’t make up excuses for him.

[cavmanier]

Asker, this guy has shit morals. If you end up with him, he's most certainly going to end up talking to other girls and cheating on you.

[llsetova]

Maybe you’re right. Once a cheater always a cheater?

[R_Cakes91]

Don’t be dumb and believe a guy like him.

[cavmanier]

Yes they are clearly at a much higher risk to cheat than a guy that hasn't wanted to leave his wife with a girl he's having an affair with. You are going into a very dangerous situation statistically. I'd run from a girl doing that. She'd be trash to me.

[llsetova]

Why would you run from a girl who is into a married man when she isn’t the one initiating, but rather the man who is initiating?

[cavmanier]

I mean if I was you I would run. I reversed the husband with a girl doing that. I would also not be interested in a girl that wants a married guy. It shows sketchy ethics. Most people seem to tend to have low standard i m o. It must be hard out there for you guys. I'd wait for the right one and not settle with people with poor ethics.

[R_Cakes91]

I feel the same way. People who are willing to screw other people over like that are just trash. It’s astronomically worse in this situation because there are children involved, and he is willing to ruin their lives too.

[Anonymous]

Uh, no. Run far away. If he's willing to cheat with you, he will also be willing to cheat on you. This just isn't a good idea. Just the fact that he'd be willing to leave his children to be with another woman speaks volumes about his character as well.

[thstchillvibez]

He wasn't cheating he was saying what he had to to get TRUTH that's why most people run from him

[Mossberg500]

Part of me says leave, you will be known as a home-wrecker.

Another part of me says, he's uninterested in his wife anyway.

And another part of me says if he's uninterested in his wife now what makes you think he won't "lose interest" in you too. I wouldn't want to bear children with a man like that.

Good luck.

[i_am_me_you_see]

Leave it at that, bad relationships suck and having kids mixed in makes it worse, yah okay he is cool easy to talk to, but 1st off do you want a ready made family? He is right that ypu can do better and your young for it...

2nd thing, you need to know in future for anyone you see if there in any kind of relation and say its bad and couldbwalk away, well if its bad why is it bad is it thenotherone being a rage queen or is it there the reason as rage king or what ever the issue is

[Wonderer89]

You know I’m glad he made the right decision but I hope this has taught you something. You SAY you don’t want to come between a married man and his family but your actions say otherwise. You may not be the initiator but by being so receptive you’re just as culpable for the outcome

[Liam_Hayden]

Hopefully you have learned to leave immediately if you ever again find out the person you are seeing is married.

Also, as a word of caution to everyone: a person who would abandon his or her family for you will be willing to one day leave you and your children for another under similar conditions.

[genericname85]

well it's pretty easy to decide if you wanna be with someone or not if you know how they treated previous partners... i mean mostly you date single people where you don't get to know that. however in your case you know. do you really wann be with someone willing to leave a family for someone else? i don't think you should want that.

[buttcrackjoe]

You can be with him but he must be fully divorced and separated before you go any further. He sounds like he’s somewhat on the fence with that kids comment so do not push him or you will feel guilty forever rather say im sorry but i can not help you cheat on your wife you must leave her first. Be the bigger person don’t be a home wrecker and shame on him by the way

[Chadnelson1973]

Stay away it can only cause problems especially legal action. If he's willing to leave his wife or girlfriend he's willing to leave you when someone else catches his eye. He has no problems cheating what is he teaching his kids about relationships? That it's ok to leave and or cheat. This guy is not worth being with or getting to know most states have laws against infildelity and some states will charge both parties if his wife chooses too

[loveslongnails]

You got away unscathed, fortunately. Do you need this kind of drama and bullshit in your life? No.
Even if a divorce were agreeable, you'd play second fiddle to his kids until they were fully grown, and you'd catch shit from the ex-wife constantly. Saying bye bye was a blessing in disguise for YOU !!

[Vaelthor]

Don't even consider getting with him, but feel free to consider getting him to leave his wife. Oh and be sure to tell her why. The guy is a coward. If he's unhappy in his relationship he should end it properly and fairly.

[BrittBratt2416]

You drop him and run away. A man that can leave his family and disrespect his wife/marriage is no man you want at all. If he can leave his family for you, he'll leave you for someone else eventually. I'm happy you cut him loose.