He doesn’t want to have kids but I do. Though I’m getting old and it’s getting more less likely for me to have kids. How do you accept childless life?

[Anonymous]

As I growing up, I thought I’d fall in love, get married, and having kids by now. Though the reality didn’t go as I planned. I’m 39, never been married and childless.

I’ve been in a relationship for a year now. My boyfriend asked me if I want to have kids in the future on our first date. I told him time for me to actually have kids is ticking but if it’s possible I do want kids. He told me he doesn’t want kids right now especially because he’s not financially secured enough to give them what they deserve to have a good life. Since then we didn’t talk about it further.

A few weeks ago, while he was briefly back in the port (he’s an active military member), we had a dinner with his friends. At the table, I overheard he’s asking his friend about vasectomy. I was shocked he’s considering about it. I pretended that I heard nothing because I didn’t want to ruin the fun night with friends with some awkwardness. I also thought if he’s seriously thinking about it, he will talk to me about it. After that we had some minor issues and this slipped away from my head. Then he left for deployment again.

Yesterday, he casually messaged me that he made an appointment to do an official consultation with a doctor the next day and if everything goes well, it’s possible to get the procedure next week and he’ll be in the clear by the time he gets back from deployment.

I was completely in shock he made the decision without talking to me. Some say his body, his choice but we are in a relationship and it means we are ultimately working for the future together. Family planning should be something we should discuss before selfishly taking it away from the other person.

I told him how I’m hurt to hear that and he said he thought we had talked about it. Then he realized it was him talking about it to his friend with me present. He apologized for he made a move without talking with me first.

We still have to discuss about it but how do you cope when having kids could be no longer in the path?

Updates

1 y

He is really sorry for he misunderstood my take and he made a wrong move. I always imagined I’ll have kids when I get married but it’s not the first priority either. I’m having a difficult time because

1. I’m in love with him.
2. Who knows how long it will be to find someone new to be with and to have kids with. I could be too late to have my own kids anyway.
3. Adoption is an option though I want to at least try biological ones first.
4. I’m not financially comfortable right now.

Updates

1 y

Also, if he happened to lose fertility due to illness, I can accept the reality no problem. I don’t necessarily think I have to have kids no matter what. Sometimes it simply doesn’t happen just because I want it. And quite frankly, at this point, considering age and financial situation, chance for me to have my biological kids might be slim whether with him or someone else. Though if he really decided to take vasectomy based on only what he wants, I feel I’m ignored.

[Vesuvius87]

He already made it known from the beginning he didn't want to have kids at the moment so it's no surprise. You still accepted that and didn't concentrate on your own needs, your timeframe. That's different than if he had lied about wanting kids and then you finding out later on that he didn't want to.

During the very start of my relationship, my current boyfriend knows I want kids and marriage. We're doing the waiting till marriage method. I'm dating him because he wants kids. If not, he can take a hike. I'm not here to waste time anymore nor agree with a man's agenda.

[Vesuvius87]

Lastly, nope we're not doing cohabitation. Waste of time and I'm to the point. Marriage and kids, not living to together to waste time.

[LazerBean]

He told you he didn't want kids from the very beginning. When someone says something like that, believe them.

[JamesDiaz11]

He's in his 30's and not financially secured enough to have kids? What kind of loser are you dating? A guy should have his shit figured out by that time (I know I'm ready to financially support a family).

Either way, I'm sorry that you wasted two decades of dating/ relationships, and now you're 39 with no kids- that's a sorry state to be in.

I'd suggest you either find another guy/ get pregnant by yourself. If he wants to make the decision to never have kids with no input from you, then you can have children with no input from him.

[Boromir]

He now knows that you won’t him to have the procedure? Or you only told him you were angry because he did not discuss it with you? If he moves forward now, and he knows you want kids you have your answer. He is entitled to not wanting kids but not to keep you hanging.

Move on. Find a man that’s interested in being a father, I understand the feeling of the hardship to start over from scratch but time waits for no one.

[MzAsh]

I think you need to choose a different man.

[JPresidente]

There's no easy answer for that one although you could always adopt kids down the road. Once you go through with a vasectomy it's like 96% effective and somewhat hard to reverse. You're gonna have to have one more discussion with him and then you have to make a personal choice to remain with him and have no kids or move on and find someone else that will.

[KelleyNice]

At your age, you don't need an infant so adopt a child between the ages of 4 to 10. Unlike infants, there should a big supply of children within that age range so you can select and an above average child that will make you proud.

[NotTacocaT6969]

There are currently over 400,000 children without families in the USA alone.


Adopt.

[TroyDT]

If you want children find a different man, one who wants them. The guy you are with is going to get it done whether you approve or not. He just might not tell you that he did if you disagree.

[Stevefiveo]

He definitely should have discussed this with you before hand. Some girls might have an affair and get pregnant anyway.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Get a hobby... do something.

[D_Bone_Steak]

A job... get cats, drink wine, a small dog or two. You'll fit in the lifestyle.

[Asker]

I have cats and he wants a dog. Having pets is already promised.

I knew I’ll have to accept the life without kids someday but I thought I’ll have to do that due to I’m too old or something, not like him getting vasectomy. That’s why it’s giving me an extra hard time to facing the reality.

[In_Trance]

Some people just don't want to