What degree of obligation does a *Long-Term* Significant Other have to spend time with their S. O.'s family?

[ChurchOfSteel]

Backstory: Moved across the country (U. S.) to live closer to my girlfriend's sister, namely. I would have preferred to live elsewhere, but I was willing to try, just so she could be closer to family. I can't stand the woman. Even though she's astoundingly brilliant and very high intelligence and charisma, it's tinged with a lot of arrogance and demeaning comments. She is extremely rude, domineering, controlling, and belittles others constantly.

To me, she's just toxicity itself. But. My girlfriend is basically in love with her sister and will constantly defend her actions, even when they're creepy as hell, like trying to take secret pictures of me in a store (reason yet unknown) or just rude like giving and taking invitations to events away as a sort of controlling punishment when she doesn't like something or outright insulting or actively instilling doubt about my loyalty to my girlfriend by suggesting I'm not loyal.

Anyway. What obligation do you have with a long-term (for us 3 year) relationship to spend time with their family? Maybe I could do holidays or something, if it would be good for my relationship, but otherwise, I do not want to see this woman every weekend.

[Emiliamazing]

I do not speak from experience, because I really enjoy my husband‘s family and I generally think he enjoys mine. But when there is tension between two family members, whether they are related by blood or marriage, two things can probably happen: the individuals can try and talk about their differences and what the problems are, or they go on living the same way. If this woman is highly intelligent, she should understand that her actions are causing stress in an important relationship. My suggestion would be to talk to your girlfriend and explain your side, and go from there. Her sister may never change, but I don’t think you need to be around someone who puts you in the negative space. Perhaps you find some other things to do which is visiting and that may be a good hint.

[ChurchOfSteel]

Her sister really isn't the "talk about it" type. If you mention anything emotional on any level or aspect, she gets the most disgusted, revolted face you've ever seen. I once asked her, "How do you feel about me living with your sister?" Her look of utter disdain was problematic. I thought it was due to her disliking me or not wanting me to be with her sister, but my girlfriend told me she is just hyper-masculine in that sort of way. Any "real" talks are impossible by default.

She also actively enjoys causing other people stress, also from my girlfriend's POV, not mine. She stress-tests everything and everyone.

I've tried talking to my girlfriend about it. She begrudgingly understands that she can't force me to be around her sister--but she also will never admit that her beloved sister has done anything wrong at all ever, so it's kinda just me vs perfection, and I lose by default. But she wants us both to get along, it's just impossible.

But yeah. I'm in full time college and full time Cybersecurity position. I just don't have the bandwidth to be around someone who, as you say, puts me in a negative space.

Thank you for commenting!

[Emiliamazing]

You are very welcome. It seems that your girlfriend is trying to understand your side of the story, it is likely that if you start to remove yourself from interactions with her sister, things might be better for you. That may also cause your sister to force uncomfortable situations on the people who are actually left around. That may be good or bad, but we can only hope for good.

[LazerBean]

That sounds like a serious pain in the ass. Personally, I'm very family oriented and so is my husband, so the obligation is very high for us. But we love each other's families, so it's actually perfect. I've rejected guys specifically because I knew they would not fit into my family, to avoid the exact thing that you're going through now.

It's very probable that the family issue is always going to be a sore spot in your relationship. You're just going to have to talk to her and see exactly what she expects of you, and then decide for yourself if it's going to be worth continuing the relationship or not.