I have never been in this situation before. I’ve realized I’m growing feelings for a guy who is my friend and has a girlfriend. It’s really scary situation for me because I noticed I’m really falling in love with him, we get along and connect so well in almost everything we do and we have so much fun together. But because I’m becoming aware of how I feel, I don’t want to become an issue in his relationship and was thinking of slowly ending out friendship. I tried since two weeks ago but he immediately sensed there was something going on. I don’t want to tell him what I’m feeling but I also have no idea how to stop seeing him as often. Any advices will be appreciated guys. Thank you 😊
Should I cut off a friend I’m growing feelings for?
Im sorry, but i was the guy in this situation. And the end result is going to hurt. Like, BAD. I developed feelings for my friend too. She knew this and, like you, she tried to ghost and cut me off without explanation. I didn't know why and she wouldn't tell me why. It added more layers to an already complex dynamic. She couldnt do it and would come back again because the feelings were so strong. This made us both very insecure and confused.
Bottom line, be honest. I told my friend what I was feeling and how it was a problem for me since im already in a relationship. She fell apart, quit her job and left the state. I am still recovering from the emotional loss and fallout, because I lost both someone i love and a close friend.
I say sorry, because once your heart is involved, there's no undoing what has become. I repaeatedly tell myself, the test of true love is letting go. If his happiness is important to you, respect his relationship, be honest, let go. It will hurt like hell, but you can both emerge as better people...
@Batmanismydaddy yes, because the girl im in a relationship with is my wife... and we have kids. So regardless how happy my friend and I feel with each other, its not worth destroying my family over. I feel my friend knew better but didn't want to let go
Oh wow I thought you're just dating someone not the whole wife and kids. But yes it's going to be awful to stay in a relationship you're not fully happy in. You either do that or be selfish and go chase your female friend
@Batmanismydaddy marriage is a commitment. Its working through challenges. If all relationships were based on satisfying what makes yourself happy, its very short sighted thinking and perhaps no wonder why so many people divorce or cheat. Bottom line, my friend's love and prioritizing me and making me feel good could not overcome the love of supporting my wife through miscarriage, tucking my kids in bed every night, or staying up late to help my sons homework... because love is not about me.
It hurt my friend because, yes, I did not chose her. I let her go because I want her to be happy by putting her life and happiness before my own. So when i told her I love her, she knew I meant it.
;( so you'll be unhappy forever. You chose to be. I kind of relate to this. I love my best friend but he well, he friend zoned me but is friends with benefits with his other female friend. If that makes him happy so be it
Not really. Putting your pride aside and seeing the one you love love someone else and you being chained down. Do you regret getting married so early? Plus having a child is like you're chained for life.
@Batmanismydaddy You are equating love and happiness. That's okay because our culture seems to promulgate this mentality. But they're not the same thing. Happiness is a feeling of contentment. Driving down the road with the windows down and singing to my favorite songs... that makes me happy. Love is putting someone else's needs before your own. Like holding and crying with my wife when we lost our second to miscarriage. The latter does not make me happy, like... at all. But it creates a bond and experience- a foundation- this is love. And for me anyway, that love is more important than my feeling happy. Is my wife my ideal partner? No, probably not. Neither am I for her. But our life experiences and working together makes our bond inseparable.
For my friend, I recognize her continued involvement with me would only bring her pain. Even if I chose her; she'll forever live in the shadow of destroying a man's family- being stuck with a man who only sought what was best for himself and not others. I knew the right thing was to let her go, so she didn't have to be anchored anymore. She is now free and can forget about me. It doesn't make me happy- it sure as hell didn't make her happy. But in doing so, she knows I love her.
@Batmanismydaddy it was very painful. My friend was someone who would always take a bullet for me. I very much cherished her. Sadly, and ironically, i pulled the trigger that sent the final bullet into her heart.
Back to the crux of the question, I believe the original poster know the correct answer and given her apparent emotional investment, from my experience, the end result is both painful and inevitible
:( I am I'm love with my guy best friend but he friendzoned me then he did some childish s2it and we didn't speak for 10 months, then he called me rotten to the core and then he told me he is friends with benefits with his other female friend. Now we do not talk cause I suggested we stop talking for 3 months, he agreed easily it has been 4 weeks now. But yes. Does your wife know you've feelings for your ex female friend?
Of course she does. Your wife is happy now, you know? She was jealous lol every girl is like this. But but you judge her no My best friends ex told me his ex screamed at him about me while they were breaking up. Told him to go to me. He said "I don't know why she singled you out"
@Batmanismydaddy which is another topic entirely, but I firmly believe, as result from my own experience and quite obviously tour experience; a man and woman cannot be "best friends"
Hw would you feel if you learned that he also had feelings for you, felt himself growing distant from his girlfriend, but kept all of that to himself. . . so you never got together even though it's what you both wanted? He may be feeling that way, too.
If you don't tell him how you feel, what can you do other than pull away from him and lose the friendship? If that is the only other option, why not tell him how you are feeling. Even if he doesn't have the same feelings for you, at least he will understand why you are pulling away? If he's a good friend, doesn't he deserve an explanation?
@midnightmoon05 Yes, I understand, but the Asker's obligation is to herself and not the guy's current girlfriend. If the guy and his girlfriend are really meant for each other, then the guy will tell Asker that his heart belongs to his girlfriend and Asker's feelings are not reciprocated. He will remain with his current girlfriend and Asker will fade into the sunset.
And if the guy DOES express an interest in Asker, then he must not be THAT committed to his current girlfriend.
If they didn’t form a ln intimate relationship and we’re only friends before he had a girlfriend., the boat have past so to speak. I would respectfully wish him happiness in my heart as a good friend would do. By me expressing my feelings while he is in a committed relationship (good or bad), would be consider a “home wracked no?” I would feel terrible for creating further pain for them.
Nowadays… no way… I heard that more girls go after married men. They don’t know if guys are engaged unless it’s their friends… then I am sure he becomes even more attractive. I don’t think this is the case. I think she wants to do the right thing by removing her self so she doesn’t get hurt or hurt her friend who is in a relationship. 👍😊
Good debate here. Valid points on both sides. I have to say that I side with @midnightmoon05. We must uphold the principle of respect for already established relationships. If you begin to cross that line, it's a slippery slope, and it could lead to total social chaos. The ethical thing to do is to leave people alone while they are in a relationship with someone else.
@Jamie05rhs I understand and respect that principle - and I have never pursued a woman who was in a committed relationship - but what if he is with this other girl only because he thinks Asker is unattainable?
... Hmm. Well, that is a hell of a question, isn't it?
But, again, she's too late. If she wanted him, she should have said something while he was single. I don't like this trend of women waiting until a guy starts talking to another girl and THEN deciding to go after him. I think it's really disingenuous.
See, let's look at the situation from the flip side. If I liked a girl, but I was too chicken to make a move, and then another guy asked her out and she started date him, I would just accept that I f'ed up and lost the game. And it was my own fault. I wouldn't start running after her and be like, "Oh, by the way, I like you, too. Just in case you don't really want to be with him.". That's cringe.
@Jamie05rhs Right, but the situation you described is just feeling some attraction to, and interest in, a girl. I think what Asker is describing here is stronger feelings. And, in this situation, regardless of which answer you choose, someone gets hurt.
I would start distancing yourself from him to respect the relationship and his girlfriend. As a woman, put yourself in the girlfriends shoes, if you guys where already dating and she was the friend that started having feelings and putting herself between your relationship, I'm sure you would not like it.
If their relationships falls out naturally some how, then you can consider making a move but until now you need to fall back. What you mean you don't know how to stop seeing him? It's simple, just don't hang out with him or speak to him as much. Find other hobbies and friends that will take seeing him often.
The simplest way to do this is to be very forward with him. You will likely get emotional and he might as well. But you cannot address the situation with another person until they are aware of the situation that is occurring themselves..
if you slowly back away from the friendship and don’t talk about this, he might start second-guessing aspects of his life. He might think Why is my close friend backing away from me. Am I doing something wrong? Why is she acting this way?
Adding additional questions to the situation in his mind doesn’t seem right.. Spilling the beans is the hardest and best thing to do.
If you just pull away slowly and become distant he'll know something is up. He may come trying to figure it out and worse case scenario he may think he did something wrong and no idea what it was and then when your gone he suffers from regret of what he did.
You either have to keep it to yourself and never say anything and don't make a move or let him know you are getting romantic feelings but you will never make a move while he has a girlfriend.
That might make him want to grow distant from you, if he has stronger feelings for his girlfriend... and thus your problem is now solved.
I wonder... Did you have feelings for him before he had a girlfriend, or only after?
Many women keep a bench of guys in the friend zone, who they enjoy attention/ resources from, but are only content so long as they stay in their orbit. If any of these guy gets a girlfriend... it's (unreasonably) frustrating.
Whether that's the case or not, it's not fun to be in a situation where you can't get what you want (welcome to a guy's world); so, just be straight with him. Tell him you are getting a thing for him, and it's better for both of you to get some distance.
Its a between a rock and a hard space. Slow distancing sucks and leads to confusion and hurt feelings. Saying nothing and continuing on hurts like hell and the feelings only grow. Telling him how you feel and why you need space can often cause them confusion as they are in a relationship and they feel forced to choose between two people they care for. Its a lose lose for all but your best bet is just to be honest and maybe in the future things will work out for the two of you. Regardless its going to hurt.
Honesty is always the best policy but you have to tread carefully because he has a girlfriend and you should respect that. You should just tell him that for the sake of his relationship with her, it would be best if we limit our contact for a while. Tell him you respect him enough that you're doing this even if it may mean ending the friendship. He is like any human being and will be intrigued once you tell him and wonder "what if?" but if he truly loves this other girl, I suspect that once you tell him what's going on, he will accept that and choose her. Better to do it now than later with a completely broken heart and destroy their relationship.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
1 y
I was in this situation.
We were best of friends. We went places together and had some great times. I started to fall for him. I was hoping he felt the same way. But he got into a relationship with someone else. He would tell me about her and the things they did.
Eventually I had to cut contact with him. I missed him so much.
I had to weigh up which was more painful... not having him in my life as a friend anymore. Or watching him with some other girl. The latter was more painful. I knew we could never be friends like before because of my feelings for him and he has a girlfriend now. Sometimes in life it's necessary to let go of some people.
But ttread carefully before cutting contact. I'd suggest taking a step back and limit contact until you decide what's best to do. See how it feels not having him in your life as much before severing all ties. Don't make a hasty decision based on negative emotions or you may regret your decision
I have only dated friends. We like the same things and after I confessed we found out we also liked how the other person looked. I would recommend remaining friends. A friendship doesn't need to end just because you like how he looks as well as the type of person he is. Don't confess until he's single. If he's willing to leave his girlfriend for you, he's not the type of person you should want to date. It's possible that he likes you physically too and either didn't realize it until after he got a girlfriend or that he didn't want to end a friendship if you didn't feel the same way and refused to hang out with him anymore. If you confess while he's in a relationship, I doubt he'll want to still be a close friend because of his girlfriend.
I think it's best to be upfront about this with him, tell him what you told us, that you started to have feelings but don't want to hurt his relationship. That way, you both know about the situation and you can decide together what you want to do about it. Some guys would be fine trying to continue the friendship.
Let's be real though, it's still a tricky situation for both you and him so don't expect things to go perfectly, but I still think honesty and openness about that is the best way.
If you really can't continue the relationship without these feelings getting in the way, I think you can only cut him off, maybe not definitely, just until your feelings go away.
I was kind of on both sides of the equation and it's complicated in both cases to be honest.
You need to cut back immensely. This is super disrespectful to his partner. Are you hanging out with him alone? That should not be happening. This friendship is not platonic anymore and if you were truly his friend, you would step away so you don’t ruin his relationship.
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Asker
1 y
We do hang out alone, he is a coach where I train so we always cross paths. I cannot say he is disrespectful because he has never cross boundaries or disrespected me nor his girlfriend. But it’s me the one growing feelings for him and it’s why I think is best if we stay apart. The problem is that I don’t know how, last time I tried he sensed something was wrong and instead of pushing him away, he was checking on me and I’m afraid that could cause him trouble.
I don't understand why you don't want to be honest with him. I'm starting to have feelings for you and I know that you have a girlfriend so it is probably best that we don't hang out much. You're a great guy but I don't want to do this to your girlfriend
You need to realize that you really like this friendship and to lose it will cause booth you and him some real pain. Tell yourself that you can love him but not in the way you want. It is a hard thing to explain. I had a friend that I loved and used to get confused about her sometimes. It became a problem and when she went away to grad school we stopped hanging out. That was over 25 years ago and I still miss her sometimes.
Been there done that. There are only 2 ways to do it. Just tell him you need space and tell him why. Or do something distasteful that ends the friendship forever. Those are the only 2 way because any other way leaves the door open and relies too much of self-discipline. You're welcome. I don't recommend the 2nd one by the way.
I think you should tell him even though he has a girlfriend that way you'll finally be able to get it off your chest and I've been in this situation before I had a crush on my best friend but he was already dating somewhere else anyway fast forward to last month he texted me and told me he liked me and that he broke up with the other girl and as of now we've been together for a little over a month
You really need to grow up, love yourself, and let a man find you. He is not interested in you so I don't even understand why you have feelings to begin with. Can you not get a man on your own? What's wrong with you that you can't obtain a healthy relationship of your own? And no I wouldn't just cut him off because that's being attention seeking. Just be normal.
I say you should never leave anything unsaid especially if it makes you happy. Sometimes innocent people get hurt in relationships but with honesty and no secretes between you and him and his girlfriend you did your part to be the best person you could while being fair to everyone including yourself. Goodluck and I love you
Nothing wrong with going to the next level if he is willing. If both of you are not in a relationship why not. You already know just about everything about each other. Many times it works out well.
You know you did not become friends by accident. Originally, there was something about him that attracted you to him OR there would be no friendship. It seems like you need to put some distance between you. Is he coming onto you? Sexual tension? You get all twangy inside?
Does he have a good relationship with his girlfriend? Don't fuck with his and her life if they have a good relationship. If not, tell him you want to be his girlfriend and to give her the boot
Yes you will get hurt, or it will end up making his relationship worse or he might even cut it off. You can do better, it's just that you are so comfortable with him.
