Is infatuation mainly for younger people with no experience?

[Vesuvius87]

I know what that feels like and it's definitely not real/true love. You don't love the person for who they are nor their traits. You don't like their flaws. You're obsessed with them. Your brain plays games on you due to higher levels of dopamine and a related hormone called norepinephrine. It's similar to when you get high. That doesn't get you a family.

In my current relationship of 10 months, there isn't really an infatuation stage. Both of us are dating to get married and start a family. There is no exessive ''I love you'' texts messages, no frequent phone calls either, no sexual talks and neither of us are into dedicating love songs. None of that nonsense. Our conversations consist of our daily routines, how our work was, sharing of basic problems if any and our priorities the this moment. It's an adult relationship alright.

Is this infatuation nonsense mainly for younger people with no experience?

Updates

1 y

Most important, we do spend quality time. We just don't say ''You're the love of my life'' to each other nor frequently throw the L word, none of that.

[Anonymous]

No not at all. When I taught in high-school there was this one girl. She was very pretty around the face, short, very thin, funny, intelligent, kind. People gravitated around her and there was a real aurora around her and your eyes were just drawn to her and she had the sweetest voice. I became completely infatuated with her, eventually after 6 months of teaching her we shared a kiss in the store room and i took her virginity right there, it was during a big football game. We talked all the time though we made a point of using burner phones and fake social media accounts so we wouldn't get caught. Everyone at the school thought she was a lesbian and she got bullied for it. We used to meet up all the time often at my place which was a secluded country bungalow i lived alone in, we even had a few dirty weekends away. Sex was amazing, she had a gorgeous tight perfect little body. I helped her get into college and I found a teaching job close by.

Anyway she got hit by a car one night, drunk driver mounted the curb a week before she was off to college, turned out she was 3 months pregnant. I'm still devastated by the loss, it was never the same with other girlfriends.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been very hard.
Yes that is indeed the infatuation stage. It doesn't stay that way permanently though. It matures or dies; then comes the love stage.
I'm not infatuated with my current boyfriend but do love his company and our quality times spent.

[caring__1]

The energy we get from infatuation is based on newness. The more experiences we have, the less newness we'll experience. It is important, though to keep your relationship new and alive. If you allow a rut to develop, the love may fizzle out. Newness can even be doing familiar things in a different order. You still have the ability to get excited at your age and beyond, and that doesn't mean you need to constantly seek extremes. Just make sure you continue to fuel the fire of your relationship. What you call it is irrelevant.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes we do spend quality time and go to different places. When we go out eating, it's not the same restaurant either. We're going to the museum again later on.

[caring__1]

Enjoy creating and nurturing what works well for the two of you. It really doesn't matter what others say. It's your life, not theirs.

[Guy13]

Crush and infatuation for immature

Lust for the matured.

[Vesuvius87]

We're actually waiting till marriage (building our relationship outside of lust) and do spend real quality time outside the house.

[Guy13]

That’s admirable. I think you would benefit from understanding Love in the Greek.
Agape: self-sacrificing, selfless, and giving.
Eros: lustful and sexual
Phileo: Brotherly friendship

Defining Love by sex is the working of an over sexualized culture

[Guy13]

Do you see you two relationship better defined by the Greek ⁉️

[Vesuvius87]

I think the lustful part, I can feel a bit when we're making out. It's a good feelings of appreciation. So by definition, I would say all is included: quality time, selfless and giving (ex: buying desserts for him and his family) and brotherly friendship where we really enjoyed each other's company.

[Guy13]

There you go. I like it as an approach because categorical definition is important for me. Feeling, Behavior, Action…. And in your case acting upon is where you differ. You two are going to a phenomenal bond.

[SnowedIn]

I'm not sure. I agree with what both of you ( @Vesuvius87 and @guy13 ) said. But I think there's a case to be made for crush/infatuation existing between two older people, or rather, one for the other. Likewise, it isn't necessarily bad if it either leads to something or sputters out for lack of oxygen. Only if it takes over the life of the infatuator does it become an issue. @Vesuvius87, to your last question is it mainly for younger people? Probably/mostly, but not all. Just my take on this.

[Vesuvius87]

Good point

[misogynistic_pig]

Yes, young people are the most suitable for reproduction, so evolution makes them produce greater amounts of neurotransmitters, so that they fall in love more easily. People over 30 years of age, on the other hand, are not suitable for reproduction, so they are more reluctant to fall in love, this is because the brain is immunized to the previous loads of neurotransmitters that were released in youth, and it is difficult for them to produce higher loads. That is why an adult cannot have a courtship with the same intensity as a teenage courtship.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes indeed. My boyfriend is 43 and also childless. From the very beginning of our relationship (on the 1st month), things were laid out in the table. It was made clear that we're dating to get married and have a child at least. He knows we can't be dating for too long.

[mlvrjohnconnor]

I think it is less about age, more about personality. I have infatuation all the time and found it difficult to date someone I’m not infatuated with. Getting older and more mature makes me able to stop my infatuation if the feeling is not reciprocated, and I can move on really quick. The infatuation added so much more dopamine and made the interaction so much more enjoyable.

[Vesuvius87]

Interesting. I guess it varies from person to person. I'm looking for commitment and stability in my relationship and maybe that must be partially why my brain isn't producing those hormones anymore.
The last time I ever felt those crazy levels was with my ex boyfriend, my 1st but it turned out to be a horrible story. He scammed me with money. I sent him over $1,200 that he never paid me back. Oh well. Like some other poster stated here, it's like my brain got immuned to infatuation; it won't ever produce a higher level than it already did twice with that same man (when I was 19 and years later at age 29).

[Vesuvius87]

It looks like it already exceeded a level that it can't ever be overrided. Therefore, I might not be capable of being in the infatuation level ever again but rather straight to the mature love.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm immunized to infatuation

[mlvrjohnconnor]

Sorry to hear about your experience. I agree with you that it varies from person to person. I’m extremely emotionally independent, so I guess it does not motivate me when a relationship can’t bring me the craziness of infatuation. I actually just stopped dating a girl who I’m not infatuated with, and I’m exhausted because the lack of thrill. I’m much more energetic as a person when infatuated, even more productive at work. And lack of infatuation is like suppressing my brain, I would lose my sharpness over time. Infatuation is like coffee for me.
The biggest problem is how to cope with such a strong feeling. I didn’t date anyone for five years after a heartbreaking infatuation, because I was controlled by my emotions. Now that I learned how to control my emotions, I’m using infatuation for my favor.
However, I’m happy that you found a more peaceful version of relationship, it sounds very cozy. I guess we all have our destiny.

[BJP21]

Maybe for the first timers.

[Vesuvius87]

True. I can't get infatuated anymore. It's exactly what one of the posters said here. My brain already produced too much that I'm immunized against infatuation.