Long distance relationship, I feel as though I'm not important to him anymore? Should I give up?

[firstyesterday]

So over the last few days I have had issues with my boyfriend (see previous question) but I have been dwelling on things today and feeling upset and feel as though perhaps I'm not actually as important to him as what I had believed for the following reasons:

- He "Joked" about having another girlfriend

- Forgot that today is my birthday and then proceed to try make it up by sending me a dirty video of him as a birthday treat and wanted one back. Got off and didn't ask if I did too.

- Has the opportunity to see me in a couple of weeks time but has to think about if he wants to see me or not (I know he's busy before and after the oppurtunity but feel like roles reversed I'd always want to see him)

- Won't outright tell me I'm bothering him if I text him but will decrease the amount he replies unless I ask if i am and then tells me and wants time alone

- Tells me he is going to bed but will stay up online watching youtube for at least an hour after the fact.

- I always have to arrange or ask to see him

-We don't go anywhere together when I do see him.

- I arrange ways for us to spend time together while apart (movie nights, music sharing, general deep conversations, gaming time)

- I seem to initiate conversations over text all the time.

I just don't know what to do. He has a club activity this evening and won't be contactable untill late but I want to talk about it as we always agreed to be open but he has got me feeling so paranoid and self concious lately. I'm scared to bring it up any more and push him away further as he keeps acting supportive and understanding when I do say things to him, Im scared he'll snap if I ask again (we've not yet had an argument, always talked things out)

Any advice?

Updates

1 y

So I'm still waiting to be able to talk to him but just to clarify:

- we met online and have been in our relationship for 10 months
-We have spoke about moving in together in the future
-He has gone back into studying so he has a fairly busy schedule
- we live 3 hours from each other which is why I feel like seeing each other should be easier

[AmandaYVR]

I have a lot of experience with LDRs. Generally I don't recommend them, and they're extremely emotionally, practically, and often financially, taxing. But sometimes they do work out, and some people are worth all the aggravation and angst.

How many days have you spent with each other in person?

How do you communicate when not together? Mostly text? Mostly phone? Video? What are his preferences on that, and do your expectations and preferences match up reasonably well, or does a disparity often cause issues?

There's good and bad in what you wrote/explained, but I won't bother addressing it without more context.

[firstyesterday]

We have spent probably the equivalent of 7/8 weeks with each other in person.

Our main communication when we are not seeing each other is texting/voice notes, which is also his preffered method as he has some inner ear issues.

On the whole I'd say that we match up pretty well within our preferences/expectations and untill lately our communication. We haven't ever argued and any issues we have had we have always usually talked out.

His mother has said I'm basically like the female version of him personality wise

[AmandaYVR]

"- Has the opportunity to see me in a couple of weeks time but has to think about if he wants to see me or not (I know he's busy before and after the oppurtunity but feel like roles reversed I'd always want to see him)
- I always have to arrange or ask to see him
So, regarding these ones...
If I were you I would be wanting to identify whether that's because of time or expense, or because he just is not that motivated, wanting to see you. It is a considerable transit, and I presume you each then spend the night and the next day at least with each other. Is it just his schedule that's the issue, mainly?
Clearly you miss him and want to spend more time with him, in whatever form is available, and he is not that way. He could feel less intensely toward you, and really like his independence, but still love you. Or he could not care as much, and if that's the case, you probably need to find that out. And then ask yourself (and maybe him), are his feelings going to get more, or less?

-We don't go anywhere together when I do see him."
Is this to save money? Cost of living is through the roof these days, and that's legit.
Is it because he wants to be physical and have sex much of it? That's pretty typical and understandable, especially for guys. People love physical touch, and LDRs have so little of it, so if he also doesn't believe in PDA, he may find his home (or yours) has the privacy he wants.
The negative answer, potentially, to this, however, is that he isn't proud to be seen with you on his arm. That's another thing to consider.

"He has a club activity this evening and won't be contactable untill late but I want to talk..."
It's probably not a good night tonight, then. You need him to be in a good state of mind when you ask him this (preferably over video or voice, not text), so that he can give you the most tactful yet still truthful answer.
I'd wait if I were you.

There's no red flags here. He sounds like a pretty typical guy, and quite happy, actually.

[MrOracle]

The average time to fail for a long distance relationship is 9 months, and it's no surprise, because studies have shown that humans have a grieving mechanism that will start to detach you from a person that you don't see regularly, and that tends to kick in around 8-9 months. You are in that zone.

The lesson here is that online/long distance relationships are not real, and they almost never survive. Everyone wants to believe that they are the exception, but exceptions are very rare

I recommend that you end this doomed relationship and resolve to only date LOCALLY from now on. A relationship is not about texts and phone calls, it's about spending time together, in the same place, and sharing your lives with each other.

You'll be so much better off in the long run.

[WindAtMyBack]

You can't keep up long distant relationships for a long time. Either there must be real and active progress to get together in person, or forget about it. A long distance relationship must become a short distance relationship. Otherwise it's not a real relationship at all.

Personally I think that there needs to be real and solid plans toward making it a short distance relationship within a year.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against LDR. I just think it needs to be realistic. If someone is important to you, you have to be proactive and move it forward. That means that one of you has to move. That means being honest with yourselves about what that really entails both psychologically and legally (if it's international).

[firstyesterday]

We have spoke about moving in together but we think we might need at least another 6+ months on the top of the 10 we have done before that can realistically happen.

[kylee2437]

I will never understand why people put themselves in situations where they can only love someone from a distance. To each their own but I just think unless if there’s plans to eventually move to the same town or something like that, long distance relationships never work because you are missing aspects of what healthy relationships consist of.

[exitseven]

I was in one of these for 4 years. I spent a month in the hospital and she couldn't even send me a damn get well card. Looking back all I was to her was a fashion accessory. I finally got sick of it and broke up with her. Some things just are not worth it.

[Voldra]

You should express how you feel & see how he responds. The lack of reciprocation to your efforts is not good in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

he's just not that into you

yes, give up, because he already has given up. this is making me sad. all of your effort and he doesn't even give back or appreciate. you'll be better off as someone else's girlfriend.

[MysticDevice]

Don't give up just yet. LDRs really, really do suck though.

[Mimifaith]

You should not give up on some one you love,,,,, you can meet many differences but ,,, stay strong,,, until it turns to short distance love

[BlueScorpio]

Long distance after a while don't work out, it's better to just find someone closer to you.

[boggboss]

So end it as the problems u have he do t seem to care about or want to change

[In_Trance]

How long were you together before distance became a factor?
When does the distance end?

[firstyesterday]

We met online, so we knew going in distance would be a factor in our relationship. We have been together for 10 months

[jamartheg]

You are not important to him he wants multiple woman probably not just you

[Anonymous]

Yes. LDR are tough enough as it is. So why remain if you don't wanted or appreciated.

[LemiaOfThunder]

He might be busy.

[maximumpower]

LDRs don't work.